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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Beneficiaries already in touch.

171 replies

danettehealy · 13/12/2021 08:03

Hi all,

My friend/former partner passed away a month ago. We were not married at any point - and remained on good terms for many years.

I am the executor of his will - something which I always knew about - even when we remained friends. The other executor is a mutual friend from our circle.

I have already had three people ask me to see the will (not for funeral purposes) - and if not exactly/directly that question - they have asked 'what's happening next?!' repeatedly. I feel totally out of it as his death was rather traumatising and questions such as 'Can I have this/that?' seem totally out of line. Someone asked for specific items three days after his passing.

The other executor and I haven't informed any beneficiaries yet - because we've yet to go through the whole probate process. When would be the 'right' time to inform them? Also, AIBU to be massively offended by the behaviour of some people?! I suspect it is because the estate is extremely large.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/12/2021 09:42

As for people helping themselves to items, changing the locks might not be a bad idea

Actually, changing the locks when someone's died is almost always a good idea - not least because there's often no way of knowing exactly who has keys to the existing one

Xenia · 13/12/2021 09:43

The problem is they are caught between a rock and a hard place. if they wait personal items that have huge meaning to them from the house such as family photos might have been throw out so they have to mention it early to ensure those things are preserved.

You might want to send them all a photo copy of the will by email for a start as it will be a public document anyway in due course.

You may want to pass everything to a solicitor to do however. I spent 100 hours on my father's estate and it can be very time consuming

Flowers500 · 13/12/2021 09:43

It’s your role unfortunately.

I’d set up a dedicated email for this and ask people to contact it with any questions or comments. I’d send everyone an email saying that nothing is happening at the moment, process will be followed and nothing from the estate will be touched for now. They’re rightly worried that the lack of communication could mean the estate is stripped of they sat back respectfully.

burnoutbabe · 13/12/2021 09:52

I'd pass the whole lot over to a solicitor - it doesn't sound like you are inheritining anything so no particular reason to save costs and do it yourself.

PopUpShop · 13/12/2021 09:57

If someone is courteously expressing a fondness for something as a memento, knowing you wouldn't know it was special to them, I think that's ok

I think this is fine too.

Constance1 · 13/12/2021 10:02

Honestly OP it's very kind of you to agree to be executor but this sounds like a very complicated situation, with no particular benefit to you. If there is a lot of money in the estate, then why not appoint a solicitor to deal with all of this?

BigYellowHat · 13/12/2021 10:02

How awful! I just wouldn’t have the nerve. Real friends wouldn’t do this.

Benmac · 13/12/2021 10:06

The only people entitled to see the will are beneficiaries. When probate has been granted it is a public document and anyone can apply for a copy from the probate office.
Creditors have 6 months to lodge claims. None of the estate should be distributed until at least then.
Tell everyone you have to comply with the rules. You cannot discuss the estate or give things away at this stage.
.

Hizz · 13/12/2021 10:06

Do not give anything to anyone until you are ready to distribute the estate.
Make sure no-one has access to his home or belongings.
Probate need not take months but you have plenty of time and don't need to rush.
Even with a large estate it's possible to do it yourself. A solicitor will take much, much longer and will still require you to do most of the donkey work. However the cost will come from the estate and you are entitled to do that.

Bathshebahardy · 13/12/2021 10:08

I think an executor should inform the relevant people that they are beneficiaries (or not). After that they can be told it will take time for probate to be granted and, if there is a house to be sold, it could be over a year.
People are posting here about sentimental items being thrown out when a house is cleared. I have had experience of grabby relatives taking what they wanted from a widow and have no sympathy with people chasing for stuff after a death.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 13/12/2021 10:11

If it's a big estate you really should instruct a solicitor, there may be all sorts of complications to do with tax etc.

Beautiful3 · 13/12/2021 10:14

@thepastisanothercountry I'm sorry this happened to you. We went through something similar when my mum died. My sister came to stay with our dad the next day. She stole many items (including jewellery) and cash and left. My dad was beside himself. Awful. It's amazing how some people behave when it comes to money.

Op I'd tell people that you will let them all know when probate goes through. Make a list of things people are asking for, and say that you'll see if its possible, and will let them know.

Alpinechalet · 13/12/2021 10:15

Phrases you might find useful:
Legally only the executors and their legal representatives are able to see the will before probate is granted. Note: it’s not illegal to show others the will, but you don’t have to.

They call it the Executors year for a reason. The estate will not be distributed before probate is granted and that can take a year or more.

We (as Executors) will not be dealing with the estate until after the funeral. If there is a specific momento you want let us know.

I know these are quite firm statements but they stop arguments.

Personally I think sending an email upfront to all beneficiaries explaining the above and then one every 2/3 months updating them on progress can help manage expectations.

DaisyNGO · 13/12/2021 10:16

@burnoutbabe

I'd pass the whole lot over to a solicitor - it doesn't sound like you are inheritining anything so no particular reason to save costs and do it yourself.

Even if you are inheriting, I'd pass it to a solicitor And also send a message saying "I can't cope with vultures".

Sorry for your loss

Nevertime · 13/12/2021 10:16

This is really hard on all parties. My dad is one of 5 not very close brothers. When their dad died, it didn't occur to Dad to ask about the estate, but by the time he was formally involved, all the personal items had already gone. There were some small valueless things from his childhood he would have liked and I know he regrets not having asked earlier.

It's never going to be an easy conversation, but soon after the funeral is probably the right time?

astoundedgoat · 13/12/2021 10:19

It sounds like you're handling a lot, but after a month you need to be communicating with people. It's not unreasonable to ask at this point if you had expectations of something in the will.

If nothing else, you should be informing people of the timeline.

SockFluffInTheBath · 13/12/2021 10:19

I’m sorry for your loss OP. There’s nothing like a will to bring out people’s true colours. When my dad died lots of people had keys and they basically stripped the place before he was cold. I’d suggest changing the locks to keep the vultures out.

SeasonFinale · 13/12/2021 10:21

@MissBattleaxe

To be honest, one of the roles of executor is communication. If you haven't applied for probate a month after their death that does sound fairly slow and they are not wrong to wonder what's happening. The will shouldn't be a secret. In fact wills are a matter of public record after probate and you can find them online.

I'm sorry for your loss and it must be hard at such an emotional time, but the role of executor is a big responsibility and it must be frustrating for family members that they don't know what's going on.

If the deceased loved these people, and I assume he did, then be as kind and transparent as possible. If it's too much, step down.

This ^^^

HollowTalk · 13/12/2021 10:22

In this case; we had people try to enter the house (not immediate family) and take artwork (to name one thing)

I think the police should have been called over that.

SuperSange · 13/12/2021 10:24

Is their house secure? Nobody can just let themselves in and take stuff?

AndreaC74 · 13/12/2021 10:26

@Constance1

Once you start the process of dealing with an estate, say registering a death or closing a bank account, you've started the process of being an executor, i tried it but because i'd registered the death and informed utilies etc i couldn't back out when things got awkward.

idreamoftotoro · 13/12/2021 10:27

Sorry for your loss.

We’ve had a similar situation. The first thing we did was change the locks and install cctv. Unfortunately much was stolen before my relative died but we stopped any more being taken. You don’t know who has keys.

Original poster

danettehealy · 13/12/2021 10:29

Thanks for all your advice and thoughts. To be clear; we have set up an (encrypted) account for all beneficiaries to communicate. I suggested a monthly update - to which everyone responded was sufficient. After all; the executor has to act in the interest of the estate and beneficiaries. There are solicitors also involved (now), but all questions seem to fall to us (both executors) regarding money/timeline. As mentioned; someone who is pregnant has asked twice a week what's happening. There is literally nothing new to report. As also mentioned; we haven't even been able to have a funeral yet (as we are yet to determine the true cause of death) - so to bypass solicitors - and to keep badgering about money is really tasteless - and that was before we found out that items were being taken from the home! Even emotions aside regarding the nature of the death; the behaviour has been shocking.

OP posts:

Bagamoyo1 · 13/12/2021 10:32

@LaurieFairyCake

Could you be pro active and send all the beneficiaries a copy of the will and tell them you have/are applying for probate but that it takes many months to come through?

Wills shouldn't be a secret - much easier to just tell everyone

I was going to say the same thing. I can see why people would want to know. Some of them may be greedy vultures, but some of them may have been very close and helpful to your deceased friend, and have a right to know if anything is coming their way. The more secretive you are, the more demanding people will be.

BlueMongoose · 13/12/2021 10:33

@HideousKinky

we had people try to enter the house (not immediate family) and take artwork (to name one thing)

Does the will include a list of specific items bequeathed to particular individuals?

Even if it did, and they had been left a specific picture by name, they have no right to take it until after probate has been granted, of course. Also, it would have to be valued for probate if it was more than just some cheap affair.

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