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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to tell 44 weeks and breech friend she's risking her baby?

738 replies

scottishlass43 · 12/12/2021 11:16

My friend is 44 weeks pregnant with a footling breech. She's determined to have a natural birth at home with another friend of ours who's a midwife. She's been declining all intervention till now and has no cut off point - she wants to let the baby come naturally and doesn't want scans or any monitoring. She refuses to consider a c-section.

She's older (late thirties) and has been waiting for several years for this baby. I have no idea why she'd risk it now.

AIBU wanting to tell her what I think? Am I (and other worried friends) overreacting? Does anyone know of anyone who's done this, and how it went?

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 12/12/2021 11:25

A footling breech at 44 weeks gestation!!
Jesus.
This is a recipe for disaster. I’ll never understand why people place more importance on their planned birth experience that the health and LIFE of their child.

ArachnidArachnid · 12/12/2021 11:26

How does she respond when you talk to her about how worried you are? Who does she most respect views of and I take it they have tried to reason with her,what’s the response?
And what is the actual plan for the birth - midwives normally attend in twos and there would be a hospital identified if things are going wrong. Is your midwife friend actually a registered practicing midwife or is this a duala?
Google free birthing and get up to speed on the possible courses for intervention.
I’d be heading for a referral to Children’s and adults safeguarding - they may not be able to see a way in immediately but definitely put the risks to them

shouldistop · 12/12/2021 11:26

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I didn't think the Hospital let you go that far over your due date. Confused
Well they can't force her to get an induction if she refuses
HeyFloof · 12/12/2021 11:26

Reading that OP made me feel ill. Stupid, selfish and ridiculous. I hope her baby doesn't die.

shouldistop · 12/12/2021 11:27

I can't believe she's not even having any scans or monitoring. Her midwife friend is very irresponsible if she's with her on this.

AliveAndSleeping · 12/12/2021 11:27

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I didn't think the Hospital let you go that far over your due date. Confused
They don't but I'm not sure they can force you if you refuse.

Op this is very worrying. I would tell her though she probably knows the risks already but just in case because this is super risky. Hope she and her baby will be ok. Sad

DropYourSword · 12/12/2021 11:28

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I didn't think the Hospital let you go that far over your due date. Confused
“Let you” - they would absolutely advise not to. They can’t do anything about it if she chooses not to follow their advice. So it’s not a case of the hospital letting her do anything. She’s an adult who is allowed to make her own —bafflingly stupid— decision
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 11:28

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I didn't think the Hospital let you go that far over your due date. Confused
They can’t drag you in and force you to give birth!
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/12/2021 11:29

Oh sorry just read she's refusing any intervention. Its certainly a strange one. You can't even say is she phobic of giving birth (vaginally) if she refuses to consider a C/Section. Could it be that she doesn't want to stop being pregnant.

shouldistop · 12/12/2021 11:29

This is a side effect of the hypno birthing, your body knows what it's doing festish-ism childbirth has become. I remember feeling ashamed that my first needed rotational forceps as he was back to back. I quickly gave myself a shake by the time my second back to back baby was due.

LovelaceBiggWither · 12/12/2021 11:30

Jesus a footling breech at home is scary but add in 44 weeks gestation and the likely condition of the placenta? That's terrifyingly risky, how on earth has she found 1 or 2 midwives willing to assume those risks?

WarblingWith · 12/12/2021 11:30

It's very worrying. The risks are huge!

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 12/12/2021 11:31

OP what do you really think you can say that will make your friend have a lightbulb moment and change her plan? She has had medical advice, she has a midwife (who is actually a friend that cares about her too) believe me, she has been told how risky this is. She knows. There is not anything you can say that has more weight than a midwife or the other medical professionals she has seen.

Star81 · 12/12/2021 11:31

Gosh, what an unusual take on pregnancy. Has she had any scans etc or has she refused all medical intervention from the start ?

How did your midwife friend become involve in all this ? Does she normally work as a private midwife?

IDidntWearASmileToday · 12/12/2021 11:31

Is the midwife friend currently a midwife? I can't believe she would back this Shock

Theworldisquiethere · 12/12/2021 11:32

Has the midwife friend agreed to this I wonder, or has pregnant friend just decided that midwife friend has to help her because she’s a midwife

bonfireheart · 12/12/2021 11:32

Has she had any hospital or GP appointments at all? Does her partner agree?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 12/12/2021 11:32

Is she sure that the baby is still alive if she’s refusing scans etc? I’m not being goady it would be a serious concern!

Sussexmidwife · 12/12/2021 11:32

So many questions
Is the midwife insured to provide care for labour & birth outside the NHS or is that midwife friend also her NHS midwife? There are very few of us who are insured outside the NHS and it is illegal for a midwife to attend a birth uninsured.
I would definitely not attend a breech birth as the only midwife because of the potential for needing another pair of skilled hands. Many breech babies are quite shocked at birth and may need extra support to adjust to having been born.
Is there certainty about the gestational age if the baby? How is it known that it is a footling breech?
Ultimately it is the parent’s decision, but wonder if she is basing her decision on good advice. Unfortunately you can’t do anything unless she wants to discuss it.

LadyMaid · 12/12/2021 11:33

I think the time for a gentle approach passed, several weeks ago.

You need to tell her exactly what she is risking.

Also she will most likely be required to be transported to hospital via an ambulance when things go south, taking the service away from someone else.

I can understand that she wants it to be what is perfect in her mind, however the midwife friend should be talking sense into her.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 12/12/2021 11:33

Presumably she’s having daily monitoring? I am, and I’m 39 weeks today - you can decline induction but you aren’t given any choice about monitoring to check baby is okay, and they’re open about the risks.

The condition of the placenta should be being checked too, although the newer science suggests that it doesn’t deteriorate as fast as once thought, so that’s weekly scans where I am.

littlemissalwaystired · 12/12/2021 11:33

As a midwife this made my blood run cold. I honestly can't see how there will be anything other than a poor outcome.

Unfortunately we can recommend things until we're blue in the face but we can't force anyone into anything against their will! Midwives also can't refuse care. We are legally obliged to attend home births even if they're against medical advice, regardless of how traumatic the situation may end up for us as well.

I just pray that I'm wrong in this situation and she has a birth that goes smoothly, with a baby that's not affected poorly.

RedwineforSantaplease · 12/12/2021 11:33

What does her partner think about it? Is she struggling with her mental health?

If you've tried a gentle approach I'd just be asking her straight out what songs she'd like at her funeral but I do have a tendency to be a bit blunt when faced with idiots.

AnyFucker · 12/12/2021 11:34

I find it hard to believe the “midwife” friend is currently registered and practicing

Honestly, if this is true I would be bawling her out in no uncertain terms about the massive risks she is taking

BelieveInRainbows · 12/12/2021 11:34

Oh goodness, I would definitely say something but not sure your opinion will matter if even health professionals haven't been able to change her mind. Even with regular monitoring (assuming she's even having regular monitoring), baby can go from being fine in that moment to being not fine very soon afterwards and she'd be none the wiser if there's no physical signs. Even then it could be too late. I do hope both she and her baby will be okay Sad