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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
camperqueen54 · 17/12/2021 04:55

This type of gift giving and the reactions you expect from others are what really puts me of Christmas tbh!

SuPerDoPer · 17/12/2021 05:03

We don't give gifts for the praise surely? We give people gifts that we think they will like to acknowledge that we love or appreciate them in some way. I think you've got this all wrong - you've given gifts that you would like to recieve, do you know that these people like candles? I don't and I would definitely feel awkward at receiving a deliberately expensive looking present. I'd probably re-gift or sell them on market place. I think saying thank you once, when you recieve the gift, is sufficient and there's no need to repeat this just because the giver has been overly generous. I think your DP is right, scale down the generosity and stop expecting praise for giving an unnecessarily expensive present.

Theremoresefulday · 17/12/2021 05:09

Did they thank your daughter when she handed them over?

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/12/2021 05:12

You really have spent far too much on something, which not everyone likes - I don’t, especially Yankee as they smell so strongly. Additionally, not everyone can even safely burn candles, maybe they have small kids or the smell and / or the flickering light can set a migraine off. I suffer from migraines.

What I could suggest is that next year you buy something a lot cheaper as a token gift. What sort of thing were the coaches thanking people for? Perhaps you could choose something more like that.

I think you have broken the first rule of gift giving; the gift is for the benefit of the receiver, not for the giver. As for thank yous, perhaps you have more time or more energy to thank people. They possibly have full lives, working (or other commitments) then training kids in the evenings. I always gave gifts to teachers with no expectation of a thank you. They were far too busy for this.

larkle · 17/12/2021 05:14

You sound as if you are trying to do the right thing, OP. It is a shame because you would clearly love a set of scented candles.
However, many people don't use scented candles any more because they are carcinogenic.
I agree with your husband that the right present would be something to eat or drink that the coaches can share with each other..
Try not to be anxious and next time spend the money on yourself

Honeymint · 17/12/2021 05:30

I understand the upset, I think I’d feel a bit upset myself. But also I expect they said thank you to your daughter on receiving the gifts?

When I was younger my mum always made me send thank you cards to anyone I hadn’t been able to thank in person. I still send them now, but I feel like I’m the only one who does. (I’m my family / friend group anyway)

Then posting some gifts on social media and not others is a bit tone deaf though.

From now on if you still want to get them anything I’d stick to something small.

Tabbypawpaw · 17/12/2021 05:39

Do you think they’re waiting to see you at next week’s training? But I agree OP, it is basic good manners to get a message to you saying thanks, regardless of whether they like it or not.

Kokeshi123 · 17/12/2021 05:50

I think posting some gifts on SM but not others is quite rude. Also, I would have messaged the person online and thanked them, if it was their kid who handed the gift over. A written note is probably a bit much to expect though.

MimiDaisy11 · 17/12/2021 05:56

It is tone deaf to single out some parents on social media and not others. Though like others say as your gift is wrapped they may be waiting to open it on Christmas. Ask your daughter if they opened it.

You probably wouldn’t be feeling this anxious if you’d given them some wine. Also you took a risk getting some scented candles. Many people wouldn’t realise how expensive they are or like them.

lockdownalli · 17/12/2021 05:58

I don't understand.

I would only send a text or note to someone if they had sent me a present. Your DD gave the coaches their gifts and they will have thanked her in person.

It would be weird to follow that up with an additional text.

Corbally · 17/12/2021 06:00

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

This is Mumsnet, so of course everyone is going to tell you YABU.

Whereas in the real world (or at least my real world), you thank people for gifts. It’s really rude not to.

I would definitely be scaling down the gifts in future.

But presumably they thanked the OP’s DD when they were given? I agree that thank you messages are for when you can’t thank someone in person. I wouldn’t expect one from a coach any more than I would a teacher. I’m puzzled as to why you keep repeating that you ‘give 100%’ to your child’s activity, drive her all over the country, and pay her fees on time — you’re presumably doing that because your DD loves the sport, not to do the coaches a favour?

(Off-topic, but can a seven year old really be in an ‘elite team sport’?)

GiltEdges · 17/12/2021 06:00

*if you're giving them with the expectation of being told how wonderful the presents are, I think you might be looking at this the wrong way.

You're presumably giving them presents to show your appreciation of the effort they've put into their coaching, rather than to be thanked or appreciated yourself.*

Completely agree with all of this. The overly extravagant gifts actually seem to be more of a desperate plea from you to be acknowledged /liked by these people. Unfortunately that isn't how gift giving works, you can't buy people. Particularly not with £35 worth of Yankee candles, which won't be to everyone's taste.

Listen to your DH and stop wasting your time, money and headspace on this.

larkle · 17/12/2021 06:03

'Most scented candles contain paraffin wax, which is derived from petroleum, coal or shale oil. When it's burnt, paraffin wax releases toxic compounds into the air, including acetone, benzene, and toluene – all known carcinogens. So not only are they damaging the environment but our health, too.11 Oct 2019'

larkle · 17/12/2021 06:06

None of my friends and family use scented candles anymore. They are not a brilliant choice of present, no matter how kind the intention. Stick to food or drink next time

Holidaytan · 17/12/2021 06:08

You’ve probably created another job for them. Now they have to find someone to re-gift the candles to, at an already busy time of year.

Wombat69 · 17/12/2021 06:10

I was going to say candles are a problem too for indoor air pollution.

You picked something you like. I'd have no clue it cost that much. Given in person, thanks were done then.

I've been round my friend's house after Christmas. She's a teacher and her living room was like a shop. Inundated with chocolate & other very nice presents but she didn't want or need anything. She didn't even like chocolate & gave me a fab cafetiere as she had more than one...

DixieSun · 17/12/2021 06:18

I really dislike Yankee candles but I would still have said thank you

You said you wanted a message saying they love teaching x, don't buy presents hoping for compliments!

Just stop buying.

Dyrne · 17/12/2021 06:29

I’m also confused - if your DD handed over the gifts then presumably they’d have thanked your DD in person.

Do you expect an in person thanks and a follow up note every time you give someone a gift?

NewtoHolland · 17/12/2021 06:30

Ach, spending full price on Yankees is against my religion, I'd go to somewhere that has them on offer. I do like the scents though!
I think a bottle of prosecco or champagne might be easier next year and much cheaper, easier to regift etc or a gift card for £25.
I would hope I'd send a text to say thank you but sometimes I might forget. This doesn't mean they don't like you or DD ...they are probably just a bit less thoughtful than you...I think having anxiety usually makes people very conscientious like yourself as you can become so so aware of others feelings...try not to let their lack of reaction eat you up, giving a kind gift was a nice thing to do, you don't need their reaction to confirm that or validate you, it was lovely in itself without any of that :)

ApolloandDaphne · 17/12/2021 06:37

Apart from the fact that I too agree you have spent far too much on them, I also suspect these gifts have been taken home to open actually on Christmas Day. You may get a thank you after then. Next year spend less and lower your expectations.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2021 06:38

I wouldn't know that some candles in a jar were particularly expensive or considered desirable. Certainly wouldn't guessed it when younger. (And would rather have received chocolate or wine that glorified air-freshener).

I'm sure they thanked your dd. Weren't the gifts ostensibly from her?

Maybe they'll text, or mention it next time they see you.

Maybe their mothers, grannies or aunts will be getting candles for Christmas.

hopeishere · 17/12/2021 06:40

That is way too much to spend!! Plus Yankee candles are marmite. If someone gave me one I'd charity shop it. I'd no idea they were that expensive.

Is there more to this though? Do you think there is favouritism in the group? Hence some kids getting a shout out and others don't?

TippedOverIceberg · 17/12/2021 06:40

My daughter gave her coaches a gift each, I assume they said thank you when she handed them over. I wouldn't expect them to thank me as well.

I think a candle is a weird present to give coaches of an elite sports team though, as is alcohol. If they're serious and still competing, they're unlikely to be something they will use regularly or at all.
DD made them a card (her choice) and we gave each a small box of chocolates.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2021 06:42

Off-topic, but can a seven year old really be in an ‘elite team sport’?

Gymnastics or ice skating. There'll be others.

silverley · 17/12/2021 06:43

I think they've caused some of the anxiety around the issue for you OP, by thanking others publicly on social media (very unprofessional). If they hadn't done that I think you'd maybe feel a bit miffed at not getting a thank you, but now you're left wondering what's wrong with the gift/feeling less liked/like you haven't made the cut/etc.