Inviting partner to a 'friends night out'

[Mhc19]

Hello,

Just looking for some insight.

I've moved away and live with my partner. With their job we get every other Christmas time off together.

This year they are off.

We're visiting my family in the days after Christmas and on one of those nights I'm meeting up with my friends. It's friends only, no partners. We don't really do things with partners. AIBU to expect my friends to include my partner in these plans since he's in my home town. If they weren't with my friends, they'd be with my family. They do know people in my home town (people that aren't my friends), but they're not close.

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay. This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance.

I think it's different because groups of men don't usually have deep and meaningful chats. Groups of women friends tend to talk very candidly and seek support from friends. Having a partner present would completely alter the dynamic of that.

What a pile of sexist rubbish!

Jesus.

Don't be those people OP who can't spend a few bloody hours apart fgs!

This is not ok - it totally changes the dynamic for your friends.

If i were your partner and went home with you for a couple of days at xmas, id not be happy being left home with your parents whilst you bugger off out on the town
I'd happily spend the night in with a book or watch something on my iPad if it meant DH could catch up with friends he hasn't seen for a while.

I find it more odd that any adult would struggle to manage a few hours alone on an evening, unless there was a big backstop regarding the in laws.

Big backstory

For pity's sake, sort out your pronouns - decide one way or another, but be consistent! I'm surprised any of us disentangled this.

I would tell you to stsy at home with your partner! Its weird that he cannot make his own plans for a few hours while you see your friends.

@Justsotirednow

Don’t be one of those boring women who can’t be without their man.

Too late.

@KittytheHare

I'd be really cross if my friend's partner showed up on a night out like this. It changes the whole dynamic. Yabu

This I would smile at you and say it’s fine...l.but I would be really annoyed

Don't be that dickhead.

You’re being super rude. I have ladies nights frequently with good friends, we all like each other’s husbands but would all be mega annoyed if one of them joined. Often we need to talk about very personal things or post birth or frankly our husbands!!

I’m not from the UK and I would always leave DH behind a couple times on visits home. He understood it was my only chance to see friends and I didn’t always want him there!!

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay

This really reads like a reverse-I hope it isn’t.

YABVU

My DP moved hours away from his home town and if he wants to go out for a drink with a childhood friend when we visit his family, then I don’t just turn up! I’m happy to spend time with his family for a couple of hours. You sound annoying and entitled @Mhc19

I think if you hadn't done it before without mentioning it, it might be ok this time since you've travelled etc. But since you have made a habit of disregarding their preferences, you should not be at all surprised that they don't want him and are irritated.

Also, just use he or she. “They” doesn’t read well.

Oh god I have a friend like you and I just avoid inviting her to friend events anymore, unless it’s a situation where everyone is actively okay with partners showing up.

Nobody is going to say ‘no’ because you have form and they probably expect you to bring your partner anyway.

It’s not even like they would be sat alone - they would be with your family or potentially with other people they know in your town. So unreasonable.

Definitely a reverse. Which I don't understand because it doesn't matter whose side this scenario comes from it's still not ok. Tell your friend her partner can't come to the friends-only celebration because partners are not invite. He'll survive.

This can't be real...

@Pinkgold1 I thought the same!

Sorry OP I had a friend like this. We would arrange to meet 1 on 1 and then her DH would just appear with her. It was soaked n lying you just don’t talk about the normal things it changes the dynamic. The last time she did it I just chatted and gossiped with her as if he wasn’t there, just couldn’t be bothered, I decided to let the friendship drift after that.

So annoying*

We live 100 miles from my in laws. If we went to stay and my husband went out with his friends it wouldn't bother me. Especially given that he moved away from his family and friends to live with me.
A bit of space won't kill you

You are risking losing your friends doing this. It completely changes they dynamic.

Just did the naughty thing of advanced search. OP is married with an 18ish month old. No 'partner' so defo a reverse.

Sorry OP, if you'd have just posted as the friend you would have got some reasonable responses but everyone knows Mumsnet hates reverses

YABU. It's incredibly irritating. Can't stand it when I make an arrangement with a friend and their partner just randomly turns up. I've had to let a couple of friendships drift because of this. Works Xmas do Friday, colleagues husband appeared. Totally changed the dynamic, was very awkward and he just sat there in silence, only seemed to want to talk to her and was clearly very needy of her time and attention and she seemed to spend a lot of the evening appeasing him. It's a massive no.