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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him speak to our son

95 replies

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 10:32

I met him in 2012 he just relocated to my town for job , he told me that he was single and he doesn't have any children. When I find out that I was pregnant he denied it saying he want nothing to do with me because he is married with kids . I was heartbroken. That was the last time I've seen or heard of him. I gave birth in 2013 to my son the best thing that ever happened to me . I have been taking care of him all alone and he has never bothered to contact me to know if the chikd existed or not. It wasn't until March this year that I have found his Facebook profile and I believe everyone deserved a second chance so I contacted him to tell him about our son. He emailed me back saying he would like to conduct a DNA test which I agreed. The result was positive he is the father . He had never bothered to speak to our son he calls sometimes after a month or two when he is our school and keep giving fake promises to call and speak to him which he never did. During October half term he promised to call like usual but he didn't call It seems like he is not interested on his son so it's better I put a stop to it than listening to his lies . I blocked him. Since I blocked him he created a new Facebook account to message me that he would like to speak to our son but I have been ignoring his messages because I know he will not speak to him. Or if he truly want to speak with him this time he might call him once then he will call again after month or two before calling him again. I don't want my son to be hurt . I am scared if they bond he will dissaper and reappear which will not help my son . It is better he had no contact with him . He is now threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him to speak to our son . He is not on the birth certificate and the Dna test was peace of mind. I want to know if the court will take him serious when he hasn't bothered to bond with his son since May we received the Dna results.

OP posts:

ImFree2doasiwant · 15/12/2021 11:48

Does he pay child maintenance?

astoundedgoat · 15/12/2021 11:49

@Deborah0098

He paid for the dna he choose the date and time without asking me first if I will He available or not . He sent me a text message with the time and date. I didn't want to argue so I have accepted to go all the way to Swindon to do it. He picked 10am so there was no way for us to reach there on time so we had to leave a day before so we could he be there on time.

Why did you do all that? You're making a rod for your own back.

Just message him one last time telling him that you are delighted he wants to formalise things by taking it to court, as that will be an excellent time to firm up his monthly contributions, which you estimate will be in the region of £800 a month (or whatever - I'm sure you can made an educated guess re. his income by checking his job on linkedin) and will be put to excellent use, but with that in mind, you will now only communicate through solicitors.

You'll never hear from him again.

But Jesus, stop accommodating him! He's an entitled, lying, cheating twat. Stop inviting that into your precious child's life!

AryaStarkWolf · 15/12/2021 11:51

@Abouttoblow

Tell him to go ahead. He won't.

This.

huuskymam · 15/12/2021 11:52

I'd reply the OK, let me know what date you're putting the forms in and I'll have my forms for 8 years of back maintenance ready. We can send them together, get everything sorted at once.

Not a hope in hell he'll go to court after 8 years. He's probably only showing forced interest because of his wife.

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 11:55

He doesn't pay child support and I haven't received any money from him. To be honest I didn't want any child support from him all I wanted from him is to have a good relationship with his son. He already has 7 children at home with his wife tought maybe if I apply for child maintenance I will not receive anything .

OP posts:

HeartsANdClubs · 15/12/2021 11:59

FFS people really aren’t helping the OP here.

There won’t be any back maintenance. And nobody here knows that the man won’t take the OP to court. We do know however that he was prepared to go through DNA testing to prove that the child is his. So whether people think he’s an arsehole or not he has shown a level of commitment to proving paternity at the very least.

The OP contacted him why? Could it be that her son has been asking questions and now she wants to be able to tell him that she contacted the man and he didn’t want to know but it’s backfired because actually he does want to know and wants to take her to court for contact?

I know of men who have found out years down the line that they have children and who have taken their ex’s to court and have won.In one case the child actually moved to be with the man in their teens.

We only have the OP’s say-so that he has been flaky, but the fact he has agreed to DNA testing and has asked for contact says differently.

jollygreenpea · 15/12/2021 12:01

I would start preparing for court.

You need as much evidence as possible, written is easier, text, email etc.

He has the excuse he hasn't paid maintenance, you took 8 years to confirm his son's existence.

He will be given contact.

He may not take you to court but it's far better to be ready.

You started this ball rolling when you got in touch with him, now you are going to see this through.

Zilla1 · 15/12/2021 12:04

We do know however that he was prepared to go through DNA testing to prove that the child is his.

HNRTT but for all we know, his intent might have been to disprove the child was his in response to the OP's reaching out. What the OP's posts arguably show is a desire for control. And tight-fisted ness. The OP hasn't mentioned an offer of child maintenance, just for the OP to do what she's told and to incur expense at his convenience.

wildseas · 15/12/2021 12:05

I would suggest to him that he writes a christmas card or letter to your son telling him a bit about himself and his life. That way if it arrives you can sit down and talk to your son about it and look at it together. You can give him a friends address if you don't want to give him yours.

If you don't tell your son its coming then he can't be let down, but if it does arrive it might be helpful for him in the future. Your son may well come to a time when he wants to know more about his dad and having something like a letter could help with that.

Also, incase it ever does come to court, you haven't said no but have instead suggested something which can be better for your son.

flashy44 · 15/12/2021 12:05

@girlmom21

Let him take you to court. Nobody's going to force contact with a prick like that.

You would be suprised,even with safe guarding issues the Family courts will tell you the dad can see the son,its like all the reports from mum caffcass teachers etc falls on deaf ears

luverlybubberly · 15/12/2021 12:06

If he applied to court, he'd have to pay to be added to the birth certificate before he could apply for contact. Then he'd probably get contact at a contact centre so he could get to know your son.

Is he likely to pay for this process? It sounds like he wouldn't but I don't know him

You can apply for Child Maintenance. You're unlikely to get much as he has so many kids but your son is entitled to something unless he's a Stay At Home Dad or something

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 15/12/2021 12:07

you took 8 years to confirm his son's existence.

Just want to quibble with that part. That's how so many men manage to walk away. A woman doesn't tell them the blindingly obvious. What actually happened was OP got pregnant, he knew, he ran. So he knew, he just stuck his fingers in his ears, closed his eyes and sang la la la la for 8 years.

Don't internalise this @Deborah0098 He knew you were pregnant. Whatever he assumed, or hoped, is his issue. He could have found you had he wanted to know his son, just as you found him.

Now, get ready for court. Because he just might.

Drinkingallthewine · 15/12/2021 12:10

You just wanted to what, punish this man? Fuck up his life because he lied to you? I don't believe you did it thinking he deserved a second chance.

The poster who said you poked the bear has it spot on.

You gave absolutely no thought to the feelings or the best interests of your son, who appears to have done just fine without a shithead dad so far.

His dad sounds like a fucking control freak and there you are handing him your son's well-being on a plate to toy with as and when he wants - and it's also a handy way of paying you back via your son for blowing his double life out of the water with his wife. You seriously think he cares anything for your son in all of this? He had all these years to give a shit from the moment you told him you were pregnant and didn't bother. Not like you sprang it on him out of the blue.

Your poor son. For his sake, do nothing. Let dickhead threaten and shout, get legal advice, and do not engage with this man directly, only through lawyers. With luck he'll lose interest and you can get on with your lives.

PrtScn · 15/12/2021 12:13

Say “sure take me to court, meanwhile shall I contact CMS at the same time?”. I’m sure he’ll eff off and leave you alone if he has to put his hand in his pocket.

Embracelife · 15/12/2021 12:16

@wildseas

Also, incase it ever does come to court, you haven't said no but have instead suggested something which can be better for your son.

Good idea Ds has a right to know who his dad is

thedefinitionofmadness · 15/12/2021 12:16

@Deborah0098

Why on god's earth did you agree to the test in the first place?

Fireflygal · 15/12/2021 12:16

OK, first...let him apply to court. The chances are he won't as it's expensive and if he won't travel to see your son I doubt he will apply to court.

However on the off chance he might apply to court consider the communication you have with him. Be formal and keep records.

Mediation would be the first step anyway. So it won't go straight to court - court is usually in the child's location so I imagine that won't suit him.

If it went to court I can't imagine he would get regular access initially. He would need to build a relationship which would start by calls. When your son reaches 11 or 12, it will be his choice how much contact he wants.

One benefit of contacting him is that you KNOW he will not be a good dad so you don't have to worry about regrets.

His is your son coping with this?

Shedmistress · 15/12/2021 12:19

He is not going to give you money and he is not going to take you to court.

Why you decided to contact him in the first place is beyond me, but you did.

Why not block his phone number and stop reacting to his messages?

It's like you are poking yourself in the eye and then wondering why you can't see properly.

jollygreenpea · 15/12/2021 12:39

you took 8 years to confirm his son's existence.

I don't disagree with this, I meant that the father will see it as a reason to be used if it goes to court and maintenance is brought up

Branleuse · 15/12/2021 12:41

let him take you to court. I dont think he will, and if he really does want to see your son, then at least let him prove himself by fighting for it. Hes fucked up too many times now. You dont have to hand him everything on a plate. I think youve been plenty good enough already

ClawedButler · 15/12/2021 12:41

Blimey, bit taken aback by some of the harsher comments.

This waste of oxygen didn't "agree" to the DNA test, he suggested it. This is probably not a sign of his commitment to the truth, and much more likely the classic shit man's response to finding he's got someone pregnant, "I bet it's not mine". He'll have told his wife that some mad woman is trying to trap him, and she's a slag who's slept with loads of men so the only way to find out is to have a DNA test.

And if he's always as crap and unreliable as he's been wrt contact recently, I cannot see how he would have the dedication, resources and drive to engage a solicitor, build a case, get to court, insist on regular contact and then actually go through with this regular contact. But if he does, it is much more likely to do you a favour than him - he's that thick, he can't see that he'd be paying a solicitor and persuading a judge to order him to do more for his son than he is doing.

TheCreamCaker · 15/12/2021 12:46

No court would take any notice of him. He's not on the birth certificate, he hasn't acknowledged your son, until you traced him. He hasn't paid anything, not provided anything - in short, he's no bloody good. You've had a lucky escape from such a waster. Let him do what he wants I'd have told him to fuck right off

NativityDreaming · 15/12/2021 12:52

Keep copies, electronic and printed, of any communication you have with him. Including the DNA results and texts he sent as well as receipts from your expenses. Keep all emails and texts for the times he said he would call.

I think you should file with CMS for child maintenance, even if the amount is nil it shows you tried to do something in your son’s benefit. If you are awarded anything put it into an account for your son, in your son’s name as it is his money.

Get legal advice. If you cannot afford it the Women’s Aid usually has a clinic where lawyers volunteer time, usually 30 minutes to provide direction. Harassment/threats from an ex qualify. If WA makes you uncomfortable then Citizen’s Advice can do the same.

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 12:53

Thank you everyone . I will message him and him to go ahead with the court , as long as he will be the one spending money for it but I doubt he will do it until the end becayse if he hasn't spent £1 on his son and I don't think he will have to waste so much money for court but any decision he take I am always prepare. Thanks once again

OP posts:

HalzTangz · 15/12/2021 12:55

Unless he's told his wife he cheated and has another kid he won't take it court and she'll find out.

Personally I would call his bluff. Make a list of all the times he arranged to call but didn't. And a list of the times he called and how long the call lasted.

Once the court sees he's not reliable its unlikely they will award in his favour.

If they did, he's then got to make those calls with no excuses or you can take him court for not keeping up with the order

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