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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:

stingofthebutterfly · 18/12/2021 18:32

I wouldn't have a clue how much a Yankee candle cost. Overpriced is all I could guess. It's just wax at the end of the day. £175 is ridiculous. You don't need to give them anything.

If they said thank you when they received the gift then I don't see the issue.

Justsaynonow · 18/12/2021 19:10

My children did an elite sport for years. We paid a high hourly rate and volunteered 1000's of hours per year to provide a good functioning infrastructure for the club. Everyone gave the coaches gifts at Christmas, usually something plus cash totalling 2-3h of their rate. I stopped that after repeatedly having no acknowledgement that they'd actually received the $200+ gift. I could see it possibly being lost in the piles of gifts. I switched to a card and wine for each - probably about 8 coaches a year? The kids were usually thanked when the gifts were given, though once when my daughter saw one of the gifts in the club room months later, I said to just bring it home, but it had disappeared by her next training day. One of the coaches once asked me to send a blanket email out to the membership, thanking those who had given thoughtful gifts. I didn't. Too gobsmacked at the ego on him. I don't know that he took note of who gave the biggest gifts but he definitely knew who owned restaurants/could do him favours and they received special attention. Skating is definitely a viper's nest, lol.

The kids are now coaching and bring home piles of gifts - they say thank you when they receive them but don't write thank you notes. Last night's pile included chocolates, hot chocolate mixes & lots of Starbucks cards.They always know who they're from as there are cards with each gift.

I think the PP who said there's a difference between thank you gifts to people you hire and gifts to friends had it right, though in either case an in person thank you should suffice.

Fluffmum · 18/12/2021 19:25

Yanbu . Nobody thanks anyone fir gifts any. It’s just rude

Robin60 · 18/12/2021 19:25

Just drop it - it’s not going to happen….
If you give to receive a thank you then that’s not exactly in the spirit of giving, is it? Receiving a thank you is a bonus however much you spend.

Hertsgirl10 · 18/12/2021 19:35

@Londonlassie12

The sets were 35 quid each & dd helped me wrap them & she did the cards.. I feel deflated.. If anyone gives me anything ever I send a thank you immediately.... it's just nice... DH say I need to stop acting like we owe them something, tuition is costing a fortune

@Londonlassie12 they probably aren’t posting because they’re planning on re gifting them? Such an expensive gift and I’m not that into candles so would think this would save me sending money on this person or that person…

Naughty1205 · 18/12/2021 19:37

Haven't read replies but this seriously pisses me off. Some people are just ungrateful. That was very kind of you, I wouldn't bother my arse doing it again though!

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 18/12/2021 19:39

@Londonlassie12

Sorry the title read wrong, should have said text, a thank you text! Personally I acknowledge everything, a cute card thankinh me for a baby gift I reply with love the baby thank you card etc... Out of 5 of them not one responded... Even a thank you we love coaching x happy Christmas would acknowledge the gift...

Have I understood you right? You send a thank you card, thanking them for the thank you card they sent you? Do you expect them to thank you for the thank you card you sent that thanked them for the thank you card they sent? 🤯

AnnaSW1 · 18/12/2021 19:42

But Christmas hasn't happened yet...

TinyDancer275 · 18/12/2021 19:57

Some people are so rude. It's basic manners to thank somebody if they have given you a card or gift. Just to acknowledge you.
Definitely don't buy them anything next year! Especially when you put a lot of thought into it.
Nevermind OP. Xx

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 20:01

@Londonlassie12

I am all for thank you letters for proper presents, but OP thanking someone for sending you a thank you card for a present you sent them is like something from a Friends sketch about Monica.

This plus your comment about what the coaches put on social media, plus the fact you spent 175 quid does feel like this gift giving is also attention seeking from you.

The realty is, lots of people don’t like candles and find them fairly pointless - they probably thought you spent the equivalent of a bottle of wine, a token gift which doesn’t need more than a thank you at the time. It’s like giving a soap and body lotion set, half the time they end up being recycled.

Your husband is right, just give them a bottle of wine if you feel you need to give them anything at all.

TheRemotePart · 18/12/2021 20:05

I love Yankee candles and so does one of my good friends!
Let’s start a Yankee candle appreciation thread!
It’s not Christmas in my house, without a festive one!

Maybe they haven’t opened them yet, as others have said: I would’nt say thanks until I knew what it was I was saying thanks for.

Wait and see if they come up and SAY thanks at the next Meet? If they don’t say anything, don’t get them anything next year.
Poor you , just spreading Christmas joy. It I doesn’t matter if you don’t like candles: you say thanks- basic manners

Pinkfluff76 · 18/12/2021 20:12

Sorry OP I feel for you. Really rude of them and upsetting for you. Hope you’re feeling better 💗

Roxy69 · 18/12/2021 20:12

You sound very kind sending notes of thanks. It's a fact of life though that a lot of people don't bother these days thinking thanks at the time are enough. Personally I I wouldn't want to receive candles for such an inflated amount - I would be embarrassed by the amount they cost and awkward about that. Also I don't like the toxic fumes they give off. Neither would I want wine to be honest, give it a miss next year.

icelolly99 · 18/12/2021 20:26

Are they paid for their role or volunteers?

Georgiah82 · 18/12/2021 20:49

Good manners are, unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past. Just don't bother next year

Kite22 · 18/12/2021 20:54

I actually can't stand this need to give gifts to everyone and his wife. I used to volunteer with children for many years. We all put a lot of hours in and I really can't remember getting anything from any of the parents. I guess it was different times but there seemed to be a lot less angst back then

This. I still volunteer, but I really, really don't want a ton of gifts especially ones I then have to find a way of passing on. Nor, as a busy working parents do I want to spend time sourcing gifts for all the people who have supported my dc over the year.
Let's all say thank you, and mean it, when people do something to help us out. Let's offer a hand or a bit of support when we can. I know a lot of people that work with children and young people in voluntary capacities and each and every one of them would prefer someone to volunteer for even a little bit of the role - 10mins a week even - than for them not to and then end up with a bunch of candles at Christmas.

Ecci · 18/12/2021 20:58

Brother ans sister in law have been married 25 years. This year, for the first time ever, SIL thanked us for her birthday present. Perhaps she's learned some manners finally.

Laurie000 · 18/12/2021 21:07

As a teacher who has received some very kind presents from some of my class members this Xmas, I tend to say thank you to the child if it’s the child handing it over without the parent present. If I get chance, I’ll thank the parent when I see them. If it’s the parent then I’ll say thank you to the parent and thank the child later.

With regards to Yankee Candles. I love them, they’re a nice gift, however I can’t use them as they trigger my migraines. Your DH is right. A card and bottle of wine is more than enough.

Passenger42 · 18/12/2021 22:32

To spend £35 on candles for each coach is over the top and your just trying to “ keep up with the Jones” as my Dad used to say. Stop focusing on how elite the sport is, your child is 7 yrs old, they would have thanked her for a bottle of Prosecco and a card.

sue20 · 18/12/2021 23:17

That is rude but I think giving gifts to teachers has some issues. They are paid to teach and giving a gift sort of pushes that tutor student boundary. Some schools asked parents not to do this because the value of the gifts became competitive and also issues re differing parent wealth. But I’m sorry your Dd was involved I hope she isn’t aware of this outcome. I understand your upset andI think reducing the value and type of gift in future is a good idea. Agree re a gift shouldn’t be valued in its desirability though.

Justploddingon · 18/12/2021 23:26

I'm a teaching assistant and received some lovely gifts from the children. I said thank you and gave them a hug if they wanted one. (Other children with no gifts also got a hug if they asked for one) I haven't messaged the parents to say thank you 🤷‍♀️

mylifestory · 18/12/2021 23:31

I hate candles.
Did you buy them the same thing last year?
Maybe they want to encourage u to buy anymore?
An elite sport at age 7, woooow.
I got our teacher at a private school a good bottle of wine & received a thank you email that evening which i wasnt expecting at all.

RavingAnnie · 19/12/2021 00:00

You don't give to receive. I wouldn't have sent a text afterwards either. And you've given presents you would like. Not something you know they would like. I would hate to be given Yankee or any other scented candle. Air fresheners are terrible for indoor pollution, and I have a fragrance allergy on top of that. Also people with COPD or asthma also often can't use scents. So I'd have thrown it away (as couldn't even have it in the car) so wouldn't have been in any rush to send thanks. Plus I have ADHD so forget to do things like that all the time. Just getting through my day and remembering the essentials takes up all my brain power.

Mamanyt · 19/12/2021 00:31

Twenty years or so ago, you would not have been unreasonable to expect a note...however, times change, and not always for the better. I don't ever expect more than a verbal "Thank you" now when giving gifts, whether in person or by mail. The art of writing a thank you note seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur.

Snowflakeslayer · 19/12/2021 02:36

I’d message asking if they’d received gifts, as you hadn’t seen any acknowledgment?

Rude IYAM

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