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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 11/12/2021 08:21

I think he is being a knob quite frankly! You have said No clearly .He is pestering and being very unattractive with his whining .When you are clear of your period then have lots of sex .10 days does seem a long time for a period though ,maybe check with GP if there is no underlying problems ?

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 08:22

@arethereanyleftatall

Yanbu. I'd hate that too. It's not part of the whole 'enjoying ourselves together' sex. It's transactional. I'd feel really seedy. I can also imagine that in his head he thinks you 'owe him' because you're on your period. I can just see him (I'm afraid) having an affair in future and thinking 'well it's not my fault, we never have sex'. It's fine that he asked once. It would be fine if you responded 'no, that's never happening, too transactional and seedy'. It's not fine for him then to ask again. Yuck.
I hear what you're saying. I could see that happening too as he seems to have quite an entitled attitude towards sex. All sex was only about him for a really long time until a few years ago when I finally stood up and said no this needs to be about me too!
OP posts:
hoxt · 11/12/2021 08:23

@hotmeatymilk

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. So if you don’t want penis-in-vagina sex you have to be conciliatory about other sex acts to compensate for your “no”? Perhaps go back to Consent 101.
Absolutely not. But if the OP refuses to have sex a third of the time you can’t blame her partner for asking. He asked, she said no, the end. No emotional manipulation required.
QuestionableMouse · 11/12/2021 08:24

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I am by no means a “cool wife” but I would prefer my husband ask me so we can be intimate together than for him to sneak off to the bathroom and wank alone. It’s nice to just pleasure each other sometimes. It’s also a bit sad you don’t do BJs! I would be very upset if my husband didn’t want to do oral sex/I had to spend my life without it 😳

The repeated asking and sulking is off putting, yes.

Everyone is different though. I personally hate oral and I'd hate to be pestered about giving it.
stanislavily · 11/12/2021 08:24

I've always found it a bit odd to read on here about people talking to their partners about sex when they're not already 'in the mood'. Maybe I'm weird, but I have never come across this in real life. If DH and I had started kissing/touching and he asked me to go down on him, then no problem, I would find that a turn-on. But to ask for a blow job out of nowhere when we're just sitting watching the TV or whatever, or even for either of us just to say 'do you fancy going to have sex now', would just never happen. I've always felt the same about people in films who undress themselves (separately) in order to get in bed and have sex, rather than undressing each other as part of foreplay. It all seems so clinical.

hoxt · 11/12/2021 08:25

@Grenlei you have expressed what I mean much better than I did!

LizzieSiddal · 11/12/2021 08:28

Where was your 6 year old when he’s “joking” about BJs?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 11/12/2021 08:28

There's nothing more unattractive than a sulker!

Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 08:29

I think he is extremely lucky to have found someone that will put up with this, because I don't know anyone in real life that would put up with being spoken to like that, what is he 14??

If you want to stay in a marriage like that, it is your choice, personally I would feel like a piece of meat and would be out! For sure. You deserve much better op.

EnidFrighten · 11/12/2021 08:30

Even leaving sex out of it, if you feel gross on your period and your period occurs for one third of each month, that's a problem. I'd be trying for something else to help.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 11/12/2021 08:31

I wonder how he'd feel if one day you said 'dh go down on me until I cum' then got up and went downstairs, job done.

PickAChew · 11/12/2021 08:32

@hoxt

Who doesn’t want period sex - you or him? If it’s you I’d be more conciliatory about the request. He was only asking!
Over and over. Once, fair enough. Pestering then sulking is coercive and shows no respect for OP's boundaries.
GloriaBoil · 11/12/2021 08:37

I don't think there is anything wrong with a husband asking for a blowjob. BUT as your husband knows you don't like them he should be respectful of that and he should definitely accept your no with absolutely no sulking afterwards!

Me and DH sometimes talk like this. I appreciate it sounds clinical to some but its a bit of a joke with us as we have kids so it's a stolen moment whilst the kids are in another room or something talking about what we'll do later. I don't think it is always weird, seedy, or clinical. It's just a joke with us, we know it's not very sexy and that's part of the joke BUT that's us and if OP doesn't like that then that's definitely up to her and her husband should respect it.

Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 08:38

I’d be more conciliatory about the request

It is more subtle than that, it is the tone and language. The word 'get' implies a service, a request for a service. Who the hell wants to feel like they need to be servicing their husbands in between getting the cornflakes for the dc and putting the bins out?????

Conciliatory?! Why the hell should she be conciliatory hoxt it is not the 1950s!

JinglingHellsBells · 11/12/2021 08:40

Just to say (again) that bleeding (full on?) for 10 days is not normal. About 7 days is max and the final 2-3 days should be light.

If you mean you have real blood loss for 10 days you should talk to your GP.

Loveinacoldishclimate · 11/12/2021 08:40

I’d find it a massive turn off.

He’s your husband so I’d hope he knows what you enjoy already. Pestering you for something not really on the table and sulking when he doesn’t get it is pretty rotten.

Not particularly being in the mood, but having a nice time with your partner and seeing where the night takes you. That’s a world apart from “Can I have a BJ after you’ve put the kids to bed”

I agree it sounds transactional. You aren’t there to provide a choice of luxury orifice for him to deposit semen. Anyone who has suggested you should be conciliatory if you don’t want full sex 🤮

Terminallysleepdeprived · 11/12/2021 08:40

Firstly you should probably see a gp or specialist if your period lasts 10 days as that really isn't normal. 3-5 days is the normal expectation. I have pcos and can go months without a period and then will have a 7-10 day one but it shouldn't be the case every month.

The asking thing...does he just stand there with no lead up and ask or is he giving you a hug, trying to be intimate and asking? The former big turn off and imo unacceptable. Latter is acceptable. But if the answer is no in either circumstance then that should be the end of it and sulking like a 2 year old makes him a massive twat.

Chunkymonkey13 · 11/12/2021 08:41

On the 10 day period - I use to have a very similar length and very heavy / painful for the first few days. Suspected endometriosis and I was anemic due to them. I went on the pill for years / had kids and it’s sorted it self luckily. Now they are 5 days and I very rarely have to take painkillers. I would definitely go back to the doctors esp if they are heavy

Tabbacus · 11/12/2021 08:42

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with DH asking, if I'm in the mood and fancy a quickie or whatever I'll often ask- but the first no should be accepted. The repeated asking and then sulking is really unappealing.

Oblomov21 · 11/12/2021 08:45

I don't have a problem with Dh asking either. But you do, so that's how you feel.

Anomelettefortheroad · 11/12/2021 08:46

I really don't like giving blow jobs so i don't do it. Last time i checked, dh hasn't keeled over from lack of blow jobs. He is a decent man so he wouldn't be turned on from me doing something he knows i dislike.

The sulking is coercion and it's really not ok. You also don't need to compensate for not wanting sex during your period. You don't exist to service the mighty penis, he can live without it for a few days.

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 08:46

@hotmeatymilk

Stop trying to solve the OP’s not wildly unusual periods so she can be more available to sexually placate her husband!

If my DH asked for BJs in this way and sulked when he didn’t get them, my periods would last 31 days.

Nothing to do with sex. 10 days is unusual and it impacts on quality of life. If it can be improved why shouldn't we let the OP know what worked for us?
Chasingaftermidnight · 11/12/2021 08:47

Asking at an appropriate time and in an appropriate context if your partner would be happy to perform oral sex on you is ok.

Asking if you can ‘get a BJ’ - like it’s 1995 and you’re ordering a coffee in Central Perk -is not.

Asking repeatedly when your partner has already said no is not.

Asking repeatedly for something you know your partner doesn’t enjoy is not.

Sulking when your partner says no is not.

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 08:49

I see he's a crap shag and I wonder whether you use your long periods as a way to get out of the chore than sex with him clearly is?

Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 08:50

@hygtt

When he asks is he expecting you to drop everything right then & there or does he mean later at some point?
He means later once the kids are in bed. Like it feels like he is making sure I know that's what's happening. He is like that with sex too. It's clearly on his mind and he needs to establish that sex will be happening
OP posts: