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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 13/12/2021 16:43

RoseJam
I waivered about this as it's been 5 years since it happened, and it ended up leading to some great opportunities for me.

Those are not relevant, though, are they? He didn't give you these opportunities: they were nothing whatever to do with him. If anything they were in spite of him: he might have damaged your confidence so much that when the opportunities arose you didn't take them because you didn't think you'd make a go of them.

He didn't intend to help you. So you mustn't get hooked on behaving as if he had.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2021 16:46

You need to say no

I don't think it would be helpful to you for me to describe what happened when we worked together, do you? And of course I would never be less than truthful if asked.

Shallwegoforawalk · 13/12/2021 16:48

At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal.

Like fuck he didn't know, he was after your job then and he's after it again now!

WHY would you help this twat? Just WHY?

Topseyt · 13/12/2021 16:54

He already shafted you once. Don't give him the chance to do it a second time.

frazzledasarock · 13/12/2021 16:55

Did he apologise before or after you got your current job?

He wasn’t the reason you went on to bigger and better things, he gave you nothing, he hounded you out of a job you loved and were on an upward trajectory in.

ilovebrie8 · 13/12/2021 16:57

Spot on @ForbiddentoForbid no way would I go anywhere near him !! Keep all away from him once bitten twice shy and all that!!

kazzakiwi12 · 13/12/2021 16:57

I accidentally voted that you were being unreasonable,sorry. You have done enough for this person, and couldn't in good conscience revmxommend them anyway, when you know they are a big meaner. That could eventually reflect badly on you. YANBU

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 13/12/2021 16:57

@SW1amp

Two reasons to not do it You don’t owe him a thing after the situation you put him in

But also, you don’t want to tarnish your own professional reputation by giving a positive endorsement of someone who might turn out to be a pain in the arse again

You won’t look great in the eyes of management if the main reason they’ve got a whinging new colleague is because ‘Rosejam recommended we hire him’

This...

Don't put yourself out to help this rubbish colleague...

Moany colleagues rarely do well, they cause more issues than they solve

ithoughtisawapuddycat · 13/12/2021 17:00

I make it a rule to never get involved with someone applying for a job where I work. I've made friends aware of vacancies and that is it. I would give a character statement if asked but will in no way influence. I would not want to damage my reputation if for some reason they weren't a good fit or something went wrong.

I did that with a very good friend, made them aware of the job and helped them refine their CV but that was it. They did get the job and have been there a few years and is doing well. But they are also in a completely different department to me too.

Opal8 · 13/12/2021 17:01

NO

BrilliantBetty · 13/12/2021 17:05

Nah. Keep out of it. Don't offer help. Don't do anything.

Pinksloth · 13/12/2021 17:12

@PrincessNutella

It would be unethical to put a good word in for him. You should only recommend someone you think would be good for a job. Don't cheapen your reputation.
This!

How could you recommend a work-shy, manipulative moaner to anyone?

Not very fair to the agency or your colleagues.

Pinksloth · 13/12/2021 17:13

@PrincessNutella

It would be unethical to put a good word in for him. You should only recommend someone you think would be good for a job. Don't cheapen your reputation.
This!

How could you recommend a work-shy, manipulative moaner to anyone?

Not very fair to the agency or your colleagues.

AthelstaneTheUnready · 13/12/2021 17:13

@RoseJam, you seem like a sweetheart who responds to anyone tugging at the heartstrings or asking for help.

Perhaps you're feeling the pressure of the request, thinking his future may be affected by your response?

But you haven't worked with him for 5 years. I can GUARANTEE you that this man is not looking solely to you to help him find a way to pay his bills/keep a roof over his head/etc.

He'll have messaged EVERY likely and unlikely he's met in a general attempt to spread the word he wants a new job. He is NOT relying on you, and you alone, to assist him. There will be many others receiving similar fishing messages.

You won't stand out if you politely decline, you may not even register. Think of it as spam communications to see who bites, and don't give it another thought.

Rainartist · 13/12/2021 17:13

No way! Why should you do his legwork?!
I wouldn't be actively seeking out endorsing him to management unless he put you as his referee.

CharityDingle · 13/12/2021 17:14

@kazzakiwi12

If you click on the yanbu, that will change your vote.

Original poster
RoseJam · 13/12/2021 17:23

@AthelstaneTheUnready - thank you!! You are absolutely right and it is very helpful to think of him this way as spam communications.

I know he has been asking others to help him out too - so I won't stand out if I ignore him. In fact, he messaged me via Linked In a few days ago asking me to call him - but I haven't called him back and neither do I intend to.

Also, I have decided if I am asked about him, I will respond with 'No comment' - my managers will know what that means! As much as I would like to slate him for what he did, I have to remain professional as possible. Interestingly, I did have a conversation with another trusted and respected professional in my industry about him - and he was on the same page as me - so I feel a bit better.

OP posts:
Beeinalily · 13/12/2021 17:23

CF to even ask!

TonTonMacoute · 13/12/2021 17:27

YADNBU

Don't even give him a second thought!

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 17:45

Don’t do this and don’t feel guilty. Mostly it’s men I find who have the brass neck to pull this trick. Women sometimes do too though.

He can’t be doing that well if he needs your recommendation/help and so on for a job and in some twisted narcissistic way he may even feel you owe him (despite him causing you to resign) or have a twisted knowledge of how great he is —yet still needs your help—. I also couldn’t rest easy if he messed up again so I’d be civil but wouldn’t help much nor recommend, let him do his own legwork and no doubt he’ll be fine.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 17:46

No and no again and no comment. Ten to one he’ll mess up again and may even pull trick he pulled with you with someone else. Let him struggle but be civil.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/12/2021 18:16

Why do you want to help this person inflict damage on some other poor sod?
Part of being good at your job includes being collaborative and he was not.
Honestly you’re a mug you should have just said you don’t know anyone hiring.

ilssagain · 13/12/2021 18:27

They didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management

Why on earth would you recommend someone like that??
It's your reputation at stake if you recommend him and he behaves the same way in his new role.
Also if he were to be successful at applying for a job in your company you might have to work with him again and he could cause the same amount of trouble.

And it's not your problem he's been made redundant and is looking for a job. It's not your problem if he doesn't find one. He will have to take whatever work he can get if he wants to keep money coming in but that's his problem.
Maybe he was made redundant because he was a pain in the arse in his most recent job too.

No, no and no.
You've pointed him in the direction of some vacancies but that needs to be the end of it.

Just say that as you haven't worked with him for 5 years you are not in a position to recommend him as you do not know what his current standard of work/abilities are and wish him luck.

powershowerforanhour · 13/12/2021 18:28

"waivered about this as it's been 5 years since it happened, and it ended up leading to some great opportunities for me."

So basically he gave you a shove, you fell out the window...and happened to land on a bed of rose petals with a pot of gold buried in it. That neither of you knew was there, instead of concrete.

God loves a trier but hates a chancer so it's a hard no. Don't inflict him on your colleagues or yourself. If you're worried about the poor darling getting a job- well, there are plenty of more deserving cases out there and I wouldn't be inclined to help him push past them to get to that job.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 13/12/2021 18:41

@RoseJam

Wow - thanks for all the messages!

I am a softie at heart and if ever I can help people I do. But there are times when it has backfired. I don't want to get burned again. I waivered about this as it's been 5 years since it happened, and it ended up leading to some great opportunities for me.

To those asking about personal recommendations and would I have recommended him otherwise - the answer is NO. I really don't ever recommend anyone in my business as I am a consultant now, and our industry is quite small, so a lot depends on word of mouth. I have an excellent reputation right now. Anyone I actually think is worth recommending is always employed anyway, are always inundated with offers, and will be known anyway in the industry.

Read your own post, then ask yourself WHY you even thought about it.