Beneficiaries already in touch.

[danettehealy]

Hi all,

My friend/former partner passed away a month ago. We were not married at any point - and remained on good terms for many years.

I am the executor of his will - something which I always knew about - even when we remained friends. The other executor is a mutual friend from our circle.

I have already had three people ask me to see the will (not for funeral purposes) - and if not exactly/directly that question - they have asked 'what's happening next?!' repeatedly. I feel totally out of it as his death was rather traumatising and questions such as 'Can I have this/that?' seem totally out of line. Someone asked for specific items three days after his passing.

The other executor and I haven't informed any beneficiaries yet - because we've yet to go through the whole probate process. When would be the 'right' time to inform them? Also, AIBU to be massively offended by the behaviour of some people?! I suspect it is because the estate is extremely large.

Tbh I think contacting you after a month isn’t a short time after his death.

And many many times, things have ‘disappeared’ within days after the death of a person, meaning that objects that had personal meanings vanished.

I would have hoped that as the executor, you could have let people know about a rough ideas of what is in the will.

Sorry for the death of your friend. People deal with loss in all kinds of strange ways, so the beneficiaries aren't doing anything wrong as such. As the executor you are the 'go to' person for any of these enquiries. But in your position if it is all becoming too much I would step down from the role and let the co-executor take over.

To be honest, one of the roles of executor is communication. If you haven't applied for probate a month after their death that does sound fairly slow and they are not wrong to wonder what's happening. The will shouldn't be a secret. In fact wills are a matter of public record after probate and you can find them online.

I'm sorry for your loss and it must be hard at such an emotional time, but the role of executor is a big responsibility and it must be frustrating for family members that they don't know what's going on.

If the deceased loved these people, and I assume he did, then be as kind and transparent as possible. If it's too much, step down.

Here in Scotland it takes around 3 months to get confirmation of a will.
It does seem a little strange that no steps have been taken to get the process moving after a month.

Perhaps the beneficiaries are concerned about the lack of action and want the official process to start to ensure their relatives wishes are honoured.

All other issues aside unless you are a lawyer if it's a very large estate you can defer executors to lawyers which is what I did. Much easier and less stressful and everything is calculated properly- iht etc

I am sorry for your loss OP . I have administered my late father's will recently, and it can be stressful. however, probate can now be requested online, which makes things a lot easier. There will always be people who are a bit grabby (I had a request for my dad's television a week after he died from someone he did not see often and did not really like). Draft a standard email that states that nothing is going anywhere before probate is granted (be polite), and that you will determine gifts and share the will after this point. I would then set out in writing how you will approach the admin with your fellow executor and all of the major beneficiaries. As you will no doubt be aware, anyone can see a will after probate as it is a public document.

If you aren’t sharing information I understand their asking.

We've had a nightmare after deaths because the Executor wasn't up to the job. You can stand down. A month is long enough.

Due to the nature of his passing (we are still trying to get to the bottom of what happened) we haven't been able to move forward - and the beneficiaries (obviously) know this - because the both the other executor and I communicated this. (We are waiting on a toxicology report). There is no information that is being withheld, but the questions largely revolve around money - and ultimately how soon they could see said monies. One person (who is pregnant has already asked for any potential money to be sent to her ASAP - stating her pregnancy being why she asked).

I do agree with the poster who said there's no harm in asking for a little trinket/item - maybe something meaningful to the person requesting it. This actually happened in my own family when my Grandmother passed. My mother asked for a particular cooking spoon (which was nothing special, but the spoon my Grandmother used when measuring spices). My mother and Grandmother cooked together very often. Of course; no one objected to my mother wanting the spoon. This was 10 months after my Grandmother passed.

So I can indeed see both sides of the coin.

In this case; we had people try to enter the house (not immediate family) and take artwork (to name one thing) - which is just insane to me!

If you're not up to dealing with it, instruct a solicitor. I used to work for a Probate Solicitor and they will gather all the information in for Probate, apply for it, gather in assets and distribute. We're going back 20 years, but it was normal for us to contact beneficiaries within a few days of been instructed and keep them up to date.

I know it's not easy for you right now, but the beneficiaries have been left money because someone cared about them/thought a lot of them. If it were me, I'd want them to know quite soon they were going to inherit so they could have the benefit right from the start.

YANBU. But some people can be vultures.

When my uncle’s dad died, my uncle’s sister was round at her dad’s house picking up stuff whilst my uncle was still at the hospice talking to the nurses. Absolutely ransacked the place for everything of value, sentimental and otherwise.

Some people have not respect or decorum when it comes to wills and money. I wonder how "in touch" these enquirers were during your friends living years.
I get somewhat reminded of hyenas and vultures picking over a carcass in these situations, travelling from afar but rarely seen unless there a pickings!

I had an elderly neighbour who we were friendly with and supported. With no children his relatives were rarely seen or in touch until he passed away and they were very much in the picture then as the estate was dispersed. It was sad to see that he was more treasured dead than alive by them.

I think you have to be upfront and say that the whole process may take about a year as there will be debts that the estate needs to settle etc.

Ok, given your update I’d suggest you send a letter to all beneficiaries stating that until coroner etc sorted you are unable to move forward with probate and that no items are to be removed from the house (I’m shocked someone tried that!!). Explain that probate on average takes x months but due to size and complexity of estate you anticipate it will take x months more and that there is no way to speed up the process so they are just going to have to be patient. Be calm, fair and firm (& use easy language as sounds like they’re not going to be too au fait with legal jargon etc!).

I am executor for a few people including parents. Its a very important role and you can held liable personally if you decide to ignore the will, give out things in advance etc (not suggesting that you will do this!).

Most people have little practise of being an executor - including me so as all the estates I will be dealing with are complex I am going to use a solicitor to stand alongside me and help with queries.

Yes, some people are grabby. Money does that to people especially as its free.

Why don’t you just instruct a solicitor ? You said the deceased was wealthy so surely there’s enough money in the estate to cover the cost.

It sounds very stressful for you.

I think beneficiaries are entitled to see the will quite quickly they are named on it. Why not hand some of the work over to a solicitor as you seem too emotionally involved to deal with it. Its an administrative task that needs to be dealt with or passed on to somebody else.,

‘ And folks have a right to ask.’
No, they don’t.

People may be insatiably curious. Of course they may ask, but they do not have a right to inquire or know.

Executors have a stringent role to play: to carry out the wishes of the deceased as stated in their will. It takes time & attention to detail.

Do not be cajoled or pressured into stepping outside the remit of an Executors’s purpose.

Other MNetters in the business know better than I do about this point, but it is OK inform beneficiaries that they have been mentioned & if possible the legacy may be disposed of to them at earliest opportunity. If the legacy is financial, then the sums are dispersed as & when the estate is settled.

After beneficiaries are informed, if people are curious, tell them that all beneficiaries have been informed & no further discussion is possible.

How long does probate normally take? I'm an executor for my father's estate, there are solicitors dealing with it but I'm now being pestered by my brother about when money might be released. I'm not too impressed as the subtext seems to be that he's glad my father died so he can get his hands on the money, but I suppose I'll have to answer at some point.

Vultures. I'd tell them all to piss off, in a polite way. You need to take stock and work it all out according to will, and fairly. I'd say yes to trinkets, but any sign of piss-take greedy CFery and it's a NO. Awful behaviour.

IMO it’s reasonable to let beneficiaries know what they’ll be entitled to, while emphasising that it could be many months before the process is complete. As for people helping themselves to items, changing the locks might not be a bad idea.
After a SiL’s GM died, relatives were invited to choose something from the house. The wife of a grandson - so not a blood relative - promptly charged in and helped herself to all the jewellery!

I’m pleased to say they made her give it all back.

Not that informing them of their entitlement will necessarily stop them pushing/being grabby. Dh was a joint executor for an aunt of mine - an uncomplicated estate but of course it still took time. We had a Canadian cousin come to visit and almost bang the table, demanding
to know. ‘…what’s going on with this money!’ As if dh and the other executor were up to no good!

Needless to say, if the arsehole ever wants to visit again, we will be unavailable.

Instruct a solicitor and give everyone the solicitors details. It'll save you a lot of hassle.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm very sorry for your loss, danettehealy, and yes I thought it would be money they're after. As you say, genuine hoped-for keepsakes are one thing, but money brings out the real ugliness

If you're feeling mischievous you could tell them there's a clause in the will saying that anyone who badgers will lose their bequest, but the sensible and much safer option is just to say nothing will be sorted until after probate

we had people try to enter the house (not immediate family) and take artwork (to name one thing)

Does the will include a list of specific items bequeathed to particular individuals?

I am really sorry for your loss. It is hard when am ex partner dies as you still have the feeling of loss but also guilt as to why you are feeling it when you weren't together anymore.

I've been named executor in a couple of wills and I'm dreading this. However, I'm not sure that the fact that the coronor is involved changes the fact that you have to apply for probate. Unless one of the beneficiaries is suspected of killing him?