Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting partner to a 'friends night out'

192 replies

Mhc19 · 12/12/2021 12:58

Hello,

Just looking for some insight.

I've moved away and live with my partner. With their job we get every other Christmas time off together.

This year they are off.

We're visiting my family in the days after Christmas and on one of those nights I'm meeting up with my friends. It's friends only, no partners. We don't really do things with partners. AIBU to expect my friends to include my partner in these plans since he's in my home town. If they weren't with my friends, they'd be with my family. They do know people in my home town (people that aren't my friends), but they're not close.

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay. This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance.

OP posts:
Meandmini3 · 12/12/2021 13:34

YABU for using ‘they’

IncompleteSenten · 12/12/2021 13:34

No. It's not on.
If you can't spend an evening with your friends then cancel. Don't force your partner on them, ignoring how they feel.

EnrouteNOTonroute · 12/12/2021 13:34

Don’t bring your partner
Not fair on the others

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/12/2021 13:34

Yabu, I’d be pissed off with you.

Crimeismymiddlename · 12/12/2021 13:35

Yabu. It is so rude of you to assume it’s ok for your partner to play tag along to a friend night. It changes the dynamics completely. Frankly after taking him without giving advance warning before I am surprised you are still being invited. I don’t invite friends who have done this as it makes it very clear that not having a few hours away from their partner is much more important than the friendship. Is your partner incapable of entertaining himself for an evening, ask yourself why on earth he would want to go on a night out with your friends.

GotToGoBye · 12/12/2021 13:36

No surely partner can just watch a film or something whilst you are out.

I think bringing them is unreasonable.

ClaudiaJ1 · 12/12/2021 13:37

It is incredibly selfish and thoughtless of you. Having a male there completely changes the dynamic of a girlie get together. It's sad when some women are so obsessively stuck to their partner's side that they thoughtlessly drag them everywhere with them. Clingers who ditch their friend groups are really the pits. You should have had the decency to ask your friends all the other times, too. Sooner, they will stop wanting to meet up with you and you'll wonder why!!! You'll be left with no friends if you stop being so thoughtless and self-absorbed, so give your head a wobble and ditch the stage 5 clinger act.

ClaudiaJ1 · 12/12/2021 13:41

I can't imagine a bloke would want to spend an evening with a bunch of girls anyway. Surely he'd much prefer to be at home with your father or brother playing cards or watching sport on tv. So not only are you rude in not considering your friends, you're not considering his wishes either.

Scandisaurus · 12/12/2021 13:42

I call reverse and the theying is irritating unless your partner actually goes by they.

This. I had to read it three times because of the ’they’.

Scandisaurus · 12/12/2021 13:42

Why would he want to go when he is obviously not welcome?

toastfiend · 12/12/2021 13:43

I had a friend who used to do this. She's grown out of it now, and I love her to bits, but it was extremely irritating at the time and I stopped arranging things with her whilst she was with the partner in question. I liked her partner but their presence totally changed the dynamic of the events that we'd planned to have without partners.

I'll often leave DH with my parents whilst I see friends or stay back at my in laws whilst he catches up with friends he hasn't seen in a while. I like my in laws, he likes my parents and we each have a perfectly nice time with them. If your partner doesn't want to stay in with your family then there's also plenty of other things they can go off and do - cinema, dinner, early night, local gym, meet up with acquaintances from the area etc. It's one evening after all, all grown adults should be able to fend for themselves for one evening.

Don't just tell your friends your partner is coming, though. It's rude and unfair on them, either absent yourself or wait for them to extend the invitation, but don't ruin their evening.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2021 13:44

@Scandisaurus

I call reverse and the theying is irritating unless your partner actually goes by they.

This. I had to read it three times because of the ’they’.

I was wondering how many partners the OP had 😂
CherieBabySpliffUp · 12/12/2021 13:45

Echoing everyone else that it's friends only so partners should not be going.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/12/2021 13:46

I'm surprised they still bother to invite you TBH

ProudThrilledHappy · 12/12/2021 13:46

@ThinWomansBrain

I'm surprised they still bother to invite you TBH
They won’t next time if OP doesn’t listen!
Doomscrolling · 12/12/2021 13:47

Either don't go or checxk with your partner that s/he is happy to stay at your parents' with a book or something. You absolutely cannot take your partner with you.

liveforsummer · 12/12/2021 13:47

@Scandisaurus

I call reverse and the theying is irritating unless your partner actually goes by they.

This. I had to read it three times because of the ’they’.

Same. Took several reads to make sense of
Lou98 · 12/12/2021 13:48

Sorry but if you just "told me" they were coming, I wouldn't be going.

It isn't fair for you to solely decide to change the dynamic without so much as asking.

I do stuff with my friends where partners are invited but when it's just friends, you shouldn't be changing that. Can he not spend an hour or two with your family?

IWasHotInTheNineties · 12/12/2021 13:49

Uggghh I would ask politely to stop someone doing this if they did it and if they continued to do it I would stop asking them out.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 12/12/2021 13:50

Yeah you really shouldn’t do that.

You especially shouldn’t just tell them, without even doing them the courtesy of asking!

NigellaSeed · 12/12/2021 13:52

If I travelled to my partner's home town, I would be fine spending time alone with his parents. I'd also be fine if I didn't fancy going out and he did. But to specifically not be included on a night out, i think I'd feel very unwelcome with his friends.

Cattitudes · 12/12/2021 13:52

Is your partner the same sex/gender as you and your friends? If so I can see why you might think it is OK, but no I wouldn't because it changes the dynamics. Maybe next time suggest a couples night out.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 12/12/2021 13:52

God, no. If it’s no partners it’s no partners. If I’d planned a night out with friends and their partners showed up I’d be annoyed. It’d change the whole dynamic and spoil the fun. For that reason I’d never ever invite DH!

You have two options. Leave DP with your family, or not go out with your friends.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/12/2021 13:52

If I were your friends I’d cancel the night out and rearrange it without you. Your partner is a grown man he should be able to entertain himself for an evening without you.

Theblacksheepandme · 12/12/2021 13:53

I definitely would not be happy. Your partner can surely keep themselves occupied for a few hours that you will be out with your friends.