To say that the expression 'no one ever looked back and wishes they'd worked more' is not true?

[Loosemoosegoose]

This is something you read on Mumsnet a lot. I can't help but think it's not often true. When taken literally, perhaps, but it tends to be used in the context of finding a fulfilling career versus prioritising family. I have been blessed with both a wonderful DD and a very fulfilling career and honestly, I need both in my life. I subscribe very much to the idea that there is absolutely no reason a woman can't have it all, she just can't necessarily always have it all at exactly the same time and there are times when taking time to focus on family or career is what is needed but generally, there are also times when you can give both all you've got and balance the two beautifully.
Of course there are some who do not want one or the other (or either) but I feel that a woman's career can often be dismissed by phrases like this because it minimises the value many people do place on their life's work. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel that I did give my career my all because I work in a field I am incredibly passionate about and if I didn't do all I could to continue in this profession and do my best in it, I know that I would look back and feel regret.

Interested in others views. Do you think it is possible to place as much value on your career as you place on being a parent and still be a good and present parent or do you think it is something you look back on and realise you sacrificed one for the other no matter how you try to balance it?

@Loosemoosegoose

To everyone saying I've got the saying wrong or you never see this used at women or in this forum or in that context, there's literally a thread in 'Work' with exactly the scenario I've described now. The OP is trying to decide where to further her career or have another baby and this exact phrase is there. This is what triggered my post because in my experience, this is what I see time and time again on Mumsnet.

Well of COURSE it's going to be aimed mostly at women on bloody MUMSNET! The site is almost exclusively women posting.. It's a site created by a woman (who is also a mother) and is largely aimed at women.

As I said earlier (and many others have said) the 'no-one lies on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work' mantra is aimed at men as much as women.

@LittleDandelionClock

So is that why you said:

If I heard anyone say that, I would wonder why they had children, if they preferred to be at work, rather than with their children.

Has it not crossed your mind that not everyone has the choice of being at home with their children? Do you think these people who have to work should have their kids removed?

l thought it meant time is more valuable than money, so make sure you spend your time in a meaningful way,.doing more of the things you enjoy rather than just work, work, work.
If your fortunate to have a job you do love then this quote doesnt really apply.

Well, I worked ridiculously long hours throughout my 20s and early 30s, as I got into the early retirement movement before it was even a thing. Invested as much of it as I could, with the intention that I’d stop work when I’d had children and spend as much time as possible with them.

And that’s what I did. People used to tut and call me a workaholic for working FT plus multiple PT on the side for years, and now other people tut at me as they assume I’m workshy and live solely off my husband’s income (which isn’t actually true, as the investments I made in my 20s have done very well and I take an income from them).

So no, I don’t regret working extremely long hours then, as it bought me time with my children and allows me to indulge in hobbies and a great social life now they’re all at school.

Everyone should just do what feels right for them and stop judging others.

@Summergarden

Well, I worked ridiculously long hours throughout my 20s and early 30s, as I got into the early retirement movement before it was even a thing. Invested as much of it as I could, with the intention that I’d stop work when I’d had children and spend as much time as possible with them.

And that’s what I did. People used to tut and call me a workaholic for working FT plus multiple PT on the side for years, and now other people tut at me as they assume I’m workshy and live solely off my husband’s income (which isn’t actually true, as the investments I made in my 20s have done very well and I take an income from them).

So no, I don’t regret working extremely long hours then, as it bought me time with my children and allows me to indulge in hobbies and a great social life now they’re all at school.

Everyone should just do what feels right for them and stop judging others.

That's a really interesting point I think. People assume you are living off your husband because you don't currently work crazy hours. Totally forgetting you have already done that work.

I think this is a common problem with lots of issues. People judge what they see at any given moment and don't know the details.

The other problem is with these threads, is that people can only know what they know. There are some parents, obviously, who have missed quite a significant chunk of their children’s day-to-day lives. But they don’t know what they’ve missed because they weren’t there! You can’t resent what you don’t know about.

Similarly, people can’t really resent the lack of an imaginary career they never had. You don’t miss something you never experienced anyway.

Huge numbers of people having retired on little more than state pension certainly look back and wish they'd worked more/harder etc to have earned more to save towards enhanced pensions. They're the ones who can't afford the holidays, car, luxuries they want in retirement and are instead merely "surviving" with pretty basic lifestyles.

I have never felt fulfilled from my work and resent every second it takes up of my life. I don't think I am a "career person" - I am much happy when I am pottering about in the evenings and weekends. So no, it's not true for me.

I know several women who wished they worked more. Usually when they realize they haven't really saved anything up for their pension and have to work until they are at least 70. Or they cannot afford to stay in their homes when they retire or they can retire but have to be incredibly frugal.

I got criticized for working full-time when my kids were small. "You can just take on another mortgage. That's what we are doing. You really owe it to your children! How can you be so selfish?". Blah blah. I should mention that full-time was only 37 hours a week incl. lunch and I only worked 30 minutes away. I told all of those women that it is incredibly dangerous financially to live on loans and that we had a housing bubble. But no, no, no. They knew better. Screw my financial master's degree. At least two of those women who criticized me then got divorced but had to continue living with their former spouses as the housing market had then collapsed, so their houses were worth a lot less than the mortgages they owed.

As I said earlier (and many others have said) the 'no-one lies on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work' mantra is aimed at men as much as women.

Sigh. @LittleDandelionClock, but in the context of men never being held to account for providing for their children by working outside the home. No one regards male careers as suddenly becoming optional after they've reproduced. Discourses around male work outside the home are entirely different in UK society to those of female work outside the home.

Certainly if I had a pound on here for every time a female poster said she couldn't get a job because her DH;s job was too inflexible to let him do the school run, or because he worked unpredictable shifts, or because he travelled abroad at no notice. I'd be rich.

It's pretty disingenuous to claim it's not an ungendered truism.

@HandScreen

I find this is usually only said by people who didn't have careers, to make themselves feel better. Those of us with fulfilling careers know the value of it in our lives.

Agreed!

I think it really depends on what the ‘career’ is. One person’s ‘fulfilling’ is another person’s nightmare.

And, by the same token, you could say that only those who have SAH with their children truly understand the value of that in this their lives. Unless you’ve actually lived something, you can’t fully comprehend the value of it.

YANBU. But then I’ve never had any time for ‘mum guilt’ either. I’ve a great career, love it and make no apologies for any of it.

@SouthernFashionista

YANBU. But then I’ve never had any time for ‘mum guilt’ either. I’ve a great career, love it and make no apologies for any of it.

I challenge every post on here I see and I see a lot of them that seems to think 'mum guilt' is some kind of quasi-biological necessity, rather than an outcome of sexist socialisation which can be overcome.

@pilar3

And, by the same token, you could say that only those who have SAH with their children truly understand the value of that in this their lives. Unless you’ve actually lived something, you can’t fully comprehend the value of it.

But surely anyone who lives with their children and spends any time with them at all is qualified to comment on the value of their children?

You don't have to a SAHM to "understand the value" of your children?

@Cofifeefee
I was going to say the same thing.
I don't have a career, I've only ever had jobs. I always wanted a career and considered doing a degree in my 40's. I always felt like a second class citizen because I didn't have a 'proper job'.
Last year I was diagnosed with cancer and am still recovering.
I am fine and there is no reason to think I can't live 'til old age.
Cancer puts things into perspective, I have little desire to try for a career, I will do anything for an easier, stress free life. I am saving most of my efforts for those that matter in my life.
I don't have much money but I don't care (at the moment anyway).
Why do I want to stress myself for someone's business/company?
In my view it's not worth it.

Why do I want to stress myself for someone's business/company?
In my view it's not worth it.

But you don't need to work for 'someone's business/company' @Fuckmyliferightnow -- that's only one specific type of work. I wouldn't have the slightest interest in doing that either. Best wishes for continuing to recover.

Of course you don’t have to be a SAHM to know the value of your own children!

What I was saying was, retrospectively-speaking, nobody can fully understand the true value of a ‘career lifestyle’ unless you’ve actually lived that. Similarly, you can’t understand the true value of a ‘SAHM lifestyle’ unless you’ve actually lived that. You might think you do, but you don’t. Horses for courses.

I personally think it’s true. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would quit my career and volunteer instead. I have a career that I enjoy, that I’m proud of and that has sent me all over the world and given me some really interesting experiences. But it’s just a job, and I wouldn’t spend one minute more than I had to on it.
That comment, in my experience, is often said to people who have out their work, for whatever reason, above all else and not in a good way.

If i won the lottwry id do some variant of what i do now, unpaid.
I feel passionate about what I do.

@StealthPolarBear

If i won the lottwry id do some variant of what i do now, unpaid. I feel passionate about what I do.

Same here. I might not work certainly not at the pace I do now but the idea of sitting on my arse for the rest of my life does not appeal at all.

But it’s simply not the case that “not working = sitting on your arse.” I mean, it might be for some, but plenty sit on their arses at work, let’s face it. There is so much to do - like the whole of life . There are many ways to contribute and so many paths to ‘fulfilment.’ If just means different things to different people. There’s no right or wrong.

YANBU
I hope that I look back on my life and see all the work has paid off.
If I didn't work as much as I do, my family would have a lower standard of living.

I prefer the quote: 'No one, on their death bed, wishes they had spent more time at the office'
This one is likely true and can help focus priorities for women and men.