To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

[Londonlassie12]

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

@girlmom21

I completely agree. This all sounds rather exhausting. You get a gift, you say thank you. That's it. One thank you is enough.

A gift given in person doesn't warrant a thank you note. I'm sure they thanked your daughter in person.

Sorry op. And I have to say I laughed at the notion that they should wow a more saying how much they love teaching your daughter. I mean, it's their job. Do you expect the same from her class teacher?

I think yabu for a Christmas thank you gift, the point is you are thanking them for their effort not the other way round. I thought you were going to talk about a big birthday/wedding gift.

I wouldn't know or appreciate a Yankee candle set cost £35 and that its a "big gift", for this type of thing I might spend £5 on chocolate/biscuits/wine and wouldn't expect any acknowledgement other than verbal thanks at handover.
Lesson learnt don't spend too much in future especially if you can't afford to.

There are always lots of threads on MN about Xmas “mental load”.

For all that it does take seconds to send a text, that’s seconds for each present. And is “thank you” enough, or does it need to be “thank you for the candles, such a good choice that you gave me the cinnamon one, that’s my favourite scent… etc.”

Also, I’ve coached (non elite 🤣) sport.
Sometimes the “thank you” text is followed by a parent wanting to talk shop. Which is hard to bat off when you’ve just acknowledged a gift from them.

One thank you, in person, is FINE.

That was very generous indeed of you but I think some kind of voucher or wine might be a safer gift. All my candle gifts, Yankee included, end up at the charity shop. I actually totally understand why you feel deflated, you went above and beyond and I would think at least one of them would appreciate a candle set or at the very least acknowledge the gift. There is still time though, maybe they are really busy at the mo. My daughter is in a gymnastics squad and I have gone for wine and a large box of Lindor truffles, probably they would in reality prefer cash but what can you do?

But to add, I would not expect or want any kind of thank you, they don't even have my number!

Sent my daughters sports teacher a smellys and chocolate gift and she sent a lovely personalised thank you text - not necessary but very much appreciated!

Good Manners don’t take much time or effort but do have a big impact! A thankyou goes a long way to building good relationships

Surely it's not about the gift itself (personally I love Yankee and would have been over the moon). Aside from the money- It's the thought and effort and time that someone has spent. A simple acknowledgment means the world and costs nothing.

• a text is even quicker. No excuse.

@lottiegarbanzo

I always wrote thank you notes - to people who had sent me presents, that is, who I hadn't seen on the day I opened them.

In your case @TheCreamCaker your DH gave the gift and was present at its opening, so will have been thanked in person. That is enough.

I suspect what you're doing here is seeking to perpetuate sexism - the idea that gift-buying is a woman's responsibility, so naturally the recipient should have known that you'd chosen, bought and wrapped the gift and your DH was mere delivery boy.

Otherwise why would a sincere thank you to him, in person, for your joint gift, not suffice?

I do agree with this to some extent, though the poster said she wasn’t well and didn’t my go to hand over the gift, so it might have been nice for the recipients to text and say “sorry we didn’t see you, hope you’re feeling better, thanks for the lovely gift”.

In OP’s case, it’s fair enough to acknowledge that a 7 year-old didn’t fund and buy a gift herself!

As a Cub Scout Leader, we (4 of us) don't expect a present from anyone. Some years we get a card from a few Cubs, some years we get presents from a lot of them. This year, we got presents and/or cards from roughly half the Cubs, which was lovely.

We thank everyone in person when we get them, and as our WhatsApp group has been working better this year, I put a thank you on there for all the support and good wishes from all the parents to all of us - thanking them all but generic enough so parents who hadn't given a gift were not embarrassed as it really isn't expected.

But I hope none of those who gave a gift feel upset by not mentioning those. For me, it's completely about the DCs turning up weekly and if parents acknowledge that any way, we are grateful.

@peaceanddove

You are far, far too invested in this. It's unhealthy. Did you give the gifts as a genuine thank you for the coaches' hard work? Or because you want them to like you, and therefore make you feel better about yourself? You sound rather self pitying, to be frank.

These people aren't your friends, they're just doing their job. You say you answer every card, every present etc? Well, most people just do not have the time, or the inclination to do that.

What a horrible depressing attitude to life - miserable .

@Londonlassie12

It was my 7 year old daughter gave it in at training... Yet the same coaches have posted pics of pressies recieved on social media thanking certain parents which is a bit😞 not that I want a social media shout out... Just a thank you text for for the lovely card & gift from dd, much appreciated...

This is the bit that would slightly annoy me. Either thank all parents on social media or none.

I think it's a bit weird for not one of them to acknowledge the gift @Londonlassie12

Are you sure your DD definitely handed them over and they knew they were from you?? Were they labelled up as from you?

Out of 5 people I would definitely expect at least one to thank you!

Christ, this is hard work. DD handed over the presents, they said 'thank you'. That's it. That's your thank you. What a bloody palaver expecting a second follow-up thankyou. Maybe they are busy planning Christmas and don't have time to thank every single child's parent who handed them a gift. If you're going to be so put out about it then don't give them anything next year or just hand over a token box of chocolates. But for heaven's sake don't get the arse because they don't fawn over your yankee candles.

Here is the perfect Christmas thank you letter for busy people from Nigel Molesworth in Geoffrey Willans' and Ronald Searle's How To Be Topp.

No need to thank me @Londonlassie12.

Are they allowed to use your contact details for anything other than club matters? Either way you've given to get public acknowledgment, rather than as a thank you to the coaches. That shouldn't be the reason to give gifts. I'd just take it that they are busy. This is why people don't want random presents, they don't have time for the expectations.

IamGusFring quite the opposite I assure. I'm most definitely a cup half full (and brimming over) type person.

But when it comes to gift giving the pleasure should be in the giving. Not in dictating the manner in which your gift is received.

I like scented candles, Yankee are OK, but not great. I would thank you for the thought, if not the gift iykwim? eg, I cannot stand the smell of pine, reminds me of disinfectant. So if you gave me a candle that had even the slightest pine scent, it would not even make it through my front door. I think this is the problem with scented candles - it is actually quite a personal thing.
I would also be embarrassed to think you had spent that amount of money on me. The this g i've come to realise is that just because you like it, doesn't mean the recipient will do too! I will be thanking the children and parents who have kindly given me gifts this week, but they will be very generic notes due to the number of them!

I wouldn’t expect a thank you from them but I think they were rude to acknowledge some gifts and not others. I had similar when my eldest was 7. She did a club which was funded by pupil premium as I was on benefits at the time. She really wanted to give the leaders a gift but I explained to her I couldn’t afford to buy anything. She spent hours making them cards and writing personal messages inside, she also made them each a snowflake out of glass beads to hang on their tree which took her ages. After the last session they posted a picture of a load of huge bouquets, boxes of chocolates, bought cards etc saying thank you for the gifts but my daughter’s weren’t included in the picture. I couldn’t help but feel a bit sad for my dd that the things she had worked so hard on were seemingly valued less than the expensive gifts. Obviously I was unreasonable to feel that way but it just seemed wrong to picture some and not others.

@Ionlydomassiveones

If someone gave me a load of Yankee candles I’d be silent too. Your DH is completely right.

But that's super ungrateful 🤦‍♀️

I would also be embarrassed to think you had spent that amount of money on me

I wouldn't be, because I wouldn't realise the value spent. I saw a gift set with two large, two medium, two small Yankee candles in jars plus I think twelve tealights for sale for £25, so I would have assumed the op spent half what she did.

If you give someone something in person and they say thank you at the time, I wouldn't expect a separate thank you, even if they opened it later.

But if you don't see someone and they don't even text to say thanks for the present, that is rude in my view.

I don't want to us to go back to the times of having to write a long epistle in perfect handwriting to say thank you for a present you didn't want, but a quick "thank you for the lovely gift" while planning your regifting/donating to charity shop strategy is absolutely fine.

I also think it is rude to acknowledge some gifts and not others. If you have a group chat or similar it's also fine to say "thank you everyone for your lovely gifts". No need to post photos on social media!

I don't think you should be sending big presents to a trainer/teacher, who you pay for. A small token gift e.g. box of chocs/bottle wine, is enough. I think you're expecting too much. They may not like them/haven't opened them yet/already thanked your daughter.

It's rude of them but maybe YABU not to learn from last year. If it's costing you money and hurting your feelings then don't do it?

Isn't 7 a bit young to be considered an elite athlete? But I think they were rude.