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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal for your partner to just use your car whenever he feels like it even if he has a car of his own.

243 replies

Nomoreminecraftplease · 12/12/2021 16:05

Just that really. He will use it whenever he feels like it and doesn't feel the need to even tell me he'll just do it and I either notice its not outside our house or I'll see him pull up in it. When I ask why he says you weren't using it or I thought I'd save petrol or I thought it could do with a run out as I'm working from home now. I used to have just one key and no spare. Then he got a spare key cut which I was grateful for at the time however hes recently cut himself a third key which I didn't know about which he's put on his own key ringing with his own car keys. Ive told him that taking my car without even asking or mentioning it is taking without consent. He told me Dont be so ridiculous.
He also took its upon himself to get my car mot ready this weekend. Secretly and again without asking.

OP posts:
Missey85 · 13/12/2021 06:11

Two people and two cars what does it matter which one he takes? I'm guessing he leaves a car for you?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/12/2021 06:13

Can people please RTFT before posting?! OP is disabled and can’t drive his car. Even if she wasn’t disabled, she couldn’t drive his car as she only has an automatic licence and his is manual!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 13/12/2021 06:13

In fact, you don’t even need to RTFT! It’s on page 1.

Holly60 · 13/12/2021 06:17

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't
Is he using your disability sticker? Maybe he wants priority parking sometimes
MyOtherProfile · 13/12/2021 06:30

Is your car greener? I sometimes take DH car for that reason. But we can both drive each others cars. Does this ever mean you are stuck and can't get out because he has gone in your car? If so (and even if not) he needs to ask you first.

DropYourSword · 13/12/2021 06:32

Must be very irritating that he does this and leaves you with no means of transport.

If he insists on continuing to do this he should very quickly change “his” car and replace it with an automatic - that way you are not left without a car at any point.

Seriously though, I’d have thought it would only be basic manners for him not to do this to you. It’s pretty rude. My DH would never take my car without asking!

TheDivineOddity · 13/12/2021 06:40

We share our cars and it's fine and not an issue although I did used to get a bit naffed when DH got into the habit of taking the car with a full tank and leaving me with the empty one - shared finances so not him being tight, just too lazy to stop at a petrol station, I had a word and now it's sorted.

Having read you posts though op I have to say I'd be fuming in your situation as others have rightly pointed out it's not about sharing cars, it's about leaving you stranded and that's not ok. Either he changes his car for an automatic pdq or he bloody well stops his selfish behaviour.

2TurtleDovesInARow · 13/12/2021 06:53

Just take the key back? I can understand why you're annoyed if you can't use his, but why are you annoyed at him getting your car MOT ready? I'm also baffled he just leaves without saying anything. I can't imagine my husband just leaving and not knowing he was gone until I saw a car missing Confused

80Dodgeballs · 13/12/2021 06:56

No, that would really piss me off. From reading your other posts, he's preventing you from being able to go out by taking your car.

I think I'd tell him that if he wants to keep using your car then he needs to exchange his car to one that you can also drive. If not, is there any way that you can have an immobilizer fitted on yours? Or a lock change?

violetbunny · 13/12/2021 06:58

Is he controlling in other ways too?

ghostmouse · 13/12/2021 07:18

Late dh always used to ask if he could borrow my car. I always asked if I could borrow his.

He worked hard to buy his car (before I met him)

I worked hard to buy mine, he helped me to choose and to fund it.

It’s basic respect I think

MrzClaus · 13/12/2021 07:32

Does he use "your" car at times when you might need to use it so you then can't? Have you ever mentioned it to him?

I don't see how him getting it MOT ready is a problem though.

I understand you can't drive his as it is manual, but you called your car the "runaround" car, so surely if that's its purpose, that's what he's using it for? And if the other car is the bigger family car, why take that when you can take the runaround? I thought the point of a "runaround" car was that it gets used more than the nice family car, to save fuel / miles on the nice car / wear and tear on the nice car?

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 13/12/2021 07:44

Wouldn't bother me I use his without asking

MyOtherProfile · 13/12/2021 07:58

@GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough

Wouldn't bother me I use his without asking
You know OP can't use his, right?
Shmithecat2 · 13/12/2021 08:05

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't
I was going with YABU until I read this. DH and I take each others cars, it doesn't matter to us, but we can both drive each others car. Him taking your leaves you stranded, which is unacceptable.
tallduckandhandsome · 13/12/2021 08:12

Really not on to leave OP carless and not even telling her. Selfish dick.

Chely · 13/12/2021 08:22

If you can't use his car then he is out if order not letting you know he intends to use it. I wouldn't expect him to ask for "permission" if I'd put him on the insurance policy.

mrsm43s · 13/12/2021 09:02

[quote Animood]@mrsm43s

You REALLY don't see an issue with someone taking a disabled persons form of transportation (a) without her knowledge and (b) against her explicit consent?

Really?

If you think that's ok then I genuinely don't know what to say. [/quote]
Firstly, I am disabled myself. (Not enough for a BB, and I don't need an automatic, but I wouldn't have the ability to walk to the nearest bus stop/train station or even the local corner shop without assistance).

I don't understand why OP is witholding her consent for her OP to use the more economical car for local journeys when she's not planning on using it anyway.

I don't understand why anyone would feel "stranded" just because they don't have a car sitting outside, when they are not intending on going out anywhere anyway.

I certainly don't understand why anyone would have an issue with their DP getting their car MOT worthy for them.

I think this is a whole lot of drama and being portrayed as something very different to the reality, which is simply OP's DP using the most sensible (economical) car when he believes (rightly, it appears) that OP isn't going to need it. It would be a very different situation if OP had plans, and found that her DP had gone out in her car and had actually left her stranded. But there's no suggestion that he is ever taking the car when she is likely to need it. She only knows he's taken in when she notices its not parked outside, or she sees him drive back in it.

I'm working from home today, and my DH has just gone out in the shared car. Despite not having the ability to go out, I'm not "stranded", I'm just at home! I have no need for the car today, so it doesn't bother me that it's not sitting parked outside.

As I said in a previous post, it would make sense for both cars to be automatic for better flexibility. But if OP has no need for a car at any given time, then I don't see why her DP wouldn't take the most economical car for the job.

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 09:07

@mrsm43s that’s probably because she doesn’t have the opportunity to say whether she is planning to use it or not.

And that it has happened often enough now that she doesn’t trust him to just take the car wo telling her the time when she actually needs it.

Basically, he destroyed the trust she had in him by just using her stuff wo asking if it was an issue first.
Now she doesn’t trust him.

I wouldn’t either tbh.

LostForIdeas · 13/12/2021 09:11

As for ‘the DP rightly believing that the OP won’t need the car’ will you be using that line for other things too?

You bought this cake for yourself but I believe you wouldn’t eat it so I did.
I believe you were happy to be woken up for sex so I did.
I believe you would be up for this party (even though you’ve told me you’re exhausted) so I sad we were both going

Etc etc…

Since when can people be in the head if others and just ‘know’ what they think?
Since when is it ok for people to decide for others?

bozzabollix · 13/12/2021 09:11

I’ve got the far newer better car so would be unreasonable to deny my husband a go! Yeah he uses it but then I can use his when he does. But then we’re married and obviously cohabit so the distinctions aren’t so big as to who has what.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 13/12/2021 09:14

@Missey85

Two people and two cars what does it matter which one he takes? I'm guessing he leaves a car for you?
Jesus wept!

I've only just come to the thread and , being aware that it ha been online for over 24 hours, I used the See All function and know that OP cannot drive the other car. That her OH is effectively leaving her stranded at home whenever he does this.

Why, and this is just one of a number of posts that have missed the point this morning, do some posters feel so bloody righteous... when everyone reading can see how wrong they are Smile

billy1966 · 13/12/2021 09:14

Really rude and controlling OP.

He sounds like a disrespectful arse.

I bet this isn't your only example of him treating you poorly.

Are you happy with him?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 13/12/2021 09:17

Do we really need to do the whole consent, partnership, basic politeness discussion @mrsm43s?

"Hi love, just nipping out, thought I'd give your car a run if that's OK"

Easy and perfectly normal.

Animood · 13/12/2021 11:25

@bozzabollix

I’ve got the far newer better car so would be unreasonable to deny my husband a go! Yeah he uses it but then I can use his when he does. But then we’re married and obviously cohabit so the distinctions aren’t so big as to who has what.
OP is disabled and cannot use the other car. Read the thread.