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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/12/2021 14:40

@titchy

I'd be tempted to say 'Dave, if I was to comment on your work to Acme plc it would be to say you're a very difficult person to work with who will destroy the mental health of your colleagues. I think perhaps you'd therefore prefer if I didn't comment?' Followed by a smile.

Ooooh!

Nice one!

I would be so tempted to do this if I was in this position.

fairydust11 · 13/12/2021 14:42

Fuck that. Do not help him. Why are you in contact with him if he was the reason you left your previous company?

FoxgloveSummers · 13/12/2021 14:42

i think you have your answer

TBH if he's this much of a shameless prick I might say I'd try to put in a good word for him and then never mention him. Or even do the opposite. It might seem nasty but it's about protecting yourself and others. You're clearly a bit of a sweetheart or you wouldn't be considering thing, how would you feel if he targeted another soft-hearted type?

Agree with PP he's after your job and wants to victimise you again.

DO NOT RECOMMEND HIM fgs.

What I would do is try to find out from ex-colleagues what got him the boot in the end.

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 14:42

2 hell no 3 fuck no

I mean why would you?

CatJumperTwat · 13/12/2021 14:43

who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management

How could you put in "a good word" or recommend this man in good conscience? You know he isn't a good worker/teammate. Forget everything else.

Skeumorph · 13/12/2021 14:44

Wow, are you mad?!

Out of interest, do you honestly think you could recommend him, in good faith? If so, how?

If I were your boss, and you recommended an ex-colleague who had been the reason for you leaving your previous place of work, I'd seriously question your professional judgement.

To recommend someone, you owe it to your present employer to be in no doubt of them being a good colleague. It's not just your own repuation on the line - the fact is that if you recommend them, you're vouching for them, making it so that your employer is more likely to trust them.

I'd be pretty angry if my employee did this - recommend someone they absolutely knew had a history of causing issues.

That's before you even get to your own situation. If I were you at this point, I'd probably be having an off the record conversation with my boss giving them the heads up that this person was looking for a job, was likely to use my name as an 'in' - and that I felt I owed it to them to let them know the history and that I'd feeel very uncomfortable working with them again, and couldn't say that they were a good or trustworthy employee.

As for them. It's so outrageous that he would ask this (Always a HE isn't it!!) - that I'd probably be brutally honest.

'Sorry Mike, I can't do that. Have you forgotten that I actually ended up leaving X company because of the trouble you caused for me on the TwatElectrics project? I'm happy that it's water under the bridge now, but I wouldn't be prepared to work with you again, no.'

Etinoxaurus · 13/12/2021 14:44

@Tal45

I think I'd just ignore the request. If he was the reason you felt you had to quit your job I don't know why you'd even still be in contact with him tbh.

This! Why on Earth have you done so much already

IntermittentParps · 13/12/2021 14:45

I think he can fuck off.

CharityDingle · 13/12/2021 14:45

At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal.

I would say he knew exactly what he was doing, and sorry wouldn't cut it with me. I would help him when hell freezes over, but not before then. I would never speak to him again, but I am an unforgiving type.

SoyMarina · 13/12/2021 14:45

I can't believe you are still in contact with him!

Sally872 · 13/12/2021 14:46

you don't have enough knowledge that his skills transfer to your role. So perfectly reasonable not to.
you know he can drive good people to leave so would actually be unfair on your employer to suggest he would be a good fit.
if he does this again it may reflect poorly on you for recommending him.

He obviously isn't sorry otherwise he would know it is inappropriate to ask. I can't believe he has the audacity.

DraigFach · 13/12/2021 14:46

I'd be quite honest, that you're not willing to make a personal recommendation based on your last professional interactions - but if he really wants you to you're happy to share that experience with any recruiters if approached.

That should make it clear that he's being a cheeky, lazy arse and to stop chancing his arm!

Gargellen · 13/12/2021 14:46

@RoseJam

We are only still in contact as I regularly meet in a large group of ex-work colleagues, and he is one of them. We are friendly but I can never forgive or forget what he did. At the time, I was so upset by what happened that I took a huge gamble by leaving without a job to go to - but luckily was not out of work for that long.

But you have already forgiven and forgotten what he did to you by helping him as much as you have. If anything you have validated him by helping him. Seriously, I would never have even answered his emails or whatever it was from him asking you to help him out. He is a rotten toerag and what he is experiencing now is karma.

CharityDingle · 13/12/2021 14:47

Sorry Mike, I can't do that. Have you forgotten that I actually ended up leaving X company because of the trouble you caused for me on the TwatElectrics project? I'm happy that it's water under the bridge now, but I wouldn't be prepared to work with you again, no.

100% this, minus the sorry at the beginning.

Sally872 · 13/12/2021 14:47

In fact if I was comfortable with managers etc I would go as far as to warn employers this muppet is seeking employment in case he does find a role in your current company via agencies.

snackodactyl · 13/12/2021 14:48

Ooh, fuck that OP. I get that it would be awkward due to socialising out of work but never forgive, never forget. I had a colleague who operated horrifically and extended an olive branch when they heard I would be moving to greener pastures. I maintained a wall of silence because I knew a similar request to yours would soon follow. That and because I wanted to leave all the crap behind.

Fernando072020 · 13/12/2021 14:50

I'm sorry but I don't even understand why you've done what you've already done. He nearly got you fired... And you're now helping him? That sounds mental.

LaBellina · 13/12/2021 14:50

Wow OP you’re so kind!
I would have gladly rubbed in his face that I didn’t forget how he ‘unintentionally’ screwed me over and wouldn’t have helped him at all. In fact, I might have told people my story and how unreliable, lazy and a non teamplayer he is….

tapeandglue · 13/12/2021 14:54

He's a snake.

Recommend him and you'll be the one who gets blamed when everyone realises his true colours. I only recommend people who I know can do the job, and who I know would fit into the team.

I'm currently leaving a job in similar circumstances to you, and hell would freeze over before I help the snake who has prompted me to run.

WaltzingTilda · 13/12/2021 14:54

No good deed goes unpunished. Tell him to apply and if your employers think he is suitable then they'll recruit him. A bad penny is trying to turn up again, dont help it!

WaltzingTilda · 13/12/2021 14:55

Don't recommend him and don't help him. Only tell him what he can find out from Google.

cstaff · 13/12/2021 14:57

In my firm if someone applies for a job and they know that you have worked in the same firm previously as the applicant, HR or one of the managers will approach you directly and ask "what was so and so like in your last job".

I was caught off guard one day and didn't realise that this was to do with a job applicant and they asked me what this girl who I had worked with before was like and without thinking I said something along the lines of "I'm glad I don't work with that b*tch anymore - couldn't be dealing with her BS". HR just looked at me and said well I guess we wont be giving her the job she applied for. I just turned bright red but funnily enough they never employed her.

Annonymiss123 · 13/12/2021 14:57

@titchy

^^ This!

He has a neck like a jockey’s bollocks!

ShakesFist · 13/12/2021 14:58

definitely not!

i was speaking to someone about forgiveness the other day. It's a very Christian concept isn't it - turn the other cheek, let the person without sin cast the first stone. It often comes packaged with guilt.

ultimately sometimes in life, people do not deserve forgiveness and that is OK. Not forgiving someone does not make you a bad person! You carry on with your life, let him carry on with his. He is the ultimate in cheeky fuckery tbh.

Fluffymule · 13/12/2021 15:00

@CharityDingle

100% this, minus the sorry at the beginning.

Yes, no Sorry needed.

No need to be 'nice'. Consider how 'nice' he was to you when your job was on the line because of his behaviour.

You've done more than most people would have done in the circumstances already.

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