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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting partner to a 'friends night out'

192 replies

Mhc19 · 12/12/2021 12:58

Hello,

Just looking for some insight.

I've moved away and live with my partner. With their job we get every other Christmas time off together.

This year they are off.

We're visiting my family in the days after Christmas and on one of those nights I'm meeting up with my friends. It's friends only, no partners. We don't really do things with partners. AIBU to expect my friends to include my partner in these plans since he's in my home town. If they weren't with my friends, they'd be with my family. They do know people in my home town (people that aren't my friends), but they're not close.

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay. This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 12/12/2021 14:39

Well it looks like OP isn't coming back so we'll never actually know but to me it reads very much like a reverse.

Can't imagine anyone being so wet that they'd want to tag along on a friends' night out like that; either very wet or very controlling.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2021 14:42

"For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay."
Oh gawd, you're "that" person.

"This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance."
Oh, take the fucking hint love. And leave your boyfriend at your family home, don't impose him on your friends. Frankly I'm surprised they're still your friends, given you've imposed him on them in the past without so much as a by-your-leave. Or stay in with him, if you can't bear the though of him not being by your side, your choice. But DON'T be the shit friend who thinks your friends must put up with this rudeness of yours.

LolaSmiles · 12/12/2021 14:42

This has to be a reverse

People who think them and their partner are a single entity are annoying and entitled.

I bet you (or the person the reverse is about) tell your partner everything your friends say and betray their confidences because DP and I are so in love and I could NEVER keep a secret from him... so naturally I tell him everything about my friends' sex lives through to their abnormal smear results

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2021 14:42

@pigsDOfly

Well it looks like OP isn't coming back so we'll never actually know but to me it reads very much like a reverse.

Can't imagine anyone being so wet that they'd want to tag along on a friends' night out like that; either very wet or very controlling.

Especially when it transpires they have an 18 month old they could be staying in with.
RosiePosieDozy · 12/12/2021 14:43

No way. That's really rude of you. The dynamics would be completely different.

If I was one of your friends, I would be seriously considering going low contact with you/not seeing you again if you keep doing this.

Your partner is an adult and I am sure is capable of entertaining himself for one evening.

Newduvet · 12/12/2021 14:45

Rude and entitled.

Allsorts1 · 12/12/2021 14:51

It’s just weird to have a “friends night out” when you’re home for Xmas with your DP. Any social occasions should be organised to be plus partners during this time. Do none of your friends have partners?

Anonymous48 · 12/12/2021 14:52

@redbigbananafeet

"OP said 'he's' twice so I'm guessing it's a man?"

You're right, I totally missed that.

OP in that case is being totally unreasonable, both for the situation that she described, and for using "they" unnecessarily and confusingly.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/12/2021 14:59

No. I wouldn't be happy.

OhThatChicken · 12/12/2021 15:01

I'm calling reverse...

FatBettyintheCoop · 12/12/2021 15:12

Definitely a reverse because the OP doesn’t mention that she has a young toddler which presumably her DP will be looking after when she has her night out.

I’m guessing it’s actually about one of OP’s friends who annoys her for doing this on more than one occasion. Don’t blame her for being annoyed but she needs to be direct with the friend rather than quietly seething.

ChargingBuck · 12/12/2021 15:13

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay.

What do you mean - "just shown up"?
By your express invitation, or on his own initiative?

It's an important point OP - I don't know why you have described it so opaquely ...

NewbieAlert · 12/12/2021 15:13

It's friends only, no partners
And yet
there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay
Make your mind up.

Oh and no, don’t take your partner. No one else wants them there.

HadEnough798 · 12/12/2021 15:14

Once off, okay as an exception. Regular basis - highly annoying and unnecessary.

rookiemere · 12/12/2021 15:16

As everyone else has said YABU.

You either decline the invite, or say you can only pop in for one drink as your DP is around and you don't want to leave hime with your DPs for too long. At that point people may say bring him along, and you say oh if thats ok with everyone and then at that point you bring him, but what you've done is rude and tacky.

If you must spoil the night out then just go with your DP for a few drinks, rather than the whole evening.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/12/2021 15:16

Urgh so unreasonable. Especially with all the 'they' and 'they're'. You don't need third person plural and it makes reading the info confusing as you are also talking about your group of friends who would be referred to in plural.

FoxInABox · 12/12/2021 15:17

YABU I hate when this happens. We have one friend in our group who will randomly bring her DH along, it completely changes the feel/atmosphere of the meal/drinks etc. Nobody else in the group is happy when this happens either. I can’t imagine my DH ever wanting to tag along with me & my friends, same as I wouldn’t dream of going out with him and his friends.

NigellaSeed · 12/12/2021 15:20

[quote lockdownalli]@NigellaSeed I think it's different because groups of men don't usually have deep and meaningful chats. Groups of women friends tend to talk very candidly and seek support from friends. Having a partner present would completely alter the dynamic of that.

I don't think it's healthy to never see your friends without your partner (not saying that's your situation.)

With my group of close female mates, we do get together with partners (although two of us are perennial singletons) about once or twice a year. That's enough.[/quote]
Okay I think you're right. I can't relate, apologies, retracting my two cents

Anonymous48 · 12/12/2021 15:24

@fruitbrewhaha

Urgh so unreasonable. Especially with all the 'they' and 'they're'. You don't need third person plural and it makes reading the info confusing as you are also talking about your group of friends who would be referred to in plural.
Not to mention her plural family who are also part of it.
1forAll74 · 12/12/2021 15:24

I wouldn't be bothered if another person turned up to a friends meet up, it's another human being, what is the matter with people !

rookiemere · 12/12/2021 15:26

@lockdownalli It's still rubbish when the opposite situation occurs.

DH goes on a walking weekend, first weekend of December. It's in the same cottage in the Lake District and has been for years and the organiser books it as soon as the previous one has finished ( obviously not on last Christmas).

It's not billed as men only, but always has been so. One year one of the blokes brought his new GF and DH said it really changed the atmosphere. They felt they couldn't slob around the place, the couple got the double bedroom, which usually the organiser bags for having arranged it all and there was less all round ribaldry and beer drinking.

I'm not sure what a solo bloke or woman in the reverse scenario gets out of it, surely at least one of the couple realises they're not really meant to be there.

Figgygal · 12/12/2021 15:27

You are so out of order op its not funny
You say yourself he has other options

collybubble · 12/12/2021 15:32

If i were your partner and went home with you for a couple of days at xmas, id not be happy being left home with your parents whilst you bugger off out on the town.

ourSusie · 12/12/2021 15:34

@rookiemere - exactly - why would you want to impose on a boys few days away, thick skinned and hard faced -

ClaudiaJ1 · 12/12/2021 15:38

@1forAll74

I wouldn't be bothered if another person turned up to a friends meet up, it's another human being, what is the matter with people !
It's a girls night out, obviously the other girls don't want a man there, it changes the entire dynamic, @1forAll74 !
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