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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not go out of my way to help an ex-work colleague whose actions led me to leave?

161 replies

RoseJam · 13/12/2021 13:54

Five years ago, I had a great job with a great company. I did well, got promoted and put on a flagship project. I was partnered up with a work colleague (different role to me) - who I found challenging as they didn't want to be on the project and was very resistant to change. The work colleague moaned and complained to higher management which led to my managers considering putting me on a performance plan. At the time work colleague realised the impacts of what he had done and told me he was sorry and felt bad as he didn't realise all his moaning could have potentially led to my dismissal. (Previous to this, I had been a top performer in the company and have always got on well with my work colleagues.) I ended up giving my notice shortly after and have gone on to much better things. I still keep in touch with my ex-work colleagues from that company and we have regular social meetups.

Last month the ex-work colleague was made redundant. He has had 18 months pay. He asked me for help getting a job, so I was happy to give general advice and recommend a few agencies and companies in our industry I knew who had vacancies. However, he has now asked me to contact the agents and the company I am currently working at and recommend him and put in a good word for him for doing the role that I currently do.

On one hand, I think it would be nice to help but he did a very different job to me and I don't know how transferable it would be to mine.

On the other hand, I cannot forget that his actions led to a very tough patch in my career. I would not have left otherwise. Although in hindsight, leaving turned out to be great careerwise for me.

AIBU - Yes - give him a recommendation regardless.
YANBU - No - you've done enough already.

OP posts:
kazzakiwi12 · 13/12/2021 23:06

@CharityDingle done! Thanks for that!

snackodactyl · 14/12/2021 05:33

OP you really should check out AskAManager who gets letters similar to your situation. If he even made it as a candidate she recommends not hesitating to let your company know that you wouldn’t be happy with him working there due to past events. They’ve known and trusted you for longer. There’s also good tips on how to put some boundaries in when you get requests like this, as you say you get them a lot?

In an ideal world, shutting this request down would give him some food for thought on how to treat people better. In his case I can’t imagine it will though.

RedRum27 · 14/12/2021 06:12

Don’t be taken for a mug by this person, no way would I even be speaking to someone who made me leave my job. Why are you even giving them the time of day?

Whingasaurus · 14/12/2021 06:28

No, and I'd be honest and say why. Not one of my male friends would even consider doing this they'd laugh, say no and not give it another thought.

RantyAunty · 14/12/2021 07:01

He's truly a first class CF.

I'm curious to what he was doing that caused you to be put on a PIP?
Was he going to your boss and higher ups and complaining about how you were running things?

I take it during the past 5 years he didn't get promoted to your position?

Beachgirl33 · 14/12/2021 07:58

No way

Capricopia · 14/12/2021 08:07

Think about what you’re contemplating here - you know he’s not a good worker, so you would be putting your reputation on the line to lie and pretend he was. That could hugely backfire on you.

This isn’t about holding a grudge; it’s about your honesty and professional reputation. Don’t risk that for someone you have no obligation to.

mommybear1 · 14/12/2021 08:08

I know you have made up your mind OP and I think it's the right choice. Similar thing happened to me, I was ultimately forced out and went to another business made a success etc and let bygone go etc around 4 years later a motley bunch who had a hand in my exit contacted me to move to my new firm. Foolishly I thought it would be the right thing to do to bring them over we had been close - bygones be bygones etc - what a mistake. After a few months they tried their old tricks and were unsuccessful but it made for a horrible working atmosphere then one of them got the ear of a much much higher up and I was pushed out of my main account and lost my client. I went to another client who was lovely and still managed to progress well but every day was hell. I got pregnant and left on maternity leave. The old client got in touch and I now work as hoc for them - the bunch have been in touch at various points for advice/new job opportunities- unsurprisingly it's been a hard no from me Grin.

bembridge11 · 14/12/2021 11:12

You have done more than most. And well done for moving on to better things!
They need to act like an adult and sort themselves out!
You arent their mum!

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/12/2021 11:47

Your experience is that they are disruptive when asked to do work they don't want to do.

No way would I recommend anyone like this.

Mary46 · 14/12/2021 12:13

No op and knowing your luck you be working with him again! Just let it be. He sounds bit sneaky!

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