To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

[Londonlassie12]

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

I agree with those that say you don't need to give so much, and you've already taken that on board. I just sympathise with being excited about giving a gift only for it to go unacknowledged. I gave my brother a nice bottle of whiskey once. He thanked me immediately upon opening but it wasn't the time to open the bottle. As I wasn't a whisky drinker at the time and didn't know if the bottle I got was good I asked him about it later, and his response was "I didn't realise I had to thank you twice". I was so embarrassed, I wasn't seeking accolades, but it's true I was seeking to know if it was truly enjoyed.

The only time I don't say thank you is when I get things from my ex as I'm now trying to "grey rock" him. It's so uncomfortable.

I think you're massively over thinking. If likely be slightly put out that someone didn't thank me, but then I'd think nothing more about it. The fact you're so upset and posting on a public forum is just wierd. Sounds more like you think you've done an amazing thing and you want to be covered in glory. You say you have anxiety, do you also have some narcissistic tendencies?

@Comtesse

We put £20 in the collection for the main teacher gifts this year for each kid which at 2 x £20 seems plenty to me. 5 x £35 is a shed load of money for people who have a lot less impact on your daughter’s life. It’s kind of you, but your DH is right, pull it way back next year.

I donated £20 to the teacher collection of a £60 voucher there was no suggested amount it is a highly affluent area and very well off parents and a good class teacher - class of 30 - 20 contributions ‘comments in the card from all families who donated’ I won’t be doing that next year - I give to the teacher direct next year not because she’s not a good teacher - but because I want it to reflect what we put in from a thought wise and money wise

@RichardMarxisinnocent since when does one only thank people for gifts one likes?

I just think people are too obsessed with gift giving and thank yous. Perhaps they’d rather not receive the gift rather than be expected to send a thank you (sorry, it’s going to sound ungrateful but I would rather not receive gifts in that sense). I just think the world has gone crazy with commercialism, gift giving and then expecting a pat on the back in return. Gift manufacturers (candle makers?) are doing very well out of this strange unnecessary cycle. I’m a teacher and would MUCH prefer a quick thank you email if it was genuine and I would respond to that. No need for presents and I’d rather not to have to send lots of thank yous on a busy end of term when I’ve a million other things to do. Sorry grump over. In regard to the social media aspect, seems odd to thank some on there but not all but that is the horror that is social media - preys on ‘popularity’ etc. Just become an old grouch, send no presents and you’ll never be disappointed (only half joking).

I think that gifts for teachers etc are given as a kind of thank you from the parent/child, so it's not really necessary to say thank you for the thank you iyswim

I think YABU. My internal rule for presents is to send a written thank you, by text or mail if the giver wasn't there when I received it. If they give it to me in person and I open it in the spot the verbal thank yous are enough. So by my rules it's likely they thanked your daughter in person when she gave them the present or they are sitting under the tree and haven't been opened yet.

The only exception to this would be if it was an absolutely amazing, thoughtful, well chosen gift. Then I might follow up the verbal thank you with a text or card later on. This wouldn't be to thank them for the gift as much as to thank them for their thoughtfulness.

I also think you are confusing the material cost of the present to you with the value of it to the recipient. They cost you a lot of money so you are expecting a lot of gratitude. It doesn't work like that. One expensive gift set given to 5 different people with nothing in common except their job is not thoughtful. It's bordering in the transactional. I have been given many expensive candle sets over the years and all but one of them (which happened to be to my taste) went straight to the charity shop. However gifts that have prompted a second thank you have included 2 beautifully gift wrapped bars of a particular supermarket own brand chocolate (the giver had noticed I liked them months before and remembered). I was very touched by that. The cost of the 2 bars was £3.90 but the thought was priceless. And my BFF once bought me a secondhand poster from EBay for a band I liked when I was young. The cost was tiny, I think they paid as much in postage as they did for the poster but the effort and thought that had gone into it was huge.

I'd lay off the presents next year. Giving is supposed to make you feel happy not resentful.

Teachers get paid though, coaches usually don't. For that reason I give a bit more to the football coaches and scouts leaders than I do to the teacher. DSs football coaches ( he has stopped now) were young lads who gave up a full evening and a Sunday morning. They could have got a second job instead during that time.

I don't know why so many posters feel the need to tell OP (who's already said she has anxiety) that they think her choice of gift is rubbish. It's unnecessary and unkind. Yankee candles are popular so clearly lots of people like them.

But OP, the coaches will have thanked your daughter when she gave the gift. It's not normal to thank twice and in two different ways. The gift was from her and they thanked her.

Sorry to the original OP if they said thanks to your daughter that would be enough for me

@dudsville - wow, your brother was bloody rude! You clearly weren't asking to be thanked again, but asking a totally reasonable question!

Given they've posted about other gifts you can assume they have opened them but regardless of whether you're into candles or not, you've gone out of your way to spend time and money on them - I'd absolutely be sending a quick thank you note. YANBU.

That wouldn't be my idea of a good gift unfortunately....
Having said that it's still quite rude not to send a text.

But OP, the coaches will have thanked your daughter when she gave the gift. It's not normal to thank twice and in two different ways. The gift was from her and they thanked her.

@saraclara - this has already been said by many others on this thread.

Hi OP I always acknowledge gifts by text and say thank you! No matter what they are. Dependant on the age of the coaches/what they’re into I don’t think they’re probably into Yankee candles. I’m not into candles because of the health risks of them - maybe as they’re sporty types they’re not too!

I donated a load of new books to my childrens' school library. I had several email conversations with the librarian about the type of books, how many, where to leave them etc.

After I dropped them off - not one email was sent. Not even to acknowledge they had been safely received.

People are thoughtless and rude sometimes.

@GiltEdges

*if you're giving them with the expectation of being told how wonderful the presents are, I think you might be looking at this the wrong way.

You're presumably giving them presents to show your appreciation of the effort they've put into their coaching, rather than to be thanked or appreciated yourself.*

Completely agree with all of this. The overly extravagant gifts actually seem to be more of a desperate plea from you to be acknowledged /liked by these people. Unfortunately that isn't how gift giving works, you can't buy people. Particularly not with £35 worth of Yankee candles, which won't be to everyone's taste.

Listen to your DH and stop wasting your time, money and headspace on this.

All of this . I have asthma which is triggered by scented candles, plug in scented things, strong perfume. I would have said thank you to your daughter and then put them on the raffle prize/tombola contribution/regifting shelf in the office at home. I would have no idea how much you had spent but I certainly didn't think Yankee candles cost that much.

I’m really sorry OP the coaches have been selective on who they thanked! I personally think it is rude and regardless of what the gifts are, they should be gracious! I would be upset like you but overthinking will upset you more. Just think you and your dd did something nice and next year a bottle of wine it is! ❤️

@saraclara

I don't know why so many posters feel the need to tell OP (who's already said she has anxiety) that they think her choice of gift is rubbish. It's unnecessary and unkind. Yankee candles are popular so clearly lots of people like them.

But OP, the coaches will have thanked your daughter when she gave the gift. It's not normal to thank twice and in two different ways. The gift was from her and they thanked her.

But she posted. With respect, if someone has anxiety that bad then they shouldn't be posting on a forum where they'll obviously get criticism. People aren't here to sugar coat responses in case a poster gets upset

Sorry not read all the responses, but I wondered about the relevance of it being an "elite team sport", what do you mean by that?

Is it Elite Youth Sports or just a superior sport in your opinion?

If the former, no relevance to the post, if the latter ?????? would you have been happier to get no thanks from say a football coach?

I'm not usually one to jump on people's wording, but the word elite seriously made me - so happy to be told I'm missing some innocent explanation of the term.

I think a thank you text is quick and easy, but I also think that a “thank you” said at the time is just as acceptable.

I don’t think that whether you say thank you or not should depend on the value of the gift, but honestly if I realised a lot had been spent I think I’d be more likely to text as well.

But… I personally think that candles are a thoughtless “go to” gift, never buy them, and would assume any candle set cost a tenner, not £35. So it wouldn’t bump you up my mental list of “must say a second thank you”.

Something else to consider is who the gift is from. Of course everyone knows the adult sorted it out. But usually these things are presented as, “from the child”. Therefore, the thank you is due to the child, has been done in person and thanking you directly is denying the pretence we like to maintain that it’s “from the child.”

Don’t do it next year. It obviously upsets you so stop doing it. Selective thank yous are even worse. Spend your money on something else.

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for the replies, yes I think that's the end of the gifts, I spent 35 quid each on 5 coaches so 175 quid😢 a simple thanks for acknowledging would be nice...

I wouldn't know that they cost so much money. If someone gave me a selection of them, I would think it would be about the same as some wine and chocolates.

Box of chocs and a card, or a bottle of wine would’ve sufficed. You’ve gone a bit overboard I think - your response to not being thanked is telling, in that you’ve gone the extra mile so have expectations.

Nevertheless, not to receive proper thanks is rude of the coaches - maybe they will do it in person when they see you next, hopefully.

Maybe your DD never handed them over and is running a black market sales distribution for yankee candles at her school now.