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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Theredjellybean · 13/12/2021 17:14

Your poor sister... Her own kids, dh, and parents to deal with all day, then give more people at 5pm when she'd probably like to be sitting fown chilling at bit... I bet she breathes huge sigh of relief when you take parents off her hands at 7pm.
I was struck by the fact she deals with them every Christmas day... Why don't you speak to her.. Maybe she'd like you to host them for once?
You could limit alcohol in your house, and dh drive them home at 5pm then you'd have nice quiet evening

HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 17:14

I'd send this message: Hi everyone, just to let you know we're making other plans for Christmas Day. DH and I are both exhausted and just want to stay home for the day and have an early night. We've promised the kids we'll all get into our bed after tea and watch movies. We'll see you all on Boxing Day.

diddl · 13/12/2021 17:16

"First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house."

So don't.

Plenty of people spend the day with their spouse & children.

MadeOfStarStuff · 13/12/2021 17:17

Don’t make it about the drink, just say you want Christmas just you, DH and your kids this year. You won’t be going to your sisters or having guests at yours, and you won’t be proving lifts.

Let them make their own arrangements and don’t let them drag you into it.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 13/12/2021 17:23

I think it’s really sad that Christmas day isn’t a day when we can just really make it work for us. I don’t understand all the suggestions to make stuff up either. That’s more likely to cause confusion and just set you up for a repeat of the same thing next year.

Just be clear about what you want to do in your own minds first and then let your parents and sister know what you intend to do on Christmas Day. It’s not your job to help your sister communicate with your parents and it’s not your job to police whether your parents drink or not. Just enjoy CD with your DH and your DC - for crying out loud surely it’s the one day of the year when we don’t need to be pleasing other people!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 13/12/2021 17:23

StrawBeretMoose · 13/12/2021 17:26

@Lima1

Thanks guys, I think drink is so acceptable on CD that it seems mad to want to say no. But it brings back bad memories for me.

They don't get drunk but tipsy and inhibitions drop and the eye rolling, huffing, puffing, giving out under their breath starts. Also just even seeing them tipsy bothers me due to past history.

OP reading through your posts a few things strike me, but your last sentence here is enough. It brings back bad memories for you so presumably it is creating bad memories for your children. Not that you are not a good enough reason but you might find your resolve a bit stronger if you frane it that way in your mind. It's also so unfair on your DH who sounds like a good man so don't let your parents take the piss out of him.

You have your family unit.

If your parents can't stand each other, that's not your responsibility (nor is it your sister's). They have the option to have relationship counselling or divorce but if they don't do either then that's on them, they are adults (have seen similar dynamics in wider family).

Just say this year you're doing xyz at Christmas and spending the day just the five of you. Your parents have each other, even if your sister decides to do the same, with 5 children I would actually recommend that she does.
Once you've had that relaxed Christmas once you can say you loved it so much you want to do it again, before you know it your children will be all grown up etc.

Good luck!

dudsville · 13/12/2021 17:31

OP, I'd cancel the family stuff. I think someone said it up thread; you hate it, these are also your children's childhood Christmases. Cancel the family on the day, meet up with sister and family on boxing day, and see your folks.... perhaps nip over to the Christmas eve? Visit them at theirs?

Ariann · 13/12/2021 17:33

@forrestgreen

'Dear mum and dad, we've been talking to the kids about what they want to do on Christmas Day. They want to chill, and it just be us which is what we're going with. So we'll see you at x o'clock on Boxing Day. Have a fab day'

If they come back to you about it, ignore and say we'll see you Boxing Day. No point going over the things you hate

Absolutely pathetic - blaming the children and putting it on them instead of facing the problem head on. What about on Boxing day when Granny says to the kids - "Why didn't you want to see us on Christmas day"? THINK!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2021 17:35

You certainly can tell your parents (or anyone for that matter) that there will be no alcohol allowed in your home on CD. You can also say that they won't be allowed in or will have to leave if they are noticeably intoxicated or behaving badly. Why on earth would anyone think that you must allow drunken sniping or behaviour from anyone in your own home? That's ridiculous. And it's also ridiculous to be trying to think up excuses for why the 'routine' needs to change. Screw that, tell them the truth, that their drunken sniping and arguing makes the day a misery for you and it will no longer be tolerated. And yes, tell them there will be no rides given.

You can't control what they do at your sister's. But if they know ahead of time that you'll turn them away if they show up drunk or 'act up' maybe that will temper their behaviour (if not their drinking).

If they're that miserable with each other, what would happen if you suggested that they split up just for the day, one to your sister's and one to yours?

stalkersaga · 13/12/2021 17:40

Just tell them no. "No, you're not coming to ours for Christmas Day this year, because frankly you ruin it. We want to stay at home and have a peaceful day. It's not peaceful with you there. We'll see you on boxing Day."

If they can't stand each other it's not your fucking problem. Stop letting them ruin your children's Christmases too. You aren't seeing them this year, that's their own fault, end of story.

tocas · 13/12/2021 17:43

Fuck it, tell them the truth, its their fault you are on tenterhooks around them drunk anyway. Life's too short.

UniversalAunt · 13/12/2021 17:45

I’d prefer the family day stuff to be done on Christmas Eve with carriages by 5pm so that all the emotional grief & upset is processed before a relaxed Christmas Day.

Having a heavy family duty Boxing Day coming would weigh upon me on Christmas Day.

Go for a brisk change this year: no visitors or visiting on Christmas Day this year. End of. No lies or excuses, just a statement of fact.
After all, Omniwhatsit could mean no travel on the day, who knows what is round the corner.

Your parents may well kvetch & bicker as a long term habit, but the current Christmas Day schedule sounds long & arduous for them.
Maybe they’d like to have Christmas Day to themselves or see their friends, make minimal effort or out to the local pub/restaurant for a slap-up Christmas Day lunch?

Time for a rethink & refresh of what being together around Christmas Day really means & what does really work.

Nocutenamesleft · 13/12/2021 17:45

Me and my husband are completely teetotal!

I totally agree with you about the drinking. I don’t drink nor does my husband. Due to a past person who got violent when they got drunk so I completely understand where you’re coming from OP!

I’d explain they can’t drink in your house and you can’t be giving lifts. I’d say anything if it meant it didn’t happen. I don’t allow people to drink in my house. People really do understand. I’ve not had any complaints. But then most people I know. Knew the person who was violent. So that helps. As such.

AnnieSnap · 13/12/2021 17:45

I’m surprised that several posters have suggested that the OP lies, saying she and DH will be drinking, so can’t give lifts. That seems like a bizarre suggestion to me. a) people would usually provide their own transport to and from the home of someone they are visiting, so it’s not odd to expect that. b) It will already be known that they are non-drinkers!

To the OP, you are not being unreasonable. It’s only because excessive alcohol use is so normalised in our society that you even have to ask the question. Invite them and add ‘we don’t use alcohol at home. So we prefer no drinking, especially in front of the kids’. If they are not prepared to go along with that, they won’t come and you can have a lovely Christmas Day, just your own family.

EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 17:48

You are not being unreasonable. However, I would not tell them no alcohol as that seems to be a cherry on top of a shit sundae.

Have your dinner, go to sisters for two hours, see the parents, then when you leave drop them at their home and you go home by yourselves. Drop them coming back to yours entirely. It’s too long a day. I’d flat out say it’s too long of a day and you just want to relax by evening. Parents can then drink, play cards and watch TV in their own home.

If you’re feeling especially nice, offer a Boxing Day morning brisk walk in a park with them or something. But I think main message shouldn’t be that everything would be great if they didn’t drink, because it would still be shit. I’ve got heavy drinkers in my family, and trying to control them makes them into miserable bastards no one can stand.

Ellen888 · 13/12/2021 17:49

@dementedpixie

Just tell them you'll see them on boxing day instead

Exactly - sorted !

Fairylights25 · 13/12/2021 18:00

"We are having a quiet family Christmas this year, but would love to meet up on Boxing day for a morning walk or early lunch"

Somebodylikeyew · 13/12/2021 18:04

That sounds like a lot of family contact when you don’t enjoy their company!
Why don’t you and your sister alternate having them on Christmas Day /Boxing Day? Then you get to stay in your own home and have a day just you.

ilssagain · 13/12/2021 18:13

Don't tell lies.
Don't explain.
Don't make excuses.
Don't "not allow" them to drink alcohol. Just don't have them around at all.

Just a clear statement.
We've decided to make a change this year and we will be spending Christmas Day on our own from now on so this means we won't be hosting visitors and we won't be visiting others either.
We'll see you on Boxing Day for lunch (or whatever the arrangement is).

No follow up explanations if they start objecting. Just keep saying the same thing. We've decided...
That's it.
I know it's hard but why should your Christmas Day be horrible every year - rushing around, dealing with drunks, taxiing people around the place, no time to relax, kids don't get to relax in their own home with their own toys.
We had similar until I was about 15 when my mother eventually stopped all the travelling around the bloody countryside to stressful family parties etc, it was such blessed relief.

Fink · 13/12/2021 18:17

Surely if you stay you're staying home and they have to come to you then they won't be able to drink at yours anyway? If your husband doesn't drink and you rarely do, you presumably don't have alcohol in the house. So you don't have to have a difficult conversation about them not be allowed to drink, you just don't have drink available (assuming they don't bring their own). You still have to have the conversation about you'll be staying home and no lifts given, but be honest about that - it's a long day, you want to be able to relax. The alcohol is a different issue from the timings of the day and the ferrying people around.

StoneofDestiny · 13/12/2021 18:41

We've decided to make a change this year and we will be spending Christmas Day on our own from now on so this means we won't be hosting visitors and we won't be visiting others either.
We'll see you on Boxing Day for lunch (or whatever the arrangement is)

Exactly - no need for anything else to be said. You are putting your own family's need at the forefront.

Emerald5hamrock · 13/12/2021 18:46

7 to 11 is a very odd visiting time.

I'd invite them for late morning breakfast on CD before they visit your Dsis.

Itstheprinciple · 13/12/2021 18:46

Could you just go to you sisters but stay an extra hour or so and then drop your parents off on the way home so at least you get your evening and you don't have to deal with your parents at your house until late. Although I I think it might be time to share the load with your sister. Next year give your sister a break, have your parents over for lunch, that way they won't be too far gone, then you could take them to your sisters at 5pm and be done with them!

I couldn't cope with people in my house until 11pm on Christmas Day. I'm usually shattered and in my PJs surrounded by Baileys and cheese by 7:30pm!

EverdeRose · 13/12/2021 18:49

Just tell everyone you're having the full day st home and that you'll be having an early night.
Tell your parents that you won't be providing a lift...

It's not saying they can't drink, they could get a taxi, stay over with SiL or even book a nearby hotel.

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