Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

@hereforthechat

To everyone who seems to feel sorry for my husband that blow jobs are off limits. I think someone called it sad that I wouldn't give him oral? (TBC I do occasionally but it is rare)... where would you draw the line? Is it sad if your husband wants anal and you don't?... bondage?.... rough sex? Why can't my line be at oral? We all have boundaries we stick to surely? It gives me a sore jaw and I don't like it. I'm sure he can live!

I am rather concerned that none of this seems to have been discussed before you got married.

I think you have a communication problem here not a sex problem, OP

Again, I think it's all about the tone, and the nature of your relationship. Sex doesn't always have to the great seduction - sometimes the quick shag/BJ in a stolen moment is the hottest sex of all. But for us that would always start with (for example) one of us giving the other a hug, and that turning into a kiss, and then a hand up the skirt or whatever. That is, there would always be the sense (however quickly established) that we were both turned on. If one of us wasn't in the mood, then the hug would never turn to a kiss, or the hand would be pushed away with a laugh, and the other person would laugh too, and that would be the end of it. Similarly, if we were kissing in a 'turned on' kind of way but couldn't do the deed there and then (because of kids or whatever), then one of us whispering that we were going to do X Y or Z later would be great.

But OP, it doesn't sound like this is what's happening in your relationship at all. It doesn't sound like there's anything playful or erotic about these requests. The idea of him 'establishing' that there's going to be sex later, when there's so no indication that you're in the mood (in fact quite the opposite), sounds worryingly controlling, actually. How is your relationship in other ways?

Do you think women should just be fobbed off by the medical profession and put up with stuff like this?
What a wild leap to make – yes, I hate women and think the medical profession should fob them off. Orrrrrrrr I thought the focus of the thread should be OP’s sexually childish husband instead of a derailment. She’s consulting MN, not the medical profession, and asking about the BJ issue, not her periods – Mumsnet responses focussing on the BJs is about as far from “the medical profession fobbing women off” as her husband is from getting one.

Nothing wrong with him asking but then sulking is not good. I would struggle with that OP especially if you have said NO more than once. My DP is the same but he does give up and then forgets after asking just once.

Unpopular opinion... i do feel a bit sorry for him if you don't like giving him oral sex if he enjoys it, that's tough. Does he give it back to you OP?

Complete digression...

Everyone recommending going to the gp for long periods - have you genuinely received any medical help? As someone with low iron, low ferritin, extreme pain that debilitates for days and bleeding so heavy I have to take spare clothes out with me, I've never managed to raise any interest or sympathy, let alone treatment from a gp.

[quote hygtt]@HoardingSamphireSaurus yes you have misunderstood & where have I said women should do something they don't like? [/quote]
You said he asks because if he didn't he wouldn't get one, because OP doesn't like them.

So if he does ask she might, to please him, because she doesn't like them.

That's my logic...

It isn't ok to ask you. He knows you don't like giving blow jobs and is trying to coerce you by sulking.

If he asked for anal sex, when he knew you didn't enjoy it and always said no, would that be ok?

Ffs, I can't get over pp who feel it's 'ok to ask'. In my house, only my 7 year old asks me for stuff that he already knows I'll say no to. Because he's a young child!

I would bet my mortgage that he is a pushy, bullying arsehole in other ways too.

@hereforthechat

There are also some people suggesting it's unreasonable of me to expect my husband to go ten days without sex because of my long periods. I'm a bit shocked by some of the attitudes. It's not my fault my periods last 10 days and it's not exactly fun for me either. I can't believe how much society is programmed to put male needs as top priority. What started as me venting on a thread has become a really interesting read.

I have already suggested you see your GP re the periods issue - you could have fibroids - you could be anaemic as well.

Please get it checked.

Also everything @stanislavily said above. DP and I will often initiate things early in the day in a “if we’re in the mood later, do you want to…” way – and no one is ever beholden to what’s discussed it later we’re knackered/bedtime has gone horribly/no reason at all. But that’s wildly different from a hectoring “can I get a BJ later” over and over again until the OP agrees and DH is satisfied that, tick, BJ is on the menu.

@HollowTalk

Why does your period last 10 days? Have you seen a doctor about that?

This was my first thought! That’s not “normal” (whatever normal is …) and you really don’t have to suffer like that.

Your beautiful children are here and alive and on the planet thanks to your 'inconvenient' ten day periods...someone should mention that too dh.

@SwumMum

Complete digression...

Everyone recommending going to the gp for long periods - have you genuinely received any medical help? As someone with low iron, low ferritin, extreme pain that debilitates for days and bleeding so heavy I have to take spare clothes out with me, I've never managed to raise any interest or sympathy, let alone treatment from a gp.

Then change your GP.

I had all of the above and was prescribed medication to reduce cramping and iron tablets.

When that didn't help much I was sent for a pelvic scan and fibroids were discovered. After that I had endometrial ablation and the problem was solved.

Thank you to everyone suggesting I may have a medical issue. I will make an appointment with my GP. Thanks for all the comments they have been very helpful

Did he actually say 'Can I get a BJ'? That's awful, cringey language. Does he think you are a waitress in an American restaurant 'Can I get a.....'
LTB

@HoardingSamphireSaurus logically he asks the question because it won't happen otherwise, hence why he asks. That doesn't mean the OP has to say yes though. And Im still not clear whether the OP has made it clear that she doesn't like bjs or being asked about them to her DH. And of course these questions do have to be asked early on in a relationship to establish boundaries & preferences.

Most importantly, you should really check with GP re periods and get some medical advice. Even if you think it is "normal", it is good to get a second opinion, look for some updated advice/perspective.

I'd have stopped the relationship you describe from ever developing, and getting married, etc. It is amazing how many people let these relationships develop with obvious red flags that will lead to trouble later down the line. In this case:

• Sulky/moody behaviour is a BIG no for me
• Someone that does not like oral is a no too, I want/like it
• I'd really struggle to be in a relationship with 10 days no sex, it would not work out

Any of those 3 items would have stopped a relationship developing for me. I've had some bad experiences when younger, and much more aware of what I what/like these days.

Also, with respect to the DH asking, that's almost the only positive I see in the post. I'm not a mind reader, if I'm asked for something then it helps a lot, the answer will be a clear yes or no.

Potential medical issues aside -

YANBU. Your H is being pathetic and selfish. Sounds like a firm and frank conversation would be in order. You aren't a prostitute, sex isn't and shouldn't be transactional, and that nothing is less attractive than someone who sulks and huffs.

I'd have stopped the relationship you describe from ever developing, and getting married, etc. It is amazing how many people let these relationships develop with obvious red flags that will lead to trouble later down the line.*

Yes I'm a bit confused how the relationship led to marriage & dc.

Asking for BJs sounds unattractive and immature. It should happen naturally when you're together not something someone requests in advance.

Intimacy is so important in healthy relationships, does he give you oral sex or do you not enjoy that either?

Some husbands get married for sex and bjs on tap with a bit of housework thrown in thats why. Some of them still believe that is the meaning of marriage, and that is where the entitlement comes from.

Even in 2021. It is seriously depressing.

@hotmeatymilk

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. So if you don’t want penis-in-vagina sex you have to be conciliatory about other sex acts to compensate for your “no”? Perhaps go back to Consent 101.

Right?!

@hereforthechat

There are also some people suggesting it's unreasonable of me to expect my husband to go ten days without sex because of my long periods. I'm a bit shocked by some of the attitudes. It's not my fault my periods last 10 days and it's not exactly fun for me either. I can't believe how much society is programmed to put male needs as top priority. What started as me venting on a thread has become a really interesting read.

Correct on every point. Crazy isn't it. Aww the poor menz not being able to empty their ballsacks without demanding what they expect from women. Eye-opening.

@hotmeatymilk

Do you think women should just be fobbed off by the medical profession and put up with stuff like this? What a wild leap to make – yes, I hate women and think the medical profession should fob them off. Orrrrrrrr I thought the focus of the thread should be OP’s sexually childish husband instead of a derailment. She’s consulting MN, not the medical profession, and asking about the BJ issue, not her periods – Mumsnet responses focussing on the BJs is about as far from “the medical profession fobbing women off” as her husband is from getting one.

No, she didn't ask about her periods, but the fact they last for 10 days is certainly not normal and so women on here are saying so. Is there something wrong with that?

@SwumMum

Complete digression...

Everyone recommending going to the gp for long periods - have you genuinely received any medical help? As someone with low iron, low ferritin, extreme pain that debilitates for days and bleeding so heavy I have to take spare clothes out with me, I've never managed to raise any interest or sympathy, let alone treatment from a gp.

@SwumMum Then you clearly need to see another GP.