£300 on Xmas presents?

[TuesdaySmoozday]

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

Your definitely not being unreasonable.

I also think the pocket money could be a way round it. Definitely not right that two kids are spoilt rotten and the other two aren't.

Why does she get to set the limit on birthday gifts? Seriously that's quite something, my dh would quite rightly tell me to bugger off as I would him. My daughter had driving lessons and a new laptop last year because she needed a laptop for online school and driving is a life skill, my sd got few little bits. It's not that she won't ever get big things but this year there was no need nor want from her so he didn't but its none of his or mine business either way! My dd have iPhone, his dd does not that's his choice that's my choice but I can assure you there's never been an atmosphere or arguing over it as we do what's right for our children at the time. If my sd wants and gets an iPhone and her dad buys it then I give the same excited reaction to that as any other present she receives. Its up to him as her parent. Even Xmas gifts are different, I do buy mine a few extra bits as I explained before but is buys a big gift and mine get less value but lots of little bits that's how this year is, we don't set budgets and we don't get annoyed if one child gets a few big things.She sounds very controlling and yet if it were the other way round I'll bet she'd want to level it up so her children weren't the ones with things that weren't as good as others

Our DC only get about £70 each!

OP use her own words back at her, she's not supporting you, she isn't working as a team, she's making a big deal out of it, she's making everything hard for you and she is the one dividing the family.

I would be straight out to those shops, buying what I wanted and if she didn't like it, tough! What's the worst that she will do OP?

This has nothing to do with sex

Of course it does. Why would you move in with someone who is holding your kids back ? Who benefits from you living with your partner ? It's not your kids which is really sad.

I guess the only options are:

1. Address it directly, tell her you'll be spending what you want to on your kids, and face the argument and silent treatment that follows while standing your ground. You will probably need to do this several times over until she gives up trying to control it;

1. Spend more through the year as needed to even the playing field a bit; or,

1. Talk to DP about increasing the budget for all the kids, if that's affordable.

Personally, if the relationship is good outside of this, I'd probably go for getting a bit more through the year, but from your posts I'm guessing DP may always keep her eye on what you're spending on them so that may not work either. Plus she will definitely notice any big items bought.

I think the only real option is number 1, but I know how hard that is if you just want to avoid conflict and you've got a moody partner. Also, I do see the point in terms of being a team and family - ideally you would want major spends to be agreed rather than one partner going against the others wishes every birthday and Christmas. But in this situation when you each have children of your own, you can't really manage it in the same way you might manage if they were all your children together.

Your partner sounds a real piece of work. You can't ensure your children are treated equally (overall) because she'll get angry and say you are a shit partner. Do you know what? I'd be getting angry right back and telling her she's a pretty shit partner herself. You have separate finances, separate kids and you'll spend what the hell you like and she can shove it up her arse if she doesn't like it.

I'm all for not over-pandering to kids but this is so starkly unfair I would be taking a stand over it. They should come first, not your shit angry, controlling girlfriend.

So your issue is the fact your partner’s ex spends a lot on his children whereas your ex (and you) don’t have as much to spend on your DC or choose not to? You can’t control how much your step-children’s Dad spends on them, that’s his choice and you can’t tell their Mum to spend less on her children because it makes you look or feel bad.

I don't think you should level up. I had two step kids and I guess they did get twice the presents mine got (my husband and I had two kids and he had two from previous marriage). But they got those presents at their mothers, so it wasn't like my kids sat there watching.
Presumably your kids get presents from your ex partner too?

@Hemingwayscatz

So your issue is the fact your partner’s ex spends a lot on his children whereas your ex (and you) don’t have as much to spend on your DC or choose not to? You can’t control how much your step-children’s Dad spends on them, that’s his choice and you can’t tell their Mum to spend less on her children because it makes you look or feel bad.

That's not the issue. The issue is that the OP isn't allowed to spend their own money on their children, not that the OP doesn't actually have money to spend.

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more

But sure this works the other way around too? Your opinion is that it does not feel nice or fair to your children that her children receive more?

Your finances are separate. So perhaps you/she could look at it that her children receive £x from their parents (however it is split) and from now on your children receive £X from their parents (however it is split).

That seems pretty fair. In total the children receive similar levels of presents from their birthparents, just the split of who pays across the three households differs slightly.

Most kids have a good sense of fairness. I'm sure they would see this as a win for all too.

I don't understand why in the 18months you haven't leveled things up. How Christmas is managed is a conversation that should have been sorted out two years ago. I don't think that it is controlling of her. You want to suddenly make a change that wouldn't go down well with your stepchildren. They should be treated the same over Christmas. So have you consistently spent less on them over the last seven years than she has on hers? How has this happened? Level up on Birthdays.

How are your children treated by their other parent at Christmas?

OP didn’t you have a similar thread quite recently? Something along the lines of your partner’s child having an iPad but she wanted you to only spend up to £100 on a tablet for your child’s birthday? Apologies if I’ve confused you with another poster but if it’s you then I think your partner is quite happy for your children to be in second place all the time!

If I’m understanding correctly, you don’t have any DC together, is that correct? And all the dc are 50/50 in each parents home? If that’s the case (and I think some posters are assuming it’s only your partners DC who are part of a “blended family”) then you are just as entitled to choose what your children get as any other father.

I could understand your partner’s concern if your spending on dc meant she had to pick up the financial slack elsewhere but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Rather she’s perfectly happy for her dc to have things that, if you follow her “rules” 🙄, your dc can never have.

I wouldn’t go along with this and expect it will breed resentment among the dc, possibly towards you too for putting your new partner before your dc.

Do your partner's children open their gifts from their father in your home?
If so I would suggest they get them when they are with him, so the difference isn't so obvious.

So, when you say a great example, is that her DC have 6 pairs of trainers each. Yours have one nice, and one scruffy pair.

Why is this? Does she not spend on her DC at all (because she doesn't have the money), and all the nice things they have come from the exH?

I initially thought you were being unreasonable but i’ve changed my mind now. I don’t see why she should set spending limits for your kids on their birthdays and Xmas.

Overall, her kids get more yet she is insisting that’s ok, but when you try and address this it’s not ok because she’s not looking at the overall situation of what the kids get from four parents but just you two in isolation.

In practice it means that actually your children are not being treated fairly, she is ensuring they are second class by insisting on these ‘equal’ spend limits which aren’t actually equal at all when all four parents are taken into account.

She does sound controlling and like she is projecting. One rule for her kids and one rule for yours she says if you try and change anything, when the reality is it IS one rule for each set of kids - with hers coming out on top in terms of bigger ticket items and better quality things. If she truly wants things to be equal how about she sets a spend limit with her ex that is on a par with your ex for what gets spent on her kids? Bet that would go down like a cold cup of sick.

Other solution - get better gifts for your kids and give them to your ex to give to them. Same goes for birthday items and other luxury goods throughout the year. That way you’re not actually giving joint gifts with her that are not equal, you’re enabling your ex to give the same as her ex. I wonder what she’d think of that solution. I’d put it to her and see what she says.

I see where your coming from but I dont think Christmas is the time to do it.
I would say spend the 300 on each child and when they need a phone next year just get them whatever phone you want ( so they have similiar level as their stepsiblings).
Similarly the new laptop for school work, new ( designer if you like) clothes when they need them. Even a new games console but mabey for birthday.
I would ask though how much of the extra stuff they get from the other parent is in your house? Because I would aim for similiar stuff within the house. So match the phones and clothes if you have the money and inclination but Christmas isnt the time to even up.

Why haven't you acknowledged the idea of just buying things throughout the year to even things up?

I can absolutely see why you can't give vastly more for Christmas/birthdays to one set of DC, they're bound to compare and feel hard done by.

There's no reason you can't just buy things throughout the year though? SDC can hardly complain yours have got a new £150 pair of trainers if they're standing there with the same pair on their own feet?!

You're making this far more complicated than it needs to be. Are you looking to start an argument with your DP? Is this about more than just Christmas spending?

I once heard a friend complain about having a smaller/cheaper pile than her half-siblings, the justification from her mum was that she'd get a massive pile at her dad's later. She was a teenager at the time, and was really hurt by it.

How do the children feel? They are your children and if they are teens, there are only a few more years to build the relationship on which your future lives are adults will be based. It also feeds into how they feel about themselves.

My children understand that they do not get as much as some of their friends but we do our best to ensure that they get what they need as well as some of what they want. If one of them wants to play an expensive sport, then some of that sports kit needs to be considered as part and parcel of the overall present picture. if they need new trainers but would prefer a branded pair rather than the pair on offer at the sports shop.. then they have to also factor that in. As it happens, we have one child who doesn't value expensive things but loves going places, so that becomes her spending pot.

The person who is undermining your partner here in terms of what the children receive, is her ex... if you and your partner do not believe that teenagers should have 4 or 5 pairs of trainers a year plus the latest iPhone.. then that is not being reflected by their step dad.

It is a really tricky situation and I do not know the answer. Would you otherwise buy them iPhones and expensive trainers? If not.. well then I think the answer is no.. and you should explain why... perhaps put some money in their savings account

@TuesdaySmoozday

I did give my parents some extra money last xmas to buy something a bit extra for my children (which made me feel very guilty and like I was doing something bad)

That caused a problem as she was upset that my parents bought my children more than her children

I think you have issues with your partner.

I can absolutely understand your desire to even things up between the kids. I would feel the same.

Like others have commented, you can buy them extras through the year. It’s also none of your partners business what your parents buy your kids.

It must be tough for your kids seeing their step siblings get so much more. While yes it’s life, if you want to even it up go ahead! I would.

You sound like a great parent and a great step parent.

I think you’re right to want to level them up a bit but I don’t see why this should be done on Xmas day? Can’t you just give them gifts throughout the year so that they have similar consoles etc to their step siblings? Rather than an awkward day opening different amounts of gifts. If you have extra budget for them then spend it, but do it on their birthday or whenever makes sense, so it’s less obvious.

@TuesdaySmoozday

I did give my parents some extra money last xmas to buy something a bit extra for my children (which made me feel very guilty and like I was doing something bad)

That caused a problem as she was upset that my parents bought my children more than her children

I think you have a relationship problem. It seems like it's her way or the highway. You are allowing your dc to be the ones to suffer. You have done real issues here. To be frank, she sounds awful. Happy to see her 2 thrive and happy to see your 2 look on sadly. This is not ok. It's not fair. She says you need fi be fair? This is not fair. You need to strap on some balls and have a bug conversation and if your partner belie your 2 going around as the poor relations is ok, I would question the whole relationship.