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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Beneficiaries already in touch.

171 replies

danettehealy · 13/12/2021 08:03

Hi all,

My friend/former partner passed away a month ago. We were not married at any point - and remained on good terms for many years.

I am the executor of his will - something which I always knew about - even when we remained friends. The other executor is a mutual friend from our circle.

I have already had three people ask me to see the will (not for funeral purposes) - and if not exactly/directly that question - they have asked 'what's happening next?!' repeatedly. I feel totally out of it as his death was rather traumatising and questions such as 'Can I have this/that?' seem totally out of line. Someone asked for specific items three days after his passing.

The other executor and I haven't informed any beneficiaries yet - because we've yet to go through the whole probate process. When would be the 'right' time to inform them? Also, AIBU to be massively offended by the behaviour of some people?! I suspect it is because the estate is extremely large.

OP posts:

WulyJmpr · 13/12/2021 08:13

I understand where you are coming from. However with your role as executor you are responsible for knowing what will happen next. And folks have a right to ask.

Might it be a good idea to meet up with the other executor to figure out next steps together and try and put an approximate timeline together?

You can then both be seen to act as a united front, only have to give away factual information on the process and dates etc and not have to be drawn into upsetting conversations, to protect your own mental health.

This will buy you a bit of time while you grieve and get your head around your executor responsibilities.

Ellmau · 13/12/2021 08:20

They're being rude and grabby, and YANBU to be upset.

Respond to any outsiders' general questions about the will and estate with, "That will have to wait until probate has been sorted out." Requests for specific items: "I am afraid it isn't in my power to give away any items" (It isn't - if not specified in the will, they go to the residuary legatee.)

Are these people beneficiaries, and of minor or major bequests?

sst1234 · 13/12/2021 08:22

Yes the vultures are circling. These kind of people wait for relatives to die in order to inherit.

Happy1982ish · 13/12/2021 08:24

How long has you been with your partner

Funkyslippers · 13/12/2021 08:24

I agree with the above. As you probably know, you don't have to go through a solicitor to sort the estate. I lost my dad recently and as executor I did it all myself. Saved a huge amount of money i reckon!

Happy1982ish · 13/12/2021 08:25

Oh I see
You weren’t with him

A large estate
Likely they just want to ensure that all running smoothly
It can be fiendishly complicated

StCharlotte · 13/12/2021 08:25

"We need to get probate first. It takes months." On repeat.

I work in probate and am frequently shocked by the grabbiness of some people.

bookgirl1982 · 13/12/2021 08:26

It wouldn't be inappropriate to say that the executors won't be starting work until after the funeral.

picklemewalnuts · 13/12/2021 08:27

To be fair, there are often situations where the belongings are cleared rather precipitously and when someone asks after the funeral everything has gone.

If someone is courteously expressing a fondness for something as a memento, knowing you wouldn't know it was special to them, I think that's ok. I have some things that no one would think were special or valuable, but they were made by my grandad or something I remember fondly from visits to their house when I was a child. No intrinsic value, so easily got rid of if you didn't know.

I'd expect a genuine enquiry about how you are coping as well, of course.

MatildaIThink · 13/12/2021 08:28

I have seen people get horribly grabby when someone dies, a friend had someone call and ask her "When will I get my inheritance" within two hours of the death of one of her aunts. Money can bring out the worst in certain kinds of people and unfortunately in the role of executor you have to deal with them.

My advice would be to say that you have to go through the correct legal process and you do not currently know how long it will take to obtain probate, but you will keep people informed when information is available.

gogohm · 13/12/2021 08:29

I would be factual and firm with any enquiries. State simply that the process has been started and you need to apply for probate before you can discuss any further details, this can take many months. If you plan to appoint a solicitor state that too

GiltEdges · 13/12/2021 08:34

*To be fair, there are often situations where the belongings are cleared rather precipitously and when someone asks after the funeral everything has gone.

If someone is courteously expressing a fondness for something as a memento, knowing you wouldn't know it was special to them, I think that's ok.*

This. With regards to everything else, as executor you really do need to be aware of what the next steps are and be ready to relay this information to the beneficiaries, as appropriate. If you don't feel comfortable doing that and you're not too far into the process then I'd seriously consider renouncing your executorship and allowing the other executor to deal with it.

CSJobseeker · 13/12/2021 08:36

He may have been your friend, but executor is an official role. Often, executors will use their discretion to share details of the will with beneficiaries before probate is granted, and they're not unreasonable to be asking. At the very least you need to just tell all the beneficiaries that you've applied for probate and will update them and share the will when this is done.

I'm sorry for your loss.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/12/2021 08:36

Could you be pro active and send all the beneficiaries a copy of the will and tell them you have/are applying for probate but that it takes many months to come through?

Wills shouldn't be a secret - much easier to just tell everyone

MorrisZapp · 13/12/2021 08:37

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. The people he named in his will are beneficiaries in the legal sense, but I assume they're the people he loved most on earth too? I have to say I do feel they have a right to open a dialogue with the executor without being labelled as vultures.

Houses can and do get cleared without loved ones having access to mementoes, so if there's a particular item they'd like you could tell them you'll note it and see if it's possible.

I think some people take on the executor role without realising what's involved. I hope it all goes OK for you.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/12/2021 08:42

Do you want to be executor? You can relinquish. Or just hand it over to a solicitor. If it involves lots of money, property and beneficiaries and you don't benefit that is exactly what I would do tbh.

thepastisanothercountry · 13/12/2021 08:44

Unfortunately this does happen.

When my step nan died my step dads adult DD swopped on her flat THE NEXT MORNING (she died just before midnight) and cleared the lot including large quantities of cash which had been hidden there (step nan did not trust the banks), The whole thing was a nightmare. All she left was a few piles of rubbish and the toilet roll. There was a humungous row. She phoned and asked about the will that evening (so less than 24 hours afterwards) Step dad didn't speak to her again for about 5 years and I never spoke to her again.

I adored my step nan she accepted all of us as "proper" grandchildren almost immediately and was just one of the kindest and most spirited people you could ever hope to meet. It was always said that she "did something interesting in the war but if you asked she always changed the subject. It was lost on no one though that this tiny (5ft 2) working class lady spoke very good French and my brother told me he once had an interesting conversation with her about explosives.

Sorry for hijacking OP went of at a tangent there just remembering her and the awful mess after her death makes me go down memory lane.

billybear · 13/12/2021 08:45

i lost my dad last year ,only me to do it all.day after he died it started knock on his door while i was sorting stuff out could they have his microwave,knock again can she have his washer,knock again can they buy his car,it really upset me i hardened up fast ,people are very grabby and its wrong take care

UnbeatenMum · 13/12/2021 08:47

It makes sense to let beneficiaries see the will or know what's in it before probate. And non-beneficiaries if they might have a genuine reason for dispute. A month doesn't seem like an unreasonable timeframe to start asking about that although of course it's a difficult time for you and you probably have work or other commitments. If the estate was large maybe your friend had a solicitor who could advise?

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 08:52

@LaurieFairyCake

Could you be pro active and send all the beneficiaries a copy of the will and tell them you have/are applying for probate but that it takes many months to come through?

Wills shouldn't be a secret - much easier to just tell everyone

well its a thought, but until the will has been through probate, I think this is perhaps not the best idea, just in case there is a problem with it and the executor has to say "you know that will I sent you? well it was the wrong one/not valid" and so on.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/12/2021 08:54

That's a good caveat to put in the email to them

(Not sure how often that happens?)

knittingaddict · 13/12/2021 08:54

@picklemewalnuts

To be fair, there are often situations where the belongings are cleared rather precipitously and when someone asks after the funeral everything has gone.

I'd expect a genuine enquiry about how you are coping as well, of course.

This was my first thought and I might be tempted to ask about certain items too. Some irreplaceable things went missing when my grandparents died. Not expensive things, but things like huge family photos from the early 1900's that I remember, but will never see again. I wouldn't want that to happen a second time.

Where someone clearing a house sees junk, another sees treasure. Not every request is grabby and all about the money.

Aprilx · 13/12/2021 08:58

You do need to try and separate your legal responsibilities from your personal feelings. You don’t have the right to leave things until you are feeling emotionally better.

If it is beneficiaries asking for a copy of the will then you need to provide it, you also should tell them about the process. You can reply that you are not distributing any assets until probate has been granted but requests are noted.

Blinkingbatshit · 13/12/2021 09:02

I’m sorry for your loss💐. I think if it’s been a month and the funeral has taken place it is probably ok for the beneficiaries to ask what’s happening next - certainly to know you have it in hand and, if they haven’t been through this before, to find out how it works. Asking about personal items is also ok - far better they say than it gets sent to house clearance or sold without them able to state a preference to keep it. I’m afraid this is part and parcel - and once people know ££ is coming they want to be able to plan ahead…sometimes it’s grabby but it can also be prudent.

Billandben444 · 13/12/2021 09:03

If you're not using a solicitor (and you don't need to if you're both confident you can handle a large estate), then you will need to field these sort of questions. As a pp has suggested, I'd be tempted to send all the beneficiaries details of what their inheritance will be with the caveat that probate needs to be granted first which could take some months and they will be notified when this happens. As to personal items, unless they are mentioned in the will, then it is down to the person who inherits the remains of the estate to decide. If this is not you then you need to pass the requests on and keep scrupulous records of what's been disposed of and any financial value to include in the value of the estate for IHT purposes. If it is you then you might want to consider letting odd items go to others who cared about him. I'm sorry for your loss but if it's a large estate you will need to put your professional hat on as well as taking time to grieve.

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