Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

Sulking is very unattractive, but a blanket rule of “no sex if any form 10 days out if every 30” does not speak of a very happy sex life either. I’d give my DH a handjob or a BJ if I was on my period or not in the mood and he was really in the mood. (He’d do the same for me if the situation was reversed.)

He sounds sexually coercive.

Like it feels like he is making sure I know that's what's happening. He is like that with sex too. It's clearly on his mind and he needs to establish that sex will be happening

There is clearly more to this than him just asking for a blowjob which I don't think in itself is that bad. But all of this ^^ and never doing anything for you, being entitled with regards to sex, sulking when you say no ect. Is not on and makes it all a far bigger issue.

@LizzieSiddal

Where was your 6 year old when he’s “joking” about BJs?

Away playing with his sister, not in the room

Not nice, OP, you need to stand your ground. My DH asked many years ago but I have never given a BJ and never will (the thought has always given me the ick) so completely understand.

He means later once the kids are in bed. Like it feels like he is making sure I know that's what's happening. He is like that with sex too. It's clearly on his mind and he needs to establish that sex will be happening

I've asked for sex in this manner, I don't personally find it a problem. How often does sex happen from natural instigation in your relationship?

I do think the BJs are not the real issue

Sulking is very unattractive, but a blanket rule of “no sex if any form 10 days out if every 30” does not speak of a very happy sex life either. I’d give my DH a handjob or a BJ if I was on my period or not in the mood and he was really in the mood.

He's got his own hands. He can sort himself out. Nobody should have to have sex they don't want, and it's pretty gross that you're encouraging another woman to do something sexually that she doesn't want to do to keep her man happy. You know what doesn't make for a happy sex life? One partner being coerced into doing things by the other one sulking if he doesn't get his precious blow job.

@NynaeveSedai

Have you always had long periods? Mine got super long and it was solved by having a mirena coil fitted.

This.

10 day periods must be exhausting.

Perhaps you could check it out OP.

@hygtt

Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ.

I don't get this bit as if he didn't ask I presume it wouldn't happen as you don't like them?

Well, yeah! Why should anyone woman do anything she doesn't like?

Or have I misunderstood?

To everyone who seems to feel sorry for my husband that blow jobs are off limits. I think someone called it sad that I wouldn't give him oral? (TBC I do occasionally but it is rare)... where would you draw the line? Is it sad if your husband wants anal and you don't?... bondage?.... rough sex? Why can't my line be at oral? We all have boundaries we stick to surely? It gives me a sore jaw and I don't like it. I'm sure he can live!

@hygtt

He means later once the kids are in bed. Like it feels like he is making sure I know that's what's happening. He is like that with sex too. It's clearly on his mind and he needs to establish that sex will be happening

I've asked for sex in this manner, I don't personally find it a problem. How often does sex happen from natural instigation in your relationship?

So have I, so have previous partners. I couldn't get worked up about it tbh, and I'm far from a 'cool wife' whatever that's supposed to mean.

The sulking definitely isn't great, but from the sounds of it sex is sparse as it is so I think you have bigger problems than him asking for a BJ tbh. Sounds like mismatched sex drives.

Your husband sounds so unsexy, no wonder you're not in the mood!
Demanding selfish lover? I couldn't. Does he even try to get you in the mood? Sounds more like he treats you like a sex vending machine. He needs to change, or he needs to fuck off.

It's clearly on his mind and he needs to establish that sex will be happening

The key word in that post, is WILL

He is establishing he will be having sex that evening, wow, your problems are far deeper than your first op indicates.

You are being abused op. No one has the right to establish during the day that they will be having sex later, no one has the right to decide for you. It is sexually coercive, I agree with pp.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus yes you have misunderstood & where have I said women should do something they don't like?

@hygtt I agree completely.

The way he asks or how often is one things but To me it sounds like sex for you is a chore.

Just out of interest is the dislike of BJs a new thing or have you never liked it. What I mean is is it only post marriage and kids you have said you don’t like them or have you always told him you don’t enjoy them?

Stop trying to solve the OP’s not wildly unusual periods so she can be more available to sexually placate her husband!

That is clearly not why people are trying to help 🙄 Do you think women should just be fobbed off by the medical profession and put up with stuff like this? Bleeding for a third of the time is unusual and would be more so if women’s health concerns were taken seriously. It needs investigation and she needs to be given options other than the pill which did not improve her quality of life. Bleeding for this long, especially if it's heavy, puts women at risk of anaemia and can have quite a detrimental impact on day to day life. I'm sure you think you're taking the feminist stance by (wrongly) accusing others of wanting her to be more sexually available, but all you're actually doing is supporting the system of misogyny in medicine that means women put up with conditions like this that can usually be treated (for their own comfort and health, in case it needs saying again).

@EnidFrighten

Even leaving sex out of it, if you feel gross on your period and your period occurs for one third of each month, that's a problem. I'd be trying for something else to help.

I couldn't cope with feeling that bad for a third of my life (since teens and up to menopause). 10 days is very unusual op and (bj aside) no doubt affecting you and your dp in other ways detrimental to living a normal life, never mind your sex life.

To everyone who seems to feel sorry for my husband that blow jobs are off limits.

I don't think that, I'm just not sure why asking for sex to happen later is so bad. As I said I myself do it.

There is clearly an issue though if asks for sex & you have it despite not wanting it.

Many of us do not like it op, you are perfectly within your rights to never ever give oral sex again. Have you told him you don't like it? You should never have to do something you don't like.
Yes he will most definitely live, and there are other ways to bring pleasure that is mutually enjoyable for both.

Your boundaries are fine. People who are expressing sorrow for your husband in this, or demanding some kind of explanation from you about your sexual boundaries, are very weird. Sometimes I wonder how many posters here are actual MRAs.

Have you told him you don't like bjs or being asked for sex.

OP, what's he like in other respects? Does he do his share of housework? Is he affectionate unrelated to sex? Is he funny? Interesting? Respectful?

There are also some people suggesting it's unreasonable of me to expect my husband to go ten days without sex because of my long periods. I'm a bit shocked by some of the attitudes. It's not my fault my periods last 10 days and it's not exactly fun for me either. I can't believe how much society is programmed to put male needs as top priority. What started as me venting on a thread has become a really interesting read.