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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 19/12/2021 03:27

I’d message asking if they’d received gifts, as you hadn’t seen any acknowledgment?

Did the daughter hand her the gift though? If so, of course they received them. They would likely be confused if they took them from the daughter and said thank you to the daughter?

Londoncallingme · 19/12/2021 03:49

I’m a teacher and I thank in person to each child or parent that gives a gift - and a general thank you will go in the newsletter but I don’t thank individually. But the fact that they did thank some and not others is really not ok.

KatherineJaneway · 19/12/2021 05:49

Looks like OP isn't coming back to give us an update. Oh well.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 19/12/2021 06:05

It's very crass of them to post pictures of gifts on SM I can't stand that 'look what I got' sort of post. Have a lovely Christmas OP and don't give this another thought Thanks

Watchamocauli · 19/12/2021 08:57

Sometimes mumsnet is just plain crazy.

Thank you text/notes/emails are for the acknowledgement, time and effort.

All those saying candles are rubbish gifts..do you only thank the gift giver when you like them? If so, you have been raised incorrectly.

Porcupineintherough · 19/12/2021 09:33

@Watchamocauli well said.

MrsClatterbuck · 19/12/2021 10:00

@girlmom21

"You thank people for thank you cards? Do you then expect them to thank you for your thank you text for their thank you card?"

This stood out for me as well. I get nice thank you cards with pictures for baby gifts as well as wedding gifts but it wouldn't even cross my mind to thank them for their thank you card. That's just bonkers

SaintDrogo · 19/12/2021 10:16

I agree with you OP. A quick message to say thanks and merry Christmas would be fine, but to not acknowledge it is rude. Last year, I got vouchers for local coffee shop/deli that I know 3 coaches go to frequently and one of them thanked DS when he handed it over and messaged me later to thank me too, the other 2 told DS to put the cards containing the vouchers on the pile of jackets and although I saw them leaving training carrying the cards, they never mentioned anything to me or DS about them. It’s just rude!

Seeleyboo · 19/12/2021 10:25

I know how you feel OP. I used to do office clearances and would donate anything left behind. The main stock that would be there would be stationary. From paper to post it notes. White boards etc. The small stuff. And I'm not talking one of each item. There would be 400 post it note pads etc. Anyway i would load up my car and use my time to go around local schools and nurseries and ask them to take what they needed. As soon as they saw me approaching they knew i had goodies. Not once.......not once did i get a thank you or a card or a picture by the kids etc. I felt very disheartened but i just couldn't see it go in a skip.

hollielouise66 · 19/12/2021 10:30

That's so rude of them. I would hope for a thank you too. It's just basic manners.

Some of the comments on here about the candles are horrible. Why do people have to be so unkind..

Pinklilly123 · 19/12/2021 10:47

It’s very unreasonable of them to not say Thankyou! But… don’t buy gifts that expensive. Like your DH says wine and a card is MORE than enough. Or next year just don’t get anything because if they can’t acknowledge what you got then why bother?

Butchyrestingface · 19/12/2021 10:51

The sets were 35 quid each & dd helped me wrap them & she did the cards.

This is why I give vouchers. No chuffing way would I be dropping £175 on gifts there's no guarantee anyone would even like.

Having said that, if they're making a point of publicly thanking other parents, it's only polite to thank you too. I wouldn't bother with them next year. Spent your money on candles for yourself. Xmas Smile

NameChangeCity123 · 19/12/2021 11:00

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

This is Mumsnet, so of course everyone is going to tell you YABU.

Whereas in the real world (or at least my real world), you thank people for gifts. It’s really rude not to.

I would definitely be scaling down the gifts in future.

Completely agree with this. Honestly I think what people say on here and what they do in reality are often two very different things.

You gave a gift and I think it is reasonable to expect that the recipient could spend 30 seconds acknowledging it via a text. It would have taken less time than their social media posts I am sure...

I would take this as a lesson for next year and save myself the £175.

SoupDragon · 19/12/2021 11:21

Whereas in the real world (or at least my real world), you thank people for gifts

And if the gift is given in person, you say your thanks in person.

RaspberryBlower99 · 19/12/2021 12:57

TBH I'd be a bit embarrassed if someone spent that much on a gift under those circumstances (and wouldn;t guess they cost that much either)

But they should say thank you. I'd like a text of acknowledgement even if they said thank you when they received them, but would at the very least think they should have said thank you at the time.

That said I'd be p'd off with them going to the trouble of posting thank you's to other parents on social media and not even sending me a text

Derbee · 19/12/2021 13:05

@SoupDragon

Whereas in the real world (or at least my real world), you thank people for gifts

And if the gift is given in person, you say your thanks in person.

Exactly. The gift was given, the recipient would have said thank you. It’s OTT to then need a second thank you, either by way of a card or a text.
MRSAHILL · 19/12/2021 13:43

You sound like a very generous person. There is still time for them to thank you for the presents, perhaps they are busy. My niece is a teacher and is very thankful and grateful for all the presents she receives, even if they are not to her taste and however expensive or inexpensive they are, they all mean the same to her and are appreciated by her. It's good manners to thank someone for a gift and hopefully they will eventually. I wouldn't spend as much next year though as your dh is right, you really don't need to.

Knittinglibby · 19/12/2021 13:45

@Londonlassie12 you sound so lovely! I do think they should send a thank you and not post some presents and not others. It would have been better if they just posted a message to all kind parents for their support this year and not tagged any people/presents.

Having said all that, I think a Yankee Candle set is very much something some people would like, but many would not appreciate and even be shocked it cost that much. It's almost personal you know? In situations like that I usually give a token gift or a gift card they can enjoy for treats through the year. Something like Costa or M&S etc.

I hope you get your thank you! Try not to worry about it.

BoredZelda · 19/12/2021 15:58

If someone gave me a Yankee candle I’d not be happy at all. I don’t use them and even if I did they are stupidly expensive. I’d say thanks to whomever handed it to me but why would I follow it up with a further thanks?

Seems you only gave the gift to receive gratification.

ImmutableSexQueen · 19/12/2021 15:59

Please don't send me any presents. I never, ever write 'thank you' notes.

Nigglenaggle · 19/12/2021 16:21

Give for the sake of giving eh? Not for a gratifying reaction for yourself. It's this kind of neediness that makes me dread opening gifts from some people, because however hard I try I can't ham it up enough to satisfy them.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2021 16:24

But they probably thanked dd when she gave it to them.

limitedperiodonly · 19/12/2021 17:13

I usually give a token gift or gift card they can enjoy for treats through the year. Something like Costa or M&S etc.

I wish people wouldn't do this @Knittinglibby. I don't doubt that it is a generous gesture but it would be wasted on me and many people. I've never been in Costa because coffee and a sandwich is not my idea of a treat. I recently treated myself to some sensible cotton knickers from M&S because there was nothing else and the card was going to expire. They weren't even the colour or design I liked.

That's the trick. These companies don't provide anything but a time-limited promise to pay in goods. The cards get voided if they're not spent in time and the company keeps your money. The worst for this is WH Smith.

I have £200 in accumulated gift cards from John Lewis but I don't need anything from there apart from bed linen but I didn't like the designs. I could buy stuff but it would be a waste. On Christmas Day I'll open another £50 that I can't spend and would rather people kept in their bank accounts than John Lewis's.

At least a Yankee candle is tangible and would smell nice and I wouldn't be brooding about non-tangible assets on a countdown to zero in a company's bank account. Why not give people cash so they can decide?

limitedperiodonly · 19/12/2021 17:21

I have told people I would prefer them not to buy me gift cards. I have never asked them for money instead but it would be nice if they could use their imagination seeing as I can see how much money they've spent on me. But it's not "nice".

If they don't want to give me cash I'd rather they kept it or gave it to charity rather than me going into WH Smith and splurging on a lifetime's supply of wrapping paper and chocolate oranges because the card was about to expire and there was nothing else I wanted.

MrsPetty · 19/12/2021 17:42

I’m a bit like that too. With DDs teachers. I’ve gotten used to it now though. I’m guessing they like the gifts but I don’t really care either way. They’re just a thank you for all the free childcare from me ….