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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him speak to our son

95 replies

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 10:32

I met him in 2012 he just relocated to my town for job , he told me that he was single and he doesn't have any children. When I find out that I was pregnant he denied it saying he want nothing to do with me because he is married with kids . I was heartbroken. That was the last time I've seen or heard of him. I gave birth in 2013 to my son the best thing that ever happened to me . I have been taking care of him all alone and he has never bothered to contact me to know if the chikd existed or not. It wasn't until March this year that I have found his Facebook profile and I believe everyone deserved a second chance so I contacted him to tell him about our son. He emailed me back saying he would like to conduct a DNA test which I agreed. The result was positive he is the father . He had never bothered to speak to our son he calls sometimes after a month or two when he is our school and keep giving fake promises to call and speak to him which he never did. During October half term he promised to call like usual but he didn't call It seems like he is not interested on his son so it's better I put a stop to it than listening to his lies . I blocked him. Since I blocked him he created a new Facebook account to message me that he would like to speak to our son but I have been ignoring his messages because I know he will not speak to him. Or if he truly want to speak with him this time he might call him once then he will call again after month or two before calling him again. I don't want my son to be hurt . I am scared if they bond he will dissaper and reappear which will not help my son . It is better he had no contact with him . He is now threatening to take me to court if I don't allow him to speak to our son . He is not on the birth certificate and the Dna test was peace of mind. I want to know if the court will take him serious when he hasn't bothered to bond with his son since May we received the Dna results.

OP posts:

Original poster

Deborah0098 · 15/12/2021 11:04

He paid for the dna he choose the date and time without asking me first if I will He available or not . He sent me a text message with the time and date. I didn't want to argue so I have accepted to go all the way to Swindon to do it. He picked 10am so there was no way for us to reach there on time so we had to leave a day before so we could he be there on time.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2021 11:06

Do you have any communication in writing or is it all over the phone? If you’ve blocked him and have no written information about him being extremely flaky, he will try to use that against you. So I would start a trail. He sounds like a controlling arsehole.

Aposterhasnoname · 15/12/2021 11:07

Tell him to crack on and you can sort out eight years of maintenance while you’re at it. He’ll soon vanish.

That said I do think you’ve opened a bit of a can of worms contacting him. My friend was in exactly this situation, and against all advice tried to get her sons father back in his life. He pissed about for a few months then vanished again. The consequences on her son of his father rejecting him all over again have been long lasting and not good at all.

GiltEdges · 15/12/2021 11:08

It wasn't until March this year that I have found his Facebook profile and I believe everyone deserved a second chance so I contacted him to tell him about our son.

🤦🏼‍♀️ you prodded the bear.

Unfortunately you do now have to live with the consequences of that decision and as his biological father, he has a right to request visitation with your son. However, if you're not comfortable coming to an arrangement with him privately, it will have to be left to a court to decide what's in the best interests of the child. In answer to your question though, yes they are likely to take his claim seriously.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 11:09

@maddening

I would reply to confirm that he rejected his son when he discovered you were pregnant and despite every effort to enable him to have a relationship for your son he has repeatedly let your son down to the point that it is negatively impacting your sons mental health and therefore you would only work with a court to ensure that any future contact is made with your sons best interest at the centre of that decision. If he wishes to go via the court you would welcome his proactive, well structured and committed input to your sons life for your son's benefit only, not his, but based on past behaviour you are not prepared to engage further in response to threats and will await court contact.

And you expect back payment on maintenance.

RedToothBrush · 15/12/2021 11:11

@Deborah0098

Control klaxon.

He made you do the running. He made your life difficult. Etcetera.

He wants to punish you. He will be toxic.

Lovelymincepies · 15/12/2021 11:14

You should have been claiming child maintenance for your son.

He isn’t bothering to call so I’ve not really understood why you blocked him tbh.

Children soon learn about feckless fathers. Let him call, do not travel to see him, if he wants to see your son then he puts the effort in. He won’t though.

Unfortunately your son is going to be hurt either way but don’t be the one stopping any form of contact as that will go against you.

Uninterested · 15/12/2021 11:20

I’m going against the grain here but I’d consider letting them talk. Your son is old enough to know his Dad is a flake and is unreliable etc. I’d talk to him about it and let him talk to his Dad if he wants. You just have to make it clear that his Dad can’t be trusted.

It might be that now your son is older and more ‘interesting’ to his Dad then his Dad might start to interact with him more often and your son might get something positive out of it. Also, once your son is older it might be easier for him to keep in touch with his Dad by social media. Phone calls with kids can be awkward and can end up being one sided and hard work. Interacting via social media is much more natural and easy. You could do a group chat and then your son could post a few photos. It depends what your end goal is. You have power to completely sever any change of your son having any relationship with his Dad or you could see what happens.

You just have to make sure your son understands his Dad is unreliable.

thatsallineed · 15/12/2021 11:23

Did he send you a copy of the results of the DNA test?

blacksax · 15/12/2021 11:24

Does your ds know who his father is?

Star81 · 15/12/2021 11:28

When you contacted him earlier in the year what were you hoping for by doing that ? Did you hope for contact between them or not ?

Unfortunately, now that you’ve contacted him and gone as far as a DNA test then yes he may go to court and may get contact. I would from now on only contact him through email so you have records of all correspondence.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2021 11:31

Let him take you to court, if he does get any access he will likely be told he has to travel to Manchester for contact, chances are he won’t turn up. It’s not as though they are going to give him regular contact when he lives so far away and refuses to travel. He hasn’t seen his sone for 8/9 years, hasn’t paid maintenance?, has let him down several times saying he will call. Let him take you to court but do also consider what contact you allow your son to have with his dad, maybe a phone call once a month wouldn’t hurt as long as he sticks to it? Maybe travelling to Swindon once a year would be doable?

I understand you are angry about what this guy has done to you (I would be too) but you don’t ever want your son to think that you stopped him having contact with his father?

SituationCritical · 15/12/2021 11:31

I'd bet my Christmas Bonus on him not taking you to court. This is a control thing, not him wanting to suddenly step up and be father of the year.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:34

Whilst he sounds deeply unpleasant

You do have to accept that he will absolutely be permitted by law to speak and see his son

So if i were you, I’d avoid court and structure the arrangement to suit you and your son. Because if you go to court, it will be taken out of your hands

RatherBeRiding · 15/12/2021 11:37

I doubt very much he will go to the expense of a court case, particularly as this will also provide the opportunity for child support financial claim against him!

I have to say, and don't mean this harshly, that knowing he was married with a family you should have left him alone - I really don't know what you were hoping to achieve.

Best thing now is NOT to respond to him at all and leave the ball in his court. He has no interest in your child. Ask yourself if continuing to be in touch with him is in your child's best interests.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:39

@RatherBeRiding

Read the op before casting judgement
He told her he was single. She didn’t know

HeartsAndClubs · 15/12/2021 11:40

So, you had a child by a married man who then disappeared as soon as you fell pregnant. So far, so predictable.

But then 8 years later you looked him up, and you messaged him to tell him he had a son, and now you’re refusing him contact? I understand that he’s being flaky as you say, but you were the one who wanted contact between them. If he goes to court he can easily say that you looked him up and are now refusing contact. It’s highly likely that a court would order contact, and then visitation, parental responsibility based on the DNA, and ultimately a level of contact.

And in truth you are the one who has kicked all of this off.

When you contacted him, surely you realised that doing so might mean he could e.g. eventually get eOW contact?

And no, at 8 the child’s wishes won’t be taken into account, A, because he never knew who his father was, and B, because it could be seen as parental alienation if he says he wants nothing to do with the man.

you have been incredibly naive here. No, he may not take you to court, but equally he might, especially if his wife is aware and wants to promote a relationship between him and his siblings.

And his siblings who are presumably older than him will one day know who and where he is and may wish to make contact independently when they’re all of an age to do that.

You need to see a solicitor IMO.

Skeumorph · 15/12/2021 11:40

Hahaha.

'That's fine, you go right ahead, let me know about court dates. I'm pleased to hear that, as you know I have absolutely no intention of letting you drift in and out of our son's life when it suits you. It will be great to have a fixed court order that will set out the terms of contact exactly, and will force you to keep to your promises at last.'

He's quite thick, isn't he? Sooo let's see - he doesn't want to call/contact on a regular agreed schedule unless it suits him, doesn't like the idea of you (the actual parent who lives with and does everything for the child!) being in control. So he threatens to pay lots of money to get a court order which will... errr... legally oblige him to call/contact on a regular agreed schedule

Bloody twat. Honestly, he has no idea what a court order is, and is throwing out the lovely sounding sentence 'I'll see you in court!' with zero understanding.

Wave him off to his expensive solicitor. It'll never happen, and if it does, it will be for your benefit.

Zilla1 · 15/12/2021 11:41

So he is a liar, tight-fisted and wants to control you and his son.

Unless you speak to her, don't believe his DW knows anything if the only evidence you have is his words. You cannot believe anything he says.

He almost certainly won't pay for court unless his frustration at not being able to control you exceeds his tight-fisted ness and he wants to risk his DW finding out if she doesn't know.

Keep records of his communications and the lack of contact at agreed times, the effort you went to concerning the DNA test and don't engage. Do seek child maintenance as your DC deserves it.

Good luck.

SocialConnection · 15/12/2021 11:42

Draw up an invoice for all the backdated child support he owes you

Seedandyarn · 15/12/2021 11:43

He has DNA proof he is the father he can easily have the Birth certificate by court order. You have allowed phone contact that will go in his favour too as it shows he has slowly been building up a relationship with your son your refusal will not be looked on favourably especially when you initiated the contact.
I suspect if he does take you to court he will end up with visitation.

He doesn't sound that proactive and is possibly lying about his wife knowing however if he went to far as to arrange a DNA test I would prepare yourself for a lawyers letter.

MorningStarling · 15/12/2021 11:43

Tell him you're happy for him to take you to court and are starting a child maintenance claim. If his wife doesn't find out about the court case she'll definitely wonder why his pay has suddenly decreased! If he wants to fuck you and your child around, you can fuck with him and his family.

HeartsAndClubs · 15/12/2021 11:46

It’s all very well people laughing it off and saying that he won’t take her to court.

But the fact is that some men will, and anyone who has been through the family courts will know it’s really not as simple as just laughing it off. Of course the hope is that he won’t take the OP to court, but nobody knows that for certain. And if he does, he will be awarded parental responsibility, will have a say in e.g. decisions regarding this child, will be awarded a likely increasing level of contact. That’s not a guess it’s a fact.

Oh and child maintenance isn’t backdated, so if he sees a solicitor they will tell him exactly that.

OP needs to hope that this is just an empty threat. But she needs to seek legal advice to prepare for the fact it might not be.

Seedandyarn · 15/12/2021 11:47

I find it odd that your motivation for tracking his down was 'everyone deserves a second chance' rather than your sons rights to know his father.
It makes me wonder if there is a bit of tit for tat going on.

Happy1982ish · 15/12/2021 11:47

@SocialConnection

Draw up an invoice for all the backdated child support he owes you

No point

It can be backdated from the date that the RP first contacted the maintenance service, otherwise no backdating

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