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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
RealBecca · 14/12/2021 16:13

Id throw a sickie this year and say as shit as it was feeling crap you quite enjoyed yhe change of pace and thats what youll be doing next year.

Dont ruin your kids christmas for the aake of being polite. Their behaviour is poor and you need to sort it out either by talking to them or just making other plans (even if those plans are just not making plans with them).

They have every right to stay together making eachother misearble but you dont have to put up with it.

DappyApple · 14/12/2021 17:01

@Shortpoet

Be a bright and breezy broken record. Don’t apologise and don’t explain.

You: We’ve decided that we are have a quiet Christmas at home, no visitors, no lifts. We’ll see you on Boxing Day.

Them: what about us?

You: We’re looking forward to seeing you on boxing day.

Them: How could you do this. We’re so hurt/ angry/upset

You: I’m sorry you feel that way. We’ll see you boxing day

Them: Can’t you give us a lift anyway?

You: No sorry. We’ll see you on Boxing day

Them: You’re a dreadful ungrateful person / after everything we’ve done for you

You: I’m sorry you feel that way. We’ll see you boxing day.

Them: Why are you doing this?

You. Quiet Christmas. We’ll see you on Boxing Day

And so on…

Don’t try to explain or justify your decision. Don’t try to make them see it from your side (you won’t). They will feel how they feel. You can’t control that.

Yes I’d go with this, make your intentions totally crystal clear from the start. That way you don have the awkwardness of “you can still visit but only if your sober” conversation!
whynotwhatknot · 14/12/2021 17:01

i dont see why you have to spend xmas with people who just stress you out thats not what its meant to be about

you dont owe them your time

Ostagazuzulum · 14/12/2021 17:47

Preorder them a taxi for about 1-2 hours after they arrive at yours. Have a small pretend drink and say you can't get them home and the only time that taxi was free was that soon. Token effort, not staying long.

vodkacat · 14/12/2021 17:55

What about a little pretend need to isolate Christmas Day:-)

Cheeseplantboots · 14/12/2021 18:01

We made xmas day just us a few years back. We don’t go anywhere. Sil and her partner come for dinner and leave around 7pm. I hated having to go out and it was ruining Christmas every single year.

HairyPottyMouth · 14/12/2021 18:01

Arrange a quick visit to Sis on Christmas morning, then excuse yourselves to go make dinner. Tell the parents you want to enjoy the evening with the kids. We do this due to similar issues, but this year are having the family dinner at the parents house. Dreading it already.

GreatBigBeautifulTommorow · 14/12/2021 18:07

@Lima1 I had a childhood marred by alcohol too.

You are an adult. If you don’t want alcohol in your house tell them that Flowers

Howshouldibehave · 14/12/2021 18:13

Just say you aren’t going to your sister’s this year-you don’t want to be driving about in the evening and just want a quiet one-you’re looking forward to seeing them on Boxing Day.

ElleMac44 · 14/12/2021 18:32

Feign illness for this year, and next year tell them you enjoyed the break and relax this year, that you are doing the same again and you will host boxing day at yours for everyone.

cherubtastic · 14/12/2021 18:34

I feel your pain. I lived this for many years and it was awful. However my parents separated 2 years ago after nearly 50 years and I find it even worse! I now get both wanting to visit/me to visit them and as I don’t drink find myself driving round like a loon picking up/dropping off and getting very stressed out and my children not enjoying Christmas. So I’ve just said a blanket no for CD. I haven’t even extended the ‘make your own way here and home’ as can’t stand them when drunk so it wouldn’t be enjoyable. Don’t lie. Just say you are starting a new tradition this year as you are tired/enjoyed last year in lock down with just immediate family and want to continue it. Give yourself one day off with your children and DP. See your family on Boxing Day. You will feel lighter for it

cherish123 · 14/12/2021 18:35

Not sure you can ban them from drinking. Maybe say there isn't the option of a lift home and then they would have to drive. Seems a bit unfair DH had to drive them home when they are not even his parents.

Owl55 · 14/12/2021 18:43

Suggest you would like a change this year and you will visit them in their home to exchange gifts and then spend the rest of the day with your children and husband x

Loubilou09 · 14/12/2021 18:49

@sadpapercourtesan

How would they react if you told them that their drinking - and their behaviour when drinking - was a problem for you? Do they know it causes unpleasantness for everyone else? Do they not care?

If my adult child said that to me, I would be mortified, of course, but I would modify my behaviour, because I love my family and don't want to be the cause of a ruined Christmas for the people I love. If that isn't how your parents would respond, then you've got bigger problems than the drinking - there's also selfishness, denial and an utter lack of manners. In which case the answer is not to see them at Christmas. You matter too!

This!
Lovely13 · 14/12/2021 18:51

Be honest! Say it kindly but firmly that you are spending a relaxed happy Christmas Day with your children and husband. No driving involved!
See them next day. And in new year, an open conversation about how their drinking has a negative effect on you and your family. Good luck! They sound difficult.

Camembear · 14/12/2021 18:54

I would probably say we’re just having CD with the five of us, breaking from tradition.

They won’t understand it if you ask them not to drink or not to be unpleasant drunks. I sympathise because I have relatives who go fishing for arguments when drunk, people who do this don’t seem to realise how horrible it is for everyone else.

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 14/12/2021 18:59

I would make it clear you were having an alcohol free/stress free Xmas. Fk them.. if they can't behave that's their issue not yours. I had to tell my own mother she couldn't drink any more on Xmas day as she ruined several in a row and she's not even a drinker. It's just fucking selfish. I lost the plot with her one year when I'd spent days getting the house ready, a real fine dining dinner, spent a lot of money only for her to be drooling in her soup and she didn't even get to have dinner. She then caused a riot. I told her next day that was it. Other family members turned up hungover. I now do my own thing at Xmas.. if I can be arsed I'll spend it with family but gone are the days I please everyone else. And I enjoy a drink btw but not to the extent I'm causing a bad atmosphere! Stand up for yourself and your husband and kids.. these are good memories you want to create with your own family.. they're not young for long.. all your Christmas memories will be tainted with other folks selfish behaviour! Good luck ❤️ 🎄

SunshineCake1 · 14/12/2021 19:01

Tell everyone you just want a day at home with your immediate family.

Shell4429 · 14/12/2021 19:03

Just tell everyone you want a quiet Christmas with no guests! One thing I have learned over the years is that I spent too much time trying to please others. No more. Nobody thanks you for it. It’s your life, your family, your Christmas.

JudgeJ · 14/12/2021 19:04

@dementedpixie

Just tell them you'll see them on boxing day instead
We split things between Christmas and Boxing days, you seem to be ramming everything into the one day. It also means that the children don't get all their presents on the one day, they get some here too on Boxing day.
Mygirlruby · 14/12/2021 19:05

This is why I loved last Christmas when no-one could go anywhere. Why do people have to trail around just because it's what they've always done, especially with kids in tow? Is it any wonder so many women dread Christmas and usually have some sort of meltdown in the run up to it?

cansu · 14/12/2021 19:07

Why not just drop them off at home after the Christmas day meal? You are seeing them on Boxing day so why do they need to come over the evening before? I understand as my relatives drink too much and I am also on edge as they are often a bit tricky when drinking.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 14/12/2021 19:09

This is where lockdown is a good thing!! Have a day alone 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

scotvic · 14/12/2021 19:10

I also grew up in a household where there was too much alcohol and I know very well that ‘cat on hot coals’ feeling, waiting for the unpleasantness to start… I think you are quite right to try to protect your own little family. I agree with those who suggest announcing that you are simply staying home on CD (quote exhaustion, whatever) and inviting your parents for a different day instead. If they come for lunch you can control when they go home, by simply announcing ‘I think its home time now’ and making it clear that their lift is now (non negotiable) and hopefully get them off home before the day has stretched too long, and before they have drunk too much. Good luck!

Bertiebiscuit · 14/12/2021 19:14

YANBU - you need to talk this all through calmly now, with everyone involved so that you can get your very reasonable needs for a nice day met