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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Pretenditsaplan · 11/12/2021 07:41

I dont think there's anything wrong with asking. Once and then accepting the answer. Grown men acting like an over tired toddler and sulking because you've said no gives me the ick.

Watchingpeppa12 · 11/12/2021 07:43

I also don’t think he’s wrong for asking, bit childish for sulking but I imagine that’s from your reaction to him asking rather than being told no lol

Ohmych · 11/12/2021 07:44

You're not being unreasonable I wouldn't want to do it like that either. The fact he's pestering you for a BJ when your child is around isn't great.

czycoup · 11/12/2021 07:44

I'm with you OP. I don't think asking for a BJ while not in the moment is very attractive, neither is sulking about it when you say no.

Has he done this before?

OfMinceAndMen · 11/12/2021 07:45

If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then you're totally within your rights to shut him down.
It wouldn't bother me for my DH to ask for one though.

hoxt · 11/12/2021 07:45

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. He was only asking!

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 07:46

Eurgh, “joking but not joking” is so grim. What’s in it for you? I don’t mean BJs specifically – you don’t like them, some people do – it’s more the transactional nature of his request. It’s not “let’s do something together”, or coming on to you by kissing or anything romantic or pleasurable, it’s “get a BJ”. Is he 14 and behind the bike sheds?

smileyotter · 11/12/2021 07:46

There’s nothing wrong with him asking but he shouldn’t be pestering you. I’d also find that really unattractive, especially as he knows you’re not keen. I don’t think anyone should do anything sexual that they don’t want to do… would he even enjoy it knowing you had to be persuaded and didn’t really want to?
Just saying no once should be enough and he needs to get over it instead of sulking.

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 07:48

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request.
So if you don’t want penis-in-vagina sex you have to be conciliatory about other sex acts to compensate for your “no”? Perhaps go back to Consent 101.

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 07:48

Personally I wouldn't like to be asked out of nowhere for a BJ. However I would be happy to do it if we were getting intimate and I was enjoying myself even if it wasn't going to be reciprocated due to my period. Do you have no physical intimacy at all during your period?

greatape · 11/12/2021 07:49

Sulking is very unattractive. I also dont think I'd react super well to being asked 'cold'. Like 'hang on petal just let me finish peeling the spuds'. Then it might feel a bit transactional.

But absolutely no issue in something just for him occasionally. As long as he does the same (mr ape scores highly here).

OnlyTheTitosaurusOfTheIceberg · 11/12/2021 07:50

Missing the point of the thread but…a 10 day period sounds grim and not much fun, and if you’re bleeding that whole time every month there’s a risk you could end up anaemic. I’d consider speaking to your GP (for the sake of your health, not to facilitate more sex - unless you both want it, of course).

R0tational · 11/12/2021 07:51

Yuk. There is a way to express you fancy some intimacy and its not that. Urgh having flashbacks from days woth my ex.

Agree 10 days is a lot though. Difficult youre not into the same type of sex as him.

This sounds like a problem that could get bigger. No pun intended.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:54

@czycoup

I'm with you OP. I don't think asking for a BJ while not in the moment is very attractive, neither is sulking about it when you say no.

Has he done this before?

Yes he has done it before
OP posts:
Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:55

@hoxt

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. He was only asking!
I think both of us. He has never suggested he would want to and I'm sure he would if he did. When I'm on my period I feel really yuk and unsexy and not in the mood at all.
OP posts:
Stephthegreat · 11/12/2021 07:55

I wouldn’t like that either, it’s the way he asked you that would annoy me. Then the sulking, he also knows you so I assume he’s aware that you don’t like oral. For that reason I think he’s pushing you/pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do.

Lasttraintolondon · 11/12/2021 07:55

The sulking isn't OK. You also have an absolute right to say no.

From his perspective though, assuming you're in a monogamous relationship, if this is something he likes - you're his only option and you don't allow him to do this. I say this to help you understand his motivation, not to advocate for a point of view.

As an aside, let's not pretend there's a right way to ask for one, there isn't. It's okay for him to ask and OK for you to say no. You're adults. Being honest though, if he sulks or not, asks nicely or not, I get the feeling it's not happening for him.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:56

@hotmeatymilk

Eurgh, “joking but not joking” is so grim. What’s in it for you? I don’t mean BJs specifically – you don’t like them, some people do – it’s more the transactional nature of his request. It’s not “let’s do something together”, or coming on to you by kissing or anything romantic or pleasurable, it’s “get a BJ”. Is he 14 and behind the bike sheds?
Transactional is spot on! And yes I was thinking it was like something teenagers would say too. Just so unnatural
OP posts:
Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:56

@smileyotter

There’s nothing wrong with him asking but he shouldn’t be pestering you. I’d also find that really unattractive, especially as he knows you’re not keen. I don’t think anyone should do anything sexual that they don’t want to do… would he even enjoy it knowing you had to be persuaded and didn’t really want to? Just saying no once should be enough and he needs to get over it instead of sulking.
Yeah I mean it's pretty clear I don't want to so he would fully know I wasn't enjoying it. It seems that wouldn't bother him
OP posts:
Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 07:56

Ewwww

Stomach churning. You are not alive to 'service' his needs. If my dh had such a thing I would be packing his bag for him. Grim as hell.

You are not a Mcdonalds drive through op

HollowTalk · 11/12/2021 07:56

Why does your period last 10 days? Have you seen a doctor about that?

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:57

@hotmeatymilk

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. So if you don’t want penis-in-vagina sex you have to be conciliatory about other sex acts to compensate for your “no”? Perhaps go back to Consent 101.
🙌🙌
OP posts:
Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 07:57

Zero respect.

gojoroyco · 11/12/2021 07:57

@hoxt

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. He was only asking!
Sounds like he asked more than once and then got shitty. Big difference to 'only asking'.

Op - all the cool wives will be out

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:58

@Stephthegreat

I wouldn’t like that either, it’s the way he asked you that would annoy me. Then the sulking, he also knows you so I assume he’s aware that you don’t like oral. For that reason I think he’s pushing you/pressuring you into doing something you don’t want to do.
Spot on
OP posts: