Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:
DPotter · 13/12/2021 15:02

I agree you have gone above and beyond to help an ex colleague who basically shafted you.

Definitely do not recommend - any future poor behaviour on his part will reflect badly on you. In fact if you're asked by anyone in your company about his performance I would say I cannot recommend him.

LaBellina · 13/12/2021 15:02

@ShakesFist

definitely not!

i was speaking to someone about forgiveness the other day. It's a very Christian concept isn't it - turn the other cheek, let the person without sin cast the first stone. It often comes packaged with guilt.

ultimately sometimes in life, people do not deserve forgiveness and that is OK. Not forgiving someone does not make you a bad person! You carry on with your life, let him carry on with his. He is the ultimate in cheeky fuckery tbh.

Exactly! And even if she has forgiven him, she doesn’t owe him any favors. I agree with pp that it might even come back to bite her in the arse because he will show his true colors soon enough and they will wonder why on earth the op has recommended him. Then that’s the second time he damaged her reputation. I would keep a far distance from this person.
TakeMe2Insanity · 13/12/2021 15:04

No!

Okbye · 13/12/2021 15:04

He's a grown man!! Tell him to sort out his own life!

Urrrgh I HATE people like this! 🤬

snackodactyl · 13/12/2021 15:07

tapeandglue makes an excellent point. It’s not going to look good for you professionally if your work hire him based on your recommendation and he repeats history there. That or sitting there belittling any progress you’ve made because you weren’t like that where you both previously worked.

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 13/12/2021 15:07

Favours to him... are they also favours to the company you now work for?

If you help him get work at your place, you become (at least a little) responsible for him and his performance too. Are you sure you think he is good for your new workplace and the people there? You don't sound to be.

Lunde · 13/12/2021 15:08

Do not recommend him

You risk his future potentially poor performance being linked to you and the agencies might start questioning your judgement in recommending him

You have done more than enough already given the way he treated you

museumum · 13/12/2021 15:08

I am very much a 'forgive and forget' or 'benefit of the doubt' person but when you recommend somebody it is YOUR reputation that is on the line. I don't know how you could possibly recommend him in all good conscience.

RantyAunty · 13/12/2021 15:20

Ghost this guy.
He's a bad worker and sabotaged your promotion.
You're known by the company you keep.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 13/12/2021 15:21

Oh hell no. I wouldn't have replied in the first place. OP, you are very magnanimous but I would suggest cutting that off for this chap right now.

friendlycat · 13/12/2021 15:24

I genuinely don't understand how you think you could recommend somebody who in your opening post you state was resistant to change,
didn't want to work on a project that he was assigned to, moaned and complained.

None of those attributes in my mind are those of somebody that I would highly recommend and I would not want my reputation tainted by recommending somebody possessing those qualities.

It's nothing to do with karma (though I can see it comes into play) it's about how professional this person is and he has already shown himself not to be so in your own experience of working with him. Therefore, it is wholly inappropriate of your to recommend him to anyone.

fabulousathome · 13/12/2021 15:26

Do not lift a finger to help him. Not even a finger nail.

Be polite though.

Cantfindausernamethatsnottaken · 13/12/2021 15:27

Di not help him,hes old enough to find a job by himself.Now he is no longer in your old company you can hope he wont be at any meet ups with the people you still see and just block him on everything.
I am shocked you are in touch with hi at all,never mind considering helping him to no doubt stab you in the back again.

StormTreader · 13/12/2021 15:28

Nope - I once got a job at mine for a friend who was a bit of a moaner. He moaned at the new job and then shirked so much work they let him go.
It was very embarrassing for me.

Iamnotamermaid · 13/12/2021 15:31

YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

I was in a similar position with a couple of colleagues who were just toxic and put me in a very similar scenario to you. And yes, they are still blind to what they did (well one of them is). Absolutely no way would I help them if they came to me for assistance.

What he is asking for is a recommendation and reference. Are you happy to do this based on your experience? You owe your former colleague nothing. He has had 18 months pay - so given a golden handshake and plenty of time to sort himself out.

BruceAndNosh · 13/12/2021 15:33

I would politely say that you've given him the info he needs, but you are not in a position to give him a reference since you haven't worked together since Debacle Project .
He'll get the message

Notmoresugar · 13/12/2021 15:35

With respect, after what he did to you, you must have MUG written all over your forehead.

You shouldn't have helped the incompetent twat at all. Stop it there and don't ever help him again.

You're a good person and he's not.

Dontbeme · 13/12/2021 15:37

Can you do me a favour OP, can you check the side of your head, does it have a handle, cos you seem to be a mug.

Do nothing for this man, ignore messages, letters, emails, carrier pigeons, ravens from the North, ignore it all. I cannot think of one man that would go out of his way to help someone who tried to thrown them under a bus to make themselves look good. Just ignore this wanker.

Also if you want advice on forgiveness, forgiveness never means forgetting what someone did, or giving them another chance to harm you again, think of forgiveness as you no longer wishing for a different past, you come to accept what happened and you learn from it, not some "turn the other cheek" so he can wallop you in the face again nonsense.

Newcomer68 · 13/12/2021 15:43

No.

He's got form for doing you damage.

In an interview, a very lovely and hardworking former colleague (now a friend) of mine gave someone with equally hideous behaviour he benefit of the doubt. This hideously behaved individual had form for passing off other people's work and ideas as their own, and just happened to be related by marriage to one of the local bigwig families. They were always held up as the poster girl for campaigns despite not having any substance of their own in their empty little head. Guess what happened next...

(And like you, my colleague went on to much bigger and better things, but that isn't the point.)

Besides, isn't it something of a conflict of interest?!

Newcomer68 · 13/12/2021 15:44

FGS - *the benefit of the doubt. 2021, and not an edit button to be seen on mumsnet!!!!

Original poster
RoseJam · 13/12/2021 15:47

Wow - thanks for all the messages!

I am a softie at heart and if ever I can help people I do. But there are times when it has backfired. I don't want to get burned again. I waivered about this as it's been 5 years since it happened, and it ended up leading to some great opportunities for me.

To those asking about personal recommendations and would I have recommended him otherwise - the answer is NO. I really don't ever recommend anyone in my business as I am a consultant now, and our industry is quite small, so a lot depends on word of mouth. I have an excellent reputation right now. Anyone I actually think is worth recommending is always employed anyway, are always inundated with offers, and will be known anyway in the industry.

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2021 15:48

..... and if he ends up with an interview at your current place, and they ask you, you tell them he always seemed dissatisfied with the work and his colleagues, and therefore it was a little hard to stay positive on any project he was working on. Or something.

Jux · 13/12/2021 15:50

Cross post. Then no problem you never give recommendations in thatw sono you can't help him, you never do.

Glittertwins · 13/12/2021 15:51

You went from being a top performer to be put on a pdp because of this person?
He's one hell of an untrustworthy snake and you've done more than I'd do, that's for certain. Don't let him sabotage your career again, you might not be quite so lucky next time.

BeardyButton · 13/12/2021 15:52

People are either drains or radiators. He’s a drain. You are a radiator. Surround yourself w radiators and get rid of the drains.