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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that the expression 'no one ever looked back and wishes they'd worked more' is not true?

204 replies

Loosemoosegoose · 12/12/2021 20:45

This is something you read on Mumsnet a lot. I can't help but think it's not often true. When taken literally, perhaps, but it tends to be used in the context of finding a fulfilling career versus prioritising family. I have been blessed with both a wonderful DD and a very fulfilling career and honestly, I need both in my life. I subscribe very much to the idea that there is absolutely no reason a woman can't have it all, she just can't necessarily always have it all at exactly the same time and there are times when taking time to focus on family or career is what is needed but generally, there are also times when you can give both all you've got and balance the two beautifully.
Of course there are some who do not want one or the other (or either) but I feel that a woman's career can often be dismissed by phrases like this because it minimises the value many people do place on their life's work. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel that I did give my career my all because I work in a field I am incredibly passionate about and if I didn't do all I could to continue in this profession and do my best in it, I know that I would look back and feel regret.

Interested in others views. Do you think it is possible to place as much value on your career as you place on being a parent and still be a good and present parent or do you think it is something you look back on and realise you sacrificed one for the other no matter how you try to balance it?

OP posts:

Corbally · 13/12/2021 22:28

@hardtobelieve

I prefer the quote: 'No one, on their death bed, wishes they had spent more time at the office' This one is likely true and can help focus priorities for women and men.

But it doesn’t really work any more, does it? What Covid has taught us is that you don’t need a workplace to work.

FrankGrillosWrist · 13/12/2021 22:53

@HandScreen

I find this is usually only said by people who didn't have careers, to make themselves feel better. Those of us with fulfilling careers know the value of it in our lives.

Or those who claim to have fulfilling careers usually have nothing going on at home, so they hide behind their job.

Kitkat151 · 13/12/2021 23:05

@HandScreen

I find this is usually only said by people who didn't have careers, to make themselves feel better. Those of us with fulfilling careers know the value of it in our lives.

😂🤣 hilarious

Corbally · 13/12/2021 23:56

Why do some people appear to think it’s an either/or situation? That you can’t have both a fulfilling work life and a fulfilling home life?

It’s bewildering to see how threatening this is to those who desperately need to believe there’s something fundamentally missing in people who genuinely enjoy and/or are interested in their work, as well as feeling similarly parenting and non-work aspects of their lives.

AlexaShutUp · 14/12/2021 00:35

@Corbally

Why do some people appear to think it’s an either/or situation? That you can’t have both a fulfilling work life and a fulfilling home life?

I imagine it's just easier for people to feel that they're not missing out in some way so they persuade themselves that choices have to be made. Of course, the reality is that many of us achieve a good balance between fulfilling careers and happy family lives, but perhaps it's preferable for some people to believe that that isn't possible.

Ionlydomassiveones · 14/12/2021 00:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

AlexaShutUp · 14/12/2021 00:49

@Ionlydomassiveones

I thought it was a ‘death bed’ thing? On your death bed, hopefully very very old…? Surely the only thing that ever matters at that point is your nearest and dearest? It’s about connection and relationship and humanity.

Interesting point, but that suggests that work can't also be about connection and relationship and humanity, when for many of us, that's exactly what it is. I guess it depends on what you do.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/12/2021 01:15

Yabu.

I've had a lot of bereavements in my personal life and professionally in an earlier career. Without exception the biggest regret is always that they should have spent more time with their loved ones.

Being previously very ambitious I would give virtually anything to have that time back and work less. It's simply not important.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2021 07:24

It’s bewildering to see how threatening this is to those who desperately need to believe there’s something fundamentally missing in people who genuinely enjoy and/or are interested in their work

This. I find it genuinely disturbing that so many people appear to think there's something a bit suspect about anyone who is ambitious or enjoys their career.

As if someone who likes their job can't also genuinely love their kids or partner or build strong relationship bonds.

After 50+ years of mainstream feminism and equal ops we've got to a situation where anyone who can support themself or who is fired up about something in life other than their kids and husband must have something wrong inside.

What progress we've made. I despair.

Ragwort · 14/12/2021 07:30

Totally agree thePeople ... speaking personally my life is balance between my work (which is not a 'career' type role) but a job I love and feel passionate about (I work for a charity), my hobbies - which involve volunteering in the community, friends and family and, quite honestly, time to myself. Neither is more or less important than the other. My 'fulfilment' comes from getting the balance right so that none of these overwhelm me.

pilar3 · 14/12/2021 07:55

Nobody is saying people can’t get a ‘balance’ or get fulfilment from a job. (Well, I’m not saying that ). All I said was, fulfilment comes in many ways and means different things to different people. Also, you can find ‘balance’ in your life whatever you do. It’s an attitude of mind, not about your job title, or how many hours you do (or don’t work) or whether you are a SAHM or volunteer or whatever.

The OP is posting needing her quoted statement to be untrue. Why? Why does she need everyone to feel the way she does? Clearly it will be true for some people, but not so much for others. This is obvious.

Wintersnuggles10 · 14/12/2021 08:03

It's different for everyone. For myself personally I have never had a career or a job I have enjoyed. I've just had a job that I had to go to to earn money. Whilst I was there I hated every second, watched the clock until hometime and begrudged every minute I was there. I think many, many people feel like that.
The job takes them away from their children /family. If you work shifts your sleep is affected. Your time and life is not your own. You mean absolutely nothing to your boss and when you leave you will be forgotten about in 2 seconds.
Other people enjoy working if they are lucky enough to work in a position that doesn't actually feel like a job

Corbally · 14/12/2021 08:04

@pilar3

Nobody is saying people can’t get a ‘balance’ or get fulfilment from a job. (Well, I’m not saying that

). All I said was, fulfilment comes in many ways and means different things to different people. Also, you can find ‘balance’ in your life whatever you do. It’s an attitude of mind, not about your job title, or how many hours you do (or don’t work) or whether you are a SAHM or volunteer or whatever.

She’s just querying a dimwit cliché that gets trotted out unthinkingly, here as elsewhere, and highlighting its relationship to the sexist ‘women can’t have it all’ trope, when the ‘all’ in question is something men are unthinkingly considered capable of having.

SnowWhitesSM · 14/12/2021 08:15

I love my job and I'm not a high earner. I'm a social worker and although at times I have felt burnt out when I love it I love it. I absolutely loved uni (didnt go till late twenties) and I still love learning new things. The way the brain works with trauma fascinates me. I do plan to further my social work career and become a director of service when my dc are 18+. I love building relationships and find other people fascinating.

I did my life slightly differently than most on MN. I had my dc very young and didn't start uni and my career in social work till late twenties. I was a single parent on benefits and no ambition at all. I had no ambition because I was depressed! For me, self care is learning new things and discussing them with people more knowledgeable than me. Thats what fills my cup. My dc are wonderful and I love being a mum to teenagers, my house, now I'm single again, is filled with laughter and I love talking to my dc about their lives, but they don't complete me. My job/learning is as much as my identity as being a mother is.

SSOYS · 14/12/2021 08:22

I feel that this sentence is used much more for men than for women, actually, and only really makes sense as something to say to a workaholic who never sees their family or does anything other than work. Otherwise it’s nonsense. Plenty of people regret not having focused more on their career, especially SAHPs who either didn’t choose to be that or who did choose it then found themselves high and dry when their other half left.

pilar3 · 14/12/2021 08:28

Yes, I’ve only heard people say the likes of that statement to workaholic types - ie my DH.

MrsToadflax · 14/12/2021 08:49

Some very patronising posts. Apparently some of us are just too stupid to understand how people might enjoy a career and family The point that has been made multiple times is that it's all about balance. The OP's quote is true for some and not for others - shock horror. As I said on this thread, I've had a career, it was nice, financially rewarding and good relationships with my team, but I'm much happier being home with my DC at the moment. I haven't missed a single second of them and that's important to me. I will work again in the future, but will never wish I worked more on my deathbed.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/12/2021 08:53

Wow 50/50 on the poll with my vote!
As pp have said I do think this phrase is more for workaholics, or people who already have a job. Not really to people who coasted, or gave up their career.
There are people who wished they’d seen how important jobs/money are when they grow up but in this day and age never to late to turn it around.

AlexaShutUp · 14/12/2021 10:26

Nonsense, she isn't needing everyone to feel the way that she does at all. She is merely questioning the blanket statement that no one ever looks back and regrets that they didn't work more. That statement is demonstrably not true because some people clearly do regret not working more or pursuing their career or whatever. That doesn't mean that everyone has to feel like that.

pilar3 · 14/12/2021 10:39

But is that not what I’m saying Alexa? People have different motivations and perspectives and this is obvious. We can only speak for ourselves.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/12/2021 10:52

@pilar3

But is that not what I’m saying Alexa? People have different motivations and perspectives and this is obvious. We can only speak for ourselves.

Of course we can speak for ourselves: this is a forum for discussion and debate. The OP is questioning the truth of a widely held cliché (I happen to agree with her as do others). She's not saying that everyone has to take the same position.

But the whole point about truisms like this is that they are supposed to be universal ie the "no-one ever" part of that statement.... in fact what the OP is pointing out is that this widely held "truth" is actually untrue for a significant number of people.

Surely the whole point of discussion boards like this is to challenge widely-held "truths"?

pilar3 · 14/12/2021 11:40

Well there are loads of cliched sayings - I doubt anyone actually changes their life accordingly. None of us actually know how we’ll feel at the end of our days. I think most people prefer not to dwell on it too much and just get on with it.

FissionMailed · 14/12/2021 12:05

@pilar3

If people were told today that they won't see Christmas, they have 10 days and that's that.

I would imagine a lot would regret how they've spent a lot of their time on earth.
But it will depend on circumstances too.
A 45 year old that's worked all the hours to buy a house and a car etc but has had less time with their kids will feel differently to someone he same age that has worked part time.

One may feel they missed a lot of their kids and the other may feel they haven't provided a nest egg for theirs.

No one can say how they'll feel at the close of doors, people live like they've all the time in the world, working 60+ hour weeks doesn't matter when you've infinite hours remaining.. when you're down to your last 240 hours though? I doubt many would mortgage those hours.

Corbally · 14/12/2021 12:11

@pilar3

Sayings that are trotted out as some kind of universal truth can be damaging, though, as they normalise things that are in fact the product of patriarchal socialisation, eg ‘A son’s a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter for all of her life’.

And as regards a deathbed wish, obviously I can’t know how I will feel, but when I had a tricky operation last year and had to recognise it carried risks, I certainly thought about wanting to have done more work.

Unloved21 · 14/12/2021 12:20

The context I’ve heard it said the most is when people are contemplating retirement versus carrying on at work to earn a bit more pension. Often those of us (and I probably count myself in this group) who are partly fulfilled by feeling indispensable at work when in reality no one is indispensable

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