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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:
NightOwl19 · 13/12/2021 13:56

YANBU!!!! If you get him a job in your company there's every chance he would do the same again. Don't put yourself in that position!

Dogshitduty · 13/12/2021 13:56

tbf you have already done a lot more than I would have

PleasantBirthday · 13/12/2021 13:56

I think you've done enough for him.

girlmom21 · 13/12/2021 13:56

I wouldn't help him. You know he's a snake. What happens when you get him a job at your company and he starts acting like a prick to someone else? It'll reflect badly on you.

Tal45 · 13/12/2021 13:57

I think I'd just ignore the request. If he was the reason you felt you had to quit your job I don't know why you'd even still be in contact with him tbh.

Wizardora83 · 13/12/2021 13:57

No don’t do it! Imagine if he becomes your colleague again!!

sonjadog · 13/12/2021 13:58

Never mind the past situation, you don't know how good a job this person would do now. You can't recommend him for a position without being 100% sure that they are a good person for the job and the company. I would have reservations doing it for a friend, never mind someone I worked with years ago. You have been generous with your time as it is, now it is up to him to find himself a job.

Sparklesocks · 13/12/2021 13:58

No. You don’t owe him anything.

ChangeChingyChange · 13/12/2021 13:59

Are you joking? Do you really need to ask?! Block and ignore indefinitely.

Georgeskitchen · 13/12/2021 14:00

Tell him to get f*Ed
Cheeky b*t*d!!

SW1amp · 13/12/2021 14:00

Two reasons to not do it
You don’t owe him a thing after the situation you put him in

But also, you don’t want to tarnish your own professional reputation by giving a positive endorsement of someone who might turn out to be a pain in the arse again

You won’t look great in the eyes of management if the main reason they’ve got a whinging new colleague is because ‘Rosejam recommended we hire him’

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 14:00

We are only still in contact as I regularly meet in a large group of ex-work colleagues, and he is one of them. We are friendly but I can never forgive or forget what he did. At the time, I was so upset by what happened that I took a huge gamble by leaving without a job to go to - but luckily was not out of work for that long.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/12/2021 14:01

I don’t think I would put a good word in at your current company but I might be more inclined to recommend him to agencies if he was otherwise good at his job.

I wouldn’t want to work alongside him again.

I’d be hard pressed to squeeze out a drop of pee for the person who ruined my career if he was ablaze.

I think it is lovely to be nice and forgiving. But sometimes there is a limit.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 13/12/2021 14:04

No no no and no.

You do not want to recommend him - he sounds like he was a work shy pain and it would reflect on you.

Triffid1 · 13/12/2021 14:04

I'd consider this karma and be cackling to myself quietly in the background.

to him, I'd simply say something like, "As we didn't work together very closely I think it would be inappropriate for me to recommend you but good luck in reaching out to the agencies I mentioned - they're all fantastic and I'm sure they'll be super helpful"

WhooohaHoldOn · 13/12/2021 14:04

No way. Unless you want the same situation repeating itself at you current place. No way. He’s made his bed and can lie in it.

TeapotCollection · 13/12/2021 14:04

Georgeskitchen has nailed it

Bollocks would I have done anything at all for him

BrightYellowDaffodil · 13/12/2021 14:05

he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

I'd use this as my 'official excuse' not to help him. But my real reasons would be a) not wanting to help him after what he did and b) not wanting his behaviour to potentially reflect badly on me if he was recruited on my recommendation.

Kisskiss · 13/12/2021 14:05

He doesn’t sound like somebody I would want working in my company… ‘resistant to change’ .. ‘moaning’ etc etc . You would be unreasonable to recommend him, when it isn’t your true opinion of him

Wizardora83 · 13/12/2021 14:05

@RoseJam I was pushed out of my last job by an awful colleague. I would never put in a good word for him if he applied for a job at my new place. He was manipulative, lied, selfish and an awful team player.

Never again!

Please have some boundaries and protect yourself from this happening again

BrightYellowDaffodil · 13/12/2021 14:07

Also:

he has now asked me to contact...the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do

Like hell would I put myself in a position where he could repeat his behaviour to me again! [shocked]

SarahBellam · 13/12/2021 14:07

Most people moan because it’s a character trait rather than because their job is genuinely awful. If he comes to work with you he’ll probably start kicking off again and this time you might be so lucky. I’d give a swerve. He’s a high risk colleague.

ForbiddentoForbid · 13/12/2021 14:07

Fuck that.

user290814356289 · 13/12/2021 14:07

No.

Coyoacan · 13/12/2021 14:07

He doesn't sound like someone you could recommend based on your experience. And that is nothing to do with revenge or anything like that.

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