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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is selfish denying the DC Christmas?

486 replies

ohganggang · 16/12/2021 21:35

Been together 7 years, married for 5. We have a 4 year old DD, a 2 year old DS and I'm pregnant with out 3rd. DH was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, they do not celebrate Christmas as they believe it is satanic. The religion has a shunning policy and DH got shunned by his family and friends when it came out he was in a relationship with a non-JW (me) at the start of our relationship as that is forbidden. He is essentially dead to his mum, dad and siblings.

DH had stopped believing in the religion long before I came on the scene and was just keeping up pretenses for his family until he got found out. He is now as atheist as they come. He has a lot of religious trauma from his childhood, from growing up believing the world was about to end, watching the kids at his school celebrating Christmas and 'knowing' they were going to be killed in Armageddon for it (they teach that God will kill literally everybody who isn't a JW, no exceptions), being taught that the world is run by Satan etc etc. He lived his childhood in perpetual fear. I have advised him to seek counselling and he won't.

He now rejects anything to do with religion, and can't be doing with Christmas. He actually gets depressed every year around the Christmas season and says it's because it brings up the trauma of his childhood. Because of this, we've never bothered with Christmas together. For the first couple of years of the relationship before living together, marriage and DC I'd just go to my family on Christmas Day as usual. Christmas 2017 after DD was born, we stayed home and did nothing and it was the first year I didn't do anything for Christmas. Me and DH had a conversation that year and he said he doesn't want to do Christmas with our kids as it will trigger his trauma and remind him of the childhood joy he missed out on. He also wants the kids to be completely atheist and have nothing to do with religion. I accepted that.

But DD is now 4, and in pre-school, and the pre-school is making a huge deal out of Christmas coming up soon. I find this problematic because obviously it causes issues for families like mine but we're in a small town with not much cultural diversity so I think they've assumed all of the kids will be celebrating at home. They absolutely haven't considered some families might not be celebrating Christmas and I've debated raising a complaint, but that's another thread. Naturally, the talk of a Christmas nativity, the kids being hyped up about an upcoming Christmas 'party' and general encouragement for the kids to talk about Christmas among themselves, has resulted in DD getting excited for Christmas.

I have told DH today that I don't think it's fair on the kids and that I don't think it's right to project his trauma on to the kids. To me it seems like a case of "I didn't get to have Christmas so why should my kids?". I do understand his trauma though. I tried to compromise saying we don't have to decorate the house but I am doing presents for the kids and me and the kids will go to my parents on the day to celebrate and he can stay at home. He says no, that he isn't comfortable with his kids having "that religious bullshit in their lives". I'm really annoyed with him.

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 16/12/2021 22:06

We're members of a religious minority and teach our kids that the story of Christmas is just a story. It doesn't fit in with our religion and pre-kids we didn't celebrate it all all.

But I've come to see it as part of our culture as Brits and, quite frankly, I've realised since having kids that the sparkly lights, merry songs and charity is lovely.

So now we have sparky lights and we're having a small celebration with family and friends, and giving the kids small gifts.

I think your husband needs to take a step back consider what is in his children's best interest, and work out how to deal with his own trauma in order to give them this.

Lipsandlashes · 16/12/2021 22:06

He’s a wanker. Sorry OP but he is utterly selfish.
My DH’s mum is a recovering alcoholic. As a result DH missed out on much of a happy childhood. His response when we had our own children was to heap double portions of joy on everything for them.

EsmeraldaFudge · 16/12/2021 22:06

I wouldn't tolerate this selfish fuckwittery

CombatBarbie · 16/12/2021 22:06

So he will be triggered by his own childhood traumas (is he actually getting help with this??) but is happy to more a less inflict the same on his own children?? 😳

For alot of people, mine included, Christmas is not about religion in any way. He needs help for his childhood.... Your children deserve to grow up like normal children (less those belonging to religions that don't celebrate it). I know Muslims who still enjoy Christmas and do presents and tree etc.

I would be going to my parents if I were you.

coconuthead · 16/12/2021 22:07

My god your poor, poor children. Why are you going along with this blatant bitterness and cruelty towards your kids?

You'll be lucky if your kids don't go completely NC as soon as they can.

Fudgein · 16/12/2021 22:07

Is it possible he just doesn't 'see' the magic in it? Rather than purposely taking it away from his children he doesnt realise how lovely it would be for them? nonetheless this is going to be a major issue going forward - although the fact you agreed initially makes it more complicated as he presumably thought you were on board. I would explain it is important to you that the children enjoy the festive season with their friends and he can either support that or you will go to your family alone with them.

legalseagull · 16/12/2021 22:07

Sorry but he's unbelievably cruel. YOU do Christmas. Don't leave your poor kids missing out because of his selfishness. He knows the effect it had on him but he's deliberately wanting to do the same to his kids? Fuck that.

Ebony69 · 16/12/2021 22:08

His childhood was clearly traumatic. I doubt his intention is to traumatise your DC . It sounds as if he’s perceiving the issue through particular lens ( unresolved trauma) which leaves him blinkered to the harm he is likely to cause your DC. He needs therapy

Georgeskitchen · 16/12/2021 22:08

What a complete arse he sounds. I would be serious considering giving him the Boot if he insists on making his children's lives so miserable

Deafdonkey · 16/12/2021 22:08

@DismantledKing

I think it's actually a case of subconsciously not being able to bear seeing them having Christmas and being happy when he didn't.

In which case, he’s a fucking monster.

To the point but I agree. I have done everything to undo the crap that I faced as a child.
CakesOfVersailles · 16/12/2021 22:09

Well if he thinks Christmas should be just another day to him, can you just take the kids to your parents' house for the day? He can stay home and ignore Christmas, you can tell the children "Daddy doesn't celebrate Christmas, we are going to Granny and Grandpa for Christmas Day."

Totalwasteofpaper · 16/12/2021 22:09

My sympathy would have run dry a while ago and weirdly I think this is a hill I would die on.
He is totally unreasonable.

He needs to go and get more therapy

If he can't adult - he needs to take himself off for a week at Christmas and stop ruining it or you need to take your kids to your parents and have magical and lovely Christmas'.

MerryMarigold · 16/12/2021 22:09

@theworldsgonefeckingmad

LTB

All he is doing is trying to give his children the same traumatic childhood he had, they will hate Christmas because of the bad memories of back to school everyone talking about it and they will be the only ones who haven't had a Christmas Sad

This. He is giving his children exactly the sane sad experience of missing out that has caused him so much trauma. How does he justify inflicting that on his own children? I just don't get it. Christmas has nothing to do with religion for most of the population.
sunnyandshare · 16/12/2021 22:10

If he didn't want to celebrate due to a religious stance I would say that is fine, but he's incredibly selfish in making it all about him and his trauma. He needs counselling and you should do whatever you want to allow your dc not to be affected by his childhood. Can you go off to your family and have a really nice day? He sounds as if he would ruin the day if you were at home.

BreatheAndFocus · 16/12/2021 22:10

Take your DC and celebrate Christmas with your family. Better still, get him to go away for December. Seriously, how can he be so selfish? If he has trauma, he needs to deal with that not inflict it on his children.

Christmas doesn’t have to be religious. Ours is focused on traditions and Santa and food and family and happiness.

PinkTonic · 16/12/2021 22:10

@DismantledKing

He’s fucking cruel, and you’re complicit for putting up with it to the extent that you have.
Yes. You’ve known at least since your first child was a baby and you’ve gone ahead and had two more. You’re both selfish and irresponsible.
hemhem · 16/12/2021 22:11

Our kids don't do anything religious at christmas at all, but the schools and nursery spend the entire month of December on various seasonal projects, crafts, learning songs, pantomime etc. Its just a fun way to pass a crappy month of dark days and cold nights!

I'm so sorry your DH is such a Scrooge. Maybe you should give him a copy of A Christmas Carol to read. He will inflict the same trauma about this time of year on his own kids. Can he see that?

Original poster
ohganggang · 16/12/2021 22:11

I think inside he is still that little boy who watched his classmates talking about Christmas with complete and utter terror thinking they were going to be murdered by God for it any day.

He won't get it dealt with.

OP posts:
Ebony69 · 16/12/2021 22:11

I meant to say it sounds as if it’s not only about his childhood but the rejection by his family. If he associates religion with his family I can see that it makes sense in a warped mind. In my view, it’s too easy to attribute peoples actions to malice. Things are usually less black and white

sunnyandshare · 16/12/2021 22:12

This reminds me of a girl in my class in early secondary school whose DF became a JW and used to actively try to sabotage Christmas day for them as children.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 16/12/2021 22:12

As an atheist who still gets a bit of anxiety going into a church, is it possible that he’s unable to let go of the fear that if his children celebrate Christmas they will be damned?

It may be hard for him to shake off the brainwashing of his childhood.

DismantledKing · 16/12/2021 22:13

@ohganggang

I think inside he is still that little boy who watched his classmates talking about Christmas with complete and utter terror thinking they were going to be murdered by God for it any day.

He won't get it dealt with.

Lots of us have had terrible trauma in our past, and yes as children. I have BPD due to early trauma. What I don’t do is treat my kids like shit due to that trauma. What he’s doing is absolutely unacceptable, and intensely cruel. Stop making excuses for him.
Inthewainscoting · 16/12/2021 22:13

Can he not celebrate the seasonal festival of Yuletide (as it were)?
I am getting on a bit and don't think people come back from the dead or anything.

However. We have 3 chocolate advent calendars (between 2 of us Grin). Decorations - fairy lights, evergreens, pine cones, candles, mistletoe, little deer and a light up house.
The tree will be going up soon.
Paper snowflakes on the window.

Not a fish, not a crucifix, not a manger, a shepherd, or a Wise Man to be seen.

Point being, the joys of decorating the house and celebrating the turn of the year and setting fire to stuff with gay abandon don't have to involve any supernatural beliefs or reference to them.

There's a lively exjw subreddit, you could see if they have any suggestions as to how to pitch the matter to him.

comfortablyfrumpy · 16/12/2021 22:14

I am as atheist as they come, but have still managed to "do" Christmas and make it fun for my kids.
Your DH is bring ridiculous and very unfair.

HeartsAndClubs · 16/12/2021 22:14

His childhood trauma is irrelevant here. Yes it’s all very sad and all but that’s for him to deal with,not you or his kids.

He’s using childhood trauma to abuse you and his children knowing that you will feel powerless to challenge it because he was traumatised. I don’t think so.

Apart from this how else does he project his own issues on to your children?

In the future I would tell him that Christmas is happening in your house whether he wants it or not. So he can either suck it up or fuck off. And personally I’d go out and buy the biggest tree and the most decorations I could find.

On the plus side, if you get shot of him at least you won’t have to share your kids at Christmas.