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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow parents to drink alcohol on xmas day?

267 replies

Lima1 · 13/12/2021 14:31

I know it is my decision at the end of it but just wondering what people think as I am not sure if I am going too far.

We have always has issues with alcohol in my family. I married a man that doesn't drink and I rarely drink.

The routine for Christmas over the past few years is that myself, DH and kids (10,12 and 13) have dinner at home on our own. We go to my sister's house about 5pm for 2 hours (she lives 10 mins drive away). My parents have dinner in her house so when we leave my sister's we bring my parents back to our house for the evening and DH drives them home at 11pm (45 min round trip)

I am fed up with this arrangement and it doesn't suit us. First of all I hate having to leave my house at 5pm to go to sister's house. By that time we have cleared up after dinner and are just sitting down in front of the fire relaxing. I love going to my sister's normally but her house is chaos on Christmas day. Food everywhere, toys and wrapping paper everywhere. I am tired from a long day at this stage and don't be in form for it.

My parents will have been drinking during the day in her house so they cant drive. They come back to our house from about 7-11pm. It doesn't work as we are all in the one sitting room, the kids want to watch a movie and my parents keep talking over it. The kids go to bed about 9pm and my parents want to stay, having a drink, playing cards, watching tv. Myself and dh just want to chill and go to bed early as we have usually been up since 6am. Then DH has to drive them home.

My parents don't get on and with drink taken the tension gets worse, they make snippy comments to each other, argue about when to leave (dad always wants to go home early but mam complains that she doesn't want to go home to a cold house early on CD..)

They want to do the same again this year but I want to tell them that they are welcome to come over whenever they want but I am not leaving my house all day and I don't want anyone drinking alcohol.

They will have to make their own way over and home. Essentially this will mean that if they want to come to me they cant have been drinking beforehand (as will have to drive) and they cant drink in my house.
I have had many Christmases ruined as a child because of them fighting with drink. I literally start dreading CD from mid November as it is all geared around them, getting them to my house, entertaining them and getting them home.

To be fair to them I haven't told them before that it is a problem, I just silently seethed but I need to put a stop to it as it isn't fair on my family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 13/12/2021 18:53

You can say... neither of us are leaving the house. We're not doing any lifts. We're having an early night.

And mean it.

You can't tell them not to drink. What if they come over in a taxi and they've had a few?

tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 18:54

I think I will just say that I am finding the day too long each year - kids up early, etc. I only have 3 days off over christmas and am tired. I will say that they can come over in the morning/stay for dinner but I wont be going to my sister and will likely have an early night.

YANBU at all, after being up at 6am, cooking, keeping kids entertained, you are bloody well entitled to stay in your own home without two alcoholics ruining your Christmas.

Your approach of telling them they can come for dinner is good but think you will need to tell what time to leave as otherwise they will just bring enough alcohol for the whole day AND evening and you would still need to take them home.

End0fAnEraSecond2 · 13/12/2021 18:56

There are lots of options
One can drink
The other can drive
They can swap drinking/driving another day
Or they can pre book a taxi
Or stay at home

1967buglet · 13/12/2021 18:56

@thinkfast

That does sound hard work. Can you suggest an alternative which works for you instead? Would it work for you to invite them for lunch on Boxing Day? No need to serve alcohol with the lunch if you don't drink it. You could frame it as we'd really love to see you for a meal instead of just an evening - especially as we're so tired by Christmas Day evening.
This is a great idea.
violetbunny · 13/12/2021 18:59

Honestly OP, life is too short. Just tell them the arrangement doesn't work for you so you'll pop around to see them on Boxing Day instead so you can control when you leave.

Shortpoet · 13/12/2021 19:25

Be a bright and breezy broken record.
Don’t apologise and don’t explain.

You: We’ve decided that we are have a quiet Christmas at home, no visitors, no lifts. We’ll see you on Boxing Day.

Them: what about us?

You: We’re looking forward to seeing you on boxing day.

Them: How could you do this. We’re so hurt/ angry/upset

You: I’m sorry you feel that way. We’ll see you boxing day

Them: Can’t you give us a lift anyway?

You: No sorry. We’ll see you on Boxing day

Them: You’re a dreadful ungrateful person / after everything we’ve done for you

You: I’m sorry you feel that way. We’ll see you boxing day.

Them: Why are you doing this?

You. Quiet Christmas. We’ll see you on Boxing Day

And so on…

Don’t try to explain or justify your decision. Don’t try to make them see it from your side (you won’t). They will feel how they feel. You can’t control that.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 19:58

Love @Shortpoet's responses if you decide against not mention the drinking

ClaudiaJ1 · 13/12/2021 20:40

Are your parents married? Because if they can't stand each other I would assume they are divorced and simply spend the day together for your and your sister's sake.

Have you tried sitting down with your mum and having a heart to heart about how their arguments affect you? Maybe she needs to know that you dread the day because of her and your father.

hufflepuffnstuff · 13/12/2021 21:15

I don't actually see that it's impossible to ban alcohol in your own home! Maybe not the most comfortable thing to tell people or enforce, but "your house, your rules".

Few in my family are big drinkers, but even those who do drink don't tend to at family gatherings such as Christmas. I imagine that if they want a drink, they usually wait until the evening, in their own homes.

Anyway, I'd do as you plan, especially regarding your husband. He's not driving this year, final word. They can hire a lift home, if they must, but it's quite selfish for them to expect their SIL to drive them each and every Christmas, after a long day, just so they can drink!

UniversalAunt · 13/12/2021 21:34

By all means let it be known that your home is teetotal.
Be aware that determined boozers will tank up before they arrive/bring some with them/pop out for a fag & big gulp/leave early so that they can get a drink.

@Lima1 to answer your original question, you cannot completely stop your parents being under the influence of alcohol under your roof.That’s what they choose to do.

What you can do differently is for you to decide.

LobsterNapkin · 13/12/2021 21:45

I don't think the real issue is the alchohol, it's that you have a long day and what they want is just too late.

On the other hand, while I completely understand about not enjoying the chaos at your sister's house, for many people seeing family on Christmas day is the most important thing about it, and that may be true for your sister and parents. It sounds like your mum at least finds Christmas alone with your dad kind of lonely.

So I think the idea of an alternate arrangement that lets them come at a more reasonable time is good. I might just let the drinking thing go at this point, you may find that with an earlier end to the day it's not so annoying. You can always revisit it next year, but in general I think it's tricky to tell adults they can't drink what they want so long as they aren't behaving in a really drunk way, and when you yourselves are not totally abstinent. So I'd try and avoid it if possible.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 21:51

@hufflepuffnstuff

I don't actually see that it's impossible to ban alcohol in your own home! Maybe not the most comfortable thing to tell people or enforce, but "your house, your rules".

Few in my family are big drinkers, but even those who do drink don't tend to at family gatherings such as Christmas. I imagine that if they want a drink, they usually wait until the evening, in their own homes.

Anyway, I'd do as you plan, especially regarding your husband. He's not driving this year, final word. They can hire a lift home, if they must, but it's quite selfish for them to expect their SIL to drive them each and every Christmas, after a long day, just so they can drink!

Definitely possible to ban alcohol from your own home! I feel the same way about vegans banning meat.

But the worry would be they'd show up pissed. She could refuse to host them though if they've clearly been drinking.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2021 23:09

...you cannot completely stop your parents being under the influence of alcohol under your roof.

You certainly can. You can refuse them admittance or ask them to leave as the case may be.

But the worry would be they'd show up pissed. She could refuse to host them though if they've clearly been drinking.

That's exactly what you do.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, sober 6 years, thank God. He was told that he was not allowed to bring or drink alcohol in my house and that he was never to come to my house drunk. If he did, he was shown the door.

Why on earth do people think that we have to put up with drunken antics or behavior in our homes? I don't care who it is, if they can disrespect me and my home then they can take the consequences.

Babyghirl · 13/12/2021 23:43

@Lima1
Im against people saying you can't ban them from drinking, well else where u can't but you can in your own home, tell them if they come there's no drink in your home if they don't like it tough to go on home after your sisters and drink away.

user1481840227 · 14/12/2021 00:12

You can ask them not to drink and they can say no, so you don't host them...but you can't ban them from drinking. They're adults!

Well technically you can, if they come over and start drinking then you can make them leave!
But really the people saying you can't ban them from drinking were implying that you can't even ask that of people, and you absolutely can!

I don't think the real issue is the alchohol, it's that you have a long day and what they want is just too late.

The OP has already clarified that it IS about the drink too. Perfectly normal and natural to be triggered by it if past experiences haven't been good.
My ex was a problem drinker and although we generally get on great now and he'll be over on Christmas to see the kids there's no way I'd let him drink here, no way. I'd be massively triggered and it would ruin the day!

tootyfruitypickle · 14/12/2021 00:40

Explain you want a quiet Christmas at home. It's just me and dd and I did this probably offending various family by saying we didn't want to go to their houses but we love it and do exactly what we like , it's perfect. I hated driving around Xmas day

Soffana · 14/12/2021 09:24

I don't understand why everyone says you can't stop them from drinking.

Drinking is not a human right.

If you don't want them drinking in your house you should say so. If they drink, they can stay at home.

lockdownalli · 14/12/2021 10:31

People saying OP cannot stop parents from drinking - I think maybe you missed the bit where OP explains that they will have been drinking all day by the time they all leave her sisters.

She cannot tell them they can't drink at someone elses house Xmas Grin

With all the tooing and froing I can see how folk are getting confused.

Honestly OP - Stay.At.Home!!!

lockdownalli · 14/12/2021 10:32

Sorry - saying OP CAN stop parents from drinking...

I need another cup of tea!

PermanentTemporary · 14/12/2021 10:46

No she can't. But she can say that she is happy to see them if they haven't been drinking. Addressing the elephant in the room.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/12/2021 14:30

@PermanentTemporary

No she can't. But she can say that she is happy to see them if they haven't been drinking. Addressing the elephant in the room.
Exactly!

And the elephant in the room needs to be addressed or else it will continue to shit on the rug!

Yes, it's very hard to confront a loved one about their problem drinking, believe me I know. But it's worth doing. Hopefully it will change the person's behaviour, but if not at least they'll know your limits.

user1481840227 · 14/12/2021 14:44

@lockdownalli

People saying OP cannot stop parents from drinking - I think maybe you missed the bit where OP explains that they will have been drinking all day by the time they all leave her sisters.

She cannot tell them they can't drink at someone elses house Xmas Grin

With all the tooing and froing I can see how folk are getting confused.

Honestly OP - Stay.At.Home!!!

No, we're not missing that bit or getting confused.

She just has to say we don't want any drinking here this Christmas...and that includes arriving drunk (if they are being obtuse).

I mentioned my ex earlier. If I had to tell him he's not drinking here then he would have the common sense to know that that means he shouldn't show up drunk either.

sbhydrogen · 14/12/2021 14:57

I wouldn't make excuses, otherwise next year you'd be expected to host them again. Break the tradition so you and your family get to enjoy Christmas Day.

Good luck - I know it's not easy!

lemmein · 14/12/2021 15:10

I did this with my dad after one year he turned up absolutely steaming (we hardly drink) and made a dick of himself all day. After that I said he's welcome to come but no pub beforehand (he has a couple of pints here) In fairness, he's stuck to it.

In your case I'd just say no lifts then they probably won't come anyways 🤷🏻‍♀️

Popcornriver · 14/12/2021 15:34

Since you're seeing them Boxing Day, I'd tell them you're going to stick to that and have a very quiet Christmas at home with an early night so your DH isn't going out late on the evening for lifts. I wouldn't even mention drinking.