Two - nationality families

[Mufasa1118]

Does anyone else go through this?
My background - my mum is Irish and my Dad is English.
I was born in England. My parents divorced and I moved with my mum back to Ireland when I was 7. My parents had a bitter divorce and my mother hates my dad, and really all things English.

I was born in England and I feel English. I just live in Ireland now.

Anytime that I am with my mother, she insults the English. She will openly talk with hatred about English people, she just hates them.
This seems to come from her upbringing where as a child in Ireland she was taught by her Irish relatives to hate English people. And also comes from her hatred of my English father now too .

For example, I just visited her today. She went on a trip to Wales last year. I asked her how it was and she said "oh they hate the English there, sure the English took them over, like the English took Ireland and Scotland over". She will also say things like "the Irish are well liked around the world and the English aren't".

I just feel so deeply wounded every time I talk to her.
I, her daughter, was born in England! I'm English, and my own mother constantly tells me how much she hates the English. It really wounds me and affects my self esteem. I'm not sure how to deal with her. I've told her before it upsets me but she does it anyway. She is 73 and will just ramble on

I know the easiest answer is to cut her off. But I think I would feel too guilty to do that.

I'm just not sure how to deal with her. Any advice?

I'm sorry but you did. You didn't address any of the kind suggestions and preceded to spend ages going on about how colonialism isn't anything anyone should care about now.

I do feel for you. As I say, I've suffered this in a few countries. It isn't fun. I've had threats made to me (and carried pepper spray) in another country based on nationality.

But you seem to think it's everyone and everywhere. It simply isn't.

I felt like crying! This particular guy doesn't know i was born in england and I had to listen to insults about the English for three hours. And I also even felt too afraid to say that I was born in England myself.

I feel so incredibly frustrated at this.

Just say, "I was born in England, don't be a dick". He either tells you to fuck off or apologises. Job done.

I've done this when people insult Polish people. Stand up!

Where are you in Ireland? I'm mostly English and have lived in and around Longford for 10 years in the recent past. Have never ever heard anything like this. 100% this is mostly in your mind or just the very few people you speak to regularly. Get new friends and keep away from odd racist family.

She doesn’t hate you you are her daughter and you are also half Irish! The English totally fucked over the Irish and at 73 she saw a lot of that! I think you need to stop internalising it and recognise where she is coming from. I’d be pretty livid if my kids didn’t understand my politics. Patriotism isn’t a good look OP - don’t forget your Irish heritage, she’s not seeing you as fully English when she says this.

@lennon80 you said "the English fucked over the Irish".

Which English people, from which Era?

For example, instead of me saying "the Germans fucked over the Polish", it is more correct for me to say "the Nazi German party fucked over the Polish population between 1939 -1945".

So can you rephrase your quote. Please specify which English people.

I want to discourage talk of "the English fucked over the Irish"

MrsTerryPratchett only on mumsnet is dumping one’s own mother both easy and the right decision. The OP is clearly having a rough time and needs sympathy.

@stairway

MrsTerryPratchett only on mumsnet is dumping one’s own mother both easy and the right decision. The OP is clearly having a rough time and needs sympathy.

That wasn't the only suggestion. And had she stayed on that, rather than wanting people to forget their history, she would have had more support.

As I said much earlier, post as a worried and unhappy person needing support. Or post about colonialism and it's legacy. But you can't garner support for your position on colonialism by eliciting sympathy.

MrsTerryPratchett what was it that she said about colonisation that upset you? She said it was nothing to do with her which it true. Why are you being unkind to someone clearly struggling?

OP Erm let’s see you can go well further back let’s start at Cromwell, the Famine, Bloody Sunday massacre at Croke Park, long lost during the troubles even now over brexit still fucking them over so I’m not going to give a specific time period - too vast.

People can be as anti English as they want, but if they feel so strongly, they shouldn't be so hypocritical as to live here, use the good things that our society offers, such as free healthcare and education, marry English people or have children here. To do so and then bitch about us is both rude and damaging to their own kids. I have no respect for people who would deliberately hurt their own children and so their opinions are of no consequence to me.

OP - tell your mother to wind her neck in. She clearly thought England was just fine when she chose to live here and marry an English man and have a baby in England. Too late to get all sensitive about it now. Her disregard for your feelings is the reason to distance yourself- she's too bitter to put you first.

@stairway

MrsTerryPratchett what was it that she said about colonisation that upset you? She said it was nothing to do with her which it true. Why are you being unkind to someone clearly struggling?

I'm not arguing the whole thread again.

And we're just going around in circles.

The OP needs to manage her personal relationships as personal relationships and stop accepting crappy abuse, no matter the excuse. And move if she feels every single person is xenophobic.

@stairway thank you so much . That is very kind of you . It means a lot to me

MrsTerryPratchett says she has to care for her autistic brother so she can’t move yet. I don’t think she wants to dump her mother either.
My final thoughts OP before I go to bed. It seems that your mother and others who say these things in your your ear shot consider you to be Irish otherwise they wouldn’t say it. Most people aren’t intentionally cruel. There are exceptions obviously.

When you say other nationalities don’t get this hate well that might be true in Ireland but the world is full of hatreds like this. My husband is from a French colony and goes on about hating France all the time.

Most people in Ireland do not "hate" English people, they tend dislike the British establishment and British people in powerful positions. Thats not to say you don't get racist and xenophobes, Ireland has plenty of them just like anywhere.

I live in NI and work in a very Republican area with an English accent and nobody cares, nobody asks where in England I'm from or anything.

I've read parts of this thread. Love that conolisation came up pretty early! Mumsnet is an embarrassment sometimes.

Honestly op, your dh needs to sort himself out. My dh is from a different country. I wouldn't dream of putting his country down!! He loves England. I love Italy.

Love that conolisation came up pretty early!

It didn't come up at all. Colonialism did. And colonisation did.

Ah thankyou @MrsTerryPratchett I do sometimes get my letters confused. Luckily it was pretty obvious what I meant.