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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inviting partner to a 'friends night out'

192 replies

Mhc19 · 12/12/2021 12:58

Hello,

Just looking for some insight.

I've moved away and live with my partner. With their job we get every other Christmas time off together.

This year they are off.

We're visiting my family in the days after Christmas and on one of those nights I'm meeting up with my friends. It's friends only, no partners. We don't really do things with partners. AIBU to expect my friends to include my partner in these plans since he's in my home town. If they weren't with my friends, they'd be with my family. They do know people in my home town (people that aren't my friends), but they're not close.

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay. This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance.

OP posts:
codexa · 12/12/2021 14:12

The most puzzling aspect of this is the fact that Partner does not feel like a third wheel, an appendage, butting in. Tone deaf completely.

Most people would be embarrassed to tag along wouldn't they? What's going on? The issue is with partner for agreeing, not with OP for her stance.

I'd hate to have a partner who was not self sufficient. Ugh.

CambsAlways · 12/12/2021 14:12

If it’s friends only then why on earth bring your partner, I’m sure he can survive one night without you surely! At the least it’s embarrassing, for him and you’re friends they certainly wouldn’t be expecting him to be there,

Jumpingintochristmas · 12/12/2021 14:12

@ForbiddentoForbid

Why can't he just stay in and watch a film in bed or something?
Exactly, or hang with your family, go to the cinema etc.
ourSusie · 12/12/2021 14:14

Inappropriate boyfriend attendance : when my father died, my sister’s daughter brought the boyfriend of the moment to a family/friends emotional funeral/wake it was awful, that too caused division, not as though he was permanent. didnt stop eating/complaining, came empty handed, you know the sort, upset Mum and everyone, niece oblivious.

RepentMotherfucker · 12/12/2021 14:14

@5thnonblonde

It depends on how well they know him and what you’ve got planned (I’m making a hetero normative leap I know but the they is too confusing).

If he knows one or two from years ago and you’re out for drinks and dinner and he joined you for a pre drink before taking himself off to the cinema then YANBU. If the friends don’t know him at all beyond his attachment to you and he’ll be there the whole time then YABU. At least have the courtesy to leave early if you insist on this

OP slipped up and used 'he' in the last paragraph so you can relax Grin
WorraLiberty · 12/12/2021 14:14

@Scandisaurus

You have posted that you have an 18 month old child, so would your partner not stay at home with your child if you went out?

Unless this is a reverse.

I agree, if they have a child then not staying in to look after it is even weirder.

Mind you, the OP hasn't bothered coming back anyway so we may never know.

Anonymous48 · 12/12/2021 14:15

If your partner doesn't actually uses the pronoun "they", then this is very poorly worded. I couldn't tell who "they" was most of the time - your partner, your friends or your parents. If your partner does use they as a pronoun then you probably need to be more careful with your writing to clarify exactly who you are talking about when you say they.

I suspect that maybe your partner is a woman and you wanted to catch people out who assumed it was a man. If that's the case, then you are being ridiculous. Just give us the information we need to make an informed decision.

Whether your partner is the same sex as you or not, they still shouldn't tag along when you meet up with friends. Of course you are being unreasonable. I get that it might make the evening uncomfortable for your partner, spending the evening with your parents without you. If that really isn't feasible and there's no real alternative for your partner for the evening, then you'll have to miss the meet up with your friends. Maybe just go for one drink to say hello.

PinkyPromises · 12/12/2021 14:16

Such a reverse

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2021 14:19

@Aprilx

I would not be impressed if I travelled away from home with my husband and then he left me with his relatives or alone in a hotel whilst he went out with his friends.

That is totally different to bringing your partner on an average “friends night out” as per your thread title.

Then he doesn’t go
galacticpixels · 12/12/2021 14:19

So unreasonable... My friends and I have some get togethers where partners are welcome and some where it's just us. The dynamics and conversations at each type of get together are very different, so it's not okay to just bring your partner. But surely you know that already.

Nanny0gg · 12/12/2021 14:21

@Mhc19

Hello,

Just looking for some insight.

I've moved away and live with my partner. With their job we get every other Christmas time off together.

This year they are off.

We're visiting my family in the days after Christmas and on one of those nights I'm meeting up with my friends. It's friends only, no partners. We don't really do things with partners. AIBU to expect my friends to include my partner in these plans since he's in my home town. If they weren't with my friends, they'd be with my family. They do know people in my home town (people that aren't my friends), but they're not close.

For reference, there's been other times my partner has come with us to friend things. They've just shown up, I've not asked my friends if its okay. This time I have told my friends he's coming. No one has said no but I can feel the resistance.

You are both very, very rude.

Hope one of your friends tells you straight

trevthecat · 12/12/2021 14:22

You know yabu. Don't bring him along. It changes the dynamics. I'm sure he will be fine without you for a few hours

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 14:24

I'm also finding the "they" thing irritating, especially as the OP has referred to her partner as "he" a couple of times.

TidyDancer · 12/12/2021 14:25

This has reverse written all over it.

The person wanting to bring their boyfriend to your gathering is unreasonable. You are also unreasonable for doing a reverse.

redbigbananafeet · 12/12/2021 14:25

@Anonymous48

If your partner doesn't actually uses the pronoun "they", then this is very poorly worded. I couldn't tell who "they" was most of the time - your partner, your friends or your parents. If your partner does use they as a pronoun then you probably need to be more careful with your writing to clarify exactly who you are talking about when you say they.

I suspect that maybe your partner is a woman and you wanted to catch people out who assumed it was a man. If that's the case, then you are being ridiculous. Just give us the information we need to make an informed decision.

Whether your partner is the same sex as you or not, they still shouldn't tag along when you meet up with friends. Of course you are being unreasonable. I get that it might make the evening uncomfortable for your partner, spending the evening with your parents without you. If that really isn't feasible and there's no real alternative for your partner for the evening, then you'll have to miss the meet up with your friends. Maybe just go for one drink to say hello.

OP said 'he's' twice so I'm guessing it's a man?
ourSusie · 12/12/2021 14:29

what is a reverse?

NigellaSeed · 12/12/2021 14:30

[quote ClaudiaJ1]@NigellaSeed So you've never had a girls' night out then? You don't go out with your girlfriends for cocktails or wine and have deep and meaningful women's conversations? Men don't belong on girls' nights out, and vice versa.[/quote]
No. I don't have a group of just girl friends though. I have a mix of friends.

Don't get me wrong, I would not want to come to a night out if I wasn't welcome. I'm just saying I'd feel abit shit if my DPs friends thought I'd ruin their night if I came. I'm quite good company. :)

SirensofTitan · 12/12/2021 14:31

This can't be an actual situation, surely no one is so stupid that they need to ask the question

RampantIvy · 12/12/2021 14:33

Don't get me wrong, I would not want to come to a night out if I wasn't welcome. I'm just saying I'd feel abit shit if my DPs friends thought I'd ruin their night if I came. I'm quite good company.

But it does change the dynamics when it is mixed company. DD's friends at home have boyfriends, and she doesn't. They go out as just girls so that they can have deep and meaningful conversations. It just isn't the same when their boyfriends are there.

ODFOgrinch · 12/12/2021 14:35

This one is actually really difficult because you no longer live locally and joining your friends will either mean that your BF tags along, which will change the dynamic overall for everyone, or stays at home with your family which might be strange for him.
If I were one of your friends I would completely understand this and would get why he's coming along but also be disappointed that the night out has changed.
In this situation I'd speak to your partner and family. Suggest they do something as a group and explain why. It isn't about excluding him so much as maintaining an existing dynamic which works well outside the partners/immediate family. His response will tell you lots about his level of empathy overall.

lockdownalli · 12/12/2021 14:35

@NigellaSeed I think it's different because groups of men don't usually have deep and meaningful chats. Groups of women friends tend to talk very candidly and seek support from friends. Having a partner present would completely alter the dynamic of that.

I don't think it's healthy to never see your friends without your partner (not saying that's your situation.)

With my group of close female mates, we do get together with partners (although two of us are perennial singletons) about once or twice a year. That's enough.

brokendark · 12/12/2021 14:35

If you don't want your partner to be alone with your family then its you who has to decline the friend's night out. Rather than bring him to something he isn't really invited to.

irene9 · 12/12/2021 14:38

If it was a girls night out with girlfriends yes I'd be hacked off that a partner was invited. Because you can't really have a good chat with someone's husband sitting there gawking at you.
Can't your partner sit in and watch the telly with your folks? You don't have to mind him like he's a small child.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2021 14:38

@ourSusie

what is a reverse?
It's when you reverse the situation to make out you're the 'other party' in the scenario.

If Mumsnet stuck to their own talk guidelines, they'd ban users for misleading people.

NigellaSeed · 12/12/2021 14:39

Is your DD a teenager though, because I get that.