To say that the expression 'no one ever looked back and wishes they'd worked more' is not true?

[Loosemoosegoose]

This is something you read on Mumsnet a lot. I can't help but think it's not often true. When taken literally, perhaps, but it tends to be used in the context of finding a fulfilling career versus prioritising family. I have been blessed with both a wonderful DD and a very fulfilling career and honestly, I need both in my life. I subscribe very much to the idea that there is absolutely no reason a woman can't have it all, she just can't necessarily always have it all at exactly the same time and there are times when taking time to focus on family or career is what is needed but generally, there are also times when you can give both all you've got and balance the two beautifully.
Of course there are some who do not want one or the other (or either) but I feel that a woman's career can often be dismissed by phrases like this because it minimises the value many people do place on their life's work. I want to be able to look back on my life and feel that I did give my career my all because I work in a field I am incredibly passionate about and if I didn't do all I could to continue in this profession and do my best in it, I know that I would look back and feel regret.

Interested in others views. Do you think it is possible to place as much value on your career as you place on being a parent and still be a good and present parent or do you think it is something you look back on and realise you sacrificed one for the other no matter how you try to balance it?

Also I really dislike this false dichotomy that people create between "work" and "family/children" as if you can't have both.

I am sure my daughter benefits from the fact that I like my job and put a lot of focus into it. I got a huge amount of value watching my dad do a job he was passionate about and it inspired me in so many ways: it gave me a lot of interests, it taught me the value of hard work and ambition and I saw how fulfilling a good career can be. Yes there were sometimes times I wished he was at home more but it was definitely a net benefit to me.

No one wants to work around the clock and never see their kids, but the idea that its an intrinsically bad thing to have a career that creates an extra point of focus in your life and gives you something interesting to focus on seems so negative.

Surely it's about life connections to the people most important to us?

Ie working too much and not spending time with our children!

Or our partners?
Who wishes on their death bed they spent more time with office colleuges crunching figures or going over report's and spread sheets instead of being with our loved ones and hanging out or doing fun things?

Huh? This phrase is targeted at workaholics. Great you love your job, but if you were asked to work 70 hours a week you'd be missing out on family time, which is the point of the phrase

Re influences people will usually go with what they see, I had an interesting experience as a child who was later in the in the family.
I benefitted from a career which saw my df away a lot from my siblings but by the time I came back along he was working from home but a lovely home in a gorgeous place.
He would teach me how to play golf, cricket, had loads of time with me for walks, sport, enjoying culture and I seemed to have a far deeper and better relationship than my siblings had with him?

It's very tricky isn't it.
I really enjoy my job but I do make sure my hours mean I can be at home for them dc when they get in from school whilst they are small.

I've heard the phrase said about spending more time in the office. But I've never heard it referred to the generic concept of work.

I sure as fuck wish I'd applied myself more at school and during my undergrad and postgrad degree. Queen of zero effort, was I at that age. I developed a much better work ethic later in life and now my colleagues tell me I have a shite work/life balance. Might have achieved a better balance if I hadn't fannied about so much in my youth.

I have a fulfilling, intellectually stimulating, rewarding public sector job. I enjoy my work but I still wish I didn’t have to do it 5 days a week. Work will always be there but children grow up and adults grow old and die.

I agree with you OP. And I do not think people mean literally spending time sitting at your desk vs taking children to park. This sentence is always trotted our when a woman on MN is wondering if she should forget about her career and dedicate her life to taking care of her children and husband. And of course, why did she even have children if she wanted to do anything else but spend all her time with them?

In reality of course many people regret that they didn't have interesting careers, or that they were not able to have a better standard of living for their children, often comes with said career.

I think the opposite is true, lots of people regret not trying harder at school/uni, taking the work opportunity, getting further.on, as you spend a long time paying for lost opportunities by the time you are on your death bed actually looking back and regretting whatever it is the you regret.

It is fair to say that you may regret not also looking after the small things, and time not spent with loved ones, things taken for granted, bridges broken or a million other things. So agree with op that the statement is wrong, and the regrets of humans is too vast to try and capture in platitudes and memes.

The point being made is that balance is necessary.

I'm in a job I love, single no children and I'd still on my death bed say that phrase.i wouldn't have wished I spent more time working. I'd have wished I spent more time exploring the world and all its beauty, wished I'd done a million others more than work more.

I've actually seen it more often with regard to men than women; but I think it is a simplistic statement for either gender. It seems to assume a particular type of work situation: one where you allow yourself to get embroiled in a rat race, to get ever-increasing amounts of status. It has become a cliche, really. It doesn't take into account either (a) that many, indeed most, people work because they've bloody got to if they and their family are going to survive, and don't have much choice about it. Someone in an insecure 'precariat' position might indeed wish that they'd had the opportunity to work more instead of their periods of unemployment or underemployment!; (b) for a lucky minority, their career may be highly fulfilling in all sorts of ways, and may benefit others as well as themselves - e.g. artists or medical researchers.

@ddl1

Agree. It's also always striking that someone always trots out the cliché about "spending time with spreadsheets", as if people who work always work with spreadsheets.

I've only seen it associated with retirement. I know a lot of retired people, some who retired very early and not a single one who regrets it or wishes they had worked longer.
I went back to work after both DC albeit part time. I didn't need to financially but felt an obligation because I didn't actually know anyone who gave up work to be a SAHM. This was mid 90s.
Do I regret it? Absolutely yes. If I was doing it again I would want one of us to stay at home at least until DC were school age.

This definitely isn't true for some.

For those who retire on a state pension and struggle it probably isn't true.

For people who reach a certain pin t in their life and realise they have nothing to show for it, it probably isn't true.

I'll bet lots of people regret putting their trust in relationships rather than developing their own career when they divorce for example.

The main reason I hate this phrase is that its always spoken by someone who doesn't actually need to work.

What's the point in telling someone who is the sole breadwinner and provider for their children that they'll regret working so hard when they're on their deathbed. Yeah I'll really regret keeping my family's head above water. Not.

Ive generally heard this said said by men a few years after retirement in a regretful way, perhaps as a warning to younger people who are stressed about work and not enjoying it.

I think you're projecting a bit tbh... I never think of it as a phrase to do with parenting at all.

Re your op though, I am with you. I would go bonkers without my job and my job is no picnic! I would massively regret not working at all. But I don't regret passing up the odd opportunity to work more. That isn't because I'm a martyred mother. It's because my job is hard and can actually be pretty high stress with low pay! I'd rather preserve my sanity by having the odd bit of downtime.

But I'm sure some people do regret working more on their deathbeds. Of course someone must. But no need to be pedantic. It's a turn of phrase, not to be taken literally I think.

@Hizz

I've only seen it associated with retirement. I know a lot of retired people, some who retired very early and not a single one who regrets it or wishes they had worked longer. I went back to work after both DC albeit part time. I didn't need to financially but felt an obligation because I didn't actually know anyone who gave up work to be a SAHM. This was mid 90s. Do I regret it? Absolutely yes. If I was doing it again I would want one of us to stay at home at least until DC were school age.

This. ^ I have never met a single person who retired early-ish (like 50, 52, 55,) who regretted it and said 'oooh I am so bored, I wish I had decided to work my fingers to the bone till I was 70.'

I have also never known a single woman who regretted going from full time work to part time work. No woman I have ever met has said 'oooh, I HATE being with my children more now I only work 24 hours a week, and I hate having more time for my friends and family and hobbies... I will go back to working 50 hours a week I think.'

It's absolute bollux that people will wish they worked more hours when they are on their deathbed. No normal person wishes for that. Least of all people who have children. As I said earlier, anyone who specifically elects to work more hours when they have children, (when they don't need the money,) well, I question why they had children in the first place tbh.

Don't associate this phrase with parenting/mum's at all. It's been around for years and associated to workaholics. Another phrase "your company won't push your wheelchair".
Both indicate keeping balance.
Phrases more aimed at mums - "they're only young once, enjoy every moment" etc and the more judgey "why have kids if you're not going to look after them".

I don't know.
I spent my 20s working, building a career, saving money. I wish I had had more fun.

I tottally ageee op, have said before when im on my deathbed, i hope i will be proud of my career as well as my family.
Also, on here women are often encouraged to give up work and spend their time 'volunteering'. What if you work on a role which is, or should be, doing good?wjy is volunteering more valuable that dedicating extra tome and effort to that?
And if i see the words 'keep your hand in' once more i will scream.

Most people don't have a choice or regret not doing more when they could to fund a better lifestyle.

Imo this statement applies to workaholics not the average Joe/Josephine working 40 hoursa week.

I agree with you. I love my job, and being happy at work makes me a better parent.

I think the whole “no one wishes they’d worked more” is said through such a privileged lens too. Pretty sure my SAHM friend who’s partner fucked off with the office junior, leaving her with no money or rights to the property as they weren’t married, wishes she’d worked more so that she wasn’t in debt and living in a tiny house

It comes from this article:

Google guardian five regrets of the dying.

I think the whole “no one wishes they’d worked more” is said through such a privileged lens too. Pretty sure my SAHM friend who’s partner fucked off with the office junior, leaving her with no money or rights to the property as they weren’t married, wishes she’d worked more so that she wasn’t in debt and living in a tiny house

This.