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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you know any couples who have split over vaccination status.

202 replies

JudyGemstone · 14/12/2021 10:58

My partner and I both work in healthcare, although I have a client facing clinical role and he doesn’t (call centre).

I have had both vaccines and the booster, mainly as the NHS require it, I have no particular strong feelings around it either way.

My partner hasn’t had it and will not be, he does have strong feelings about it. This doesn’t bother me in itself, but it seems like our lives might become more separate/distant as things like travel/events etc are affected.

My mum was already making noises about not wanting him to come with us to my parents for Xmas, he has made other plans now anyway and I wouldn’t have supported my mum in excluding him but it made me think, if these sort of things keep happening/get worse I’m not sure how that’ll impact on our relationship.

Do you know of any couples who have split over vaccine differences?
Would you be willing to split with a partner over this?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
JudyGemstone · 14/12/2021 12:39

@drspouse

I was told I couldn't bring my DCs to a garden party (in September, they are under 11) because they weren't vaccinated. I suspected it was an excuse (it was a mainly adult party) but the host assured me that in normal times she's had lots of children at her garden parties. I didn't fancy going on my own so I didn't go (and missed out on seeing a lot of people I hadn't seen for 2 years).
That’s a real shame, sorry that happened 😞
OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 14/12/2021 12:40

@Lasair

Why would your mum not want him to come without a vaccine? As the vaccine does g stop the spread your mum is being OTT. I don’t think you should leave a good relationship over this.
Having the vaccine then getting Covid lowers the viral load so you are less likely to pass it on
RestingPandaFace · 14/12/2021 12:41

It would depend upon n the reasons for not having it.

Someone with anxiety, needle phobia etc I could understand.
Someone who read the material digested it and came to a reasoned conclusion on balance of risks, I could kind of live with but it would be a red flag that they are very self-centred.
An avid anti-vacxxer who believes any old shit off the internet over peer reviewed scientific evidence I couldn’t live with as we would be fundamentally incompatible.

Pineapplewanderer · 14/12/2021 12:42

My thoughts would be if he was worried about the bad side effects enough to not be vaccinated, why was he ok with me being vaccinated and risking bad side effects?

TooBigForMyBoots · 14/12/2021 12:44

Not "split", but I know a man (40s) who held back having the vaccine because his wife was reluctant. He died in the summer.Sad His poor wife is seriously struggling and blames herself.SadSadSad

Justgivemeamoment · 14/12/2021 12:45

Yes I would have seen my DH very differently had he refused the vaccines but that alone probably wouldn't break us.

Don't know if you have or are planning to have children ? How about their vaccinations, is or would he be happy with them ? There are a lot of jabs in the first few years and as babies can't give their consent. Personally that would be deal breaker for me, I wouldn't want to have a family with someone who doesn't want to get our children vaccinated.

TisTheSeasonToBeVegan · 14/12/2021 12:49

People who enjoy travel and outings with their partner are superficial? That's an odd take.

I didn’t say that. Pre covid I enjoyed travel in the UK and went to a lot of concerts, and other things with my partner. We thoroughly enjoyed them and hope to do them again in the future. Nothing superficial about that and I didn’t say there was.

To break up a relationship because we can’t do those things, yes, I think there can’t be much to the relationship. Despite enjoying concerts, the theatre, travel previously, most of our time was spent at home. There’s a lot we can still do together and he’s my favourite person (along with our children) to spend time with. If everything else in life was gone, we’d be happy together in our house with our kids and dogs.

mumwon · 14/12/2021 12:49

if someone didn't or couldn't get vaccinated I think they MUST (& in fact vaxxed or not we should all do this) test themselves in front of you to get a negative rapid test before visiting friends & family who might be a bit vulnerable.
Its called caring about others & society - anything else is selfish

FreeBritnee · 14/12/2021 12:52

I don’t know about splitting up but I’ve heard quite a few stories of the male in the relationship becoming quite menacing over the female deciding to be vaccinated. If I was with someone who had well and truly fallen down the conspiracy rabbit hole then I’d imagine it would split is up.

TisTheSeasonToBeVegan · 14/12/2021 12:52

Not "split", but I know a man (40s) who held back having the vaccine because his wife was reluctant. He died in the summer.sad His poor wife is seriously struggling and blames herself.sadsadsad

That’s very sad. I would never expected my partner to make the same decision as me or to have hesitated because of my choice.

godmum56 · 14/12/2021 12:56

again I think it depends on the reasons behind the decision and whether the person's views and mine generally are in synch and have been for a considerable period of time.
Personally "I've seen loads of people with side effects" and bodlly autonomy are not reasons that I could agree with for refusing the vaccine in the current circumstances. So yes, I could see it ending a hypothetical relationship.
You could go and spend time with his family? Do you ever do that at christmas?

Lacedwithgrace · 14/12/2021 13:00

My sister is vaccinated, her boyfriend is a prepper, anti-vaxxer, thinks covid is a hoax kind of twat. He's never worn a mask, hates vaccinated people etc. When she had covid, he likely had it too but refused to test and still carried on as normal.

She has a plan to leave him after Christmas, and has a flat we're furnishing for her.

cringingalittlebit · 14/12/2021 13:02

For me, this would hands down be a reason to split up. I’m a doctor, I work in the COVID ICU and if my partner chose to not get vaccinated (obviously barring an actual medical contraindication) then that is their choice, but then it is also my choice for them to no longer be my partner.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 14/12/2021 13:03

As others have said, it has nothing to do with the decision and everything to do with the rationale.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 14/12/2021 13:03

@Lacedwithgrace

My sister is vaccinated, her boyfriend is a prepper, anti-vaxxer, thinks covid is a hoax kind of twat. He's never worn a mask, hates vaccinated people etc. When she had covid, he likely had it too but refused to test and still carried on as normal.

She has a plan to leave him after Christmas, and has a flat we're furnishing for her.

Wow how horrible of him. Does he know she's vaccinated? If so, what does he feel about it?

Thank god she's leaving him. He sounds like a very disrespectful person generally.

GeidiPrimes · 14/12/2021 13:06

That's a bit sad you don't care what anyone thinks including your own mum. Surely other people matter too, isn't that the whole point? It's not all about him, although he clearly thinks it is

This seems like a crazy reason to receive a medical procedure. We're not responsible for others feelings. Wtf?!

Bells3032 · 14/12/2021 13:07

I would split up but i am very pro the vaccine so it would be a deal breaker for me.

User9911 · 14/12/2021 13:09

I don’t think vaccine passports will/can be enforced for ever more. I think additional boosters etc will be required next year and the year after and the virus will be less severe as these mutations occur. As a result I don’t think the passports will be enforceable long term. It’ll required 3,4,5,10 vaccines to be considered “fully vaccinated” in the years to come. Therefore although there may be a temporary halt in activities I think long term their use will be less

Masterblasterjammin · 14/12/2021 13:14

I would break up with him. I’m a nurse in A&E, and I’ve seen too many people critically ill or dying now to have sympathy with people who won’t have the vaccine through choice. Unvaccinated people are definitely having an impact on the level of service that we can provide in our department.
So even if it doesn’t reduce transmission as much as first thought, your decision to get vaccinated definitely does impact upon other people.

There’s also the other side of things - travel is important to me, culture (festivals, theatre, concerts) is important to me. Those are things that I love sharing with my partner, and I would seriously re consider the relationship if we couldn’t do those things together.

JustALittleHelpPlease · 14/12/2021 13:16

Taking aside the reasons for the choice (which I don't think is actually your question) I do think that the consequences of the choice could make a relationship more challenging down the line.

Things like if you need a passport to go to a pub or restaurant meaning you can't do that together, like you mention, foreign travel could be counted out etc.

In the short term it would just be something you work round. If any of it were to become longer term though it could make life together more limited. I don't know if I'd seperate ultimately, I guess it would depend how this whole business develops?

tapeandglue · 14/12/2021 13:20

I'd split over this.

I used to think similar attitudes towards finance and religion were the only dealbreakers. These days, I'd update it to include 'and voted the same way over Brexit and has the same opinion towards Covid and vaccinations.'

I think they're all pretty fundamental beliefs. Whichever side you're on, you need to be the same amount of crazy or same amount of rational.

IWishIWasABaller · 14/12/2021 13:23

My friend has left her husband and pulled all the kids out of school over her beliefs Sad She is completely antivax and had surrounded herself with new friends who feel the same way. He husband has a customer facing job with vulnerable people and got the vaccine. She left him and took the kids to one of her new friends homes. She now spends her days attending protests, sharing shite on Facebook and homeschooling her kids in a group with other antivaxxers. There's no talking to her unfortunately

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 14/12/2021 13:26

No I wouldn't split over it.

I don't think I would be with a hard-core antivaxx. It would create too many problems when we had children etc. Declining one jab isn't the same thing though. If he believes it will turn him in to a zombie and lizard people then I could see why someone would think twice about staying around. Other than that let him crack on and everyone's obsession with someone's vaccine status, will soon die out.

HoboSexualOnslow · 14/12/2021 13:29

@Deliaskis

For me I think it would somewhat depend on the reasoning for not having it. Some scenarios would be easier to understand and live with than others. Ultimately, I do believe in free choice regarding vaccination, but I would not necessarily want to build a life with someone who refused it for bonkers or ignorant reasons, as much because it says a lot about their thinking and decision making generally, rather than particularly because they are not vaccinated.

Longer term, I do think reduced shared experiences would impact on the connection in a relationship, and that would then be a matter of choice for either party, whether they wanted to stay in the relationship or be with someone more 'like-minded' in terms of what they want to do with their lives.

Totally agree. Most of the anti vax people I have heard about are conspiracy theorists and extreme in their views.
Lacedwithgrace · 14/12/2021 13:31

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain He doesn't know, she's kept it all a secret and I look after her vaccine cards so he doesn't find them. The only time she brought up the vaccine with him he threatened her with some really nasty things so she's kept it all quiet. He was a lovely guy before covid, it's completely unexpected.