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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal for your partner to just use your car whenever he feels like it even if he has a car of his own.

243 replies

Nomoreminecraftplease · 12/12/2021 16:05

Just that really. He will use it whenever he feels like it and doesn't feel the need to even tell me he'll just do it and I either notice its not outside our house or I'll see him pull up in it. When I ask why he says you weren't using it or I thought I'd save petrol or I thought it could do with a run out as I'm working from home now. I used to have just one key and no spare. Then he got a spare key cut which I was grateful for at the time however hes recently cut himself a third key which I didn't know about which he's put on his own key ringing with his own car keys. Ive told him that taking my car without even asking or mentioning it is taking without consent. He told me Dont be so ridiculous.
He also took its upon himself to get my car mot ready this weekend. Secretly and again without asking.

OP posts:
andtherewere2 · 12/12/2021 20:37

When you take away a disabled persons car , you take away their mobility

It's like taking away a wheelchair from a disabled person when they can only go outside with that wheelchair

Please remember OP said she can only drive her car as it's automatic as she's disabled and DPs car isn't automatic

I think it's pretty friggin outrageous that he leaves her without a car she can use WITHOUT EVEN ASKING

And that he cut 3rd key for it to take it anytime without her permission

It isn't ok

Abraxan · 12/12/2021 20:37

Wouldn't bother me. Technically ours are both 'our' cars rather than belong to one another. Reality is we do choose our own - Dh has the bigger car and I have the smaller one, through choice. It's all joint money they come from.

We would normally mention to one another if we wanted to use the one we don't normally use, to check there is no reason why the other person needs it that day.

Both of ours are electric - so no petrol costs or petrol usage to consider. Besides, it's all joint money here so again, no cost issues. Just so long as if you run down the battery, make sure you plug it in for the next drive.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 12/12/2021 20:41

No I wouldn’t do this and neither would my DH…. we don’t really drive each other’s cars unless sharing a long journey. In fact, I’ve never driven his current car.

I mean, in an emergency he could take it and of course I’d be fine with that and vice versa but I’d find it odd otherwise.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 12/12/2021 20:42

He is definitely being unreasonable given that you can’t drive his car…. He needs to leave yours available for you.

Animood · 12/12/2021 20:47

@Abraxan

Wouldn't bother me. Technically ours are both 'our' cars rather than belong to one another. Reality is we do choose our own - Dh has the bigger car and I have the smaller one, through choice. It's all joint money they come from.

We would normally mention to one another if we wanted to use the one we don't normally use, to check there is no reason why the other person needs it that day.

Both of ours are electric - so no petrol costs or petrol usage to consider. Besides, it's all joint money here so again, no cost issues. Just so long as if you run down the battery, make sure you plug it in for the next drive.

OP is disabled and cannot drive her partners car.
Blueeilidh · 12/12/2021 20:55

We have 2 cars, one in each of our names but we use them interchangeably, depending on who's doing what.

Animood · 12/12/2021 20:59

@Blueeilidh

We have 2 cars, one in each of our names but we use them interchangeably, depending on who's doing what.
OP is disabled and cannot use his car.
Wildrobin · 12/12/2021 21:02

DH and I have been married a similar length of time and see both cars as ours so in our case wouldn’t bother me at all- your situation is different as you can’t drive both and the fact it bothers you too makes it unreasonable. He should be listening to that.

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 21:14

Have you actually read OPs posts? You don't see an issue with the non-disabled person leaving their disabled partner stranded by taking the only car they can drive?

Yes I have @Lunde. My post was in response to everyone else, not the OP. IMO her husband is a selfish arsehole.

ChiefClerkDrumknott · 12/12/2021 21:23

I bought my car (Wade). I pay for her MOT/tax/insurance/diesel/repairs. I love Wade. DP’s not stupid enough to take her without my permission.

But then, I wouldn’t take his car without checking it was ok either (mine is far nicer so drive anyway to would only drive his in case of emergency 🤣). They aren’t shared cars, Wade is mine and I have her for a specific reason (4x4 for towing and getting down shitty farm lanes).

I’ve just seen that OP is disabled and cannot drive her partner’s car due to this. He is extremely disrespectful towards you in this OP. Is he an arsehole about other things too?

FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 21:32

We just have 2 cars - the Mazda and 'the van'. Neither one belongs to either of us (technically the Mazda has his name on the V5 and mine is kn the other one) but just take whichever car is easiest to get out of the drive!

FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 21:33

Ah sorry just seen that you can't drive his - that's out of order

LegallyBlende · 12/12/2021 21:36

That would bother me as I hate being left car-less and you can't drive his car.

If there was another car I could drive, I wouldn't be bothered (assuming living together/joint finances etc)

Sapphire387 · 12/12/2021 21:37

YANBU. He should get an automatic too, would make things so much simpler.

Icanflyhigh · 12/12/2021 21:48

Wouldn't bother me a bit.
DH regularly takes my car, in which case I take his van, or his little sports car.... I'm insured to drive them as is he, and we both regularly use daughters car too - she's a learner and we're both insured on hers too.

Oh and to get it MOT ready is a lovely gesture.

OnTheBoardwalk · 12/12/2021 21:53

@northernlady2904

I wouldn't care
If it left you stranded with no car? Really?

OP it does feel like a control issue on his part

Clamp his car on random occasions when you are out in your car and hide the key. See how he likes it 😂😂

pumpkinposey · 12/12/2021 21:55

We have a car each. They both come out the joint finances pot so although we refer to them as 'my car and his car' in reality they're family assets. We both just drive whichever one is at the end of the driveway when we need to go out. General rule of thumb is whoever has the kids gets the big car but there's car seats in both.

RiverSkater · 12/12/2021 21:57

Well he will have less miles on the clock and your gets run down quicker.

So tell him to stop.

LynetteScavo · 12/12/2021 22:04

It wouldn't bother me at all. Weirdly at the moment we prefer driving the others car though, so I drive his and he drives mine. DH paid for both cars.

I would be annoyed if I was left with a car I couldn't drive.

mrsm43s · 12/12/2021 22:05

@Animood

To the people here saying "we share cars I don't care", please note OP is disabled and cannot drive his car. So when he takes her car, she has no form of transport. It is not a like for like swap.
Right. But at no point has OP said that she went to use her car and couldn't. He hasn't had taken it when she was planning to go out, and presumably they discuss their plans for the day, so he'd have a good idea if she would be likely to need her car while he was gone. He's obviously not taking it when she's likely to need it. When couples share a car, I'm sure they don't consider themselves "stranded" when the other is using the family car. OPs car is the most economical car to pootle around in. Why would he not take it, unless OK actually has plans to use it? Not having a car available is only a problem if you were actually intending to use a car! It would make sense for both cars to be automatic when they next replace the other car.
Animood · 12/12/2021 22:11

@mrsm43s

You REALLY don't see an issue with someone taking a disabled persons form of transportation (a) without her knowledge and (b) against her explicit consent?

Really?

If you think that's ok then I genuinely don't know what to say.

RandomUsernameHere · 12/12/2021 22:27

Obviously he is BU due to the fact that you can't drive his car.
Ordinarily though I don't think this is a big deal between married couples. We would probably mention to each other if we were going to use the other car, but they're both "ours". Just that one is usually used by me and one by DH.

RemorselessNorsemen · 12/12/2021 22:31

@Samedaysame

My dh takes mine, never bothers me. But I would only use his in an emergency, it is a sports car and I have to roll in and roll out cos of my big tummy Smile
Are you me? Dh has the impractical sports car, me the 4x4. I can drive his and do very occasionally but he knows i prefer my own. On the odd day hes in the office if the weather isnt great he'll take my car but he will always ask me first if i need it that day.

I cant imagjne any scenario where he'd just take it and leavr me stranded. OP you're absolutely not being unreasonable and id be tempted to fit a crook lock and bide the key.

HadEnoughOfBears · 12/12/2021 22:56

@pumpkinposey

We have a car each. They both come out the joint finances pot so although we refer to them as 'my car and his car' in reality they're family assets. We both just drive whichever one is at the end of the driveway when we need to go out. General rule of thumb is whoever has the kids gets the big car but there's car seats in both.
Did you actually read the thread?
Fashio · 13/12/2021 05:48

Lol. No she didn’t.