Two - nationality families

[Mufasa1118]

Does anyone else go through this?
My background - my mum is Irish and my Dad is English.
I was born in England. My parents divorced and I moved with my mum back to Ireland when I was 7. My parents had a bitter divorce and my mother hates my dad, and really all things English.

I was born in England and I feel English. I just live in Ireland now.

Anytime that I am with my mother, she insults the English. She will openly talk with hatred about English people, she just hates them.
This seems to come from her upbringing where as a child in Ireland she was taught by her Irish relatives to hate English people. And also comes from her hatred of my English father now too .

For example, I just visited her today. She went on a trip to Wales last year. I asked her how it was and she said "oh they hate the English there, sure the English took them over, like the English took Ireland and Scotland over". She will also say things like "the Irish are well liked around the world and the English aren't".

I just feel so deeply wounded every time I talk to her.
I, her daughter, was born in England! I'm English, and my own mother constantly tells me how much she hates the English. It really wounds me and affects my self esteem. I'm not sure how to deal with her. I've told her before it upsets me but she does it anyway. She is 73 and will just ramble on

I know the easiest answer is to cut her off. But I think I would feel too guilty to do that.

I'm just not sure how to deal with her. Any advice?

So you are half Irish and have lived in Ireland for 20+ years, but identify only with your English heritage?

That’s sad.

I get this constantly from my half sisters. Endlessly laughing at the Brits, how we're all so uneducated "on the island", how uncultured everyone is, how stupid our politicians are (yes, I agree!!), and the worst bit is that the only time they've even been here in their lives is to visit me for a few days - they only know what they've read in the papers. I try to meet them half-way on it, in the sense that I am also only half English and can see how a lot of things look to other countries and can see what bollocks journalists write about the UK. But sometimes I just turn around and tell them they're being incredibly narrow minded and prejudiced. It then stops for a few months.

He really doesn’t care, he only does this jokingly!

@madisonbridges My last comment was in reply to you!

I’m not anti English. I married an Englishman. I support the England football team.

Sorry, I misunderstood. You said he was more anti-English than you so I read that you were anti English and he even more so. But that makes me happy that you don't dislike the English because I used to live in Wales and made good friends there. You have a beautiful country.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo

He really doesn’t care, he only does this jokingly!

Oh, I see. Sorry. That's good. I thought he was ashamed of you being English. I've got to stop early morning reading! Haha.

Ugh all this anti-British/English thing really gets my goat. I get this a lot an a Brit in Ireland, its ingrained in the psyche here. Yet so many Irish choose to make their living in the UK. Where everyone is morally bankrupt and stupid. Anti Brit stuff runs through the media here and all life I’ve found. Sick of it, am trapped at the moment but waiting to escape. I miss the multi culturalism of the Uk. I have family that start the ‘800 years of oppression’ thing and I just get away and refuse to engage. Stop your mum ranting every single time op. Tell her you don’t want to hear it. Your mum is 73, if she can’t/won’t recognise what she’s doing, limit the time you spend with her.

You’re not alone op. Remind her that people are sadly risking their lives everyday to get into the Uk. It’s a great country.

Just say "boring, booooorrrrring...." everytime and just quietly mooch off somewhere else for a while. Anything else is a waste of effort. You will NEVER get the last word. It's rude but she's being rude too.

@LittleRoundRobin

Funny how some people find it so easy to be so massively insulting towards the English. The English get berated and slated and spoken about like they're shit, moreso than any other nationality.

Your mother is a disgrace @Mufasa1118 and I would go full-on 'no contact' if I were you.

I think it's just that you personally hear it more about Brits than you do people talking about any other country. It's traditional for there to be a rivalry verging enmity between neighbouring countries. For instance a lot of Burmese people have nothing good to say about Thais and vice versa. It's particularly strong when there is a history of war and colonisation and human nature being what it is there is always a history of war and colonisation.

And to be fair these things cut both ways. The Brits can be very unpleasant about the Irish/Welsh and French. (Not the Scots so much). My mum is Irish and my paternal grandmother constantly referred to her as a bog trotter or a papist. And that's what she said in my hearing!

@RobotValkyrie I'm guessing from your user name you also get the various "Auf der Insel" comments about the Brits. It's all so disappointing in both directions, just very glad my in-laws didn't vote for Brexit!

And to be fair these things cut both ways. The Brits can be very unpleasant about the Irish/Welsh and French. (Not the Scots so much).
The Welsh, Irish and Scots are equally Brits. Are they saying bad things about each other?
And to be fair, the French are fair game. 😉

I wasn’t aware of that, @madisonbridges, sounds worth a bit more reading. I thought it was quite established, like here in the west of Scotland how the history of poverty, industrial work, alcohol all part of intergenerational increased propensity towards heart disease for example.

And I thought things like coeliac disease being higher in Ireland related to the dietary norms and I would connect that to the impacts of abuse of the nations resources by Britain? Apologies if that is incorrect though, interested in other information about it.

Irish are Brits.....pardon?

@madisonbridges

I’m not anti English. I married an Englishman. I support the England football team.

Sorry, I misunderstood. You said he was more anti-English than you so I read that you were anti English and he even more so. But that makes me happy that you don't dislike the English because I used to live in Wales and made good friends there. You have a beautiful country.

No probs, I think England is a beautiful country too, we have always enjoyed our holidays there and have good English friends!

She married an English man despite being brought up to hate the English. Sure Jan.

I don't think its too hard really - yes people who do this "I don't like your nationality" in a personal way are basically being very rude, obviously. Individuals aren't a sort of bag carrier for their whole society and history.

There is lots of international rivalry and adverse comment between neighbouring countries - that seems normal. Doing it in a family context is just rude.

Re Ireland and England, the links between the two countries also diminish due to Brexit. One of the odder things about Brexit is that it will prompt a real change in Britain away from Europe in every sense. Give it ten years and our diversity of people here will be very different, and look a lot less European and whole lot more Anglo and Asian. Interesting times.

@trashypanda you said " So you are half Irish and have lived in Ireland for 20+ years, but identify only with your English heritage?

That’s sad."

Yes, I feel I am from where I was born. I have a friend here in Ireland, who was born in Australia and moved to Ireland at the age of 7. She still feels she is Australian. I have another friend here who moved to Ireland from England when she was 9, she still feels English.

A lot of our identity wrapped up in where we are born.

@Dontbekatty
You said
" Ugh all this anti-British/English thing really gets my goat. I get this a lot an a Brit in Ireland, its ingrained in the psyche here. Yet so many Irish choose to make their living in the UK. Where everyone is morally bankrupt and stupid. Anti Brit stuff runs through the media here and all life I’ve found. Sick of it, am trapped at the moment but waiting to escape. I miss the multi culturalism of the Uk. I have family that start the ‘800 years of oppression’ thing and I just get away and refuse to engage. Stop your mum ranting every single time op. Tell her you don’t want to hear it. Your mum is 73, if she can’t/won’t recognise what she’s doing, limit the time you spend with her.

You’re not alone op. Remind her that people are sadly risking their lives everyday to get into the Uk. It’s a great country."

I resonate with this post so much! You are Some one that really understands how I feel! Thank you for sharing that.

I think anyone who condemns an entire nationality for any reason is just not a great human being. It says more about them than the people they are judging - they must be full of frustrated anger.

Blaming anyone alive today for the following is ridiculous:

Germany: The Holocaust
Japan: Wartime atrocities
Russia: Stalin's genocide in the Ukraine
All European nations: Imperialism

Yes, they happened and they are appalling and need to be acknowledged, but when people say they 'hate' a certain nationality because of historical events - they are just wrong. No-one responsible for these events is still alive.

Funnily enough there's at least 250,000 people from the U.K. living happily in Ireland.

@JaneJeffer you said
"She married an English man despite being brought up to hate the English. Sure Jan."

Yes she did. Blind hatred and prejudice often dont make sense.

My mother will openly say that she hates all of the English, even though
She married an English man
Worked in England for 20 years
Had her children in England.

Here is one conversation that I had with her
Her "I hate English people they are all awful".
Me" But you worked in England for 20 years you must have liked some things about it".
Her: "yes but Irish people HAD to go and work in England, because English people kept Irish people poor".

Me " aghhh" at the never ending conversation.
Anyway I am not going to engage with her next time. I am just going to nod and smile and see she won't change and I will try to think of other things

@Heruka. I'm not a medical person but it's something to do with how the eggs in humans, maybe mammals, gets resets in the womb. I'm off out now but I'll try to attach some articles later.

OP, your mother just sounds bitter really as to how her life turned out. She is not happy, and try not to take on her angst yourself, its not entirely rational and you will feel all the worse for it. If its some passive aggressive remark against you, then limit the contact.

Sometimes its easier to say "I don't like X nationality" than say "I don't like my life and the mistakes I made". Sounds much like that really. Ireland is a good place, but perhaps its harder as a divorced woman or was at her time, and her life in England was hard; I agree with the posters that say you can't really escape your roots and upbringing, that's a fantasy.

@LexMitior thanks that is a nice post. :)

@janejeffer I know you are Irish.
What do you think about Anti - English sentiment in Ireland? I'd be interested to hear your opinion