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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that the expression 'no one ever looked back and wishes they'd worked more' is not true?

204 replies

Loosemoosegoose · 12/12/2021 20:45

This is something you read on Mumsnet a lot. I can't help but think it's not often true. When taken literally, perhaps, but it tends to be used in the context of finding a fulfilling career versus prioritising family. I have been blessed with both a wonderful DD and a very fulfilling career and honestly, I need both in my life. I subscribe very much to the idea that there is absolutely no reason a woman can't have it all, she just can't necessarily always have it all at exactly the same time and there are times when taking time to focus on family or career is what is needed but generally, there are also times when you can give both all you've got and balance the two beautifully.
Of course there are some who do not want one or the other (or either) but I feel that a woman's career can often be dismissed by phrases like this because it minimises the value many people do place on their life's work. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel that I did give my career my all because I work in a field I am incredibly passionate about and if I didn't do all I could to continue in this profession and do my best in it, I know that I would look back and feel regret.

Interested in others views. Do you think it is possible to place as much value on your career as you place on being a parent and still be a good and present parent or do you think it is something you look back on and realise you sacrificed one for the other no matter how you try to balance it?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 13/12/2021 07:24

@Iggly

Well if I gave my career “my all” then I absolutely would not have much left for my family.

But I’m sure I’ve read somewhere about the top ten regrets of the dying and this has come up. So while it may not apply to you OP, it applies to a lot of people, men and women.

True - but the top regret is "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

However, women are still told that once they become mothers, they have to forget about their own life and wishes and ambitions, because if they want to do anything but to spend time with their children, they should not have had children in the first place.

malificent7 · 13/12/2021 07:33

I have a "career" as i need money. I do like it but if i won the lottery I'd be like " byeeeeee!"

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/12/2021 07:34

I think you have a point - people do often want satisfying careers, and people do look back at the end of their lives and regret not really going for it / keeping a career going / being the nearly-woman.

Having said that, for the vast majority it’s secondary to having good relationships. I think what’s key is you don’t totally fuck your life for your career, and that’s what people are trying to say. But agree it’s less nuanced than the realty.

malificent7 · 13/12/2021 07:36

In my case i find work hard and being a stay at home mum hard so I'm stuffed either way. If i could make my living doing art I'd agree with you op.
Love how this thread has become the usual. Sahm/ working mum bun fight.

thepeopleversuswork · 13/12/2021 07:38

women are still told that once they become mothers, they have to forget about their own life and wishes and ambitions, because if they want to do anything but to spend time with their children, they should not have had children in the first place.

Yep. And then often find half way through their lives that they've been thrown under a bus by the people who made them feel shit about not wanting to spend every waking hour with their children. And realise that working to provide for their children wasn't such a bad idea after all.

SomethingBeginningWithX · 13/12/2021 07:44

I've only ever seen this aimed at workaholics who are struggling to find a good balance between the demands of the office and home life. My own DH is like this and has found this phrase really useful, to the extent that he took 7 weeks paternity leave recently.

I don't think it means people shouldn't have demanding, fulfilling careers that they spend a lot of time and effort on! Confused

meh12 · 13/12/2021 07:44

I agree OP, it's loaded with judgement. I also think the expression around deciding to have (more) children and you'll regret not having that child but never regret the children you have or something to that affect, it all seems very emotionally loaded to make people make irrational decisions about something that should be very carefully considered. And I've no doubt plenty of people regret kids even if they love them.

It's very belittling and I can only assume the type of people who say it don't have very fulfilling careers and are the type that don't understand you can have both, I do.

Ajl46 · 13/12/2021 07:46

@LittleDandelionClock

YABVU. How can ANYone wish they had worked more? Instead of spending time with their family/children?

If I heard anyone say that, I would wonder why they had children, if they preferred to be at work, rather than with their children.

I've heard someone with family say this - they were a heart surgeon who saved thousands of lives over the course of their career and they wished they had been able to save more.
SomethingBeginningWithX · 13/12/2021 07:47

It's very belittling and I can only assume the type of people who say it don't have very fulfilling careers and are the type that don't understand you can have both, I do

I think this is completely wrong and it's the exact opposite. I have found it used by people who are very senior, very busy and love their work, to help remind them that other aspects of their lives can be important and fulfilling as well, and will still be there when the work ends.

meh12 · 13/12/2021 07:55

@SomethingBeginningWithX that's still pretty belittling when said by people who have already achieved what they want to achieve? And in my experience that's not the kind of people I hear it from, I hear it a lot in the SAHM threads by people who don't have careers (but not denying it's said by a variety of people, it's a broad expression).

meh12 · 13/12/2021 07:55

(On reflection I should add on the end!)

Lobelia123 · 13/12/2021 08:01

I agree with you OP! In fact one of my regrets when I look back on my early career is that I DIDN'T work harder. I was smart and capable but I was focused on my private life and having fun....like an extended teens party and dont think about tomorrow phase. Now I know what Im capable of and the possibilities of what I could achieve, I wish I could go back and double down! Trying to make up for lost time now :)

SomethingBeginningWithX · 13/12/2021 08:01

I've not really heard it in the SAHM context I have to admit, much more from the workaholic types.

I think it's a phrase that's useful to some and obviously touches a nerve for others. I think it's wrong to dismiss it as 'thats rubbish only said by people who want to justify not having achieved anything with their career, unlike me' which is the vibe of some of the replies.

EmpressCixi · 13/12/2021 08:04

You’re misquoting the saying.
It says “No one on their death bed wishes they’d worked more”
It’s not meant to be about looking back while still relatively young and fit.

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 08:05

@Loosemoosegoose

It is not naive to speak about your own experiences. I know very well the struggles that many people face simply trying to make ends meat; that's very much a part of what I do in my work. I know I am incredibly lucky to have a supportive partner that makes it possible for me to work as I do but I'm also not so well off that I don't have the luxury of not working either. I'm the main breadwinner; not working or working part time is not an option for me. I'm just fortunate enough that the job I have to do to provide a roof over our heads is a job I love to do. That doesn't make me naive, it makes me lucky. I'm not at all saying that you have to give your career everything you've got, I'm not saying it's not about choice or what makes you happy. What I'm saying is that theres a lot of assumptions, especially on Mumsnet about what makes someone happy and there are far too many people ready to dismiss someone's fulfilment from their job because they personally don't share that experience. It's happening here. I am naive or too young to have the opinion I have apparently. Or I mean what I say in that for some people (not all or even most), a career is just as fulfilling as being a parent.
I have said before that I don't think an "eggs in one basket" life is good for anybody...I have to admit also that I don't understand people who would choose to be at work rather than be with their family assuming that they are in good relationship. I massively enjoyed my job but didn't think twice about leaving it when DH and I had the chance to both take early retirement.
Iggly · 13/12/2021 08:05

@Loosemoosegoose

What's the point in me telling you my DD's age. If I tell you she's 6 weeks old does that make me a terrible parent? If I tell you she's 17 years old does that make me a good parent? I'm not asking for opinions on my life choices, I'm asking for opinions on my post that it is entirely possible to have a career that you are fulfilled by just as much as you are fulfilled by parenting. That's all.
It kind of does make a difference. The longer you’ve been a parent, you may have changed you view? I certainly have! It was easier when they were babies. Harder now one is at secondary.
asha456 · 13/12/2021 08:06

I think with any job that is demanding and rewarding enough to inspire the passion and devotion you are talking about, there will inevitably come a point where you have to make choices, prioritise.

-your job

  • your health
  • your marriage
  • your children
  • your hobbies

I've been in this position myself, so I am also talking from experience. If you're a high achiever and a go getter, you can get caught up in doing the best job possible, climbing the promotions, making more money. No, I can't take a day off to go to my kid's concert! No, I can't take a day off sick! I am busy and important and needed! I see it so often in people around me.

However, You talk in your OP if having a balance and looking after your daughter's needs, so you're not ultimately giving it "all" to the job at the expense of everything else. Sometimes you're putting her first. You're not going to get to the end of your life and wish you spent those hours working.

I don't think the phrase is intended to mean that you shouldn't derive fulfilment from your job or enjoy doing it. It's meant to encourage people to think about priorities and what brings them most meaning and importance in life when they have to make a choice between competing priorities. If someone always puts the job first ahead of everything else then yes I do think that is likely to lead to regrets later on.

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/12/2021 08:08

Being married to a hyper focused workaholic I'd say that's definitely true.

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 08:09

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@RachelTheRedNosedReindeer

You might be right. I don't really have the luxury of thinking about whether the stress bad for me because I have to do it. But if you are supporting a whole family stress goes with the territory. And I'd much rather do a highly paid, interesting stressful job than a low paid and boring stressful job.[/quote]
Yes, exactly. So the trade of for you is worth it. That's exactly what my post said. It isn't good for you, but sometimes it is worth it, for whatever reason.

Iggly · 13/12/2021 08:13

I don't think the phrase is intended to mean that you shouldn't derive fulfilment from your job or enjoy doing it. It's meant to encourage people to think about priorities and what brings them most meaning and importance in life when they have to make a choice between competing priorities. If someone always puts the job first ahead of everything else then yes I do think that is likely to lead to regrets later on

^this

RachelTheRedNosedReindeer · 13/12/2021 08:14

Trade off*

bentleyd · 13/12/2021 08:21

I get a lot of fulfilment from my career. My financial circumstances mean I could reasonably give it up but the thought makes me panicky. I think I would feel very rudderless without work. I have 2 primary aged dc who also bring me joy and fulfilment.

Bortles · 13/12/2021 08:26

Steve Jobs epitomised that didnt he. Not just a woman thing. If you're axcomolishing something wondeful for posterity and humanity sure, itt might count, but if you're an accountant for someone else's business for example, what's the achievement in terms of the bigger picture? Some more money to buy a nicer car?

Roseshavethorns · 13/12/2021 08:31

This is aimed at workaholics who work all hours when they don't have to and lack any kind of balance. It's a warning that life is short and not to put off doing things that you enjoy or have always wanted to do.
It is not a criticism of working women or people working to provide a decent lifestyle.
I know/knew too many people that worked themselves to the bone and saved every penny forgoing holidays and anything frivolous or fun with friends and family so that they could have a secure retirement only to die before or just after they retired. It is so sad. The families they leave behind have money but few memories.

Boombastic22 · 13/12/2021 08:34

I have a successful career. I think I would look back and wish that I’d work a little less har when I was very young, mainly because I worked in a role where the bosses got things done through fear…

I work hard now which means I have zero money worries and can give my kids a lovely life. Their father also more than capable of looking after them and they attend minimal wrap around career, much easier to have balance when you’re senior..