£300 on Xmas presents?

[TuesdaySmoozday]

My partner and I have 4 children. 2 each from previous relationships. Parenting is split 50/50. All teenagers.
So in our house we have a rule of £300 on each child for Xmas. Which I think is ok.
However, my step children's dad (my partners ex h) always has and always will absolutely spoil his children. They get a lot, and I do mean a lot, all throughout the year, nevermind Xmas and birthdays. Latest iPhone, ipads, 4 or 5 pairs of £150 trainers, lots of very nice clothes, both of the latest xbox and playstation, the list could go on.

My 2 have older games consoles, older phones, not apple products, more reasonably priced clothes.

I've suggested to my partner that we level things up a bit. And only a bit. But she says that we have to treat them all equally. I do agree with this. But it's really hard seeing the ever increasing gap between what the children have, and wear. My 2 children don't moan about it, or ask for much, or anything really. That doesn't mean that they don't notice the difference though. It's all very uneven. Which makes me feel bad. I know the emphasis there is on how I feel.

We all want our children to have nice things right? And provide for them based on what we can afford without spoiling them.

My partner is adamant that if I spend more on my 2 to level things up a bit, then she will have to spend more on her 2, which she doesn't want to do as 300 is plenty.

What do I do?

I've tried talking to my partner about it, and we both have different opinions.

I definitely need to have another conversation about it with her, but it will be difficult, and will end up with her getting angry so I'm avoiding it for the moment.

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more

But it's ok if hers receive more. Even if it comes from your parents it's not ok. So basically it's ok if hers receive things from anywhere but yours can not. Ffs grow a set and prioritise your dc. You will lose their respect and leave them with a lifetime of therapy otherwise

If you have separate money I'd choose to upgrade their phones just not at Christmas. If the other two have the latest phones there will be no need for her to spend more although that's her choice. I wouldn't let mine be the poor relations if I could afford it. I'd be buying them new trainers throughout the year. To avoid the fight I just wouldn't do it at Christmas. Then it's her fight to pick with you. So long as you're paying your half of the bills she has no say in what you spend your money on really.

Have I got this right? Your partner felt aggrieved that your parents spent more on your children (their own grandkids) than they spent on her kids? Does she not recognise her own hypocrisy??

Hey OP, some advice from the other side of the tracks:

My DH and I have 2 children that live with us 30% of the time, both his from a previous marriage. We are expecting a new baby next year (hopefully - providing this one stays sticky!)

The kids are 10 and 7. At their other home with mum, her boyfriend has another child who is 7.

My DH's ex and her boyfriend aren't working so money is fairly tight for them. (It know this isn't the same for you, but the experience is still comparable I think)

We are in a much better position financially and we cater to the children's needs quite... erm... enthusiastically.

(We spoil them! 🤦🏻‍♀️)

That said, we don't spend anywhere near £300 at Christmas... but maybe it'll be different when they're teens! 😱

At their home with mum, they receive less than their mum's boyfriend's son because of this discrepancy. Fewer treats and days out throughout the year and sufficiently less at Christmas.

Their dad is just trying to even things out, which is nice for his son. Sadly, it doesn't go unnoticed by my SC, who just think their mum and her boyfriend "love" the other boy more.

Obviously this is compounded by them all being of a similar age, and being quite young.

We are party to conversations that they don't dare have with their mum, through fear of upsetting her. So we really do get to see the other side of things. We have decided that no matter what happens with our little one, they'll all be treated the same because it does seem to have quite a profound impact.

(By the way, of course my DH pays his full child support, before anyone jumps me!!)

@Hemingwayscatz

So your issue is the fact your partner’s ex spends a lot on his children whereas your ex (and you) don’t have as much to spend on your DC or choose not to? You can’t control how much your step-children’s Dad spends on them, that’s his choice and you can’t tell their Mum to spend less on her children because it makes you look or feel bad.

But it's OK for the OP's partner to tell the OP to spend less on his own children than he would like to?

@Salayes

Other solution - get better gifts for your kids and give them to your ex to give to them. Same goes for birthday items and other luxury goods throughout the year. That way you’re not actually giving joint gifts with her that are not equal, you’re enabling your ex to give the same as her ex. I wonder what she’d think of that solution. I’d put it to her and see what she says.

Wtf should his partner get a say in that? If Op wants to gift via his ex it's nobody else's business.

But it's OK for the OP's partner to tell the OP to spend less on his own children than he would like to?

But the OP can have that out with his partner or say that this is how things will be moving forwards.

As it is, the OP just wants a dick-measuring competition.

Why don't you just tell your partner you'll buy your kids what you want? Don't do it to compete with her ex though...

@girlmom21

But it's OK for the OP's partner to tell the OP to spend less on his own children than he would like to?

But the OP can have that out with his partner or say that this is how things will be moving forwards.

As it is, the OP just wants a dick-measuring competition.

Couldn't be more wrong about that. Not in competition with anyone at all. Have you read any of my posts?

@PeeAche

Hey OP, some advice from the other side of the tracks:

My DH and I have 2 children that live with us 30% of the time, both his from a previous marriage. We are expecting a new baby next year (hopefully - providing this one stays sticky!)

The kids are 10 and 7. At their other home with mum, her boyfriend has another child who is 7.

My DH's ex and her boyfriend aren't working so money is fairly tight for them. (It know this isn't the same for you, but the experience is still comparable I think)

We are in a much better position financially and we cater to the children's needs quite... erm... enthusiastically.

(We spoil them! 🤦🏻‍♀️)

That said, we don't spend anywhere near £300 at Christmas... but maybe it'll be different when they're teens! 😱

At their home with mum, they receive less than their mum's boyfriend's son because of this discrepancy. Fewer treats and days out throughout the year and sufficiently less at Christmas.

Their dad is just trying to even things out, which is nice for his son. Sadly, it doesn't go unnoticed by my SC, who just think their mum and her boyfriend "love" the other boy more.

Obviously this is compounded by them all being of a similar age, and being quite young.

We are party to conversations that they don't dare have with their mum, through fear of upsetting her. So we really do get to see the other side of things. We have decided that no matter what happens with our little one, they'll all be treated the same because it does seem to have quite a profound impact.

(By the way, of course my DH pays his full child support, before anyone jumps me!!)

Really interesting to hear that perspective. Thanks. Hope it gets sorted an your dc doesn't carry on feeling like that

@Westerman

Have I got this right? Your partner felt aggrieved that your parents spent more on your children (their own grandkids) than they spent on her kids? Does she not recognise her own hypocrisy??

Yes that's exactly right. She said they should all be treated the same.

Apologies @TuesdaySmoozday I think I misunderstood what was actually going on here.

If DSC other family members are allowed to buy them nice things, but not your DC, then so are your family.

I think a Big Conversation is required here. Also agree with PP about spreading things out over the year so it becomes less of a Christmas issue, but your DC are not being treated fairly.

I’m re-married and hell would freeze over before I let my husband dictate what I spent on my child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Our situation is easier because his sons are young adults and don’t live with us. I actually delayed us living together for 2 years exactly because of this sort of thing - the difficulty of blending families.

Spend what you want to, and let her tell her kids that it’s the same as their dad spending on them.

Ok. I think the majority opinion here is that I'm not being unreasonable.

And I should grow or strap on a pair of balls and have the conversation. As well as maybe get stuff throughout the year so it's not as big a deal at Xmas.

I've always tried not to spoil my children and don't really buy them much throughout the year. Maybe that's part of the problem.

Not looking forward to the conversation!

I don’t understand how this £300 limit came about?

In a relationship where you both pay for your own children’s presents and there is no parity between what the children get from their other family members, then the £300 limit is completely arbitrary and unhelpful.

She is only maintaining this limit because her own children are better off from it.

What is the working situation, do yo both contribute equally in terms of wages/housework?

Op you have to look at the big picture it's not just about Christmas or trainers.

What happens in a few years, young working kids, apprenticeship, uni, commute from home vs going away to uni. And the financial support to get through that.

Maybe the way forward is to keep Christmas spending the same but other support is completely independent like your finances

@WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow The OP said that she gave him permission to buy a £160 Samsung tablet. Unbelieveable

Your partner is not only controlling she's bloody well gaslighting you to boot!!

Not a chance would anyone tell me what I could or couldn't spend on my own DC and they CERTAINLY wouldn't be dictating what their grandparents spent either!

@TuesdaySmoozday

We both earn approx the same, split all bills, and have separate bank accounts. There is no joint pot for Xmas.

Then buy your kids what you want to buy them and her kids are old enough to understand that you spend money in your kids just like their dad spends money on them.

Don't leave the conversation until Christmas because it will ruin Christmas for your kids. Say you need to talk to her when the kids aren't there. Explain that you don't feel happy with her setting you a budget for what you can spend on your kids and that from now on you'll be buying your kids what you want and not what she tells you you can. You have no interest in what she buys her kids and she has no say in what you buy your kids and that you don't want to argue or fall out but you won't let your kids miss out.
Honestly if she kicks off about it then you really need to reconsider this relationship with a woman that's happy to see your kids have less than her kids.

@Wheelz46

Seems like it's her way or the highway.

How I would look at it is, 'if she wasn't in the picture, what would I buy?' If that turns out to be more than the £300 spent on her kids, then that's for her to deal with and increase her spending if she so desires.

Nobody would be telling me what I could or could not spend on my own kids out of my own pocket! I think you should put your foot down OP tell her this is what you are spending on yours and its upto her if she wants to even it out!

This.

If anyone tried to dictate how much of my money I spend on my children they would not be around long. It’s controlling and cruel. Her dc’s father can spend what he likes on her children but you can’t spend the same on yours. She seems a nasty piece of work to me, and you are allowing her to do this.

A friend of dh’s has a partner like this. He has 2 dc she has none but she was very upset one year when he wanted to buy his dd a designer jacket. He spoke to dh asking advice and dh told him to grow a backbone and tell her to mind her own business. I would suggest you do the same.

@TuesdaySmoozday

Her opinion is that it would not feel nice or fair to her children if my children receive more

But it’s fine for your dc to feel like that?

Definitely more than one way to skin a cat!

How about you match the SC Dads spending. And your partner matches your kids mums spending.

So each child gets similar amount from their respective parents, even if that means the Dads spend £££ and the mums much less

"Partner acknowledges the gap but doesn't feel like there is anything we can do." - Quite a Selfish Approach on her part.

I'm with @Lockdownbear:

"Op you have to look at the big picture it's not just about Christmas or trainers.

What happens in a few years, young working kids, apprenticeship, uni, commute from home vs going away to uni. And the financial support to get through that.

Maybe the way forward is to keep Christmas spending the same but other support is completely independent like your finances"