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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him speak to our son

95 replies

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 10:32

I met him in 2012 he just relocated to my town for job , he told me that he was single and he doesn't have any children. When I find out that I was pregnant he denied it saying he want nothing to do with me because he is married with kids . I was heartbroken. That was the last time I've seen or heard of him. I gave birth in 2013 to my son the best thing that ever happened to me . I have been taking care of him all alone and he has never bothered to contact me to know if the chikd existed or not. It wasn't until March this year that I have found his Facebook profile and I believe everyone deserved a second chance so I contacted him to tell him about our son. He emailed me back saying he would like to conduct a DNA test which I agreed. The result was positive he is the father . He had never bothered to speak to our son he calls sometimes after a month or two when he is our school and keep giving fake promises to call and speak to him which he never did. During October half term he promised to call like usual but he didn't call It seems like he is not interested on his son so it's better I put a stop to it than listening to his lies . I blocked him. Since I blocked him he created a new Facebook account to message me that he would like to speak to our son but I have been ignoring his messages because I know he will not speak to him. Or if he truly want to speak with him this time he might call him once then he will call again after month or two before calling him again. I don't want my son to be hurt . I am scared if they bond he will dissaper and reappear which will not help my son . It is better he had no contact with him . He is now threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him to speak to our son . He is not on the birth certificate and the Dna test was peace of mind. I want to know if the court will take him serious when he hasn't bothered to bond with his son since May we received the Dna results.

OP posts:

Marvellousmadness · 15/12/2021 12:56

Why on earth did you contact him?! Strange story really the whole thing

motheroftigers · 15/12/2021 12:57

He hasn't told his wife, he was bluffing so you didn't contact her.

He is not going to take you to court as he will have to pay court costs and child maintenance.

My niece did exactly the same as you with her son and his absent father , reached out to him after years of no contact, no maintenance and got the same shit back. He was more interested in talking to her than actually seeing his own son.

It really hard OP, as I know she feels such sadness that his dad doesn't want to know such an amazing child but no dad is better than a shit dad.

Send him the message off " Ok, if you want to take me to court do it' and block him. You need to protect your son from this asshole

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 12:58

I have all the copies of call log , messenger and text message even though most of the proof were via phone call which I can't provide but I thnk the one I have will be enough

OP posts:

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 13:01

The reason why I contacted him is because I believe every child deserve to know his father also everyone deserve a second chance so I wanted to give him a chance to build a relationship with his son. Sometimes I feel sad when my son talks about he wish he had a dad , he wish his dad could take him to school and to football clubs like he's friends dad's does so I thought why not to allow him have a relationship with his father even tough he will not take hm to school or football because if the distance but at least a phone call , video call and meeting once in a while would have make a lot of difference.

OP posts:

Mamamia344 · 15/12/2021 13:02

He won't take you to court.

I spent so many nights worrying about my boys and threats from their father. None of it ever amounted to anything.

He has one loving parent which is more than many children, try not to worry about his idle threats x

MintJulia · 15/12/2021 13:04

Tell him to go ahead.

He would need to apply to be added to the birth certificate before he has any rights at all. And he won't do that because it leaves a paper trail that he cannot deny to his wife.

The court would expect the same, and would be interested in how many times he has promised to call and hasn't. Just block him. He's enjoying messing with your head.

Skeumorph · 15/12/2021 13:04

Hang on everybody.

OP wants her son to have a relationship with his father!

She has nothing to lose by going to court. He gets overnights? Great! His father can actually step up, start a relationship with his siblings. OP would then possibly agree that she should claim maintenance. All good!

By contrast, the father:

lied about being married with children
denied and ran when found out OP was pregnant
made no attempt at contact
first thing he does when found is insist on DNA test, and makes it difficult for OP to get there etc. - presumably hoping a. she'd drop it or b. it would prove he wasn't his son (Note: at this point he presuambly thinks it's too dangerous to ignore her - she could contact his wife)

-we have no proof he's told his wife - he probably hasn't

DNA is established then he promises to start calls, contact but doesn't maintain it
the only 'wants contact' action he takes is to threaten OP when she takes control and tells him he can't. So - not about wanting contact, all about not liking not being in the driving seat - petulant, silly, controlling. But still not really about being in contact.

You think this guy is going to spend ££££ to get the contact OP has been trying to get him to have?

Maybe, and if so great. OP wins.

Probably not when he sees that it will cost. OP wins again, as she doesn't want him to bother unless he's committed.

OP has nothing to fear from court.

LostForIdeas · 15/12/2021 13:07

@HeddaGarbled

You need to have a really good think about what’s best for your son. It seems like you were chasing and chasing his father to be in his life, but now he’s expressed an interest, you’ve changed your mind?

I do understand your concerns about him being unreliable and letting your son down. But I also think your son has the right to have at least met his father, even if it’s only once.

I think you need to read the OP's posts agian.

She never chased him again and again. Just let him know he is a dad.

After that, it's the father who did all the chasing AND letting the OP down. And you wonder why the OP has second thoughts after he has sown how unreliable he is??

monotonousmum · 15/12/2021 13:12

Keep a record of any interaction you've had- especially if there's any way he could delete it from his end (WhatsApp etc - not sure if fb messenger can do the same).
Then tell him to go ahead.
If he keeps going on, but not actually taking you to court tell him you'll report him for harassing you.
You've cut 'contact' (with yourself only) to protect your son, as it would only hurt him to be involved with someone who just needs never shows up.
But if he's serious, he can take you to court and try to arrange contact. He won't, but if he does ask for contact centre (there's no way court will expect you to hand over your child to a stranger). If he doesn't show up there then he won't ever get contact outside of the centre. That's my understanding anyway.

LostForIdeas · 15/12/2021 13:13

@Deborah0098, I think this guy is taking you for a ride, just like he did when yoou first met him. That's the nice version.

The not so nice is that he trying to control you in any ways he can. I very much doubt that his dwife knows about your ds. I diubt he has any intentions of ever seeing his ds on a reguklar basis. And i certaibkly dont believe he would be ready to start paying maintenance! Which really should go hand in hand with him going to courts to be able to see his ds.

I'd do exactly what you did and ignore him.
Keep a record of ll the times he said he would ring and contact you/speak to his ds and didn't.
I avctually doubt he woud ever do that, not the lest ecause his dwife might not appreciate the news + he would also have to pay some maintenance, even if it's a minimum amount. He would hate that.

WonderfulYou · 15/12/2021 13:14

You cannot stop him from seeing him.

Before it goes to court it will go to mediation and if that doesn’t work then it goes to court.
Mediation costs a fortune but you can refuse to pay it because you do not have the money (as he doesn’t help out). You can also refuse to go to one in his area.
However when you get there you need to show you are willing to co-operate else they will instantly take his side.

Make sure you tell them it was you that contacted him and you that travelled to get the DNA test done.

Tell them you want a consistent phone calls - eg Mondays at 6pm. As he has let him done too many times.
If he doesn’t do this after mediation and it ends up going to court then you’ll have that in your favour.

I would be very careful if you get him to pay for any maintenance as this will look good of him during mediation so maybe wait until afterwards to claim it.

I know from experience that the more you try and put rules in place, the more they’ll try and break them and if you say you don’t want them to see them then all of a sudden they want to go to court and demand access.
It’s a power thing.

WonderfulYou · 15/12/2021 13:16

I agree with the PP too - keep a record of every time he said he’d ring and he didn’t.

When I went to mediation my DDs dad literally lied about everything and fortunately I had lots of evidence to prove he was lying.

whynotwhatknot · 15/12/2021 13:25

youre still entitled to maintenance even if he has 7 children-he can go to court and probably would get some sort of access but would have to travel

doent matter that he hasnt bothered for 8 years they will still give some sort of access

i wouldnt refuse mediation but if youre on a low income you could get some help-refusing doesnt look good if it gets to court they say you havent tried to engage

Cupcakeschocolate · 15/12/2021 14:01

Considering he doesn't know the child I hardly think he will be given over nights as a previous poster suggested.

Let him take you to court. I'm assuming he isn't on the birth certificate. Keep all logs and just wait and see. Worst case scenario he starts a relationship with your child. I don't think his wife knows either. He just doesn't want you contacting her.

If he couldn't be bothered to phone I would call his bluff, but don't contact him again. Don't tell your son or he will be dissappinted

saleorbouy · 15/12/2021 14:24

Has headed any financial contribution to your sons upbringing? Surely the court would be keen to hear his parental commitment on that front prior to him getting access.

Chachasha · 15/12/2021 14:30

I agree with others that he'd get some access but also that it seems highly unlikely he'll bother.

Chachasha · 15/12/2021 14:31

saleorbuy I don't think maintenance has any bearing on access as it's considered a basic right for the child to have a relationship with their parent. He doesn't have to earn it.

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 16:58

@saleorbouy

Has headed any financial contribution to your sons upbringing? Surely the court would be keen to hear his parental commitment on that front prior to him getting access.

Nope. Maintenance and contact are separate issues. There are many parents who see their kids but don't pay CM because it's seen as better than kids not seeing willing parent and no CM.

CombatBarbie · 16/12/2021 21:29

Forget about him and his threats.... He won't go through with court. Get a claim in with CMS, this does not give him any rights but is his legal requirement. Contact and maintenance are two entirely different things. Even if you get a measly amount because he has 7 others then it's better than nothing. Even if you don't need the money, save it for your sons future.

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 17/12/2021 08:19

Thank you I will apply for child maintenance in January.

OP posts:

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