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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
Blue4YOU · 17/12/2021 01:28

I’d thank you OP.
Out of politeness but Yankee candles are so definitely not my thing.
I’m thinking with wine, if they don’t drink it they can easily bring it to a party/re-gift.
Have you done the candles in previous years..?
And anyway- give them a chance to say thanks (I get the hurt from seeing the other thanks on SM).

PurpleSapphire · 17/12/2021 01:46

I wouldn't expect a text or note. Presumably they said thankyou when the gifts were handed over? I've never really understood this thanking people over and over thing that some do. I agree also that you didn't need to spend that much, Yankee candles are lovely yes but i've had a few bought for me in the past and i'm not being ungrateful but i've absolutely nowhere to put them! I've candles of my own that match my decor (i'm counting 11 from here looking around). Card and a bottle of decent wine is more than ok.

avamiah · 17/12/2021 02:05

I personally wouldn’t think too much into it but I have to say a bottle of wine and a card would in my opinion been a better gift.
Candles are just not everybody’s cup of tea unless you know them well and know they like candles.

alexdgr8 · 17/12/2021 02:14

you sound very intense OP. maybe it's the anxiety affecting you.
listen to your husband. change what you are doing.
and you control what other people do, so don't get wound up about it.
and to be honest, maybe they are hoping you will stop giving them candles, not everyone likes them, nor should they be grateful just because you wasted money on them. sorry, but to me, it is a waste of money, overpriced nonsense, esp as you have no reason to think these people like such things.
you like them, fine, good for you. buy them for yourself.
you don't need to give these people any gifts at all.

alexdgr8 · 17/12/2021 02:18

obviously i meant to say that
you can't control what other people do.

i think you are making life harder than it need be.
and it can be hard enough without any extra effort in that direction.
so try to lighten up.
don't get caught up in constriction of the oughteries.

what other people ought to do etc. you're on a hiding to nothing there.
relax, enjoy your family.
have a good xmas.

TooBigForMyBoots · 17/12/2021 02:20

People are busy at this time of year. Coaches/teachers/tutors etc. get loads of presents, I have never known one to send a thank you.

YABU here @Londonlassie12 but I think your hurt is real.Brew

Fucket · 17/12/2021 02:21

I’m so over giving Xmas gifts to teachers, coaches etc. I work in a private school and one of the teachers complained about the standard of gift they’d been given in the staff room.

I was agog and they quickly realised what they were saying. Some people who work with our children, who get paid a fair amount to do so, have Come to expect this treatment at Xmas and summer.

From that moment on I vowed never to give more than a token gift of appreciation to anyone I pay fees to. And if I ever get too full of my own importance I hope someone will pull me up on it.

TooBigForMyBoots · 17/12/2021 03:48

My DSs go to schools with high FSM entitlement. IME, the thing teachers want most is a personal message from the child. The next best gift is resources. Highlighters/art materials.

Everything after that is shared in the staff room.

They particularly like Ferraro Roche and cheese.Xmas Confused

shenanigans5 · 17/12/2021 03:54

I find Yankee candles a touch unpleasant. I don’t know why- maybe overpowering.
I’d go for a tub of celebrations each or a bottle of prosecco.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 17/12/2021 03:59

This is Mumsnet, so of course everyone is going to tell you YABU.

Whereas in the real world (or at least my real world), you thank people for gifts. It’s really rude not to.

I would definitely be scaling down the gifts in future.

ElftonWednesday · 17/12/2021 04:02

I wouldn't say thank you for Christmas gifts until I saw you again in January. Chill out.

DrManhattan · 17/12/2021 04:04

Think you spent way too much. There are knock off versions of those candles everywhere so they may think it's a much cheaper present than it is.
It is rude though not to say thank you, whatever the gift is.

Fallagain · 17/12/2021 04:04

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for understanding, I'm so upset here, we give 100% to our child's activity, drive her all over the country, always pay her fees on time.. Always try our best to give a nice gift at Christmas & it's not appreciated... I do think hubby's probably right & I need to stop acting like we owe them more than term fees...
Paying fees on time is something to be expected not appreciated. As for driving your daughter you are doing that for your daughter not her coaches.

Did they say thank you when the gift was handed over? The gift is for you to day thank you and yet you expect and written thank you note -
When would this loop of thank yous ever end?

Yankee candles are a rather personal gift. If I received it then it would go straight to the charity shop. Your DH right that a more generic gift is more appropriate for people you don’t know.

LovelyJubblyBubbly · 17/12/2021 04:08

YANBU

But as a few others have said maybe they will open them on Christmas Day. Hopefully you’ll receive a thank you text then. But I would have thought at least one would have texted to say thank you for the gifts anyway.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 17/12/2021 04:09

If the gift was from your daughter and they thanked your daughter when she handed them over (I'm assuming they didn't just grab them out of her hands and say nothing) then that's sufficient surely?

TyrannosaurusRegina · 17/12/2021 04:13

PS I love yankee candles! I think they are just one of the 'in' things on MN to complain about.

Evergreenblue · 17/12/2021 04:14

Did they ask for gifts or ask you to spend so much? If not then I don't see what your issue is, you should be teaching your child that gifts are tokens of affection, given without any expectation of recompense.
It sounds more like you are using gifts as a way to prove status and demand recognition. It's nice if they initially say thank you but you are putting way touch focus on demanding personal recognition for spending so much, that's just grabby and crass. The gift of giving should be reward enough 🤔.

Hoolihan · 17/12/2021 04:15

You think this is a really nice gift but many people wouldn't, especially for the second year running! However they should say thank you regardless - as others have said perhaps they thanked your daughter at the time. Have you asked her?

ImustLearn2Cook · 17/12/2021 04:17

@Londonlassie12 Try not to be hurt. If they said thank you to your dd at the time of receiving the gifts then I presume that if you were there they would have thanked you too. But if you weren’t there I presume that they would have thought thanking your dd was enough and it would be passed on.

When they thanked specific parents on social media for their gifts was it before you gave your gift?

flyingant · 17/12/2021 04:27

I would assume the coaches think that saying thank you to the child handing them the gift is enough.

anotheronenow · 17/12/2021 04:34

Yankee Candles website doesn't have anything for 35.00 OP is there any chance you got ripped off somewhere?

So I feel like you, it's so rude and entitled when you buy a nice gift and don't get it acknowledged.

But, like a lot of the PP's I find fragrance a very personal thing and I would not like a scented candles gift set. perhaps most importantly, I would think you'd spent less than a tenner (why I was looking at the website thinking man, these are some pricey candles).

So agree with your DH. Cheapo plonk next time, if anything!

Chin up, you live and learn eh?

WeAreTheHeroes · 17/12/2021 04:45

@anotheronenow - the YC website does have candles that cost what the OP spent: full size jar candles are £24.99 and a set of three small votives is £9.99. Why do some posters try to make out the OP is lying?

It is rude not to say thank you and to only thank some people publicly. There's no way I would spend so much on these coaches though. If you ever want to give them a gift again, take your lead from what they seem to have appreciated more and certainly don't spend that kind of money ever again.

ScotInExile · 17/12/2021 04:48

An elite sports team at 7 years old? What kind of sport does a 7 year old compete in at an elite level?

Rainbowabacus1 · 17/12/2021 04:52

I totally get it op and think you have been incredibly generous to them all. Next year, I’d go to home bargains and get them some bits. You can fill a gift bag for about £5 per person Smile

Dita73 · 17/12/2021 04:54

You are massively overreacting. If they said thank you when they were given the presents then that’s fine. If you don’t get the reaction or response you want when you give gifts then you probably shouldn’t give them if it’s going to make you so upset

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