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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Beneficiaries already in touch.

171 replies

danettehealy · 13/12/2021 08:03

Hi all,

My friend/former partner passed away a month ago. We were not married at any point - and remained on good terms for many years.

I am the executor of his will - something which I always knew about - even when we remained friends. The other executor is a mutual friend from our circle.

I have already had three people ask me to see the will (not for funeral purposes) - and if not exactly/directly that question - they have asked 'what's happening next?!' repeatedly. I feel totally out of it as his death was rather traumatising and questions such as 'Can I have this/that?' seem totally out of line. Someone asked for specific items three days after his passing.

The other executor and I haven't informed any beneficiaries yet - because we've yet to go through the whole probate process. When would be the 'right' time to inform them? Also, AIBU to be massively offended by the behaviour of some people?! I suspect it is because the estate is extremely large.

OP posts:
frostyfingers · 13/12/2021 10:34

We have solicitors as executors for a relative who died in August. They have just written to the beneficiaries outlining the estimated value of the estate but advised that official probate has not been granted and that nothing will be forthcoming until it has.

BlueMongoose · 13/12/2021 10:35

@Xenia

The problem is they are caught between a rock and a hard place. if they wait personal items that have huge meaning to them from the house such as family photos might have been throw out so they have to mention it early to ensure those things are preserved.

You might want to send them all a photo copy of the will by email for a start as it will be a public document anyway in due course.

You may want to pass everything to a solicitor to do however. I spent 100 hours on my father's estate and it can be very time consuming

All they have do do is politely mention that they would like 'item x', if that was possible. Marching in and taking it is not an option- things need to be valued for probate, just for starters.
BoudecaBains · 13/12/2021 10:37

"Where there's a will, there's a relative" , so true.

Aprilx · 13/12/2021 10:40

@danettehealy

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. To be clear; we have set up an (encrypted) account for all beneficiaries to communicate. I suggested a monthly update - to which everyone responded was sufficient. After all; the executor has to act in the interest of the estate and beneficiaries. There are solicitors also involved (now), but all questions seem to fall to us (both executors) regarding money/timeline. As mentioned; someone who is pregnant has asked twice a week what's happening. There is literally nothing new to report. As also mentioned; we haven't even been able to have a funeral yet (as we are yet to determine the true cause of death) - so to bypass solicitors - and to keep badgering about money is really tasteless - and that was before we found out that items were being taken from the home! Even emotions aside regarding the nature of the death; the behaviour has been shocking.
I am currently the executor of a will and I have no wish to engage with the beneficiaries whatsoever. They clearly manipulated the person and it is what it is, but I don’t want to talk to them. The solicitor has therefore told them that all communication is via him. I would suggest you do the same.

If the beneficiaries are happy with a monthly update then that is all that matters, but personally don’t think it has to be on a schedule, I think updates should be as and when required. I don’t understand what you mean by monthly update “After all”.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 13/12/2021 10:40

Be very careful about distributing any gifts before you know what the estate's debts are. If the debts exceed the assets, you may need to sell them, even if they are of low value, to pay the debts. If there is a list of bequests of sentimental value, find them and keep them safe, so that you can reassure beneficiaries that that will get them, assuming that the executors are able to distribute them.

Original poster
danettehealy · 13/12/2021 10:41

In addition; if there was anything of worth to report - we would have. Whilst it has been a month; it's bizarre to me that people could act like this before we've even been able to have a funeral. We informed the beneficiaries because it was the right thing to do given the role. But when there is nothing new to report; to be asked about money/timeline twice-weekly is really tacky. Also; to imply to the executors that a person can't 'make plans' until the money comes in - is very classless. The money should be a a nice addition to someone's life - not a necessity that you can't live without.

To take items that need to valued as part of the estate - is just plain wrong.

Also; any requests have been noted - and if there are items that people would like; that is of course; their prerogative to ask/request.

But the behaviour has been extreme in my opinion. Just sticking to the facts. I know the road ahead is long - and in truth; I'm looking forward to wrapping this all up.

OP posts:
LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 10:42

@danettehealy

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. To be clear; we have set up an (encrypted) account for all beneficiaries to communicate. I suggested a monthly update - to which everyone responded was sufficient. After all; the executor has to act in the interest of the estate and beneficiaries. There are solicitors also involved (now), but all questions seem to fall to us (both executors) regarding money/timeline. As mentioned; someone who is pregnant has asked twice a week what's happening. There is literally nothing new to report. As also mentioned; we haven't even been able to have a funeral yet (as we are yet to determine the true cause of death) - so to bypass solicitors - and to keep badgering about money is really tasteless - and that was before we found out that items were being taken from the home! Even emotions aside regarding the nature of the death; the behaviour has been shocking.
Honestly?

From what I have seen so far in my family/relatives etc... this is prety standard behaviour.

People help themselves for many reasons (such as fearing a very personal item will just disappear or because they want first dabs)

People are reliant on the will to come through quickly for financial reasons. Or sometimes, they are actually very relucntant to go through because it's opening another minefield for them so they will witholding information/signatures etc....

Dealing with inheritance is always a stressful time ime and I think it's naive to expect anything else.

tenthavenue · 13/12/2021 10:44

@Happy1982ish

Oh I see You weren’t with him

A large estate
Likely they just want to ensure that all running smoothly
It can be fiendishly complicated

'oh I see' ?? who tf are you?
NautilusLionfish · 13/12/2021 10:44

@danettehealy

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. To be clear; we have set up an (encrypted) account for all beneficiaries to communicate. I suggested a monthly update - to which everyone responded was sufficient. After all; the executor has to act in the interest of the estate and beneficiaries. There are solicitors also involved (now), but all questions seem to fall to us (both executors) regarding money/timeline. As mentioned; someone who is pregnant has asked twice a week what's happening. There is literally nothing new to report. As also mentioned; we haven't even been able to have a funeral yet (as we are yet to determine the true cause of death) - so to bypass solicitors - and to keep badgering about money is really tasteless - and that was before we found out that items were being taken from the home! Even emotions aside regarding the nature of the death; the behaviour has been shocking.
Am so sorry that on top of the shock and grief you have to deal with this.

So much good advice here already. I was going to suggest the encrypted email but you've done that. Well done. What would pregnant lady have done if your friend hadn't died. Was her pregnancy plan dependent on someone/your friend dying? Disgraceful behaviour

ToughTittyWhompus · 13/12/2021 10:50

Anyone who’s taken items from the home needs to be reported to the police. It’s stealing.

Those items could have been willed to someone specific.

saoirse31 · 13/12/2021 10:50

When you agree to take role as executor you have a certain number of legal requirements to carry out. You are also the only real contact for beneficiaries to contact. I think yabu to expect that no one will contact you and also I'd suggest remembering that you don't know people's circumstances and should try and hide your judgements that they're tacky etc.

edification · 13/12/2021 10:52

Sorry for your loss. There is mercenaryness & there's also anxiety about being reassured that one person (and they could suspect you of this not unreasonably) isn't holding all the strings and siphoning off various items not in the will in a vulturous manner. I would seek to reassure all the family that it is being dealt with in the proper way & that hopefully no one is going and plundering things, depending on how many people could have copies of keys?! Could you change the locks?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/12/2021 10:56

I'd message those asking with something like

"The other executor and I will update you once we have been through probate. I am certain X will gave considered all financial matters, however I appreciate there may be some low value items which hold incredible sentimental value to you that he may not have considered. If there is something you have in mind along these lines, let me know, and if it is not covered in his will, I will get in touch about it"

ethelredonagoodday · 13/12/2021 10:57

So sorry for your loss OP. My Dad died a month ago and my DB and I are executors and joint beneficiaries. We have passed it all to a solicitor and will be letting her deal with it all. In time, if rellies/friends would like to pick a keepsake then that's fine, but there's a process to be gone through... as others have said, the estate needs to be valued first and it can't be valued if people have bloody nicked off with stuff! I despair.

adollopofthisandthat · 13/12/2021 11:01

People can behave disgustingly in this situation - at my grandfather's funeral we had to prevent some family members from going through his wardrobe Shock...I saw it with my own eyes or I wouldn't have believed it.

As others have said a brief update saying "probate is ongoing" is all you need to provide, anyone genuine will understand. Poor you having to deal with this as well as his death Flowers

Eddielzzard · 13/12/2021 11:07

This can take years. I would tell the pregnant lady that she shouldn't count on anything for at least the next year and you'll let her know when payment is imminent. As for going to the house and rifling through stuff, I'd put up a message on the board saying you don't condone this and it's really not on. If they continue you will be forced to change the locks.

CheddarGorgeous · 13/12/2021 11:08

I can see both sides. It's been a month and they know nothing more than they did when this person first died. People are naturally curious and also have their own issues. An inheritance could be life changing for some.

If you don't feel up to the task then delegate it. Send an email every week to pre-empt queries.

Is the house/property secure and insured?

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 11:11

@Eddielzzard

This can take years. I would tell the pregnant lady that she shouldn't count on anything for at least the next year and you'll let her know when payment is imminent. As for going to the house and rifling through stuff, I'd put up a message on the board saying you don't condone this and it's really not on. If they continue you will be forced to change the locks.
I wouldn't message, I would just change the locks. The executor is personally responsible for all of the estate until it is distributed and the estate can pay reasonable costs to ensure this eg to cover heating insurance and so on. If anyone asks about the lock change the executor can tell them this and ask how they knew the locks had been changed :)
godmum56 · 13/12/2021 11:12

@CheddarGorgeous

I can see both sides. It's been a month and they know nothing more than they did when this person first died. People are naturally curious and also have their own issues. An inheritance could be life changing for some.

If you don't feel up to the task then delegate it. Send an email every week to pre-empt queries.

Is the house/property secure and insured?

but if there is nothing to tell and all the intersted parties have been told that they will get information when there is some, its a bit like kids in a car saying "are we there yet?"
starfishmummy · 13/12/2021 11:21

I guess it depends what they are asking for. If it's a small memento of no value or a photo then fair enough, but the possessions are part of the estate so should be divided up according to the will. So if he's left everything to Great Uncle Bulgaria its Great Uncle Bulgaria who will decide who gets what If anything. If there's any value to his stuff then the executors probably need to get a formal.valuation.

I'd just tell them that the will is going through probate and until that is done nothing can be given away, but that you will make a note of their request

CheddarGorgeous · 13/12/2021 11:28

It's a bit like kids in a car saying "are we there yet?"

Yes it is, but it's human nature! You can either sit back and expect people to change (spoiler: they won't) or you can be proactive.

Given OP will be dealing with the beneficiaries for months and years to come it makes sense to get them on her side. Proactive communication (even if there's very little to communicate) is an easy way to do that.

Starcup · 13/12/2021 11:35

I remember somewhere I used to work, a lot coming in about 10.15 to my office asking when she can get access to the funds in her mothers accounts.

A reasonable question, but not when her mother had only died at 5.30am that morning!! I just had a cold shiver down my body thinking, most people would be in bits right now and all you’re bothered about is her money…. Grim

Starcup · 13/12/2021 11:36

a woman

julieca · 13/12/2021 11:51

Three days after he died is awful.

I would simply say to everyone that until the executors have met, you cant say anything else. And that you plan to inform all beneficiaries by the end of January. No items can be given away as they will belong to the beneficiaries. But if there are any non-valuable but sentimental items they want, please let me know by email at the beginning of February.
That gives you time to grieve and deal with it. Don't rush probate either. Do it in a timescale that suits you.

Double3xposure · 13/12/2021 11:52

@Starcup

I remember somewhere I used to work, a lot coming in about 10.15 to my office asking when she can get access to the funds in her mothers accounts.

A reasonable question, but not when her mother had only died at 5.30am that morning!! I just had a cold shiver down my body thinking, most people would be in bits right now and all you’re bothered about is her money…. Grim

To be fair, maybe she needed access to the funds to pay her mothers rent / bills for that month . Or to arrange the funeral.

If her mother had been unwell, there might be a pile of letters demanding payments for unpaid utilities etc

These costs need to come out of the estate and not everyone has enough money to pay it themselves upfront and reclaim it.