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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Beneficiaries already in touch.

171 replies

danettehealy · 13/12/2021 08:03

Hi all,

My friend/former partner passed away a month ago. We were not married at any point - and remained on good terms for many years.

I am the executor of his will - something which I always knew about - even when we remained friends. The other executor is a mutual friend from our circle.

I have already had three people ask me to see the will (not for funeral purposes) - and if not exactly/directly that question - they have asked 'what's happening next?!' repeatedly. I feel totally out of it as his death was rather traumatising and questions such as 'Can I have this/that?' seem totally out of line. Someone asked for specific items three days after his passing.

The other executor and I haven't informed any beneficiaries yet - because we've yet to go through the whole probate process. When would be the 'right' time to inform them? Also, AIBU to be massively offended by the behaviour of some people?! I suspect it is because the estate is extremely large.

OP posts:

redastherose · 13/12/2021 11:56

As PP's have said until you have Probate you won't be able to disperse anything out of the Estate. Make sure that you have all keys to the property (if there is one) and if you are unsure if other relatives have keys then arrange to change the locks. You are responsible for keeping the Estate intact until you can have everything valued and distributed in accordance with his wishes under the Will.

Also the phrase 'until we have Probate we can't do anything and that will take quite some time' on repeat.

Lorw · 13/12/2021 12:01

He’s not even in the ground yet so yes it is a bit tasteless to keep asking about his money 😩

Starcup · 13/12/2021 12:02

**To be fair, maybe she needed access to the funds to pay her mothers rent / bills for that month . Or to arrange the funeral.

If her mother had been unwell, there might be a pile of letters demanding payments for unpaid utilities etc

These costs need to come out of the estate and not everyone has enough money to pay it themselves upfront and reclaim it**

I would agree with some of that but she was known to us and I know that’s not the case. Totally understand questions funds fit the funeral and they are funds that can be realised before everything else is sorted out but that wasn’t even her question.

Also when someone dies, the onus isn’t on their offspring to pay bills. A quick call to the company to explain her mum had passed away would be sufficient enough to stop companies sending letters. Sometimes it can be months and months before funds are released, if it goes to probate.

Starcup · 13/12/2021 12:03

totally understand questions regarding the funeral I mean

HerbertChops · 13/12/2021 12:22

That’s awful, would use the private message facility you set up for generic ‘probate is ongoing’ messages and probably something along the lines of ‘nothing will happen prior to the funeral, solicitors estimating 3-4m minimum’, to try and get the repeat requests to stop. Inform police of people removing things from the property.

Horrible grabby people around, I understand people requesting mementoes that are special to them but even that should wait until the funeral has been arranged.

My auntie died and my mum was executor. I went with my mum to my aunties house on the afternoon she died and the next door neighbour was on the doorstep before we’d even got in the door asking if they could have her sofa, as they liked it and knew she’d only bought it a few months before (they actually stood there and said that). Neighbour had also previously agreed with my auntie that they’d take on her dog (it was a mutual agreement, they both agreed they’d take the other one’s dog - same small breed - in the event either died) but no, didn’t want the dog anymore only wanted the sofa.

HelloDaisy · 13/12/2021 12:25

It’s a hard situation. As others have said just keep saying that you will tell them in due course as sorting probate but nothing will be thrown out before then.

I’ve been on both sides. When my dad died his wife gave all his clothes etc to charity the next day so we haven’t got anything of his to remember him. I would have liked to have been asked if we wanted anything.

Then when my mum died her new partner took lots of stuff from her house, they weren’t living together but he had a key. He was in and out all the time even up in the loft and I was unable to stop him as too deep in shock and grief. He was probably looking for her will as he then said I should simply give him her house as she would have wanted me to! Dh and his dad went over one night and changed the locks to stop him taking anymore. Despicable man, haven’t spoken to him since…

HelloDaisy · 13/12/2021 12:31

Think my post doesn’t read as clearly as I thought! Mum had only been with him for 6 months so nothing long term at all.

irene9 · 13/12/2021 12:32

Set up a new gmail account named with the estate name and direct all queries in there. Both yourself and the other executor can have the password.
Don't have emails coming into your personal account about it.

Coffeepot72 · 13/12/2021 12:35

OP, I can’t decide if you’re simply too upset to be executor (understandable) or just being a bit stubborn. It’s been a month, why can’t you communicate with the beneficiaries? I think using a solicitor would be a far better option.

mindutopia · 13/12/2021 12:48

It's awful. My half-brother had already booked in to discuss with the solicitor what he would get and needed me to confirm the appointment (we were joint NOK, no will) before he'd returned the call to the hospital to release our dad's body to the funeral home, which I'd be asking he did so we could get on with funeral arrangements.

Ariann · 13/12/2021 12:53

The vultures are circling.

I was executor for a friend of mine, a woman. We knew each other for years and I had worked for her in the past. She had no living relatives except some cousins on her dead husband's side. They appeared at the house two days after she died "to visit".
When they had gone, I noticed that she had taken her jewelery - her wedding and engagement rings without telling me.
People can be really, really bad.

rainyskylight · 13/12/2021 13:01

I think you need to get on with the job..

CheddarGorgeous · 13/12/2021 13:01

@irene9

Set up a new gmail account named with the estate name and direct all queries in there. Both yourself and the other executor can have the password. Don't have emails coming into your personal account about it.

This is a very good idea.

freelions · 13/12/2021 13:06

The only way to stop the asking is to clearly communicate a plan and proposed timeline to those who are named in the will

If people are making requests about low value but sentimental items then you and the other executor need to decide if the request is reasonable and whether you think the deceased would have wanted the said item to go to the person asking or not

I can understand it is stressful and upsetting but I don't think it is reasonable to provide no information whatsoever until probate is complete

If certain individuals are behaving like CFs and you know they are not people the deceased would want benefitting from his demise then just respond to their requests with a firm No!

Jacopo · 13/12/2021 13:11

As you now have solicitors involved you should ask them for an estimate of how it will all take. If, as you say, the estate is a large one you can expect it to be a year at least. Get the solicitors to put an estimate in writing of how long it will all take and send a copy of that to those who are asking.
And change all the locks.

Netty909 · 13/12/2021 13:12

I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think it’s appropriate to keep asking before the funeral has taken place. You don’t have to keep updating now that the solicitors are involved, that’s their job. If it’s empty, I’d probably check the insurance details on the property and turn the water off etc if you have not done so. Put valuable items somewhere safe.

I remember there was an old 70s episode of Steptoe and Son about a funeral, it’s meant to be funny but probably more than a few grains of truth in it for some.

Take care.

Chocolatehamper · 13/12/2021 13:23

Unless your friend was the father of the as yet unborn child, I really don't see what the pregnant woman's urgency is?
If he didn't get her pregnant, surely she had finances in place to deal with it. She didn't know he was going to die and couldn't rely on any inheritance in that case, could she?

ChicCroissant · 13/12/2021 13:23

@Coffeepot72

Have you been an executor? If so, you'd know that you need probate to sort the estate so until that's been granted there is nothing happening! They haven't even been able to have the funeral yet. A solicitor won't make any difference to that.

I've also had people ringing weekly asking for money. Being an executor is a shit job and grabby relatives (regardless of the excuse they give for asking) make it a lot worse for you.

If people have keys to the house OP, changing the locks would be a good idea. You'll need to value the estate which you can start to do when you are ready and which will include the items already taken by people. If it is a large estate as you say, you won't be able to apply for any of the funds without the grant of probate and a copy of the death certificate (or the interim certificate for the funeral). A bank may release funds to pay for the funeral costs. Hope it goes smoothly from here and sorry for your loss OP.

Pipsquiggle · 13/12/2021 13:27

Sounds like you are doing the right things with setting up an encrypted communication channel with the beneficiaries.

The only thing I could suggest is giving an approximate timeline, if you know it or using an example for of how long it takes to distribute large estates so there's no point bugging you every week

For instance the lady who is pregnant maybe wanting to move house, however, if she knew that this sort of stuff can take well over a year she can then decide either to stay where she is or carry on regardless.

My MIL got a large inheritance, however, it took well over 18 months from the relative dying to her receiving a cheque

LittleMissUnreasonable · 13/12/2021 13:31

When I lost a parent at 17, the unofficial will (written in back of a diary) was whipped away by one of the executors who got the wrong end of the stick and told people incorrectly.

So the diary said that a particular aunt and uncle were to look after me until 18. This particular uncle was also made the second executor. Both executors were to get £1000 for their troubles on top of the inheritance due. Uncle was pretty useless and made it clear I couldn't live with them as my school was too far away (4 miles). I had someone take over but Uncle was insistent on his £1000. Everytime I saw them I got guilt tripped by the aunt "thank you for my money, but DH hasn't had his yet, such a shame ...". So Uncle thought pestering a 17yo girl who had no fixed address and lost her parent for £1000 for a job he never did was a good idea. . Uncles company is worth over half a million, and they are not short of money. Needless to say the greedy bastard never got "his money" and I'm very low contact now with both.

Seashell1234 · 13/12/2021 13:33

People can be appalling in this situation. I was executor for a distant relative. He left a tiny amount but I was bombarded by his neighbours claiming that he'd promised them this and that (all the same things), nonetheless.

Nevertime · 13/12/2021 13:39

I am actually LOL at the idea that using a solicitor (which OP is doing) will speed things up. It would help OP enormously, but IME solicitors aren't in any hurry to distribute an estate.

Happy1982ish · 13/12/2021 13:48

Simply say all enquiries to be directed to the solicitor

FestiveFruitloop · 13/12/2021 13:58

I was going to say the same thing. I can see why people would want to know. Some of them may be greedy vultures, but some of them may have been very close and helpful to your deceased friend, and have a right to know if anything is coming their way. The more secretive you are, the more demanding people will be.

A right? That's a very transactional way of looking at it.

OP, this would put my nose out of joint as well, especially people asking for specific items. Even if they're doing it because they want keepsakes, it's too soon and I'd find it insensitive/entitled.

Motheroftigers · 13/12/2021 14:04

I understand where you are coming from. However with your role as executor you are responsible for knowing what will happen next. And folks have a right to ask

You have took on an official role, so whilst you may be traumatised you still have to honour what you said you would do. If you cant do it - pass it on to the other person.

I have had experience where a beneficiary totally fucked family about making the whole process a lot worse/complicated than it should have been. I honestly think they thought people wouldn't ask and they would end up with everything themselves.

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