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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you know any couples who have split over vaccination status.

202 replies

JudyGemstone · 14/12/2021 10:58

My partner and I both work in healthcare, although I have a client facing clinical role and he doesn’t (call centre).

I have had both vaccines and the booster, mainly as the NHS require it, I have no particular strong feelings around it either way.

My partner hasn’t had it and will not be, he does have strong feelings about it. This doesn’t bother me in itself, but it seems like our lives might become more separate/distant as things like travel/events etc are affected.

My mum was already making noises about not wanting him to come with us to my parents for Xmas, he has made other plans now anyway and I wouldn’t have supported my mum in excluding him but it made me think, if these sort of things keep happening/get worse I’m not sure how that’ll impact on our relationship.

Do you know of any couples who have split over vaccine differences?
Would you be willing to split with a partner over this?

Thanks

OP posts:
Chloemol · 14/12/2021 15:13

@Lasair

Why would your mum not want him to come without a vaccine? As the vaccine does g stop the spread your mum is being OTT. I don’t think you should leave a good relationship over this.
You know nothing about her mum, is she CEV?

Who in their right minds wants to get covid, mild or not? Mothers house, mothers rules and no she is not being OTT she is thinking about her own health

5keletor · 14/12/2021 15:17

No, others have a choice to get vaccinated or not, my partner has a right to that choice. We are both vaccinated, but I wouldn't bother, to be honest, if he wasn't. Unless he said he wasn't doing it for a very bizarre reason, like believing it's being used to track us, or something similar.
What would bother me more if he was one of the "people who don't get vaccinated are idiots" tribe, I find those people much more tedious.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/12/2021 15:21

I would find it hard to respect a partner who didn’t get the vaccine I think.

But then I’m happily single!

CatsArePeople · 14/12/2021 15:24

Vaccine hesitant, okay, I understand the fears there, but get reading, ask medical people about it
The problem is, "medical people" either can't give answers, or what they say, is not very reassuring.

It's all 'my body, my choice' (shamelessly stolen from the pro choice movement)
Because bodily autonomy is the bottom line really. While it only was about women and abortions, some people thought it doesn't concern them. This concerns everybody.

thing47 · 14/12/2021 15:30

It seems like he has much stronger views on it all than I do, so I guess it’s me who will have to do the compromising. It doesn’t affect my life day to day - yet.

And that's the point at which I would draw the line. I wouldn't kick DH out, but nor would I be doing any compromising with regard to my own lifestyle. I like going to gigs, theatre, cinema etc, and I like to travel. No way I would be giving up all of that when we are allowed to do it again. So if partner wasn't able to come with me, that would, I suspect, lead to us drifting apart as we wouldn't be sharing enough of the things which are an important part of my life.

CatsArePeople · 14/12/2021 15:33

No way I would be giving up all of that when we are allowed to do it again.

What if your partner suffers severe adverse reaction? All because you wanted him to go with you to a gig.

pointythings · 14/12/2021 15:37

I wouldn't consider it acceptable in a partner because it's a deliberate choice to risk causing greater worry in your loved one if you do get ill. Beyond just the COVID vaccination I would not go anywhere near anyone who was a full on antivaxxer for fear of issues around vaccinating any children born into the partnership.

The freedom argument is bullshit - nobody has unlimited freedom.

KeepApart · 14/12/2021 15:40

It very much depends I guess. If it was a partner of 10 years with genuine fears I could understand, a much shorter relationship with conspiracy theorist views then yes I would break up, because ultimately we are completely incompatible and I find that sort of thing very unattractive.

But honestly even if it was my husband I'd be pretty fucking annoyed if we couldn't go on holiday together or to a concert because he refused to have a 5 minute vaccine. And I'd want him to do some proper research, and again if he couldn't work out how to properly research his point of view then again it'd put me off him. One of the things that attracted me to Dh is he's very calmly intelligent and logical, and he's a careful thinker. If he turned out to be a bit of anti-vaxx knob it would change our relationship

Vaccines do reduce spread, they don't stop it but your risk of someone giving you covid if they come into your house is lower if they are vaccinated.

vagmons · 14/12/2021 15:40

Vaccination status is not ‘private medical information’. COVID is a public health issue. The clue is in the word PUBLIC. My behaviour impacts others in the PUBLIC - masking, socialising, and vaccinating.

If my DH were anti vax, I would seriously question his intelligence, ability to assess and mitigate risk, and his ability to be considerate towards others/society at large. All things I love about him. And as a couple living overseas, the ability to travel is crucial.

Saoirse82 · 14/12/2021 15:41

I wouldn't split with someone if they didn't want the vaccine for certain personal reasons but if they were an anti vaxx or covid is a hoax type they'd be out the door, I couldn't be with someone who is that pig ignorant and they're always the type to try and force their ridiculous conspiracy theories down everyone's throats. That for me would be a deal breaker.

KeepApart · 14/12/2021 15:46

You can say your body your choice and it's none of your business. But say if DP had a severe illness, and he chose not to get treatment, I would be incredibly upset and angry. Ultimately its his decision and I cant force him, but the partners feelings in that situation would be entirely valid. They are allowed to feel that way. Its up to DP to chose whether he wants to take them into consideration or not

So whilst yes you cant make him get a vaccine, and it's his choice that doesn't make your thoughts not valid. You are entitled to your opinion if it is someone you love and have chosen to spend your life with. It will affect you, especially if he gets covid

Chely · 14/12/2021 15:50

No. I'd see them as a bit pathetic if that was a sole reason for splitting.
I'd be pissed off with my mum if she did that tbh and wouldn't go myself.

Natty13 · 14/12/2021 15:57

@TooBigForMyBoots

She didn't drive drunk *@Natty13*, she was afraid.Sad She lost her husband, the children have lost their father and the whole family is devastated. Her most of all. There is no need to wish hell upon her, shes already there. Sad
And? If her husband was my patient I would do my job and support her through his death but I feel absolutely zero sympathy for her. And I can guarantee you that most of my colleagues feel this way.

You say she was scared? Of what? We have all seen the patients on the news struggling to breathe, some with holes in their lungs or inflammation of the heart. If the chance of her or her husband being in thst situation and dying scared/with no family there (which is a very real risk since we won't allow unvaccinated visitors in my unit) was a better option for her than taking a vaccine which was developed by experts and went through the same trials as every other new medication before release then more fool her.

BatshitBanshee · 14/12/2021 16:00

I'm double Vaxxed & boostered, as is DH. I would split with a partner who refused it because a) we clearly wouldn't share the same values and b) the logistics as you mentioned, travel, events etc.

And also I can't bear anti vaxxer fucking nonsense.

OMG12 · 14/12/2021 16:01

@Pedalpushers

I don't think seeing people with side effects is a particularly well thought out reason not to get vaccinated - as surely he should know the statistics on serious side effects vs the potential severity of covid for the unvaccinated. The risks aren't even comparable.

As a scientist in the healthcare and infection control sphere, I couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in vaccination, it is just too much of a clash with my own values. In this case however it seems you don't actually mind, you're more concerned about what others think? Tell them to mind their own bloody business and that someone's vaccination status is nothing to do with them.

What about the situation where a person suffered ongoing side effects from the initial jabs which the medical profession refuse to acknowledge could be related to the jabs (even though similar vaccinations have been documented to potentially cause those side effects). How should a person deal with that? Keep getting jabbed because their symptoms aren’t on a list or not get jabbed an risk being excluded from things? Because that’s the situation many are finding themselves in.
Katieandthekids · 14/12/2021 16:01

It's actually no ones business if he's been vaccinated or not. My husband is considering not getting the booster to stand up for freedom of choice etc. I am personally a bit annoyed as we have a young family and I need him to be as healthy as possible but no way would we break up over it. He also voted brexit and conservative in the last election. I voted remain and spoilt my ballot. You don't have to be completely in line with all this bullshit as long as your core values align.

OMG12 · 14/12/2021 16:07

And no I would respect my partner’s decision . I don’t expect him to think exactly like I do, I would question the health of any relationship which could not survive a difference of opinion and would not want to be with anyone do closed minded they couldn’t see different perspectives

Flowerlane · 14/12/2021 16:18

Know two close relatives one partner in each couple has had the vaccine the other against it. Not caused them any problems as they respect each other’s choice.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2021 16:18

I would not be in a relationship with a a hardcore antivaxxer because I wouldn't want to be with someone who was a) selfish and b) stupid.

If someone had genuine medical concerns or severe irrational fear of needles or something I would talk them round.

But not being prepared to put your extended family's safety first is absolutely a reasonable reason to split with someone IMO.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 14/12/2021 16:21

I'd make it clear to my mother that further attempts to interfere in my marriage would permanently sour relations between her and you. But you'll overlook it this once. It's Christmas, after all.

thing47 · 14/12/2021 16:22

@CatsArePeople

No way I would be giving up all of that when we are allowed to do it again.

What if your partner suffers severe adverse reaction? All because you wanted him to go with you to a gig.

I didn't say I wanted him to go, I said I wouldn't stop going myself. And I wouldn't. He would have the choice as to whether he came with me, and that choice might, in some instances, be dependent on whether he was vaccinated or not.

The (very remote) chance of an adverse reaction applies to all of us, at any time. Vaccination is never totally, absolutely risk-free.

TisTheSeasonToBeVegan · 14/12/2021 16:23

This reply has been deleted

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AmaryllisNightAndDay · 14/12/2021 16:28

For me it wouldn't quite be a dumping offence, or an exclude from Christmas offence unless I was shielding or trying to protect someone else who was very vulnerable. For me his decision is more of a Sister Michael "I think it's safe to say that we all lost a bit of respect for you there".

Incidentally his mum is clinically vulnerable and has also asked him the same questions, he will do an LFT before seeing her though, we all would.

That doesn't make it all right. LFTs are not that reliable. They are (at best) an "as well" not an "instead".

It seems like he has much stronger views on it all than I do, so I guess it’s me who will have to do the compromising. It doesn’t affect my life day to day - yet.

Doesn't work that way. You are as entitled to your mild views as he is to his strong ones. Either you both compromise and make allowances for each other or you will wake up one morning and find that you've lost touch with your own core beliefs because his are so much "stronger" than yours.

Just wondering if this might ultimately take us on different paths.

No-one but you knows that.

Natty13 · 14/12/2021 16:29

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Quotes deleted post

JuergenSchwarzwald · 14/12/2021 16:34

@CatsArePeople

No way I would be giving up all of that when we are allowed to do it again.

What if your partner suffers severe adverse reaction? All because you wanted him to go with you to a gig.

I'd hope that if the vaccine passport nonsense stayed in force for some time, there would be exemptions for those who suffered adverse reactions, or were likely to, so they wouldn't need to have it.
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