To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

@Darkpheonix

Some nuns and priests do have kids (from before they became Catholic).

They donr have kids that they raise single handedly that are conceived while they are nuns and priests. Or shouldn't. O am sure some have and the children have been hidden.

Nuns and priests dont have to have been celibate their whole lives. So again, your point is irrelevant.

The fact that this turned out to be religious in motivation, is very very odd indeed.

Where did I say this is religiously motivated?

The religion angle wasn’t brought up by me but I’m glad that person did.

Nuns and priests dont have to have been celibate their whole lives

Um… yes. I’m not arguing against this and I acknowledged it in my previous post where I mentioned that nuns and priests have kids from before they became nuns and priests.

@MabelsApron

You’re asking a controversial question because it’s kind of veering into the “who deserves to have children” type of conversation which is inappropriate and (for good reasons) highly controversial. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to elaborate on why this type of conversation is dangerous

I believe that children would be better served, on the whole, if every person wanting to bring one into this world asked whether or not doing so was in the child’s best interests, not whether or not it was what they deserved for themselves.

I am a child of abusive parents and I cannot have biological children. Both points influence my view that people need to have this “type” of conversation.

I can’t agree with you because me justifying why I want to have children will turn this thread into a very nasty “who deserves to have children” post.

I didn’t ask why you want to have children. I asked what the benefit would be to the child.

You may be right about nastiness given that this has somehow turned into a bunfight about Mary, Paul and nuns and priests. But it may be worth thinking about the question offline - “would this be a good environment to bring a child into?” should be the starting point for anyone considering having one, IMHO.

I think actually you should maybe try living in a nunnery for a while, you would get to practice living with other adults, compromising, turn taking, collective decision making it could be developmentally helpful for you.

I also agree any perspective parent really needs to think whether they should be one and if they should whether now is the right time.

When thinking about dc, we thought about timing, if we had another could we cope with disabilities, should we foster.
We had different answers for all these questions and not the ones we thought or perhaps hoped we might.

In the UK parents have responsibilities not rights.

Considering if you can meet your responsibilities is basic first step before having a baby.

I’m a single parent of two daughters - one with complex needs who is at a special school. It is not the dream you seem to be painting. I’m constantly exhausted, stressed, fed up and don’t get much sleep. Not sure where the sleep whenever you like comes into it 🤔

Everso

• Jesus's first miracle was at a WEDDING for heaven's sake. How does that suggest he disapproved of marriage?

• Look at Matthew 19. Jesus says that husbands and wives are joined in marriage by God:

"The proud religious law-keepers came to Jesus. They tried to trap Him by saying, “Does the Law say a man can divorce his wife for any reason?” 4 He said to them, “Have you not read that He Who made them in the first place made them man and woman? 5 It says, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will live with his wife. The two will become one.’ 6 So they are no longer two but one. Let no man divide what God has put together.”
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019%3A1-12&version=NLV

• Paul said that being unnmarried was best, because the unmarried could devote all their time to God. Married people had responsibilites TO EACH OTHER. He did not write only to people who were already married; he DIID sometimes advise marriage as the best way to live. "If someone with strong passions thinks that he is behaving badly towards his fiance'e and that things should take their due course, he should follow his desires. There is no sin in it; they should marry."

Paul also said that people all have different paths laid out for them by God. "I should still like everyone to be as I am myself; but everyone has his own gift from God, one this kind and the next something different."
www.catholic.org/bible/book.php?bible_chapter=7&id=53

• In my opinion - and the opinion of a very great many others - you are totally misinterpreting the passage about married sex. Here is just one example :

"3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.
4 Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
5 Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting - but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it."
www.biblestudytools.com/msg/1-corinthians/passage/?q=1+corinthians+7:3-5

Paul very rarely commented directly on Jesus's teaching.

Did you grow up with religious parents OP? Are/were your parents happily married? Do/did you have a good relationship with them?

I know you don't like the idea of therapy, but I think it's a good idea to talk to someone before having a baby. Becoming a parent is not all rainbows and it can raise thoughts and feelings that you thought were long in your past, and you start thinking about your own childhood and upbringing. If not therapy, then I would recommend looking at "the book you wish you parents had read". I found it very insightful.

@scottishnames

Everso

• Jesus's first miracle was at a WEDDING for heaven's sake. How does that suggest he disapproved of marriage?

• Look at Matthew 19. Jesus says that husbands and wives are joined in marriage by God:

"The proud religious law-keepers came to Jesus. They tried to trap Him by saying, “Does the Law say a man can divorce his wife for any reason?” 4 He said to them, “Have you not read that He Who made them in the first place made them man and woman? 5 It says, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will live with his wife. The two will become one.’ 6 So they are no longer two but one. Let no man divide what God has put together.”
www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2019%3A1-12&version=NLV

• Paul said that being unnmarried was best, because the unmarried could devote all their time to God. Married people had responsibilites TO EACH OTHER. He did not write only to people who were already married; he DIID sometimes advise marriage as the best way to live. "If someone with strong passions thinks that he is behaving badly towards his fiance'e and that things should take their due course, he should follow his desires. There is no sin in it; they should marry."

Paul also said that people all have different paths laid out for them by God. "I should still like everyone to be as I am myself; but everyone has his own gift from God, one this kind and the next something different."
www.catholic.org/bible/book.php?bible_chapter=7&id=53

• In my opinion - and the opinion of a very great many others - you are totally misinterpreting the passage about married sex. Here is just one example :

"3 The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality - the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.
4 Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
5 Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting - but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it."
www.biblestudytools.com/msg/1-corinthians/passage/?q=1+corinthians+7:3-5

Paul very rarely commented directly on Jesus's teaching.

I don’t think I said Jesus disapproved of marriage, more that he allowed it because it’s a man made thing and that it wasn’t a command or instruction.

Matthew 19 isn’t saying God told them to get married more that God didn’t stop them in the same way he allows IVF and creation of atomic bombs.

Married people are responsible to each other which is what I’ve been saying through this thread. Marriage is about having endless responsibilities to someone else and giving yourself over to them.

I don’t know how I’m misinterpreting married sex. Are people here really saying if their husband decided to go over seven months without wanting sex (no mental or physical health problem just didn’t want to) they’d 100% be fine with that? I don’t know why people are arguing you get to do whatever you want in a marriage or a relationship in general. If that’s true then why even get into one in the first place. Isn’t the whole point of getting into a relationship that you have someone who gets to do things you want with you?

@Wagamamasforlunch

Did you grow up with religious parents OP? Are/were your parents happily married? Do/did you have a good relationship with them?

I know you don't like the idea of therapy, but I think it's a good idea to talk to someone before having a baby. Becoming a parent is not all rainbows and it can raise thoughts and feelings that you thought were long in your past, and you start thinking about your own childhood and upbringing. If not therapy, then I would recommend looking at "the book you wish you parents had read". I found it very insightful.

I’m not answering personal questions and I know I don’t need therapy. It’s a bit concerning that so many of you think that someone needs therapy for not agreeing with you

I think pretty much everyone could benefit from therapy before becoming a parent.

Are people here really saying if their husband decided to go over seven months without wanting sex (no mental or physical health problem just didn’t want to) they’d 100% be fine with that?

Context is everything in relationships. It would be very out of character for my DH to do this so we would talk about it quite a lot.
It is the talking about things that makes things ok in our relationship.

Talking is also something that makes my relationships with my dc function.

They are all relationships and require conversation and compromises.

It’s funny if I had posted here asking for advice as a woman who had desperately wanted to have a man marry me so I could have kids and I was now considering going to the sperm bank to fulfil my dream of having my own family this thread would have taken a different turn.

Strange that a woman who fulfils her own destiny and isn’t sad or desperate is considered to have something wrong with her.

@Wagamamasforlunch

I think pretty much everyone could benefit from therapy before becoming a parent.

Being a parent will push buttons you didn't even know you owned. It pushes your own experience of being parented into brilliant sunlight, including any bits you had gently covered over. It exposes every personal flaw you have mercilessly.

Totally off topic of the thread but I'd just like to clarify on this point. I’m sure most Christians would say God created atomic bombs too
Ummm... no they wouldn't. At least none of the ones I know would. They are man made. Along with tons of other things.

There's also a school of thought that "virgin" is a mistranslation/the meaning has changed. It meant "young woman" much like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet was about 13. And she didn't "remain a virgin her whole life. Doesn't the bible mention Jesus' siblings?

Anyway. Back on topic. As I said posts and posts and posts ago. I'm a single parent. It's hard. So hard. But if that's what you want then go for it. I think you have a romanticised view of what it will be like. And a really skewed perception of what marriage is though.

@CiaoForDiNiaoSaur

Totally off topic of the thread but I'd just like to clarify on this point. I’m sure most Christians would say God created atomic bombs too Ummm... no they wouldn't. At least none of the ones I know would. They are man made. Along with tons of other things.

There's also a school of thought that "virgin" is a mistranslation/the meaning has changed. It meant "young woman" much like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet was about 13. And she didn't "remain a virgin her whole life. Doesn't the bible mention Jesus' siblings?

Anyway. Back on topic. As I said posts and posts and posts ago. I'm a single parent. It's hard. So hard. But if that's what you want then go for it. I think you have a romanticised view of what it will be like. And a really skewed perception of what marriage is though.

Your second paragraph: To clarify, I said Catholics and some other churches believe Mary died a virgin. I didn’t say all Christians believe that.

Your first paragraph: I was answering a question someone wrote - would Christians say God allowed the atomic bomb to be created.

Many people on this thread OP tried asking you your age because they said would give you different advice depending on that.

The bulk of the advice is around your odd views on relationships, not on the failings of single mothers.

Although some of your less informed ideas about single motherhood have been challenged.

What i find intresting is ur very focused on marriage with a child. There are lots of families out there that have parents in a relationship and children and not married. Its 2 different things. And suggestions of therapy isnt seen as therapy is avout fixing something thats broken its about exploring why we think the way we do and a lot of ur thoughts on marriage are very outdated or just only in bery unhealthy partnerships which obviously isnt the case for every single people out there who is married.

Putting aside historical and Biblical interpretations of marriage,I think there's something vital that you are missing.

Relationships and love is a really really enjoyable thing.
To have a partnership with someone who has your back, who will look out for your wellbeing (not out of a sense of duty, but of love). Someone who will bring you lemsip when you are ill, and bring you your dinner when you are busy. Who you laugh with like no one else, and whose hug makes you feel like home, wherever you are. Who even the thought of their kiss makes you smile.

I'm not married because I need to be or should be. I am married because I love someone so much, that to be apart from them is as inconceivable to me as parting with my own leg.

Single parenthood is undoubtedly better than being with someone that makes you miserable. Its probably better than being with someone you are indifferent to. But for someone who is your true parter, true equal, and that you love, there's nothing quite like bringing up a family together.

Its joyful.

I'm guessing you've never experienced love, but I urge you to give it a chance :-)

Also on point about making own decisions, when me and my husband decide things it isnt a one is right the other is wrong and one person decides the thing. Its about discussing all angles and deciding whats best for family. Maybe ill suggest something then hes suggest etc and we woke as a team.

@Eversograteful

It’s funny if I had posted here asking for advice as a woman who had desperately wanted to have a man marry me so I could have kids and I was now considering going to the sperm bank to fulfil my dream of having my own family this thread would have taken a different turn.

Strange that a woman who fulfils her own destiny and isn’t sad or desperate is considered to have something wrong with her.

I disagree. A great many comments have touched on the fact that you want to choose to be a single parent, and have questioned whether or not that’s the best thing for a child.

The others have honed in on the marriage point because you have very unusual and indeed unhealthy views about what a marriage is.

And for the record, I’m happily single, independent, rely on nobody but myself so I am that woman fulfilling her own destiny and not being sad about being by myself. I’d never tell that woman that there was something wrong with her, because she’s me!

But would I tell her that’s the best thing for a child to grow up in? No, probably not. Two different things.

It’s funny if I had posted here asking for advice as a woman who had desperately wanted to have a man marry me so I could have kids and I was now considering going to the sperm bank to fulfil my dream of having my own family this thread would have taken a different turn.

Strange that a woman who fulfils her own destiny and isn’t sad or desperate is considered to have something wrong with her.

I think it's because you seem very certain that marriage automatically = having to have sex that you don't want to have. It's an odd viewpoint to have and for others to understand. Yes there are definitely many abusive relationships out there where women are having sex when they don't want to (aka martial rape), but that doesn't mean that you would. If you don't want a sexual relationship at all then that's fine, but it's odd that you seem so fixed on the sexual side of marriage.

Oh, and lots of couples have "dry spells" of 7 months or more. On mumsnet people will tell you that if you go that long without sex then one of you is having an affair etc etc, but myself and quite a few of my friends have had longer spells than that, and are happy. There's more to a relationship than just sex.

@Wagamamasforlunch Yup. And couples who don’t have sex at all, out of choice (because they’re asexual, say, or just don’t enjoy that form of intimacy). There are so many ways for humans to be partners, it needn’t be the stereotype that you see in films or even the common set up that most threads on MN are based on. As long as both people are happy, you can do what you like!

Honestly you sound like an indoctrinated moron with no genuine experience of idea of how relationships of the world works.

You call yourself educated and then go on to espouse ridiculous and outdated generalities which are baseless and insulting to many many married women.

Consider carefully whether you think you are mature enough to bring children into the world

Tbh, I don't think there's anything wrong if you were to say that you either just don't want a partner, or haven't met one yet, and are considering using AI.

What is getting our backs up is your bizzare reasonings as to why single parenthood would be better and easier, and how you wouldn't want to be married because you'd have to have sex against your will. Your expectations of both single motherhood, and your expectations of a relationship are so completely far from most people's experiences as to seem ridiculous