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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal for your partner to just use your car whenever he feels like it even if he has a car of his own.

243 replies

Nomoreminecraftplease · 12/12/2021 16:05

Just that really. He will use it whenever he feels like it and doesn't feel the need to even tell me he'll just do it and I either notice its not outside our house or I'll see him pull up in it. When I ask why he says you weren't using it or I thought I'd save petrol or I thought it could do with a run out as I'm working from home now. I used to have just one key and no spare. Then he got a spare key cut which I was grateful for at the time however hes recently cut himself a third key which I didn't know about which he's put on his own key ringing with his own car keys. Ive told him that taking my car without even asking or mentioning it is taking without consent. He told me Dont be so ridiculous.
He also took its upon himself to get my car mot ready this weekend. Secretly and again without asking.

OP posts:
Graphista · 12/12/2021 18:22

I'd give him a dose of his own medicine see how he likes them apples!

I'm betting he'd hate it and say so and then you can say "well you expect me to put up with it"

It's rude selfish and as you said illegal

Is he at least replacing the petrol he uses?

My dad used to do this to mum when he still drove but it was part of his overall abusiveness

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability

Wow! That makes him even more of a dick!!

I'd be putting my foot down if I were you, demanding he hand over the keys he has just now and ensuring he can't make more copies

What an arsehole!

Is yours a motability car op? Cos he could also be invalidating your contract there too. Be careful you don't lose your independence due to his selfishness

Mileage can also affect insurance rates so he could be increasing your insurance costs too if it's not a motability car

Iamfour · 12/12/2021 18:29

My DH does this, it doesn't bother me too much, but he's a little on the cheap side and I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to use his own petrol. I usually fill up when I get to 1/2 and he runs on empty.

wendywoopywoo222 · 12/12/2021 18:33

As you can't drive his it's really rude for him to basically leave you carless. 😡

I use my boy freinds more than my own but mines always there if he needs to go out. If he minds he hasn't mentioned it.

tallduckandhandsome · 12/12/2021 18:33

Take back both the spare keys he made.

Nevertime · 12/12/2021 18:36

It depends what you mean by partner.

Casual boyfriend I'd think that was weird, stable living together shared finances partnership, completely normal. DH and I never had his n hers cars. We just had two cars between us.

Christmas1988 · 12/12/2021 18:36

My DH pinches my car all the time, he went to Sainsbury’s in it this morning, I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’d use his if it wasn’t a stupid automatic.

GabriellaMontez · 12/12/2021 18:37

It's normal to ask before taking.

We lend things to each other. But it's polite to ask or check first.

maddening · 12/12/2021 18:37

You could agree that both cars are pooled family cars and you both have a key for each car?

Chloemol · 12/12/2021 18:38

Yes it would bother me, it’s a lifeline and independence

And he should cover petrol as a minimum, after asking you

How would he like it if you just took of with something of his

I would get the keys back

waitingpatientlyforspring · 12/12/2021 18:39

We have dh car in garage and since he started working from home his far is hardly ever used. Mine it parked on the parking space in front of garage so we always use mine unless I'm going to need it at same time.

revea · 12/12/2021 18:39

@maddening op can't drive his car

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 18:41

This thread has been a bit of an eye opener for me. While we do have his car and my car in that one car is registered to DH and insured in his name and one is registered to me and insured in my name, basically they are just family cars for either of us to drive.

We have a joint bank account so it doesn't matter who refuels the car because it comes out of the same pot, as does the insurance.

Whoever is driving just takes whichever car is on the drive.

grafittiartist · 12/12/2021 18:42

Family car.
Couldn't care less

northernlady2904 · 12/12/2021 18:42

I wouldn't care

violetbunny · 12/12/2021 18:45

DP and I own similar models of cars and have keys and are insured to drive each other's. Even then he would also ask. In your position I would be seriously annoyed.

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2021 18:45

Really? Even though op is disabled and cannot use the other car so him taking hers instead of his leaves her unable to go out?

MarchingOnTogether · 12/12/2021 18:47

Yes it is in out house. We have a main car (mine) and a runaround (his)
If the main car is available he would rather use it but if I need it then he uses his.
He always asks if I need it first though

Figgyboa · 12/12/2021 18:47

Well to be fair, that was a drip feed on the fact the OP can't drive his car due to a disability. My response was based on the OP initial AIBU which was her partner using her car, which I stand by. Based on that alone, I don't think it's unreasonable or unusual for partners to use each other's cars. Now the disability does change that but that wasn't the AIBU.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/12/2021 18:47

I would say it depends on your set up. Are you married? Do you have shared finances? If all family finances are pooled and shared equally then I would argue it is a shared car, even if you use it more often. If your finances etc are separate then it’s not really okay.

How would he feel if you did the same with his car?

Iamanicepersonreally · 12/12/2021 18:47

As you're not able to use his, he's being massively unreasonable

MarchingOnTogether · 12/12/2021 18:53

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't use his because its a manual car and I only have an automatic license
This makes it different. My car is auto and my partners is manual. We both prefer the auto as it's a much nicer car to drive.. But we both have manual licences and there's a spare key for both of the fridge so taking one car never leaves the other stranded... I had an ex who used to 'borrow' my car whenevwr he had to work a Saturday. He always took his keys with him effectively leaving me stranded without a car. It was a control/trust thing with him, he didn't want me to be able to go out incase I met a random bloke for sex or something Confused
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 12/12/2021 18:57

@Youaremypenguin

We both use each others car. Does it matter?
Well, yes it does, especially due to her disability she cannot use his! So he's leaving her without transport!
TheCreamCaker · 12/12/2021 18:58

My husband has got his own car (2 seater, sports car) but often uses my scrappy old tip of a car. It doesn't bother me at all. He also gets it ready for the MOT and takes it there. He puts petrol in if he sees it's getting low.

TheCreamCaker · 12/12/2021 18:59

Sorry, just seen that you can't drive his (I can drive my husband's but seldom do). That makes a difference.

SquigglePigs · 12/12/2021 19:01

I opened the thread expecting to say that YABU - a car is a car, what does it matter. My DH and I only have one car now but we used to have two and just used whichever was most suitable or whichever we fancied, it didn't matter whose was whose.

However, you have a disability that means you can't use his car so he's being very unreasonable because he's effectively depriving you of use of a car/stranding you whenever he takes yours. He either needs to get over it and take his so you still have access to a car or he/you as a family need to replace his car with an automatic so you can drive both cars.