To say that the expression 'no one ever looked back and wishes they'd worked more' is not true?

[Loosemoosegoose]

This is something you read on Mumsnet a lot. I can't help but think it's not often true. When taken literally, perhaps, but it tends to be used in the context of finding a fulfilling career versus prioritising family. I have been blessed with both a wonderful DD and a very fulfilling career and honestly, I need both in my life. I subscribe very much to the idea that there is absolutely no reason a woman can't have it all, she just can't necessarily always have it all at exactly the same time and there are times when taking time to focus on family or career is what is needed but generally, there are also times when you can give both all you've got and balance the two beautifully.
Of course there are some who do not want one or the other (or either) but I feel that a woman's career can often be dismissed by phrases like this because it minimises the value many people do place on their life's work. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel that I did give my career my all because I work in a field I am incredibly passionate about and if I didn't do all I could to continue in this profession and do my best in it, I know that I would look back and feel regret.

Interested in others views. Do you think it is possible to place as much value on your career as you place on being a parent and still be a good and present parent or do you think it is something you look back on and realise you sacrificed one for the other no matter how you try to balance it?

I can't say I've seen this comment associated only with women.

In real life, i have heard it said by two self-employed men who worked 6/7 days a week for years until they got cancer and then had no choice but to stop working and on reflection during their cancer treatment, they realised how much of actual life they had missed out on - their kids' football matches;extended family celebrations; even simple things like doing homework with their kids. One of them sadly died, the other recovered, sold his business and is living happily in retirement.

I think it's possible to have a good career and be a good parent but balance is very important. Sometimes career will come first, others parenting. Problems kick in if career comes first every time.

I agree, it's not only women in other contexts, however on this forum, understandably it tends to be aimed at women more often.
But my thoughts on it are the same for men too. Many men find enormous fulfilment from their careers too and I don't think it's a given that, even in similar circumstances as you describe, someone will look back and feel regret because they gave their career their all.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend 💐

People say this to men too though surely? Especially workaholic types or those who feel their work defines them as humans.

But most of the population both men and women don’t have fulfilling careers they have jobs.
It’s only a very small proportion of the population that can have a worthwhile career and a fabulous family. It generally takes a lot of money to have both.

I'm currently dating someone who very much regrets not having gone to uni and focusing on his career.

Bit overall, everyone finds fulfilment in different ways. Because we are all different! There’s no blueprint. One woman’s “fulfilling job” would be the next woman’s hell on earth. Some women are genuinely happier focusing 100% on their families, whereas others find this stifling. Each to their own!

I think this is said equally to men and women.

It totally depends how much you love your work. If you really really love what you do then of course you want to work because it is fulfilling and joyful. If its just for the money then you are happier doing something else.

I think it depends on your support network and also how many children you have. So for me I have had 2 relationships. First very bad where u would describe myself as a single mother and second very good. Second relationship, his job was priority as he was main earner. Also he worked away so my work revolved around the children. All 6 of them over 20 years. If circumstances would of been different I would of been able to train in my dream job but the children came first. I wanted the kids looked after at home not spread between different family members while I worked silly shifts.

There's only so many hours in the day. And yes looking back I wish I would of got my career first before my children but that's life. I don't think many women do have it all.

I couldn't have it all but that's because of circumstances.

I think the expression is ‘no one wishes they’d spent more time in the office’ when they are on their death bed. But I’ve had people argue with me about that on here.

Most folk don’t have meaningful careers. Just a job.

But crack on with whatever makes you happy.

I agree with that and it's not really my point. I think everyone needs to do what is right for them and of course some people do not and will not ever care that much about how they bring home the bacon, so long as it's brought. But where I see this phrase pop up is time bad time again where you have an OP regarding making a choice in some capacity or another between doing something for their family or something for their career and all I'm saying is if someone is asking that question, it means they care enough about their career to consider that it might be worth putting that first at that point. And there are always comments that consider both sides. It's just annoys me when I see this phrase being used because it's essentially saying you should always prioritise your family because you'll regret it otherwise and that got me thinking that I'm not sure at all that that is such a given for many people, myself included. And it doesn't just need to be jobs where you make a lot of money at all. I certainly don't make a lot of money; I work for the NHS, I just so happen to work in a field I love and am proud to be a part of.

I find this is usually only said by people who didn't have careers, to make themselves feel better. Those of us with fulfilling careers know the value of it in our lives.

I didn't think it was 'worked more'.

I thought it was that nobody lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent 'more time in the office'.

Which has a slightly different meaning and connotation, doesn't it?

@HandScreen

🙄😂

YABVU. How can ANYone wish they had worked more? Instead of spending time with their family/children?

If I heard anyone say that, I would wonder why they had children, if they preferred to be at work, rather than with their children.

@HandScreen

I find this is usually only said by people who didn't have careers, to make themselves feel better. Those of us with fulfilling careers know the value of it in our lives.

Yes dear. You keep telling yourself that.

@pilar3

People say this to men too though surely? Especially workaholic types or those who feel their work defines them as humans.

Yes, it IS aimed at men too. Not EVERYTHING is an attack on women!

I've honestly never seen or heard it being used in that context OP. I've mostly seen it used when people feel very conflicted and are struggling with setting boundaries around work and the rest of their lives. And often to people who imply e.g. they'll spend x years working as much/hard as possible with a view to stopping at some point in the future when they have 'enough'. I've heard it used mainly to encourage people to make sure they do what makes them happy now whatever that is.

I totally agree OP. I hate this phrase. Partly because its thrown out without any sense of context and also, as you say, because its largely not true.

My job is really full on and there are frequently days when I think "fuck I wish I didn't have to work at weekends" etc. But the bottom line is if I'd worked less 10-15 years ago I'd have ended up dependent on a financially and emotionally abusive man who would have properly screwed me over.

My job was the thing that kept me going: financially and emotionally, when my marriage broke down and its the thing that's allowed me to be in the position I'm in now where I own my own home, all my income is mine, I can bring my daughter up as I want to without interference from anyone else and thankfully I have enough cash left over for a decent standard of life.

The tradeoff to that is its bloody hard work, sometimes. But its fulfilling and remunerative. And the idea that I'd regret that on my deathbed just makes me laugh.

Whoever invented that phrase was definitely not a working single mum.

I have been pt for years (in a professional job) and I can absolutely say, hand on heart, that whether I were to die tomorrow or in 50 years, I would not regret being pt rather than ft for one second.

@LittleDandelionClock

YABVU. How can ANYone wish they had worked more? Instead of spending time with their family/children?

If I heard anyone say that, I would wonder why they had children, if they preferred to be at work, rather than with their children.

Er, possibly because they need to be at work to provide for said children?

I rather like the fact that I worked long and hard and thus have a decent pension.
It’s about the balance, As a teacher I have met countless parents Totally Committed And Involved With Their Children. 366 days of the year. For their entire childhood and beyond.
It’s about the quality of the time you spend with your family, not necessarily the amount. I occasionally feel I could have climbed a bit further up the ladder.

I agree. Some people get as much enjoyment out of achieving goals and working their way up as others do out of 'making memories' by looking at sunsets or whatever. And in the context of women it's used to shame anyone who wants to achieve anything beyond the home, as if to say that using your brain or trying to be someone in the world is a stupid goal.

When Richard Attenborough received his life time achievement award, he said he wished he had made a few less films and attended a few more birthday parties.
I believe he had a very successful career.

I’m so glad you started this thread - I’ve often mulled over that statement and felt it didn’t apply to me…and then wondered why. I feel strongly that when I’m on my deathbed, I want to make sure I’ve made the most I possibly could of my life, and that definitely includes my career. In fact I’d hate to be lying there thinking I hadn’t tried hard enough or that I’d wasted my time and not fulfilled my potential.

I’ve heard far more people say it about men, who tend to continue to work ft after becoming fathers and can lose sight of what they’re missing out on. My dad is one of them, the only reason we have a relationship with him is mum divorced him and he had to stop working 24/7 to see us every other weekend.

He’s a workaholic still though and now retired puts all of his effort into local politics and nunneries organisations because he’s happiest busy, important, juggling deadlines.