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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it normal for your partner to just use your car whenever he feels like it even if he has a car of his own.

243 replies

Nomoreminecraftplease · 12/12/2021 16:05

Just that really. He will use it whenever he feels like it and doesn't feel the need to even tell me he'll just do it and I either notice its not outside our house or I'll see him pull up in it. When I ask why he says you weren't using it or I thought I'd save petrol or I thought it could do with a run out as I'm working from home now. I used to have just one key and no spare. Then he got a spare key cut which I was grateful for at the time however hes recently cut himself a third key which I didn't know about which he's put on his own key ringing with his own car keys. Ive told him that taking my car without even asking or mentioning it is taking without consent. He told me Dont be so ridiculous.
He also took its upon himself to get my car mot ready this weekend. Secretly and again without asking.

OP posts:

littlepeas · 12/12/2021 16:38

I think it’s normal to switch between cars.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 16:39

We have our own cars. If his is in the garage he can use mine. No other time. And I have never used his.

Animood · 12/12/2021 16:39

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't

Right so if he 'randomly' goes out in your car, you're stuck.

Sounds weird and controlling if you ask me. Tell him you don't want him to take your car without permission, because you might need it to go out or an emergency. Take the keys back off him. Doesn't need to be an argument, just be firm, and tell him the score.

AliasGrape · 12/12/2021 16:39

We both use both cars, at the moment we've pretty much swapped so that he routinely uses 'mine' and I use 'his' - just makes sense for various reasons at the moment, mainly to do with fitting DD's pram. If we were going to do anything different we'd discuss it, mainly because we'd need to sort swapping carseats/ prams etc over. But even before DD arrived I think we would always say, check it wouldn't cause any issues for the other person etc.

I think it's normal to use each other's vehicle but not to do so without any discussion and definitely not when, like in your case, it is leaving the other person without another vehicle. If DH needs the bigger car for any reason (usually if he's doing a site visit for work and needs to take a lot of equipment) he will always let me know even though I'm at home most days, and if there was something I wanted to use the car for we will work out a solution together (which may well be I just have to lump it but at least we've agreed that mutually!)

littlepeas · 12/12/2021 16:39

Ah! I didn’t see that you can’t drive his - sorry for not reading properly. In that case, no, not fair - both people have to be able to drive both cars in order for this to work.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/12/2021 16:39

@SSOYS

If you’re married and share finances I can’t see the issue. We have two cars between us and just use whichever one is more suitable for the task or nearer the door.

Same here. We tend to use mine (smaller) for short journeys. Dh tends to use it more than I do (going to the tip etc.) but he always asks whether I’m going to need it.

Looubylou · 12/12/2021 16:41

Oh dear, I take my partner's all the time 🤭I do ask though, and I wouldn't leave him without a car, which is essentially what he is doing. He should at least be asking if you have plans to go out. I take my partners, because mine is full of work stuff, and also to save my petrol. He works at home and I drive a lot in work. I do fill his up though. Cars and fuel come out of joint money.

thegcatsmother · 12/12/2021 16:42

Dh bought himself a 1968 British sports car when he retired. I'm not insured for it, my choice. My car, which I own, is now the 'family' car, and he takes mine when he wants to keep the mileage down on his. It's not the family car, it's my car and it irritates me at times.

RaininSummer · 12/12/2021 16:43

That would annoy me as he has his own car and he is basically leaving you without a car since you cant drive his. Also the bit about saving his own fuel is well cheeky.

Jaxhog · 12/12/2021 16:44

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't

This makes it wholly unreasonable.

My DH and I use each other's cars, but we always ask, and would never leave each other without transport.

andtherewere2 · 12/12/2021 16:45

@LawnFever

It would piss me off on the basis you can’t take his car so he’s leaving you without transport if you need it.

I’d take the spare key off him, he’s leaving you stranded by just taking it without asking, I’d be really annoyed.

This ^^

Remove the spare key he cut from his key ring and hide your other keys

He is leaving you without a car so no I wouldn't be happy about this

andtherewere2 · 12/12/2021 16:45

It would be different if he was asking first but he isn't

VexedofVirginiaWater · 12/12/2021 16:48

It used to annoy me when my ex did this. I technically could drive his car but it was a shit heap - full of rubbish etc - and I hated it. He used to take mine when there was NO reason, just that he fancied it, smoke in it and take the tape/CD I was listening to out and put it in his own car. He did this even when he had the same one already. In the end I had no music in my car to listen to at all and he had loads of CDs - many of them duplicates - all rolling around his car with the rest of the rubbish. Fucking infuriated me.

Faevern · 12/12/2021 16:48

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't

Oh this is not good. He’s leaving you without transport absolute no go, take the keys off him. He can still arrange the MOT if he wants to and it suits you.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 12/12/2021 16:48

I've been in a relationship where the cars and annual mileage were similar and the agreement would be reciprocated but given your update about not being to drive his car I don't think that's on at all. Particularly without asking.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 12/12/2021 16:49

It's worth considering as well op if you want to be with someone that doesn't give a crap if you're able to get out and about in an emergency or not.

Faevern · 12/12/2021 16:53

Whether couples car share or don’t, what matters is that it is agreed between you both and neither is subsidising the other with fuel, wear and tear etc.

Clymene · 12/12/2021 16:53

Well the fact that you can't drive his car changes everything. Get your keys back.

Why it's he doing this all of a sudden?

minionsrule · 12/12/2021 16:53

Depends how long he takes it for to me.
Quick 15 minute trip to the shops, not an issue. Going out for the afternoon/day not only you can't use his car.
I used to jump in dh's car all the time if it was a local trip as he had the smaller car and it was easier, he never drove mine as he didn't like 'big cars. It never bothered him tbh but if I'd known he needed to go out I wouldn't have taken it.
Why are you pissed off that he's getting your car MOT ready? Isn't that a nice thing for him to do?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2021 16:56

My DH takes my car but calling it my car is just semantics really. We share finances so any fuel costs or MOT costs are shared.

We have space for one car on our drive and the other has to go in the shared spaces. Sometimes, those spaces fill up so we end up parking in a different road. Unless there is a specific reason not to, whoever leaves will take the car on the drive to make sure we don’t lose our space. My car is also more comfortable, bigger, has cruise control… so we use it for longer journeys or family outings.

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 16:58

DH and I drive each other's cars all the time. We have one in the garage and one on the drive and we just use whichever is on the drive. We tend to use my car more in winter and for long journeys as it has more room and is a 4WD.

Living on the edge of the Pennines having a 4WD isn't a status symbol, but more of a necessity.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2021 16:59

@Nomoreminecraftplease

I can't take his car as I only have an automatic license due to my disability. Some times he mentions it sometimes he doesn't

This changes it. He’s essentially stranding you without a car. My DH taking my car or me taking his doesn’t strand the other one as we can both drive the other’s car.

YANBU to be annoyed that he takes it without asking. Getting the keys cut wouldn’t annoy me and having the spare on his keys wouldn’t bother me either. Booking it for its MOT sounds like he’s trying to be nice as well.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/12/2021 17:02

Also meant to add that I told DH to take my car to save on fuel costs. He’s meant to be working in the office twice this week and it’s a week until payday for us. We’re both on 1/2-3/4 of a tank left so he could take each car once and we wouldn’t need to fill up until after payday.

neverornow · 12/12/2021 17:03

Yes and it doesn't bother me.

AnotherEmma · 12/12/2021 17:05

He is being extremely unreasonable. Since you have a disability and can't actually drive his car, you are presumably stranded without it.

Does he do other things to inconvenience you or limit your independence?

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