To want to become a single mother by choice?

[Eversograteful]

I have made up my mind that I 100% do not want to get married. Ever. Even after kids.

My reasons:

• I’m well educated. So don’t need to rely on anyone else for income.
• I have savings and I’m saving up enough to buy a house and get a mortgage which will be 100% mine (then passed on to my kids later).
• I’m planning on living off my savings for maternity leave then returning to work after 6 months to one year.

My other, more emotional reasons for not wanting marriage:

• it’s patriarchal, marriage was designed by men to control woman’s sexuality (my opinion)
• I don’t like the idea of becoming a “Mrs” some else’s last name
• I find the idea of marriage in general sexist especially the part about changing your name
• I find weddings a mixture of boring (for everyone else), cringy (for me) and expensive and I’m not prepared to waste £20,000 on one day when I could be saving up for a house deposit with that
• I don’t like the idea of your entire identity being deleted forever and getting deleted for a man’s identity

I just don’t like anything about marriage, couldn’t care less about being protected and I don’t care about having to work by myself and for myself to build up wealth for my children. Honestly, I’d be quite prepared to become a single mother by choice as I feel it’d almost be easier as

• I could parent the way that I want
• I could sleep how I want and feel rested and relaxed during baby stage without being distracted by my husband and dealing with relationship issues
• I don’t want to deal with relationship problems, I want to parent + focus on my work and paying the bills
• I get to make parenting decisions by myself

Single mothers have spoken about how much easier it is not to consult anyone else and just do things

I don’t have kids of my own (yet) but I’ve been yearning for my own family (children only) since I was sixteen - I even have the names picked out!. Strangely I’ve always been turned off by marriage since I was a child (even though my parents are married). It’s only recently I’ve decided it’s something I definitely do not want.

AIBU for dreaming about having children on my own?

I don't really agree with some of the points you raised regarding the marriage/wedding. However I completely agree with you wanting to be a single mother by choice. I often wish I did this as since being separated I have enjoyed being a mother alone so much

Mary and Joseph were not married and Joseph was not the real father of Jesus and he is never referred to as such

Yes i know, I had a fully Catholic education.🙄

But he was still present with her. She wasn't alone. So it's no compatible to you. And it's not something the church advocates as their version of the right way.

You can't argue the bibles says 'don't get married' but then ignore their stance on children out of wedlock. Especially, based on the virgin birth of the messiah.

I’m sure Christians would agree that if God created everything, he also created the technology to artificially impregnate a woman.

Well, if this is a religious issue for you, ask your minister what they think.

Well this has taken a turn ....

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

@Twizbe

Well this has taken a turn ....

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy.

🤣

For the last year I have been a lone parent because my Children’s father hasn't been involved. After a lot of lawyer back and forth and a lot of stress he is back in the picture abd they are staying with him next week. I cried with relief. And I have parents who help out a LOT. Single parenthood is incredibly hard work. Yes, the day to day decisions are yours to make. But sometimes that is decidedly overwhelming. And sometimes the responsibility of being the only adult in the house is, frankly, terrifying. I have had to teach my 5 and 7 year old how to reach emergency help in case they can't wake me up. All done in a 'fun' appropriate way of course but it is something that has to be considered-if I have a medical emergency and become unconscious there are two children in the house who would be totally alone. That's a chilling thought.

I had covid last year and became incredibly ill. It was the most brutal thing I've ever experienced, trying to still make sure my kids were fed, clothed and just about looked after while I was inches away from being hospitalised. I caught it just after a Christmas and didn't return to work on a phased pattern until Feb. Probably because my recovery was so impacted by having to battle on for the kids.

I adore my children. I love my little gang. There are many moments of joy. But there's also a lot of loneliness too. I really miss out on being able to share funny sweet little moments that the kids have done with the one other person who has made them and who loves them as fiercely as I do. Grandparents are a good substitute but not quite the same.

I am desperate for another baby. Utterly yearning for one. They say you know when you're 'done' with having children and I definitely don't feel done. But even though I get pregnant very easily and could have a one night stand or sperm donor I absolutely will not do it on my own again. It's too hard. I don't recognise your descriptions of marriage or partnership when I look at my friends who are raising children together but I do recognise elements of my own abusive marriage in what you say. I don't think marriage or partnership is the issue, I think choosing the wrong person is.

Finances are hard as well. Whatever you think a child costs you can probably triple that. Your savings will disappear because there are always unexpected costs, always emergencies, always childcare that's needed last minute. When it comes to kids you can be frugal as possible but there are some things that you will just have to shell out for because there's no choice. I work full time and claim universal credit. I get by because my rent is low for the area thanks to living in a housing association property (that took forever to get, before that I was living with parents) and, sadly and horrifyingly, because I have a disabled child. His disability means that I get extra in my universal credit and that allows us to live with a bit of breathing space. I have no idea how people on the normal rates of UC do it because for us some months are tough. His disability doesn't make the parenting tougher than normal by the way and even if it did, don't dismiss that-you have no idea if you would give birth to a disabled child abd what impact that would have on you and your ability to work.

If you are super rich and can guarantee nannies and super reliable childcare and a definite unchangeable income then yes, it may we'll be feasible from a practical point of view. But if you are wanting to do it because of your views of marriage then I would urge you to really consider again because there are many different ways a marriage or partnership can work within a family and dismissing it all doesn't have to be the way to have children. Because it's wonderful to have them but it's also very very tough. I am still very regretful that my Children’s father is the one I chose because this isn't the way I would have had my family

Yes I need therapy because I don’t want to be in a relationship.

I love how women are required to be in a relationship or else they should sign up for therapy to get a therapist to force them into one.

You need therapy because you are unable to frame a relationship as anything other than borderline abusive, sexually coercive, and a burden on your life and will refuse to see any other point of view

And NO ONE forms those sorts of fervent views without something fairly awful having happened at some point, either directly or indirectly

You also have completely belligerent views about the notion of any sort of compromise for another adult but are willing to be totally subservient to your future hypothetical children - again, not normal or healthy, and almost certainly something you’ve arrived at after negative experiences, whether you’re aware of them or not

This isn’t just about whether or not you have any sort of romantic relationships in your future, but you absolutely will not be a good parent while you hold such fixed views about the value of other people, and while you hold such a high opinion of yourself and your ability to parent

And despite all your wonderful education, your career won’t amount to much if you go through your work life with such a superiority complex

Ironically, people who completely scoff at the idea of needing therapy are often the ones most in need of it and never have I seen that more true than with your posts

@SW1amp

Yes I need therapy because I don’t want to be in a relationship.

I love how women are required to be in a relationship or else they should sign up for therapy to get a therapist to force them into one.

You need therapy because you are unable to frame a relationship as anything other than borderline abusive, sexually coercive, and a burden on your life and will refuse to see any other point of view

And NO ONE forms those sorts of fervent views without something fairly awful having happened at some point, either directly or indirectly

You also have completely belligerent views about the notion of any sort of compromise for another adult but are willing to be totally subservient to your future hypothetical children - again, not normal or healthy, and almost certainly something you’ve arrived at after negative experiences, whether you’re aware of them or not

This isn’t just about whether or not you have any sort of romantic relationships in your future, but you absolutely will not be a good parent while you hold such fixed views about the value of other people, and while you hold such a high opinion of yourself and your ability to parent

And despite all your wonderful education, your career won’t amount to much if you go through your work life with such a superiority complex

Ironically, people who completely scoff at the idea of needing therapy are often the ones most in need of it and never have I seen that more true than with your posts

This post is so good it needs to appear twice.

@Darkpheonix

Mary and Joseph were not married and Joseph was not the real father of Jesus and he is never referred to as such

Yes i know, I had a fully Catholic education.🙄

But he was still present with her. She wasn't alone. So it's no compatible to you. And it's not something the church advocates as their version of the right way.

You can't argue the bibles says 'don't get married' but then ignore their stance on children out of wedlock. Especially, based on the virgin birth of the messiah.

Joseph may possibly have been present with her but Jesus never really acknowledges him. The only father he talks about is “Father in Heaven”.

It doesn’t matter what the Old Testament thinks about children born out of wedlock. The New Testament which Christians actually follow says nothing about it. It wouldn’t make sense because then it’d be condemning Jesus himself. The fact that Jesus himself was born out of wedlock says a lot

@SW1amp

Yes I need therapy because I don’t want to be in a relationship.

I love how women are required to be in a relationship or else they should sign up for therapy to get a therapist to force them into one.

You need therapy because you are unable to frame a relationship as anything other than borderline abusive, sexually coercive, and a burden on your life and will refuse to see any other point of view

And NO ONE forms those sorts of fervent views without something fairly awful having happened at some point, either directly or indirectly

You also have completely belligerent views about the notion of any sort of compromise for another adult but are willing to be totally subservient to your future hypothetical children - again, not normal or healthy, and almost certainly something you’ve arrived at after negative experiences, whether you’re aware of them or not

This isn’t just about whether or not you have any sort of romantic relationships in your future, but you absolutely will not be a good parent while you hold such fixed views about the value of other people, and while you hold such a high opinion of yourself and your ability to parent

And despite all your wonderful education, your career won’t amount to much if you go through your work life with such a superiority complex

Ironically, people who completely scoff at the idea of needing therapy are often the ones most in need of it and never have I seen that more true than with your posts

I actually dislike therapy being used as a stick to beat someone whose views you don’t agree with

It doesn’t really matter what other Christians think, fact of the matter remains that Jesus was born “artificially”, outside of marriage, to an unmarried woman, without a father on this earth. I’m sure Christians would agree that if God created everything, he also created the technology to artificially impregnate a woman.

So by that logic Christians are comfortable with atomic bombs, child abuse, rape, murder...all created by God? What even is a sin then?

And surely he was conceived spiritually not artificially...to save man from sin or whatever, not because Mary couldn't deal with getting poked by Joseph.

@MabelsApron

OP, what would the child be getting out of this?

Serious question. Not just “getting to be born” (they wouldn’t know any different if they weren’t) or “I think I’d be good at it”. You’d be bringing a child into a world where it was missing one parent. Anyone should, I think, be making the decision to reproduce based primarily on the best interests of the child. You’re already starting the child off at a disadvantage so the bar to justify this is higher.

I’ve seen 16 pages of discussion of why you want to do it but nothing on why you think this would be in the child’s best interests.

You’re asking a controversial question because it’s kind of veering into the “who deserves to have children” type of conversation which is inappropriate and (for good reasons) highly controversial. I’m pretty sure I don’t need to elaborate on why this type of conversation is dangerous

So you can add ‘therapy’ to the list of ‘things you fundamentally don’t understand’

Along with children, parenting, healthy relationships and career progression

I actually dislike therapy being used as a stick to beat someone whose views you don’t agree with

Good thing that's not even remotely what she did, then.

🍿

@SW1amp and Christianity

The fact that Jesus himself was born out of wedlock says a lot

No it doesn't. Jesus was conceived by a virgin and god. Actual god. The conception isn't repeated in the Bible. It's a unique set of circumstances.

I donr care about what the bible says tbh. You obviously do, which is odd given your stance.

For me, the issue isn't that you dont want to get married or planning a single parent life.

The issue is you seem total naive about the realities of having a career and being a single parent (I did it, so know its doable but immensely hard and means alot of compromising with other adults). You also don't seem to able to ever envisage a relationship that healthy and mutually beneficial.

That's the concern.

Though your picking and choosing which bits of the bible and religion you fancy seems fairly par for the course, when it comes to organised religion. But ots not relevant to most of us.

@U8976532

It doesn’t really matter what other Christians think, fact of the matter remains that Jesus was born “artificially”, outside of marriage, to an unmarried woman, without a father on this earth. I’m sure Christians would agree that if God created everything, he also created the technology to artificially impregnate a woman.

So by that logic Christians are comfortable with atomic bombs, child abuse, rape, murder...all created by God? What even is a sin then?

And surely he was conceived spiritually not artificially...to save man from sin or whatever, not because Mary couldn't deal with getting poked by Joseph.

Child abuse, rape and murder are technologies?

You asked me what the bible says about children born without a father.
I answered and told you the entire Christian religion was founded on a baby born without a father - to an unmarried woman so that tells you what the bible thinks of it.

You responded by telling me some Christians only want children to be born inside marriage (even though this is not stated anywhere in the New Testament of the bible that Christians follow)

I responded God made technology available to impregnate women artificially. You respond by telling me child abuse, rape and murder were also created by God so Christians must approve of it - even though those particular things are directly spoken against in the New Testament of the bible. So obviously they are not approved of.

The bible clearly thinks nothing special about a child being conceived within marriage as the most important figure in Christianity wasn’t.

People are saying you need therapy, because you have said that all husbands are rapists

No one cares that you don't want a relationship, just concerned about your strange view that all marriages include rape.

@Eversograteful I notice you left out me pointing out atomic bombs? So atomic bombs are all good because people designed and created them so ultimately God did?

@SW1amp

So you can add ‘therapy’ to the list of ‘things you fundamentally don’t understand’

Along with children, parenting, healthy relationships and career progression

You want me to go find a therapist who will get me to agree with you? Correct?

So that at the end of therapy I become convinced that marriage is a good thing. I should want to do things for my husband because I should love compromise for no reason and that I should want to have children if a man is present from help me. If I come out of therapy expressing such views, then that means the therapy has worked. Correct?

Also, I should come out of therapy believing I experienced something traumatic because otherwise I’d want to find a husband and spend my life compromising with him for eternity because that’s what normal people do? Am I right that this is what you believe the goal is for me?

[quote U8976532]@Eversograteful I notice you left out me pointing out atomic bombs? So atomic bombs are all good because people designed and created them so ultimately God did?[/quote]
If you’re referring to the point about God creating technology then yes I’m sure most Christians would say God created atomic bombs too. If people are using those things to murder other people then - the bible is already clear on what it believes about murder.

The more you post, the more you are coming across as an angry, narcissistic know it all

If your intention was to articulate a rounded and reasoned case for why you could side step the worst aspects of a 2-parent set up by going it alone while still giving a child a stable and fulfilling upbringing, you are failing more with each post

What gets clearer from each post is that you will not contemplate any sort of self examination, let alone constructive criticism, and it’s like watching a slow motion car crash

Clearly some damage has been done to you in the past.

For the love of god, don’t pass it on to another generation because you think it’s easier to pay a sperm donor than examine your life and views

[quote U8976532]@SW1amp and Christianity [/quote]
Explain to me which part of Christianity I don’t understand.

I only brought that up because someone started speaking about the Church of England and what it believes about marriage

@Darkpheonix

The fact that Jesus himself was born out of wedlock says a lot

No it doesn't. Jesus was conceived by a virgin and god. Actual god. The conception isn't repeated in the Bible. It's a unique set of circumstances.

I donr care about what the bible says tbh. You obviously do, which is odd given your stance.

For me, the issue isn't that you dont want to get married or planning a single parent life.

The issue is you seem total naive about the realities of having a career and being a single parent (I did it, so know its doable but immensely hard and means alot of compromising with other adults). You also don't seem to able to ever envisage a relationship that healthy and mutually beneficial.

That's the concern.

Though your picking and choosing which bits of the bible and religion you fancy seems fairly par for the course, when it comes to organised religion. But ots not relevant to most of us.

Which parts of the bible and religion am I picking and choosing?