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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:
RoseJam · 13/12/2021 14:10

@brightyellowdaffodil - I feel this 100%
@Triffid1 - It did cross my mind that it was karma!

The only reason why I thought maybe I should help me out more, as I know someone else in a similar position to him who successfully transferred to my role. Plus - I would not want anyone to be out of work and struggle. However, he's not struggling at the moment at all.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 13/12/2021 14:10

I’d go with Triffid but would be thinking george’s kitchen

Allsorts1 · 13/12/2021 14:12

Omg no absolutely do not help him! Why would you even give him a recommendation. You’ve done enough.

Thegreencup · 13/12/2021 14:13

No, you've done enough.

Do you know the reason why he is currently out of work? It could be he has been managed out due to performance. And you don't want to risk your own job security by putting your neck on the line by recommending him. Especially with what has happened in the past.

Just till him your company doesn't have any vacancies.

Cakepop9 · 13/12/2021 14:14

Do not help him. Have some self respect.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 13/12/2021 14:19

You know what he’s like as a work colleague- someone who thinks doing a job that he is paid for is optional. Who directly caused you to leave a job where you had been a top performer. If you recommend him for a role in your current place and he does the same you would be judged. Don’t do it. You’ve done enough.

cakewench · 13/12/2021 14:21

As a poster above said, his name will be tied to yours if he gets a job at your company based on your recommendation, and if he acts the same way towards someone else, you will be remembered as the person who recommended him.

Just don't do it.

titchy · 13/12/2021 14:21

I'd be tempted to say 'Dave, if I was to comment on your work to Acme plc it would be to say you're a very difficult person to work with who will destroy the mental health of your colleagues. I think perhaps you'd therefore prefer if I didn't comment?' Followed by a smile.

Iloveacurry · 13/12/2021 14:21

Don’t help him. He could easily do the same again and that wouldn’t reflect well on you.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/12/2021 14:27

Fuck him. Your being very soft hearted about someone who didn’t giv aficionado about your income.

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/12/2021 14:27

Give a fuck 🙄

PizzaCrust · 13/12/2021 14:28

You've done far too much for him already. He actively tried to sabotage your career, remember.

I wouldn't be talking to him anymore, and honestly, if anyone asked my opinion of him, I'd be telling them the truth. Not that he was a good employee, rather he was a snake.

He made his bed, he can lie in it.

Coconuttts · 13/12/2021 14:29

How did his complaining almost result in you being performance managed? He complained about you? It must have been some serious shit stirring for that to happen. Run a mile, he's horrible!

fakereview · 13/12/2021 14:30

I'm amazed that you have helped him in any way. He led to you losing your job (I know you left, but not entirely voluntarily).

I'd tell him to bog off.

HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 14:33

I would reply with, "Have you lost your memory?"

BorsetshireBanality · 13/12/2021 14:34

Fuck no - he wants your job!

Tell him that the specific role he’s looking for is already filled!

BabyDreamsz · 13/12/2021 14:36

13:54RoseJam
He's a user - Don't help him
He knew what be was doing
Get this rubbish out of your life, don't even engage on any level with him
He'll do the same once he's in your company

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2021 14:37

@Dogshitduty

tbf you have already done a lot more than I would have
This ^

I would have told him to f*ck off when he first asked for a favour.

He's behaved badly towards you once, he'll do it again.

He isn't your responsibility - walk away. Apart from anything if he can't cope with his new role it will reflect badly on you if you have spoken in his favour.

Interrobanger · 13/12/2021 14:39

I only ever recommend people who I know are shit hot.

He does not sound shit hot.

UniversalAunt · 13/12/2021 14:39

Between when you left & now is roughly five years?

Short of signposting him to general resources & making general supportive comments, you cannot introduce or vouch for him with others as you cannot know him that well.

That he has asked you after all this time & what has gone on between you, apology or not, says that he has not got enough people on his side already.

Once bitten, twice shy etc

Tomatalillo · 13/12/2021 14:39

YANBU.

Never mind the past if you back him now then your it’s your reputation on the line. If he would be someone you would genuinely gladly pick to join your team then that’s one thing but you should only recommend him if you genuinely think he’s a good employee, not as a favour.

PrincessNutella · 13/12/2021 14:40

It would be unethical to put a good word in for him. You should only recommend someone you think would be good for a job. Don't cheapen your reputation.

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2021 14:40

He is a CF isn't he!!

So some great suggestions already.

My DH has a policy of never putting forward anyone with a personal recommendation as he doesn't want the fallout from their possible poor performance - people / employers remember this kind of stuff. He will help them, like you have already, but will not go any further.

Nomorepies · 13/12/2021 14:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

frazzledasarock · 13/12/2021 14:40

So basically he’s so lazy he can’t be arsed to do his own job search and wants u to recommend him so your company approaches him directly?

Why are you even still speaking to someone who nearly ruined your career?

Ghost him.

I can imagine any man in your shoes doing a female colleague who’d been the cause of them leaving their job any favours or giving it a thought!

Why invite trouble into your workplace? You’re mad.

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